The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2370 ]
I add new things.	14.7%	[ 1993 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.8%	[ 9169 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13532 ]

[Budgie_820]

Rid V

[Phoenix.Flame]

(Wow, I applaud those two who read this whole thing. I mean really, it seems like a hard feat; I know, I've tried. Many times. I'll stop after reading a few pages, become tired of the bitching that goes on in here. Maybe people don't want to write about fat people, or disabled people because it doesn't fit in the story and throws everything off balance. People should be allowed to write how they want. That's my little bitching for this. So continue your bitching.

And yes, I read the first post so I know that this thread is sarcastic, thanks).

((Well first, if you dislike the thread so much (and I think you do) why do you keep reading it? And I also got tired once in a while, once things got repetative. We now have the Solemn Truthes to cut down on repetativeness. And I will admit that although we mostly try to merely point out some tired cliches or just literary mistakes, we do tend to rant ... quite a bit. Still, ranting can help you work off some steam, and it isn't like there aren't people out there who agree. I know I'm not the only one who's realized they've made some of these mistakes only when reading this thread, and I'm sure I'm not the only one working to correct them. Okay, that was my rant for this. So continue your ranting.))

Couldn't agree more with that. I've probably repeated topics on this thing several times, but who cares, seriously?

[Axioma]

Mayhaps a new genre is in order?

[Budgie_820]

Axioma

Mayhaps a new genre is in order?

Oh I know this is off subject, but I saw a response you had on cursing in stories in a forum. I thought it was brilliant.

[Axioma]

Chicken_Waltz_820

Axioma

Mayhaps a new genre is in order?

Oh I know this is off subject, but I saw a response you had on cursing in stories in a forum. I thought it was brilliant.

Thankee-sai.

Genre, genre genre genre...have we done crime novels yet? Do we even read those?

[Budgie_820]

Axioma

Chicken_Waltz_820

Axioma

Mayhaps a new genre is in order?

Oh I know this is off subject, but I saw a response you had on cursing in stories in a forum. I thought it was brilliant.

Thankee-sai.

Genre, genre genre genre...have we done crime novels yet? Do we even read those?

Oh crime I got one!
The killer must always be schizophrenic(I think I spelled that right).
The readers will be so shocked when they find it out. It's never been used before!

[Xiraes]

Chicken_Waltz_820

Axioma

Chicken_Waltz_820

Axioma

Mayhaps a new genre is in order?

Oh I know this is off subject, but I saw a response you had on cursing in stories in a forum. I thought it was brilliant.

Thankee-sai.

Genre, genre genre genre...have we done crime novels yet? Do we even read those?

Oh crime I got one!
The killer must always be schizophrenic(I think I spelled that right).
The readers will be so shocked when they find it out. It's never been used before!

And the title must have kill, dead, death, murder etc. in it, and relate cleverly to the subject matter like, "Dating is Murder"*, "Party to Die For" or "Killer in [Something that starts with a K, everyone loves alliteration!]" No one will think "campy mystery novel"

*An actual book title.

[Budgie_820]

Now it's time to bash romance novels. Gah, they make me mad(turns into hulk and smashs things)

-Make sure you edit it yourself. So what if you have typos? The reader will love your story so much they won't care.

-The women must be married and cheat on their awful husband with the dashing man.

-The setting for a romance story must be in the Civil War or in a small port town.

[Axioma]

If not Death, then the title MUST have the adjective Cold in it.
Cold Murder. Cold Procedure. Cold Case. Cold Blade. Cold Body. Cold Bodies.

Also, the protagonist is a new york police detective who immediately knows that this case is not like the others, and devotes all his personal life (otherwise dedicated to alcoholism and thinking about his wife who left him) to finding the murderer, getting suspended along the way.

[Pause Scan]

Whenever a character of your hero(ine)'s preferred gender enters the scene, they must fall in love. They may squabble at first or even outright hate each other, but must eventually get together as a couple. Preferably with an emotional confession and then lots of sex.

If two people are stranded or held captive together, they must fall in love.

No one should ever have any inhibitions about sex. Nobody should be too embarrassed, too shy, too scared, or have other moral qualms about it, and if they do, then their partner can fix that with - you guessed it - sex.

The only 'abnormalities' a character can have are ones that make him/her more unique and attractive. Purple eyes and large lips are okay - hooked noses, big feet, and crooked teeth are not, except perhaps for a villain. Scars must always have an interesting story behind them, preferably one in which the character risked his life. Birthmarks that are shaped like significant things and hold the key to the character's destiny are great also!

If you're ever tempted to make your character's eyes a "normal" color, proceed with caution. Make sure you tell the reader that the eyes are especially "striking," "brilliant," "glimmering," or "flashing mischievously," otherwise they may get bored and put the book down. Even if the eyes are blue, you must refer to them as sapphire, ocean-blue, sky-blue, or blue flecked with gold and green. The more colors in one eye, the better. Bonus points if the eyes are two different colors! Extra bonus points if there's a story behind the colors! (For instance, the blue eye represents her angel side and the red eye represents her demon side..)

It's totally cool to name a character for their traits, and then give them corresponding physical features to seal the deal. For instance, if you have a character who is envious, give her green eyes, the color of envy, and name her Emerald.

Also, everybody has a neat story behind their name. Nobody's parents simply thought, "Anne sounds nice. Let's call her Anne." No, it must be, "We were walking alongside a beautiful river the same color as the newborn's eyes, and therefore decided to name her River..." Better yet, make the parents have a vision telling them what to name their child!

Repeating names gets boring fast, so make sure you refer to your characters by their features. "The blue-eyed man," "the long-haired girl," "the raven-haired lavender-eyed woman," etc. will liven your story up. On a similar note, never use the word "said" more than twice per chapter if you can avoid it. Always have your characters scream, snarl, quip, retort, inquire, and inform someone else. Do not leave any dialogue without a tag, because if you do, the reader may not know who's speaking. This is what to do:

"Amanda!" Jeremy snarled loudly.
"What?" she retorted.
"Just what do you think you're doing?" he demanded harshly.
"Just what you told me to," she snapped wittily.

Misc.
"You don't have to be brave..."/"You don't have to pretend you're okay..."
"Did you honestly think your little band of misfits could defeat the greatest ruler/sorcerer/villain of all time?!!?!"
One item that can either save or destroy the world.
Quests for the above mentioned item.

[Astarael--Banisher]

Chicken_Waltz_820

Now it's time to bash romance novels. Gah, they make me mad(turns into hulk and smashs things)

-Make sure you edit it yourself. So what if you have typos? The reader will love your story so much they won't care.

-The women must be married and cheat on their awful husband with the dashing man.

-The setting for a romance story must be in the Civil War or in a small port town.

The fiery, pert young woman, who, despite her fiery, feminist nature, does not run away from the horrible situation she is in (her dad is marrying her off to some slob, most likely), instantly turns into a wimpy sex-kitten the moment the barbarious rogue with long shaggy hair steps in, despite the fact that he represents everything the fiery young woman was rebelling against.

The wild young rogue runs with the wolves, shocks society by peeing in the reservoir, has practically no manners, and is also probably a count of some sort. The Rabid Viscount, there's a thought!

He will wonder about whether this girl is the one to tame his wild nature. She will wonder if he really likes her (his cold countenance or unfeeling nature will make it hard to tell, of course). In the end, they get it on with lots of hot sex.

((My sister has a lot of romance novels. I get this just from reading the backs of the novels. confused ))

[Astarael--Banisher]

Axioma

If not Death, then the title MUST have the adjective Cold in it.
Cold Murder. Cold Procedure. Cold Case. Cold Blade. Cold Body. Cold Bodies.

Also, the protagonist is a new york police detective who immediately knows that this case is not like the others, and devotes all his personal life (otherwise dedicated to alcoholism and thinking about his wife who left him) to finding the murderer, getting suspended along the way.

The amatuer detective rules supreme to the stuffy, pompous police force. Ha ha, take that, Scotland Yard!

((*glances at Agatha Christie shelf* Murder in the Mews, A Murder Is Announced, Sleeping Murder, Murder in the Vicarage... Huh. It just goes on and on!))

[Rid V]

When your characters are in a new, outdoor-type environment, and they run into local inhabitants, they must be either a): stupid/nonsentient malicious monsters who try to kill/eat/sacrifice you characters, or b): kind, benevolent, and helpful (but maybe rather rough) creatures, who like as not still try to kill/eat/sacrifice your characters to begin with, but soon learn their error, and join forces with the main characters against their enemies.

[PinkevilBob]

The point of all romance novels is to not make sense. If it sounds logical delete it. The more pot inspired it sounds the better. (That's how they sound to me at least.)

[Xiraes]

Situation:

Man pratcially enslaves, abuses physically, sexually and verbally, rapes/tortures, removes all dignity, self-worth, hope and happiness from woman.

Woman falls madly in love with him!

It makes perfect sense.

[ThoraRosebird]

The couple must always be young, preferably the man exactly one year older or so than the girl.

Also, they must go gooey-eyed at the sight of each other, from the first meeting onwards. They will both lose their inhibitions when around one another, and any arguments will be resolvd by the female going to the man's bedroom. Extra points if it's graphic.