The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2370 ]
I add new things.	14.7%	[ 1993 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.8%	[ 9169 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13532 ]

[Alea Facta Est]

Axioma

If not Death, then the title MUST have the adjective Cold in it.
Cold Murder. Cold Procedure. Cold Case. Cold Blade. Cold Body. Cold Bodies.

Also, the protagonist is a new york police detective who immediately knows that this case is not like the others, and devotes all his personal life (otherwise dedicated to alcoholism and thinking about his wife who left him) to finding the murderer, getting suspended along the way.

Or, if he's a private investigator, the only reason he's taking the case is because he's starving in his seedy back-alley office with a broken ceiling fan.
You can never go wrong with broken ceiling fans. Or broken anything, for that matter.

[.Lazzara the Androgyne.]

Quark Serpent

Axioma

If not Death, then the title MUST have the adjective Cold in it.
Cold Murder. Cold Procedure. Cold Case. Cold Blade. Cold Body. Cold Bodies.

Also, the protagonist is a new york police detective who immediately knows that this case is not like the others, and devotes all his personal life (otherwise dedicated to alcoholism and thinking about his wife who left him) to finding the murderer, getting suspended along the way.

Or, if he's a private investigator, the only reason he's taking the case is because he's starving in his seedy back-alley office with a broken ceiling fan.
You can never go wrong with broken ceiling fans. Or broken anything, for that matter.

Broken hearts, broken limbs, broken libidos...

Especially broken libidos.
When the hero's male friend doesn't like girls, it's not a sign that he is in love with the hero, it's just because he is that cool. Girls go crazy for his mysterious allure and his dark, shady, noncommital eyes.
They go crazy. Crazy. They throw panties at him.

Maybe not.
But still.

Broken libidos are AWESOME.

[Chibi_Sunflower]

ThoraRosebird

The couple must always be young, preferably the man exactly one year older or so than the girl.

Oh yes, heaven forbid that your couple is older than, say, 25 at the most. Once people are past this age they become old, boring and incapable of anything except being killed off.

Also the woman can NEVER be older than the man....it just doesn't happen that way. Ever. mad

[Axioma]

Chibi_Sunflower

ThoraRosebird

The couple must always be young, preferably the man exactly one year older or so than the girl.

Oh yes, heaven forbid that your couple is older than, say, 25 at the most. Once people are past this age they become old, boring and incapable of anything except being killed off.

Also the woman can NEVER be older than the man....it just doesn't happen that way. Ever. mad

Or taller.

[Budgie_820]

In your sci-fi story, if you have aliens they must want to destroy the Earth. Who cares they are highly advanced and would have evolved past the point of fighting? They want to destroy humans just because. All your aliens must either look like humans, or insects despite the fact that insects on our own planet are incredibly simple. They might have evolved into advance races on other planets!

Also, in the future, Earth must be ruled by an evil dictator and the world must be a dump and only your ragtag group of misfits can defeat them!

Humans can also live on other normally inhospitable planets. So Venus' atmosphere is made from carbon monoxide, it's 900 degrees on the surface and it has acid rain.

Sci-fi doesn't have to be realistic, that's why it's got the fi for fiction in it!

[]Impetigo[]

you must always make the main character smart and virtuous, and the villian must always be firmly evil, with no reason for his evilness. i mean, who really cares. he's evil and he must die. the main character is never wrong about their premonitions, and they're always upbeat in the worst of situations.

your lesser main characters are just there for dialouge, and to take care of the lesser villians. they have no life, no goals, and no love interests...except for hero worship towards the main character. and one of the lesser characters turns out to be on the side of evil. every time. gotta always have a traitor.

your story must be completely serious and direct. no descriptions, and NO HUMOR! this makes readers disgusted.

[Xiraes]

inuzrule

your story must be completely serious and direct. no descriptions, and NO HUMOR! this makes readers disgusted.

Humor is the bane of every writer. And any sort of "deeper meaning" or "philosophy" is stupid and will just make people hate your book. People read to occupy time on a flight or train, everyone hates thought-provoking material!

[Astarael--Banisher]

If you can do something else other than writing, such as write poetry, draw pictures, or transcribe sheet music, then be extra sure to include special parts in your plot that require you to insert random poetry/art/music, just for the sake of showing off. Multi-talented authors are impressive, and who knows, maybe you'll get a call from Hollywood asking you to be their new amazing artist or song-writer or something! Yay!

[Tavreynya]

Xiraes

People read to occupy time on a flight or train, everyone hates thought-provoking material!

Oh, pish. All writing should be thought-provoking. No one likes an accessible read; it must always be Obscure and Literary and Fraught with Meaning. Ideally, there will be seven layers of meaning to every action. The conclusion will be hung up on an esoteric symbol. The characters must each embody three abstract concepts, and one of them must represent the Inherent Evil of Mankind.

[Slorfae Lafyre]

Astarael--Banisher

If you can do something else other than writing, such as write poetry, draw pictures, or transcribe sheet music, then be extra sure to include special parts in your plot that require you to insert random poetry/art/music, just for the sake of showing off. Multi-talented authors are impressive, and who knows, maybe you'll get a call from Hollywood asking you to be their new amazing artist or song-writer or something! Yay!

Indeed, indeed! There's nothing that compliments a good story like meaningful and mysterious poetry! Prophesies should always be in rhyme, even when they're translated from a different language--they still rhyme.
And artwork also makes it so that you don't have to use good imagery, because the reader can just look at the picture and figure it out.

[Tavreynya]

Slorfe

Indeed, indeed! There's nothing that compliments a good story like meaningful and mysterious poetry! Prophesies should always be in rhyme, even when they're translated from a different language--they still rhyme.

Have a conlang? Then your prophecy must rhyme in both languages.
(Much as I love Tolkien, the poem on the One Ring irritated me in that regard...)

[.Lazzara the Androgyne.]

Chicken_Waltz_820

In your sci-fi story, if you have aliens they must want to destroy the Earth. Who cares they are highly advanced and would have evolved past the point of fighting? They want to destroy humans just because. All your aliens must either look like humans, or insects despite the fact that insects on our own planet are incredibly simple. They might have evolved into advance races on other planets!

Also, in the future, Earth must be ruled by an evil dictator and the world must be a dump and only your ragtag group of misfits can defeat them!

Humans can also live on other normally inhospitable planets. So Venus' atmosphere is made from carbon monoxide, it's 900 degrees on the surface and it has acid rain.

Sci-fi doesn't have to be realistic, that's why it's got the fi for fiction in it!

Oh yes. And always have a male alien (because aliens have genders) fall in love with the hero's love interest.

[[Although, insects are not all that simple here on Earth sweatdrop ]]

[Budgie_820]

Lazzara

Chicken_Waltz_820

In your sci-fi story, if you have aliens they must want to destroy the Earth. Who cares they are highly advanced and would have evolved past the point of fighting? They want to destroy humans just because. All your aliens must either look like humans, or insects despite the fact that insects on our own planet are incredibly simple. They might have evolved into advance races on other planets!

Also, in the future, Earth must be ruled by an evil dictator and the world must be a dump and only your ragtag group of misfits can defeat them!

Humans can also live on other normally inhospitable planets. So Venus' atmosphere is made from carbon monoxide, it's 900 degrees on the surface and it has acid rain.

Sci-fi doesn't have to be realistic, that's why it's got the fi for fiction in it!

Oh yes. And always have a male alien (because aliens have genders) fall in love with the hero's love interest.

[[Although, insects are not all that simple here on Earth sweatdrop ]]

Mentally simple I suppose would have been a better word. Or the alien could be a female and have hot sex with the hero.

[.Lazzara the Androgyne.]

Chicken_Waltz_820

Lazzara

Chicken_Waltz_820

In your sci-fi story, if you have aliens they must want to destroy the Earth. Who cares they are highly advanced and would have evolved past the point of fighting? They want to destroy humans just because. All your aliens must either look like humans, or insects despite the fact that insects on our own planet are incredibly simple. They might have evolved into advance races on other planets!

Also, in the future, Earth must be ruled by an evil dictator and the world must be a dump and only your ragtag group of misfits can defeat them!

Humans can also live on other normally inhospitable planets. So Venus' atmosphere is made from carbon monoxide, it's 900 degrees on the surface and it has acid rain.

Sci-fi doesn't have to be realistic, that's why it's got the fi for fiction in it!

Oh yes. And always have a male alien (because aliens have genders) fall in love with the hero's love interest.

[[Although, insects are not all that simple here on Earth sweatdrop ]]

Mentally simple I suppose would have been a better word. Or the alien could be a female and have hot sex with the hero.

Oh very very true. Hot German sex, if the hero happens to be named Rolf and is from Berlin.

[Budgie_820]

Lazzara

Chicken_Waltz_820

Lazzara

Chicken_Waltz_820

In your sci-fi story, if you have aliens they must want to destroy the Earth. Who cares they are highly advanced and would have evolved past the point of fighting? They want to destroy humans just because. All your aliens must either look like humans, or insects despite the fact that insects on our own planet are incredibly simple. They might have evolved into advance races on other planets!

Also, in the future, Earth must be ruled by an evil dictator and the world must be a dump and only your ragtag group of misfits can defeat them!

Humans can also live on other normally inhospitable planets. So Venus' atmosphere is made from carbon monoxide, it's 900 degrees on the surface and it has acid rain.

Sci-fi doesn't have to be realistic, that's why it's got the fi for fiction in it!

Oh yes. And always have a male alien (because aliens have genders) fall in love with the hero's love interest.

[[Although, insects are not all that simple here on Earth sweatdrop ]]

Mentally simple I suppose would have been a better word. Or the alien could be a female and have hot sex with the hero.

Oh very very true. Hot German sex, if the hero happens to be named Rolf and is from Berlin.

Or if he's Yoshi and Japanese, because everyone knows random japanese characters are great! In fact, just throw your favorite anime characters in the story and make references to that.