The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2370 ]
I add new things.	14.7%	[ 1993 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.8%	[ 9169 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13532 ]

[[ iSASHI ]]

Your hero(ine) must be an orphan who never met their parents because they we're the world's saviors until one day some random guy came in and shot them. Then your hero(ine) must live on their own until they meet a gorgeous person of the opposite sex who will teach them their mysterious super-parent inherited powers. After that, they fall in love and have sex. But they don't have kids. The female of the pair has a magical womb that says no to babies. Then after that, your hero(ine) will kill the random guy that shot their parents. But the story still doesn't end! Then your hero(ine) will start a band and then they will be at the top of the charts for 239473243263219 weeks in a row.

Oh yes, and a club! A club must be thrown in there somewhere. And rape, too. Rape is the best part of a story!

((I am done)) domokun

EDIT: oh snap! I forgot one last detail. Your hero(ine) must have a sword that is twice their height and three times their weight, but they are still able to carry it around without difficulty.

((Now I'm officially done))

[Slorfae Lafyre]

The hero's party goes around fighting monsters for no apparent reason at all.

People can carry huge amounts of things without being encumbered by the weight and without the size and shape of some being awkward to carry. And they don't need to drop all their stuff before they start fighting. They just unsheath their sword and start fighting.

Similarly, people can hide anything of any size. No one is going to wonder what that huge bulge in their clothing is as they walks around in public.

Any lock can be picked. Unless it's a plot point.

People don't become orphans by any normal manner. The villain killed their parents, and it was when they were old enough to remember it perfectly, and for some reason the villain didn't kill the kid.

[Oni_Aydun]

In a fantasy setting, the hero's parents are always killed by bandits. Then, the young hero must be rescued by an old swordsmaster, who trains him in 'the way of the blade' or some other cliched term for sword skills.
The hero then has to go kill the bandits, despite the swordsmaster's advice.

Then the hero's child? Either he's killed by the same group of bandits, or the hero himself is killed, and the child goes to the same swordsmaster.

[HultaChura]

if you're writing fantasy your main hero/ine should always have a big, friendly, obidient wolf for a pet. when your hero/ine doesn't want to fight, poof! there's the wolf, ready to fight! if its an albino wolf, even better! no, with sapphire eyes to match your hero/ine's. this wolf will hunt for itself and even its owner. oh and it will meet many other wolves on the road that belong to other hero/ines and they will all meet and form a great big wolf owner's association. oh and if your story is just about wolves make sure that they can all talk but are very violent and break out into enormous fight scenes for no reason with lots of gore and blood and teeth and growling and barking. oh- and always, ALWAYS make sure to put your actions in *'s. otherwise, how would you write a fight scene?

Different "packs" of wolves should be made and roam around looking for other packs to meet with, fight with, play with, then mate with. oh yes, and mating should arouse your readers. wolves having sex should be way hotter than people having sex, so stick a lot of sex and babies and male wolves with too many female wolves he got pregnant. And THEN when the females find out they all have the same male wolve's dna in them, have them all go at each other over this male wolf. everyone will LOVE that.

[Slorfae Lafyre]

HultaChura

if you're writing fantasy your main hero/ine should always have a big, friendly, obidient wolf for a pet. when your hero/ine doesn't want to fight, poof! there's the wolf, ready to fight! if its an albino wolf, even better! no, with sapphire eyes to match your hero/ine's. this wolf will hunt for itself and even its owner. oh and it will meet many other wolves on the road that belong to other hero/ines and they will all meet and form a great big wolf owner's association. oh and if your story is just about wolves make sure that they can all talk but are very violent and break out into enormous fight scenes for no reason with lots of gore and blood and teeth and growling and barking.

Wolves never eat livestock. Especially not your hero/ine's wolf. And in your story wolves don't have bad reputation like they do in real life because they eat small furry critters--they're well-respected and loved and no one is going to try to kill it out of fear. The only way it dies is if it sacrifices itself for the owner as you know it will.

[Budgie_820]

Slorfe

HultaChura

if you're writing fantasy your main hero/ine should always have a big, friendly, obidient wolf for a pet. when your hero/ine doesn't want to fight, poof! there's the wolf, ready to fight! if its an albino wolf, even better! no, with sapphire eyes to match your hero/ine's. this wolf will hunt for itself and even its owner. oh and it will meet many other wolves on the road that belong to other hero/ines and they will all meet and form a great big wolf owner's association. oh and if your story is just about wolves make sure that they can all talk but are very violent and break out into enormous fight scenes for no reason with lots of gore and blood and teeth and growling and barking.

Wolves never eat livestock. Especially not your hero/ine's wolf. And in your story wolves don't have bad reputation like they do in real life because they eat small furry critters--they're well-respected and loved and no one is going to try to kill it out of fear. The only way it dies is if it sacrifices itself for the owner as you know it will.

The wolf is a peaceful vegetarian.
No wait! Even that's too barbaric for your hero/ine's furry companion. They can do photosynthesis to make their own food so nothing will have to die!

[[ iSASHI ]]

HultaChura

if you're writing fantasy your main hero/ine should always have a big, friendly, obidient wolf for a pet. when your hero/ine doesn't want to fight, poof! there's the wolf, ready to fight! if its an albino wolf, even better! no, with sapphire eyes to match your hero/ine's. this wolf will hunt for itself and even its owner. oh and it will meet many other wolves on the road that belong to other hero/ines and they will all meet and form a great big wolf owner's association. oh and if your story is just about wolves make sure that they can all talk but are very violent and break out into enormous fight scenes for no reason with lots of gore and blood and teeth and growling and barking. oh- and always, ALWAYS make sure to put your actions in *'s. otherwise, how would you write a fight scene?

Different "packs" of wolves should be made and roam around looking for other packs to meet with, fight with, play with, then mate with. oh yes, and mating should arouse your readers. wolves having sex should be way hotter than people having sex, so stick a lot of sex and babies and male wolves with too many female wolves he got pregnant. And THEN when the females find out they all have the same male wolve's dna in them, have them all go at each other over this male wolf. everyone will LOVE that.

And, living alongside your hero(ine)'s wolf, will be a furry, talking, woodland mammal with ESP. It will be a gopher or such with razor sharp biting teeth of doom. In fact, the furry woodland creature will be so uber at fighting, it will rival your immortal vegetarian wolf who will continue to refuse to eat the delicious, er, cute woodland creature.

[SkippyCoco]

If your story doesn't take place in a modern-day setting it must either be set in a fantasy world with no culture whatsoever or in feudal japan. You must never have your story set in the 20's, the time of the American Revolution, the "old-west", ancient egypt, the 50's, 60's, or Show Low Arizona. Hardly anyone has ever done that, so that must mean it sucks...big time.

Don't forget; your main characters must be totally and completely unique and stand out in every way possible. They must have either white, silver, blood red, blue-black, etc hair and purple, gold, silver (not grey...silver. they must be SHINY!!!), red, or multi-colored eyes. It helps if they dress in weird clothes and have one eye be one color and another eye be a totally different color. Because that's whats cool.

Either that or your characters must be super goth/emo/punk/etc. Not only that, but they must be the only goth/emo/punk/etc kid in their scool; everyone else must be a prep. And rich. And blonde. And make your super goth/emo/punk/etc character an outcast. Cuz that's exactly how the world works. But your character must NEVER be a nerd, because no one likes to hear stories about nerds. That just doesn't happen.

Also, if someone flames your story, saying things like "it sucks!" & "how could anyone write something so stupid!?" etc. etc., you must believe everything they say. If one person doesn't like your writing, that means no one will. Destroy that 50-chapter novel you've spent the last five years of your life writing; destroy it all! And fall into a deep depression because you're a horrible writer and vow to never write again.

&...ok, i think i'm done blaugh

[The Myuuster]

(I love this place. heart )

The hero/ine must ALWAYS be drop-dead gorgeous! S/he can't be overweight at all, and s/he can never have any scars, moles, or zits. If s/he absolutely must have a birthmark, it has to be covered up by her clothes or otherwise unnoticable. Nobody will want to read about an ugly protagonist!

When writing a fantasy story, your protagonist has to have magical powers. S/he must also know every spell in the book, regardless of past experience. When someone asks you why, say it's his/her instincts.

When people say you have to give your character depth, it means you have to give them an uber-tragic past. When writing your story, make sure that your character angsts over his/her uber-tragic past as much as possible!

The protagonist is always a man or boy. A female only exists as a love interest for the protagonist. But if you really want to write about a woman or girl, she has to be either extremely feminine or a total rebel. Those are the only types of girls around, and there's never any in-betweens, ever.

(Sorry if these have been added already. I only read about 10 pages.)

[SkippyCoco]

(i heart this place, too whee )
it's okay to make your 20-year-old character act like their 13. that's totally cool. Just make sure to have them curse about 56 times in every sentance (ex: instead of saying "Where did she go!?" say "Where the ******** did that little b***h go!?" wink and constantly remind the reader that their 20 years old (ex: The twenty-year-old said, "I'm not a little kid anymore! I'm twenty years old!" wink

[[ iSASHI ]]

Your hero(ine) can never be bisexual, gay, or lesbian! Everyone is only interested in those straight couples. Also, your hero(ine) must know everything in the world, but still fail math class. And, your hero(ine) must be able to sprout random wings on command, because only losers don't sprout wings.

AND you, the author(ess), must always combine languages in one sentance. For example, instead of saying "I'm sorry for eating your squid without your permission, Mr. President!" You have to say, "Gomen-nasai for eating your ika without your permission, President-dono!"
See, just by doing that you can show off your mad-crazy-super-uber-fanatical foreign language skill!

((Ew, I felt dirty writing that example :3))

[Ikaru_Kakou]

ninjashiichan

Your hero(ine) can never be bisexual, gay, or lesbian! Everyone is only interested in those straight couples. Also, your hero(ine) must know everything in the world, but still fail math class. And, your hero(ine) must be able to sprout random wings on command, because only losers don't sprout wings.

AND you, the author(ess), must always combine languages in one sentance. For example, instead of saying "I'm sorry for eating your squid without your permission, Mr. President!" You have to say, "Gomen-nasai for eating your ika without your permission, President-dono!"
See, just by doing that you can show off your mad-crazy-super-uber-fanatical foreign language skill!

((Ew, I felt dirty writing that example :3))

not only that, but ALL your characters should say 99.999999999999999999999% of their sentences in |337

[Mikini-san]

never go on touchy issues like child abuse or half way houses. That doesn't exist if you don't think about it, and ignorance is the way!

[Xiraes]

ninjashiichan

Your hero(ine) can never be bisexual, gay, or lesbian! Everyone is only interested in those straight couples. Also, your hero(ine) must know everything in the world, but still fail math class. And, your hero(ine) must be able to sprout random wings on command, because only losers don't sprout wings.

AND you, the author(ess), must always combine languages in one sentance. For example, instead of saying "I'm sorry for eating your squid without your permission, Mr. President!" You have to say, "Gomen-nasai for eating your ika without your permission, President-dono!"
See, just by doing that you can show off your mad-crazy-super-uber-fanatical foreign language skill!

((Ew, I felt dirty writing that example :3))

Just so everyone knows how much skills you have in the Japanese language...

Although that goes for all foreign languages actually. Oh, and a foregin character will randomly throw in word of their own language into English conversations (to remind readers that they're foreigners).

[the hidden ghost]

SkippyCoco

Also, if someone flames your story, saying things like "it sucks!" & "how could anyone write something so stupid!?" etc. etc., you must believe everything they say. If one person doesn't like your writing, that means no one will. Destroy that 50-chapter novel you've spent the last five years of your life writing; destroy it all! And fall into a deep depression because you're a horrible writer and vow to never write again.

But if more than one person says your story is utter crap, then they know NOTHING, and you shall disregard anything anyone says unless it's "OMG!!1!!! thIS iS brilant!!1!!!one!"