The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2370 ]
I add new things.	14.7%	[ 1993 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.8%	[ 9169 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13532 ]

[Embee Twelve]

The Kitsune Hanyou

There is no such thing as having to wash clothes in a fantasy world. Who cars if you wear it for a year? It never needs to be washed! It's MAGIC!

If someone does wash clothes, it should be a girl, and she will have to take them off to wash them - which means you have a perfect opportunity for her male love interest (current or future) to accidentally see her naked.

[Magic Toast]

The heroine's heart never beats, it 'throbs in her wholesome bosom'! As if any girl's heart 'beats' nowadays.

[Mademoiselle Kit]

Magic Toast

The heroine's heart never beats, it 'throbs in her wholesome bosom'! As if any girl's heart 'beats' nowadays.

It can also "Pound passionately in her bosom as she looked into the azure orbs of the object of her desire."

[Minion Ripley]

If you're posting stories online, your readers absolutely love it when you cut the end of the chapter to once the first paragraph of gibberish is done with and say in those vital author's notes at the end of the story along the lines of "lyke omg tht waz soooooooo kewl omg r&r plez!!!!!! haha no niw chpterss if u dont!!!" Seriously. They would never even consider rolling their eyes and clicking that "back" button.

Better yet, if your victims readers do actually review, don't ever update. Just add more author's notes that whine about how awful and busy your life is and that the story is on hold for an indefinite period of time. Everyone will understand and be your best friend once you spill your pathetic life story to them.

Remember, if your characters are out in the wilderness doing something and they get hurt, it's never because they were simply stupid or oblivious to the dangers of nature. It's because they either are weak and need to be comforted and cared for all the time (note: only works for skinny, highly-attractive women, preferably the dainty healer of the group) or were attacked by an Evil Monster sent by the villain. It is most definitely not because they foolishly stood up on a wet log, slipped, and broke their ankle when they hit the ground.

All of the natives of a town are always friendly and helpful to complete strangers. They would never roll their eyes at your characters and treat them like naive children or at least make tourist jokes behind their backs. This is because your characters always know the right stuff to say and ask about, despite having never been to or studied that town or region. For example, your characters most certainly would never ask a question such as, "When do you turn on the Northern Lights?" while in Alaska, northern Canada, or other semi-arctic or arctic places.

Added: Are you talking about a sensitive topic that you would prefer not to state specifically? Then use as many flowery, vague terms as you can find in that ol' dictionary of yours. Better yet, just skip it entirely like you deleted a few pages worth of stuff and not even summarize what happened, even if it's an important point in your story. No one will think of you as an oversensitive sissy or just a plain bad writer. Like I said before, just spill your life story to them and they'll understand and forgive you no matter how screwed up your actual story is.

[Embee Twelve]

The Kitsune Hanyou

Magic Toast

The heroine's heart never beats, it 'throbs in her wholesome bosom'! As if any girl's heart 'beats' nowadays.

It can also "Pound passionately in her bosom as she looked into the azure orbs of the object of her desire."

Unless she's a vampire (or any variant of a vampire). Then she must angst about how her heart no longer pounds passionately in her wholesome bosom.

[Mademoiselle Kit]

skye_anna

The Kitsune Hanyou

Magic Toast

The heroine's heart never beats, it 'throbs in her wholesome bosom'! As if any girl's heart 'beats' nowadays.

It can also "Pound passionately in her bosom as she looked into the azure orbs of the object of her desire."

Unless she's a vampire (or any variant of a vampire). Then she must angst about how her heart no longer pounds passionately in her wholesome bosom.

But then she states how good it is when she "meets her lips with his sweet, seductive ones", and she doesn't have to "break the moment of their lips meeting in tender embrace" by having to pull away and breathe.

Better yet, no characters EVER have to pull away from a kiss and breathe! They can kiss for all eternity, lungs be dammed!

[Jedi Arashi]

The Kitsune Hanyou

skye_anna

The Kitsune Hanyou

Magic Toast

The heroine's heart never beats, it 'throbs in her wholesome bosom'! As if any girl's heart 'beats' nowadays.

It can also "Pound passionately in her bosom as she looked into the azure orbs of the object of her desire."

Unless she's a vampire (or any variant of a vampire). Then she must angst about how her heart no longer pounds passionately in her wholesome bosom.

But then she states how good it is when she "meets her lips with his sweet, seductive ones", and she doesn't have to "break the moment of their lips meeting in tender embrace" by having to pull away and breathe.

Better yet, no characters EVER have to pull away from a kiss and breathe! They can kiss for all eternity, lungs be dammed!

...and this is why I don't read romance novels. And why I tend to skip over the romance scenes in any other novels. I don't know about the rest of you girls, but I've NEVER had my heart "pound passionately" or "throb." sweatdrop neutral

[Mademoiselle Kit]

JediArashi

The Kitsune Hanyou

skye_anna

The Kitsune Hanyou

Magic Toast

The heroine's heart never beats, it 'throbs in her wholesome bosom'! As if any girl's heart 'beats' nowadays.

It can also "Pound passionately in her bosom as she looked into the azure orbs of the object of her desire."

Unless she's a vampire (or any variant of a vampire). Then she must angst about how her heart no longer pounds passionately in her wholesome bosom.

But then she states how good it is when she "meets her lips with his sweet, seductive ones", and she doesn't have to "break the moment of their lips meeting in tender embrace" by having to pull away and breathe.

Better yet, no characters EVER have to pull away from a kiss and breathe! They can kiss for all eternity, lungs be dammed!

...and this is why I don't read romance novels. And why I tend to skip over the romance scenes in any other novels. I don't know about the rest of you girls, but I've NEVER had my heart "pound passionately" or "throb." sweatdrop neutral

(( ninja I have, but it was more of a "pounding annoyingly in my ear while I'm trying to make a straight face and keep myself from blushing" wink )

There can be a thing such as a kind hearted dragon. There is no such thing as a "kindhearted cyclops". Dragons are the ONLY mystical being that can possess badass skills and still help out the MC on occasion.

[Embee Twelve]

The Kitsune Hanyou

There can be a thing such as a kind hearted dragon. There is no such thing as a "kindhearted cyclops". Dragons are the ONLY mystical being that can possess badass skills and still help out the MC on occasion.

But of course. Dragons are pretty and majestic and awesome! Cyclops are ugly, and can't have uber magical powers like dragons can. Nothing has uber magical powers as awesome as a dragon's, except for the gods, who, if present, will also help out the main character at some point. (They're pretty too, obviously.)

[The French Kitty]

*There must always be a princess in the story, and she must be pretty, shy, and ladylike.
*don't worry about chat speak, racism, etc. it's one of the side-dishes to choose from. blaugh heart
*Don't worry about editing.

[Dakotah]

By all means, don't make your readers think. I mean, if they figure out the whole story in the first aragraph, it's all for the better. They don't want any mystery, you know.

[Jasper Riddle]

Dakotah

By all means, don't make your readers think. I mean, if they figure out the whole story in the first aragraph, it's all for the better. They don't want any mystery, you know.

Inversely, don't tell them a thing! Lead them along a dark passage with minty floss. Throw in so many charas that they--and you--get confused. Then you know you're doing a good job.

[Xiraes]

Jasper Riddle

Dakotah

By all means, don't make your readers think. I mean, if they figure out the whole story in the first aragraph, it's all for the better. They don't want any mystery, you know.

Inversely, don't tell them a thing! Lead them along a dark passage with minty floss. Throw in so many charas that they--and you--get confused. Then you know you're doing a good job.

And that the end, instead of tying all those billions of loose ends together into something semi-plausible, pretend that your existential by having a conversation like this:

A: Um... what just happened?
B: Does anything ever happen?
A: What?!
B: Will we ever know?
A: What are you talking about
B: Let me give you a philosophy lecture...

THE END.

[Jasper Riddle]

Xiraes

Jasper Riddle

Dakotah

By all means, don't make your readers think. I mean, if they figure out the whole story in the first aragraph, it's all for the better. They don't want any mystery, you know.

Inversely, don't tell them a thing! Lead them along a dark passage with minty floss. Throw in so many charas that they--and you--get confused. Then you know you're doing a good job.

And that the end, instead of tying all those billions of loose ends together into something semi-plausible, pretend that your existential by having a conversation like this:

A: Um... what just happened?
B: Does anything ever happen?
A: What?!
B: Will we ever know?
A: What are you talking about
B: Let me give you a philosophy lecture...

THE END.

Or, better yet, make it like a video game or movie! Tell what happened to each chara after the book ended.
Chara F went on to be a famous rockstar...

[wingnut the improbable]

Jasper Riddle

Or, better yet, make it like a video game or movie! Tell what happened to each chara after the book ended.
Chara F went on to be a famous rockstar...

And, of course, make all of it ridiculously improbable. Chara F became a famous rockstar, Chara B cured cancer, Chara N became the first person to set foot on another planet inhabited by intelligent life, and Chara D discovered a way that nobody would ever have to suffer again. Because your characters are that cool.

When your characters kiss, none of them should have breath comparable to that of a cat's after it eats, and none of them should have chapped lips or gross furry things in their teeth. That would be silly. Kisses are always perfect.

At least one character in your story should attempt or commit suicide.