The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2370 ]
I add new things.	14.7%	[ 1993 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.8%	[ 9169 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13532 ]

[TheMessioma]

Sesshoru

Your character must never be over the age of 17! In fact, make them as young as possible, thereby magnifying their awesome abilities!

Well granted, there CAN be characters up to...say, 24!

But they have to admit they're getting old and step aside, thus letting the younger and more capable to take over. 3nodding

[Rid V]

If a character mentions something important, especially if the something important is people (e.g. people who know some terrible secret, people who have some rare power, people who the character trusts absolutely, etc), keep in mind that the number is important. If the number you choose is relatively large, then you are safe to do whatever you like. However, the only good reason for making the number small, is to have each and everyone of the characters or events be significant in the story later on. So, if Character A asks Character B "you ever done this before" just when they're about to jump down a hundred-foot waterfall or the like, and Character B replies "only once/twice/thrice", the one/two/three other time/s must turn out to be an important part of the story later on. If, on the other hand, Character B is a compulsive waterfall diver, and therefore says something along the lines of "all the time", that aspect of the character's background need not intrude into the story again. If you don't think the number should be large, but you don't intend to bring the plot element back again, then why mention the number at all? Realism? Get--uh ... get a life.

Your main female protagonist, no matter how much of a capable, independant character she is, must play the part of a damsel in distress more than once in your story. Even if your main character (male, duh) occasionally has to be rescued from trouble (right, like that'll ever happen), your main female must get herself into situations where she needs to be rescued even more often.

And a mainly sci-fi point:
More than fifty percent of alien races go into some sort of trance when they are injured, almost a coma. It will be called a healing trance because they remain in it until fully healed, and the trance may even be necessary or very helpful in healing the alien in question.

[Half Baked SF]

Never EVER use a thesaurus. They KILL your story with those confusing-as-hell synonyms.

[TheMessioma]

Beverly Kills

Never EVER use a thesaurus. They KILL your story with those confusing-as-hell synonyms.

Au contraire. Use a thesaurus ALL THE TIME.

Never use a simple, well-known word when an obscure, ancient and twice longer version exists.

[TheMessioma]

If you don't use a thesaurus, you'll never come up with such gems as

Quote:

(You see *******.)
> Pale bisque tinted oculars layed parallel upon her crown, tangerine coloured coiffure cascaded, rather long, to her shoulder blades. A tenuous upper-frame lay wrapped by a rather lacy, charcoal bustier. As well for her lower frame, it was suspended by dusky, loose trousers. (Taken)

Quote:

(You see Markosius Nyxth.)
> Atramentous countenance accosts your gaze.Unfastidious coiffure upon cranium. Ebony shoulderguards made of fine steel. Robes of scarlet drag at heels, open at the chest revealing burned pentagram 'pon flesh. Confined within metacarpus lies obsidian staff, inscribed with crimson runes running it's length. Head composed of horned devil's head. Visage contorted into sickening enjoyment at the sheer chaos his coming brings. Lips grinning maliciously.

Quote:

(You see Infarious.)
> Beguiling demeanor; Corporeal manifestation; Vignette of conviviality. Lax chemise adhere torso, veiling brawny chest. Simplistic trousers lynched nether, enveloping lower extremities; myriad of pockets appended. Ardent manifold of colours accentuated brilliantly. Clad in apt garmenture. Tousled unkempt locks partially adumbrate hazel oculars placed faultlessly 'pon Pulchritudinous visage.

[Xiraes]

TheMessioma

Damn straight.

In fact, just think how utterly ORIGINAL you'll be if your characters exhibit typical overblown anime expressions via emoticons ^_^!!!

"Sweat-dropped" is a verb. Webster's will be adding it any day now.

[Witch of Rokkenjima]

Whenever a good guy builds a machine that will be crucial to the plot, it will either work flawlessly on the first try or appear to be nonfunctional, then work flawlessly the instant your hero/ine's back is turned.

If a villain builds a machine that is crucial to the plot, it will either fail to work altogether or be functional, but make horrible grinding noises and fall apart when the villain most needs it. Bonus points if a gear or other part goes flying and injures/kills the villain or his or her underlings.

People should always, ALWAYS fall in love with their best friends. And angst about it.

Hero/ines ALWAYS work best under pressure.

[[ w e s ]]

Your hero must be the person to whom all the other minor, insignificant characters come for wisdom and advice. He must have knowledge of even the most trivial things. Feel free to use references to people and things that you hear used in other people's conversations or on TV, no matter the time period of the story. It'll only make you the author seem really smart and amazing, especially if the reader doesn't know what you're talking about either.

If your hero is female, she must be strong and indipendent but have a male best friend whom she secretly loves that sneaks through her window at night to gaze at stars and give her wisdom.

If your story has a gay person, they must be male and they cannot be the main character. They have to be quirky and easily likeable and wear skirts just because they're cool that way and die of AIDS in the second half of the book to shock the main character into an epiphany concerning his own life and conflicts. This character can be in love with the main character but be too frightened to tell him, but it's optional.

The main character must drive the car of YOUR dreams. Otherwise it isn't cool. And if there are car chases, there must be oil slicks and sudden cliffs at the edges of the city through which they are driving.

[Slorfae Lafyre]

Never ever breach the holy laws of gender and age. The old men's roles include the mysterious and wise hermit, the sage-like mentor, etc. Old women are fortune tellers, wisewomen of villages, and witchy hags.

Young women's roles in stories are limited to the damsel in distress and slight variations off of that theme. Think Mary-Sue.

With young men's roles you have the option of making a dashing and handsome and saintly hero, or the equally dashing and handsome but delightfully evil villain.

And don't forget the handsome and rugged warrior man, who is ageless.

Under NO circumstances should these roles be confused.

[Indigo Dagger]

Immortal characters must always appear to be dashing 17-year olds. Under no circumstances can they appear to be in their thirties or forties.

And DO NOT make them age as they become centuries old. Who wants to read about someone who's lived a thousand years if they look like they've, well, lived a thousand years?

And it is a sin against God, Satan, Allah and Vishnu to write about the polar opposite of agelessness- accelerated aging.

[Astarael--Banisher]

In fantasy, guys and gals on adventures dress like barbarians, or island natives. Dependng how you look at it. The tank-top shirt that is tied around the waist and the short, ragged jeans are great for a female, where big leather boots, a short fur skirt, and POSSIBLY a sort of toga cover are great for men.

So, if a princess in a tower suddenly goes on an adventure, her clothes will get conveniently ripped on brambles in the first few pages in SUCH a way as to fit the dress-code. Breaking the uniform is a no-no, my friends. Abide to it at all times.

Especially in snow-storms. 3nodding

((Sadly enough, they do wear that sort of stuff in snow-storms in a bunch of hack-fantasy books. It makes you wonder if the authors have ever actually been outside when it's snowing.))

[Astarael--Banisher]

Indigo Dagger

Immortal characters must always appear to be dashing 17-year olds. Under no circumstances can they appear to be in their thirties or forties.

And DO NOT make them age as they become centuries old. Who wants to read about someone who's lived a thousand years if they look like they've, well, lived a thousand years?

And it is a sin against God, Satan, Allah and Vishnu to write about the polar opposite of agelessness- accelerated aging.

((Ha, that reminds me of my character who was seventeen, but looked around forty. Weird character, actually... She kept trying different ways to lose weight, and she kept failing.))

[shelbypoo]

Make your characters drop dead gorgeous and can do anything. Especially if they have some god-like powers. oh and make sure there's always a dude who's avenging his fathers fathers fathers murder and becomes a ninja rouge. oh so dashing.

[Rid V]

Astarael--Banisher

In fantasy, guys and gals on adventures dress like barbarians, or island natives. Dependng how you look at it. The tank-top shirt that is tied around the waist and the short, ragged jeans are great for a female, where big leather boots, a short fur skirt, and POSSIBLY a sort of toga cover are great for men.

So, if a princess in a tower suddenly goes on an adventure, her clothes will get conveniently ripped on brambles in the first few pages in SUCH a way as to fit the dress-code. Breaking the uniform is a no-no, my friends. Abide to it at all times.

Especially in snow-storms. 3nodding

((Sadly enough, they do wear that sort of stuff in snow-storms in a bunch of hack-fantasy books. It makes you wonder if the authors have ever actually been outside when it's snowing.))

((Just so. And in games, too. Game characters never change their clothes for little things like temperatures that could freeze a Vegan snow-lizard or deep-fry a salamander, or the trifling fact that they've been wearing the same clothes for weeks of the sort of weather gods might stir up if they declared all-out war on humanity. The only time they do change clothes is when they go through some sort of transformation or other. Or when they steal the uniform/s of some of the villains' minions.))

The stealing uniforms of minions is a great plot device by the way, go for it. The villains would never think of stuff like passwords, fingerprint-identification, retinal scans, or even uniforms with openings for the faces, really.

And on the subject of car chases, there must always come a part, where either the villain(s), being chased by the hero, or the hero(es), being chased by the villain, drive off onto a side-track with a DO NOT ENTER sign, which subsequently gets run over, or knocked cartwheeling into the air. This rule holds even if the rest of the side road is clear, and there is no apparent reason for the DO NOT ENTER sign to be there, or the side-track ends in a three-hundred foot chasm, across and down, or the road with the the DO NOT ENTER sign is located in a town square.

Oh, and returning to my list of heroes never:

Heroes never lurk, leer, sneak, cackle or scheme

Neither do they employ henchwomen/henchmen or minions, and they never have lairs

((I've heard a good dragon's cave called a lair, which was extremely funny the first time, but the I think the author overuses the word. I'm sure a better synonym could be found. Just goes to show there's no sense in overdoing it.))

Speaking of which: There is no such thing as overdoing, or overusing anything in literature! The older and more timeworn a plot element, line of dialogue, or joke gets, the better it gets! Feel free to introduce your own unique little idea, and then use it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again!

[Half Baked SF]

TheMessioma

Beverly Kills

Never EVER use a thesaurus. They KILL your story with those confusing-as-hell synonyms.

Au contraire. Use a thesaurus ALL THE TIME.

Never use a simple, well-known word when an obscure, ancient and twice longer version exists.

You do realize this is the anti-guide, correct?Nevermind xd Didn't quite catch your point at first.