The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2370 ]
I add new things.	14.7%	[ 1993 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.8%	[ 9169 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13532 ]

[Insecure Evil]

Jasper Riddle

Khalista

Rantress Granny Duck

See if you can do a little research on what yime period, or what you're doing the story on. Add backgrounds to all of your characters, even the less important ones.

And you should never, ever read the guidelines for the magazine/publisher/site/forum you are submitting too. Everyone will be soooo impressed with your story that they won't care that it's totally out of place, submitted incorrectly, etc.

And throw in as many spelling mistakes as possible. Anyone who betas or edits for you will be overjoyed. mrgreen

And always take their criticism like a personal affront and refuse to use the corrections they made. Call 'em names, too, while you're at it.

[Rid V]

KiwiOfDestruction

Your female main character can NEVER EVER EVER be hispanic/latina. I mean, really. How will she have "flowing locks of a bright, lustrous gold" or skin that is "light, smooth, unblemished, and perfect as the full, shining moon and of similar hue" or eyes that are "A vivid, shining sapphire that sparkle with the raw intensity of the depth of her tortured soul"? How will she get away with being a ninth-generation American who's never taken a language class in her life and still use the words "baka", "kawaii", and "chibi" in polite conversation? How will she complain about slavery?

I don't often comment when people repeat what other people have said on this thread (I'd never be shutting up) so normally, I just prefer to say new stuff that no one else has said before, or look at old stuff from a new angle. But in this case I just have to point out that the first part of that post reads practically word-for-word like a post somebody made in the past 15-20 pages, (and I'm trying to remember if it was you.)

Anyhow, ancient alien technology, especially the kind that can destroy (insert suitably massive thing, such as town, continent, or planet for favorite) is always a great plot device, use it frequently, like once or twice a chapter/episode/fit for preference.

[Jasper Riddle]

Rid V

KiwiOfDestruction

Your female main character can NEVER EVER EVER be hispanic/latina. I mean, really. How will she have "flowing locks of a bright, lustrous gold" or skin that is "light, smooth, unblemished, and perfect as the full, shining moon and of similar hue" or eyes that are "A vivid, shining sapphire that sparkle with the raw intensity of the depth of her tortured soul"? How will she get away with being a ninth-generation American who's never taken a language class in her life and still use the words "baka", "kawaii", and "chibi" in polite conversation? How will she complain about slavery?

I don't often comment when people repeat what other people have said on this thread (I'd never be shutting up) so normally, I just prefer to say new stuff that no one else has said before, or look at old stuff from a new angle. But in this case I just have to point out that the first part of that post reads practically word-for-word like a post somebody made in the past 15-20 pages, (and I'm trying to remember if it was you.)

Anyhow, ancient alien technology, especially the kind that can destroy (insert suitably massive thing, such as town, continent, or planet for favorite) is always a great plot device, use it frequently, like once or twice a chapter/episode/fit for preference.

And this ancient alien technology is always easily destroyable by humans. 3nodding But only if the aliens are the bad guys.

[KiwiOfDestruction]

Rid V

KiwiOfDestruction

Your female main character can NEVER EVER EVER be hispanic/latina. I mean, really. How will she have "flowing locks of a bright, lustrous gold" or skin that is "light, smooth, unblemished, and perfect as the full, shining moon and of similar hue" or eyes that are "A vivid, shining sapphire that sparkle with the raw intensity of the depth of her tortured soul"? How will she get away with being a ninth-generation American who's never taken a language class in her life and still use the words "baka", "kawaii", and "chibi" in polite conversation? How will she complain about slavery?

I don't often comment when people repeat what other people have said on this thread (I'd never be shutting up) so normally, I just prefer to say new stuff that no one else has said before, or look at old stuff from a new angle. But in this case I just have to point out that the first part of that post reads practically word-for-word like a post somebody made in the past 15-20 pages, (and I'm trying to remember if it was you.)

Anyhow, ancient alien technology, especially the kind that can destroy (insert suitably massive thing, such as town, continent, or planet for favorite) is always a great plot device, use it frequently, like once or twice a chapter/episode/fit for preference.

It was me, but that time I was talking about African American, this time I'm talking about hispanic. 3nodding Okay, fine. Jeez. *Deletes*.

[Scarlet Bloodmoon]

Every female character must have either artificial black hair and gothic or blonde hair and be popular. Only the rejected Southern girls who just moved over have any type of reddish hair and all foreign students are drop-dead sexy and is the center of everyone's attention, usually leading to the jealousy from the lead blonde.

[Rid V]

KiwiOfDestruction

Rid V

KiwiOfDestruction

Your female main character can NEVER EVER EVER be hispanic/latina. I mean, really. How will she have "flowing locks of a bright, lustrous gold" or skin that is "light, smooth, unblemished, and perfect as the full, shining moon and of similar hue" or eyes that are "A vivid, shining sapphire that sparkle with the raw intensity of the depth of her tortured soul"? How will she get away with being a ninth-generation American who's never taken a language class in her life and still use the words "baka", "kawaii", and "chibi" in polite conversation? How will she complain about slavery?

I don't often comment when people repeat what other people have said on this thread (I'd never be shutting up) so normally, I just prefer to say new stuff that no one else has said before, or look at old stuff from a new angle. But in this case I just have to point out that the first part of that post reads practically word-for-word like a post somebody made in the past 15-20 pages, (and I'm trying to remember if it was you.)

Anyhow, ancient alien technology, especially the kind that can destroy (insert suitably massive thing, such as town, continent, or planet for favorite) is always a great plot device, use it frequently, like once or twice a chapter/episode/fit for preference.

It was me, but that time I was talking about African American, this time I'm talking about hispanic. 3nodding Okay, fine. Jeez. *Deletes*.

No need to do that, I was just commenting, it looks kinda odd. Now personally, I just say, following up on (something I said 10 pages ago that no newcomer will remember) and then (insert whatever), but that's just me, the random idiot. No offense meant.

[Ummy]

No one should ever do normal things, like do the laundry or clean the bathroom. Can't be bothered with that.

And no one's ever a B- average student. All of your student characters should either be failing out of school or geniuses. Or maybe they were failing until they met love interest, and now they're head of the class, despite three months of zero grades being averaged in. Or vice versa.

It's better to be safe and stick with what works instead of risk it by trying something new. So feel free to gratuitously "borrow" from other authors or series. No one will care if Duke Starrunner weilds a lasersword and defeats enemies with "the power". They won't even notice, your story is so good.

[Muffers]

For that matter, characters should never have to use the bathroom. What kind of good character needs to relieve themselves, anyway? Such little things take away from le grande plot de fantastica and should not be included. Ever. Bathrooms are overrated, anyways. May as well scrap those from your story entirely.

[Ummy]

It's possible to take a year long space journey with only a week's worth of food rations. You never run out of food in space.

[Jasper Riddle]

Ummy

It's possible to take a year long space journey with only a week's worth of food rations. You never run out of food in space.

Or anywhere else, for that matter. The bags of food are OMGMAJIKUL and refill themselves.

[Morizawa]

The best way to incorporate a foreign language in your story is to use alta vista's machine translation. Don't listen to anyone who is actually fluent in the language.

[izabethelay]

Remember you are the author, if you want flying pink cacti that appear when anyone uses the word "the", then you put it in the story. You can do whatever you want to. Stories don't need logic.

[ArtikGato]

Red eyes = eeevil. Except in the case of the angst-ridden hero, THEY can have red eyes and not be evil.

Similarly, yellow eyes = demon/devil/animal/half-animal. If a normal-looking person has yellow eyes, they MUST be part demon/devil/animal/vampire, etc.

Oh yes, and your characters CAN have silver eyes. Of COURSE that's physically possible.

[Clare_N]

Everybody loves songfics and they're really easy to write as well. All you need to do is find a suitably slushy ballad and work out a story to go with the lyrics. If you can, try to pick the most cliched song you can - the world of fanfiction can never have too many songfics to "My Heart Will Go On". When you've picked your song, start writing a story based entirely on the lyrics, which should be quoted at least every few paragraphs. Don't forget to make it as sappy as possible and it is essential to include at least one of the following cliches:

1, Character pining for a lost love

2, Character wondering if he or she truly loves the other character

3, Character asking: "Why did he (or she) leave me?"

[Alea Facta Est]

MasterKist

Jasper Riddle

Khalista

Rantress Granny Duck

See if you can do a little research on what yime period, or what you're doing the story on. Add backgrounds to all of your characters, even the less important ones.

And you should never, ever read the guidelines for the magazine/publisher/site/forum you are submitting too. Everyone will be soooo impressed with your story that they won't care that it's totally out of place, submitted incorrectly, etc.

And throw in as many spelling mistakes as possible. Anyone who betas or edits for you will be overjoyed. mrgreen

And always take their criticism like a personal affront and refuse to use the corrections they made. Call 'em names, too, while you're at it.

Don't forget to write particularly tragic responses that express how disappointed you are at the shallowness of this...mortal who ignores your High Art and instead focuses on such trivial details.