The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2370 ]
I add new things.	14.7%	[ 1993 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.8%	[ 9169 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13532 ]

[Indigo Dagger]

Charlie_The_Bad

But no matter how much of a lean, mean killing machine the villain is, he should always work for somebody even more powerful, meaner, sadistic, etc. And this person (who is the real villain) isn't revealed until the last possible moment.

Who cares if the readers haven't had enough time to care about this guy? You said he was bad! That should be enough for anybody. Besides, it worked wonders for Dragonball Z, didn't it?

Speaking of Dragonball Z, watch it. You'll LEARN things.

[BoyNeedsTherapy]

Indigo Dagger

Charlie_The_Bad

But no matter how much of a lean, mean killing machine the villain is, he should always work for somebody even more powerful, meaner, sadistic, etc. And this person (who is the real villain) isn't revealed until the last possible moment.

Who cares if the readers haven't had enough time to care about this guy? You said he was bad! That should be enough for anybody. Besides, it worked wonders for Dragonball Z, didn't it?

Speaking of Dragonball Z, watch it. You'll LEARN things.

Nah, Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks > everything.
>.>; Ok, I know, I know. Chuck Norris jokes are lame. Everyone does Jet Lee now.

[Rid V]

BoyNeedsTherapy

I can't stand novels where people die in the middle of the story. Villains is ok, but main character, supporting protaganists etc are bad.

I remember reading this gay series on the internet called 'Wayward People'; the author (a woman rolleyes ) killed the main character's boyfriend at Christmas Eve. Suicide. That was the most aweful thing I've ever read in my whole life. I think I was gaping, shocked for a well over 20 minutes. That's not a good effect on readers.

While I agree with you about character deaths, in general, I must point out that your comment was not presented in Anti-Guide terms. First, you present a case of what an author should under no circumstances do, and you state at as fact. Afterwards, you're allowed to voice your opinions, but the main theme should be conveyed as advice to the author.

For example: When the devastated government is putting the pieces back together, the president/prime minister/leader having already died, along with most of the other politicians, the only survivor with the capability/narrative plausibility to take over will be the highest ranking military survivor.

((Okay, I have one story where the president dies (of natural causes, shortly after the end of the crisis) and is replaced by the Secretary of Military Defense. But it's not like he's the only choice, from the point of view of the story. There are other, equally worthy candidates (in plot terms), he just happens to be best qualified.))

Important characters, especially antagonists always wait until they're in the middle of a fight with the hero to let out their life's story, on little to no provocation. And they will always explain their life's story, even if they intend to kill the hero the instant they finish telling her/him/it/other. This is never seen as in any way odd.

[Astarael--Banisher]

Regarding super-hero stories: Really wicked, new super-powers, like controlling technology (WTH?) or the ability to control atoms (Whoa!) are really cool, and maybe the main character's friend has these powers, or even their arch-nemesis, but the main character will always win. You know why? Because the main character's powers will either be along the lines of super-strength/invulnerability, with the possibility of flight thrown in for fun.

Yep. Brute force beats psychic contortions, technological advances, and exploding neutrons ( surprised ). Brute force is the power that Trumps All.

The one exception is if the bad guy has the Brute Force power. If it's the bad guy's power, than the main characters will somehow trick them or mentally beat them into submission, though the bad guys will never do this to the main characters, because evilness dulls your intelligence. 3nodding

[Astarael--Banisher]

I'm going to be posting this post whenever I remember (as often as every couple pages to as rare every dozen pages or so). If I post it right after you post, do not be offended: this post is not meant to target ANYONE. It is merely to prevent the recurrence of several topics. These topics, once arising, have proven difficult to squash. The Anti-Guide has several time nearly drowned in the repitition caused by these topics. The topics, dubbed the Solemn Truths, are so solemnly true that discussing them is practically pointless. So while mentioning them is not forbidden, please also try to bring up some new points, too. Thank you, have a nice day!

Here Be the Solemn Truths, God

-The hero is always perfect/handsome/talented/sexually appealing/a virgin/the savior/a Mary-Sue/etc.

-The heroine is always perfect/handsome/talented/sexually appealing/a virgin/the savior/a Mary-Sue/etc.

-The hero and heroine get it on in the end because of True Love. Usually with lots of steamy and pointless sex. They also probably argued in the beginning, but what the hell. It's True Love.

-The main character shall Angst A Lot, possibly because of a tragic past.

-Destiny, prophecies, and being the Chosen One makes the world go round.

-There is no such thing as too much description for a main character. Use as many verbose phrases as possible, and hopefully manage to break up the description into several paragraphs.

-Using weird spelling, pretty fonts, and stupid grammar skills is an awesome thing to do.

-Odd-colored eyes are awesome and significant.

-Using random references to Japan is the way to go.

-Vilians are always the epitome of evil, or they are completely redeemed, nothing else.

-Plagiarism is to be embraced, not avoided.

-Beta-readers, editors, and all forms critics must always agree with you, otherwise, they are stupid, and their views can be discounted.

-Resurrections must always occur, as frequently as possible.

-The goverment is always evil. At least, it never works in favor of the hero.

[IrkenMegara]

Should one of your characters get sick (and this does not apply to your angst-fest terminal diseases), it must always be brought on by running around in the rain/cold wearing little more than a towel. Never mind what you learned in 8th grade Health about viruses and all that jazz. It's the elements at fault!

No one ever gets laryngitis or a ruptured appendix or mono. It has to be a cold, nothing else. Your character's love interest will flock to him to feed him chicken soup and peel apples for him with no fear of the virus passing on to them. TRUE LOVE boosts the immune system.

And no one ever looks like death warmed over while they're sick, or gets a nose that runs like a faucet, or grows emaciated because they can't keep anything down. He just has a flushed complexion and a hazy look in his eyes that makes him all the sexier. And that's all you really wanted to accomplish, right?

[Rid V]

Not only do people feel compelled to tell their whole life's story in the middle of battle, they also have to explain every new special technique and/or weapon they use in excrutiating detail.

((I know it's necessary to explain to the audience, but there must be a better way to do it.))

[Roufette]

[Roufette]

Rules For an Angst Fest

- You must always fill your angst quota. ...Wait..Go over it! Make the entire novel about angst. Everyone loves angst! We're teenagers!

- If your main character is a girl, have her angst about her figure, her bra size, and her butt. ESPECIALLY if they are too big.

- If your main character is male, have him angst about his lack of feminine companionship. Add 10 angst points if every single female in your book is fawning over him.

- Supporting characters cannot angst. They have no angst abilities. If they do angst, the main character tells them all about their angst and the supporting character must kill themself. No, not because their life really DOES suck, bt because they feel unable to measure up to you hero/ine.

- Villians only angst in the middle of a fight scene, when they are speaking to pretty lady prisoners or when they are about to die. Same goes for lackys.

[wingnut the improbable]

Roufette

*clip clip*

-Your heroine's parents are either famous super-people or photographers.

*clip clip*

Or psychologists. Then when your teenage character angsts about life, the universe, and everything, the psychologist parent will try to help, using strange German terms (make them up if you have to), which leads to more angsting plus the dissonant screeching of, 'You just don't understand me!' (Only with more exclamation marks, capital letters, and spelling errors.)

[Rid V]

Remember this: if your main villain is not mad at the beginning of your story, s/he must go mad by the end. Said madness will be a direct result of your main characters' activities. All villains must be slightly off-balanced to do what they do anyway. No one sane ever did anything truly wicked, did they? And no villain, no matter how strong of mind, could help but go crazy, what with all the mayhem your MC's been causin'. Interestingly enough, this madness never deters the villain's ability to do evil, if anything it enhances it, except after the big climax, if s/he is still alive, his/her craziness can be utilized to make her either commit suicide, or attack in a blind rage, which comes out to pretty much the same thing.

[Roufette]

wingnut the improbable

Roufette

*clip clip*

-Your heroine's parents are either famous super-people or photographers.

*clip clip*

Or psychologists. Then when your teenage character angsts about life, the universe, and everything, the psychologist parent will try to help, using strange German terms (make them up if you have to), which leads to more angsting plus the dissonant screeching of, 'You just don't understand me!' (Only with more exclamation marks, capital letters, and spelling errors.)

Or, if you want to get rid of the parents, make them go to Germany and try to learn knew physco-babble. If you REALLY want to get rid of them, have them kill themselves for not understanding their perfect, amazing, brilliant Mary sue child.

[Astarael--Banisher]

Roufette

wingnut the improbable

Roufette

*clip clip*

-Your heroine's parents are either famous super-people or photographers.

*clip clip*

Or psychologists. Then when your teenage character angsts about life, the universe, and everything, the psychologist parent will try to help, using strange German terms (make them up if you have to), which leads to more angsting plus the dissonant screeching of, 'You just don't understand me!' (Only with more exclamation marks, capital letters, and spelling errors.)

Or, if you want to get rid of the parents, make them go to Germany and try to learn knew physco-babble. If you REALLY want to get rid of them, have them kill themselves for not understanding their perfect, amazing, brilliant Mary sue child.

Lack of motive is a brilliant way to introduce a mystery into the main character's life. Their parents suicide. Lack of motive. Yay! Now, in a silly textbook-like novel, a motive would surface and the main character would try to investigate the seemingly pointless suicides (which might have been murders).

But in YOUR book, which is cutting-edge and really cool, a motive is stupid. And your character should not act reasonably/logically; they should sit down and begin a self-pity orgy.

At this point, it would be really fun to have someone walk up to them and slap them and tell them to get out of it, but since this is the Anti-Guide, I'm afraid I must tell you that that sort of thing is a big no-no. 3nodding

[Astarael--Banisher]

The Wild Hunt is a really nice touch to the fairy-ish sort of stories. If your story takes place anywhere in the area of the British Isles and/or has fairies/sprites/etc. in it, then be sure to include an evil doom-like Wild Hunt that constantly soars across the sky, freaks out the main characters, and may or may not play a big part later in the story (other people don't notice it, of course, 'cos they go temporarily deaf and blind at the crucial moment). But regardless of what you do with it, the Wild Hunt is as neccesary to a story in the British Isles as black leather is neccesary to a story about vampires.