The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2370 ]
I add new things.	14.7%	[ 1993 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.8%	[ 9169 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13532 ]

[Oni_Aydun]

Scinserin

In response to rail guns: Ignore all research I've done studying rail guns. All of it. A rail gun (or a coil gun or even a gauss rifle) is certainly able to function using only batteries or a capacitor and can be carried by the MLI's puny arms without breaking a sweat. Research is for chumps (mumbles- even if the subject is really cool)

After all, just hooking a rail gun up to a car battery can power it; your terrorists don't need the millions of amperes to effectively use one. The traditional laws of electric physics don't apply.

[Xiraes]

Oni_Aydun

Scinserin

In response to rail guns: Ignore all research I've done studying rail guns. All of it. A rail gun (or a coil gun or even a gauss rifle) is certainly able to function using only batteries or a capacitor and can be carried by the MLI's puny arms without breaking a sweat. Research is for chumps (mumbles- even if the subject is really cool)

After all, just hooking a rail gun up to a car battery can power it; your terrorists don't need the millions of amperes to effectively use one. The traditional laws of electric physics don't apply.

Science? Who needs it? In fact, nothing in your story needs to be backed up by any sort of logic. If you say it's so, it's so!

[Rothengray]

I just have to take a shot at this horrible literary "advice" myself:

In the realm of fiction, there is no such color as "red." There is only crimson. Red is but the hallucination of unimaginative people who can't appreciate badly-written angsty poetry.


If a character is genuinely ugly (due to obesity, some horrible disfigurement, being transformed into a beast, etc.), at least one of the following must always be true:
-the character is evil or becomes evil.
-the character is a stupid slob who exists for comic relief or as a random dislikeable target for the good guys to beat up.
-the character becomes beautiful by the end of the story.
-the character can never have a romantic relationship with an attractive person unless they become beautiful by the end of the story.
-the character is a pitiful recluse who doesn't want to be seen by anyone.
-the character uses magic to appear beautiful, always uses this ability for evil, and is always eventually discovered and dealt with in an exceptionally brutal manner.
-If the character does not become beautiful by the end of the story, they die instead. After all, everyone knows people who can't change their ugliness can't possibly live with it as a functioning member of society, right?

Corollary: most of the above "rules" apply to characters with obvious disabilities as well.


The main character doesn't need to have any personality at all as long as the fight scenes he's in are cool enough. *cough*TheMatrix*cough*

No one using a gun ever runs out of ammo, unless a lack of it happens to be convenient for the plot.

If you're halfway through writing a story and are losing interest in a character who's had a major role in the story up to that point, it is perfectly acceptable to just write the rest of the story without ever so much as mentioning that character's existence again. After all, it's not like the character will have fans who will notice. And they certainly won't care about the plot holes the character's abrupt disappearance creates.

The undead are always evil--unless they're glamorous (vampires), sexy (vampires), angsty (vampires), pale-skinned (vampires) and show no visible signs of decay no matter how long ago they died (that's right; vampires).

[the hidden ghost]

Rothengray

If a character is genuinely ugly (due to obesity, some horrible disfigurement, being transformed into a beast, etc.), at least one of the following must always be true:
-the character is evil or becomes evil.
-the character is a stupid slob who exists for comic relief or as a random dislikeable target for the good guys to beat up.
-the character becomes beautiful by the end of the story.
-the character can never have a romantic relationship with an attractive person unless they become beautiful by the end of the story.
-the character is a pitiful recluse who doesn't want to be seen by anyone.
-the character uses magic to appear beautiful, always uses this ability for evil, and is always eventually discovered and dealt with in an exceptionally brutal manner.
-If the character does not become beautiful by the end of the story, they die instead. After all, everyone knows people who can't change their ugliness can't possibly live with it as a functioning member of society, right?

They can also be really GOOD on the inside, but if this applies, they'll never be a major character. And generally, only the main will see the PURE GOODNESS inside of them.

[Rothengray]

the hidden ghost

Rothengray

If a character is genuinely ugly (due to obesity, some horrible disfigurement, being transformed into a beast, etc.), at least one of the following must always be true:
-the character is evil or becomes evil.
-the character is a stupid slob who exists for comic relief or as a random dislikeable target for the good guys to beat up.
-the character becomes beautiful by the end of the story.
-the character can never have a romantic relationship with an attractive person unless they become beautiful by the end of the story.
-the character is a pitiful recluse who doesn't want to be seen by anyone.
-the character uses magic to appear beautiful, always uses this ability for evil, and is always eventually discovered and dealt with in an exceptionally brutal manner.
-If the character does not become beautiful by the end of the story, they die instead. After all, everyone knows people who can't change their ugliness can't possibly live with it as a functioning member of society, right?

They can also be really GOOD on the inside, but if this applies, they'll never be a major character. And generally, only the main will see the PURE GOODNESS inside of them.

Yeah, I was thinking of adding that too. But then I thought of an exception to that cliché--the main character in The Elephant Man was horribly disfigured (hence the title).

[Kibeth--Walker]

I'm going to be posting this post whenever I remember (as often as every couple pages to as rare every dozen pages or so). If I post it right after you post, do not be offended: this post is not meant to target ANYONE. It is merely to prevent the recurrence of several topics. These topics, once arising, have proven difficult to squash. The Anti-Guide has several time nearly drowned in the repitition caused by these topics. The topics, dubbed the Solemn Truths, are so solemnly true that discussing them is practically pointless. So while mentioning them is not forbidden, please also try to bring up some new points, too. Thank you, have a nice day!

Here Be the Solemn Truths, God

-The hero is always perfect/handsome/talented/sexually appealing/a virgin/the savior/a Mary-Sue/etc.

-The heroine is always perfect/handsome/talented/sexually appealing/a virgin/the savior/a Mary-Sue/etc.

-The hero and heroine get it on in the end because of True Love. Usually with lots of steamy and pointless sex. They also probably argued in the beginning, but what the hell. It's True Love.

-The main character shall Angst A Lot, possibly because of a tragic past.

-Destiny, prophecies, and being the Chosen One makes the world go round.

-There is no such thing as too much description for a main character. Use as many verbose phrases as possible, and hopefully manage to break up the description into several paragraphs.

-Using weird spelling, pretty fonts, and stupid grammar skills is an awesome thing to do.

-Odd-colored eyes are awesome and significant.

-Using random references to Japan is the way to go.

-Vilians are always the epitome of evil, or they are completely redeemed, nothing else.

-Plagiarism is to be embraced, not avoided.

-Beta-readers, editors, and all forms critics must always agree with you, otherwise, they are stupid, and their views can be discounted.

-Resurrections must always occur, as frequently as possible.

-The goverment is always evil. At least, it never works in favor of the hero.

-The main character should never appreciate her/his station in life. This goes triple if the main character is a princess.

[Kibeth--Walker]

The meat eated by your heroes as they journey on their amazing quest will be game birds, beef, pork, or rabbit.

The very idea of eating a goat, or maybe a horse, or maybe even a parrot, is just outrageous.

[Kibeth--Walker]

The land your heroes quest in shall be The Idealized Irish/Scottish Landscape.

Regardless of culture, there will be mountains. There will be caves. There will be plains. There will be forests (oh, yes, lots of forests). They MAY be deserts, but that's very unlikely. More likely is a wasteland, in which Teh Evil resides. There will also probably be an ocean in there somewhere, but that's just got getting from one part of the coast to the other.

This sort of climate is just more conducive to fantasy and magic, y'know. A good fantasy story just slips right into this sort of place! Yeppers, it does!

[Kibeth--Walker]

Though there may be an ocean somewhere in your fantasyland, it will not be crossed. The lands across the ocean are a far and distant place, a place of legends. Probably, these lands won't even be detailed upon beyond an arrow pointing in their direction on the map inserted opposite the title page.

Sorcerers have advanced far enough to turn people into stone, to control the weater, and to raise the dead, but they've just never quite gotten good at the concept of making a speedy, sea-worthy boat, or perhaps an airplane of sorts. 3nodding

[kitedragon]

When writing a short story, don't figure out a plot, motive or ending prior to the actual writing. Be like every "skilled" author and write about whatever you pull out of your arse.

Characters have to stay static. Your characters always have to be geniuses that don't get smarter, cause they already are that smart. Your characters don't learn new morale obligations, cause they don't need them anyway. Your characters have to be perfect from start to finish. Who wants to read about that kid who learns math, anyway? rolleyes

[Scinserin]

Unless they go on a "quest of self-discovery," which is code word lingo jargon for quest of sexual self-discovery. Then they gain something by the end of it. But not STDs. They gain the power to understand that banging four chicks at once is better than two. Yep.

[Oni_Aydun]

Kibeth--Walker

Though there may be an ocean somewhere in your fantasyland, it will not be crossed. The lands across the ocean are a far and distant place, a place of legends. Probably, these lands won't even be detailed upon beyond an arrow pointing in their direction on the map inserted opposite the title page.

Sorcerers have advanced far enough to turn people into stone, to control the weater, and to raise the dead, but they've just never quite gotten good at the concept of making a speedy, sea-worthy boat, or perhaps an airplane of sorts. 3nodding

Unless the quest leads them across the ocean, in search of some long lost, ancient culture. Then the hero will have to cross at much peril to him(or her)self, and realize what (s)he actually needed was on the first country, and they never actually needed to cross.

[Rothengray]

Every human in your story must either be Caucasian, or dead before the story is half over. Any non-white characters must be blatant, cardboard stereotypes with thick accents who serve as bad guys or comic relief. The main character must never be a racial minority. After all, who wants to read about Africans or Indians falling in love and saving the world?

When writing fan fiction, feel free to ignore the existence of every canon character who you don't think is "hot." No one will wonder why the handsome main character never hangs out with, talks to, or mentions his canon friends. Besides, who wants to read about all those other characters anyway? Everyone knows the essence of all fanfics is two attractive characters pairing up and having sex! To hell with the canon! Friends and rivals and sidekicks and family (unless they're part of the pairing) would just get in the way.

[IrkenMegara]

Speaking of fan fiction...

Love makes people do crazy things. So of course it's all right for the stoic, antisocial, homicidal hottie to fall head-over-heels in fluffy, cuddly, teary-eyed love with the wispy little beauty who has been antagonizing the hottie since the moment they met.

I don't care how many girls he flirts with or beds over the course of the series! He's suddenly going to only have eyes for that other pretty young male over there and develop a deep and festering dislike for his canonical female love interest. Even if she's a sweet, friendly darling in the series, no one will mind or raise a fuss when you turn her into a wicked, homophobic shrew. She's in the way of the hot boy-on-boy lovin'! It's your right to make her easy to hate!

And, just to remind everyone, mpreg is perfectly reasonable and acceptable. There's no need to explain just how a womb got in there, how an egg got in there, or how the sperm got to that egg. It just happened because you said so! And no doctor will ever question what a guy is doing in the wheelchair on the way to the Maternity Ward. She'll just shrug and perform the C-section like it was any other day. (And don't get me started on breast feeding.)

[Oni_Aydun]

(Still on fanfic)
Whenever you start a story, kill off the characters you don't like! Especially the canonical MLI of the hero!

No one will question the quality of your writing for taking the cheap and dirty way out of these relationships; you're entitled to take the simplest, least stressful way possible. And of course, whoever the hero decides he loves after the death has always loved him, even if they have a canonical (and still living) love interest.
((Guilty))