The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2370 ]
I add new things.	14.7%	[ 1993 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.8%	[ 9169 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13532 ]

[Rid V]

Jasper Riddle

Rid V

Remember that everyone, everyone, is at their very wittiest when in the midst of a big, chaotic battle or one-on-one deathmatch. Really. Even if somebody's just cut off their arm. And their other arm. And both their legs.

And the villain must always want to help the hero/ine/s along until they get to the big boss fight at the end. Bonus points if its for no apparent reason.

Cyborgs always build robots. Doesn't matter who they are, or what they would want to do with them, they must build robots. End of story.

Also, if someone happens to mention/use a handy little magical item/piece of technology such as an amulet that protects against alligator bites or a wristwatch that acts as a TV remote control, it must be vitally important in the hero/ine's Master Plan at the end.

If they lose all body parts, then it must not hinder them in winning the battle. After all, it's just a flesh wound.
The hero/ine(s) must always find some seemingly innocent object that ends up being a major component in the baddie's MP. then they can destroy it at a crucial moment and save teh world YAY!

That's right, tis but a scratch.

But what I meant was that if the brainy inventor or magical object craftsman/woman comes up with a revoluntionary new toaster oven (not the evil kind that tries to eat you) or ordinary-looking stick that makes a character look green then, either they will need to bake some explosive-packed muffins (hey, could happen) or infiltrate the Supreme Villian (tm)'s castle... which is guarded by humanoid creatures who happen to have green skin. They can never use a flashlight with an infrared setting to find an invisible character one third through the story and then never mention it again. The Villian must have an invisibility power that heros must defeat with the flashlight. Otherwise, why bother mentioning it, you can't use it for one minor but important detail of the (non)plot, that would be wrong.

(I'm too clear about what I'm saying, am I? Maybe I should take more time to work out what I'm actually trying to say.)

[wingnut the improbable]

Jasper Riddle

After all, it's just a flesh wound.

*Arm gets cut off.* "It's just a flesh wound."

*Quickly changes the topic before it becomes another Monty Python quotefest.*

All Big Evil Badguys' Super OMG!DANGEROUS Weapons must have a big, red, very very obvious Self-Destruct Button. It's the best way to get out of Plot Holes.

Be sure to capitalize Words That Should Not Be Capitalized. Grammar is for Stupid People.

[Jasper Riddle]

wingnut the improbable

Jasper Riddle

After all, it's just a flesh wound.

*Arm gets cut off.* "It's just a flesh wound."

*Quickly changes the topic before it becomes another Monty Python quotefest.*

All Big Evil Badguys' Super OMG!DANGEROUS Weapons must have a big, red, very very obvious Self-Destruct Button. It's the best way to get out of Plot Holes.

Be sure to capitalize Words That Should Not Be Capitalized. Grammar is for Stupid People.

Everybody noes that. And missspeling is fin.

[hecate-athena]

wingnut the improbable

Jasper Riddle

After all, it's just a flesh wound.

*Arm gets cut off.* "It's just a flesh wound."

*Quickly changes the topic before it becomes another Monty Python quotefest.*

All Big Evil Badguys' Super OMG!DANGEROUS Weapons must have a big, red, very very obvious Self-Destruct Button. It's the best way to get out of Plot Holes.

Be sure to capitalize Words That Should Not Be Capitalized. Grammar is for Stupid People.

And don't capitalize words that need to be. Especially "i". Lowercase is the new uppercase!

[Your Neighbor Totoro]

wingnut the improbable

Jasper Riddle

After all, it's just a flesh wound.

*Arm gets cut off.* "It's just a flesh wound."

*Quickly changes the topic before it becomes another Monty Python quotefest.*

All Big Evil Badguys' Super OMG!DANGEROUS Weapons must have a big, red, very very obvious Self-Destruct Button. It's the best way to get out of Plot Holes.

Be sure to capitalize Words That Should Not Be Capitalized. Grammar is for Stupid People.

spam spam spam spam

[Morizawa]

Cuts, injuries caused by broken bones, organ tissue damage and gashes must never get infected. Despite the fact that your character has been fighting in a sewer, that cut in his leg is completely untouched by the bacteria from fecal matter, urine and many other things i'd rather not talk about. After all bacteria is just a myth, it wasn't discovered(maybe i should say proven) until just within the last 50-80 years that bacteria actually exists so if the story takes place sometime in the early 1900s or back, what they don't know doesn't hurt them.

[KiwiOfDestruction]

If your Harry Potter fanfiction is sporked in Deleterius, they're just jealous. Their sporkings are immature, and they could only hope to be a seventeenth of the writer you are when you're drunk. Really. Seriously.

[wingnut the improbable]

Can't think of a name? Either look up something that describes your character on a baby-naming site, look up something that describes your character in a English/Japanese dictionary, or post a thread in the writer's forum proclaiming "OMG!LIEKNAMEMYCHARACTERKTHX!!!!!!1!!!fortytwo!!!2!!!"

[Morizawa]

wingnut the improbable

Can't think of a name? Either look up something that describes your character on a baby-naming site, look up something that describes your character in a English/Japanese dictionary, or post a thread in the writer's forum proclaiming "OMG!LIEKNAMEMYCHARACTERKTHX!!!!!!1!!!fortytwo!!!2!!!"

(wow... that's kind of what you're suppose to do you know. That is of course unless you want to make up a name off the top of your head that sounds like crap, "FEAR ME FOR MY NAME IS UZLIL!" If you don't look up a name on a baby name site or use a japanese dictionary then there pretty much is no other choice)

Edit: (unless of course you want to name chars after your friends or some such thing)

[Charlie_The_Bad]

You get 22 and a half bonus points for every item that you mention once at the beginning of the story and never mention again until the end, where it's completely neccesary to defeat the villian. Who knew that the villian was allergic to old pennies and unwashed socks?

[Rid V]

wingnut the improbable

Can't think of a name? Either look up something that describes your character on a baby-naming site, look up something that describes your character in a English/Japanese dictionary, or post a thread in the writer's forum proclaiming "OMG!LIEKNAMEMYCHARACTERKTHX!!!!!!1!!!fortytwo!!!2!!!"

(I actually did that, go to a baby name website, I mean. The baby's character I thought I might have to kill later [long story] and I wanted to name him something that is close to a name that means lucky. [If he makes it, he will be].)

*apologizes profusely for indoducing Monty Python's Quest For the Holy Grail, didn't know what kind of monster would become of it*

Actually, I do have another one to add, though. Unless you are an axe-murderer, you will find that wood is extremely pliable. Anything metal sharper than a butter knife wielded by the least-experienced, frailest nine-year-old will cut through anything wooden. Really, staff, chair, desk, poll, or hundred-year tree will cut neatly in half. Absolutely true.

[Unhinge]

wingnut the improbable

Can't think of a name? Either look up something that describes your character on a baby-naming site, look up something that describes your character in a English/Japanese dictionary, or post a thread in the writer's forum proclaiming "OMG!LIEKNAMEMYCHARACTERKTHX!!!!!!1!!!fortytwo!!!2!!!"

Or if your desperate, just through together some vowels and a couple of other non-important letters, add in a comma and a couple of apostrophes and BAM! Name in a box.

[Jasper Riddle]

Oister

wingnut the improbable

Can't think of a name? Either look up something that describes your character on a baby-naming site, look up something that describes your character in a English/Japanese dictionary, or post a thread in the writer's forum proclaiming "OMG!LIEKNAMEMYCHARACTERKTHX!!!!!!1!!!fortytwo!!!2!!!"

Or if your desperate, just through together some vowels and a couple of other non-important letters, add in a comma and a couple of apostrophes and BAM! Name in a box.

Like so.
dkjgtruevm becomes
Dujetruevm becomes
Dujet-Ruev'm
Ta-da!

[IrkenMegara]

Was this mentioned before? I'm sorry if it was.

There is always one big, bad conglomerate behind everything evil going on in the world. That's right, the random thug who ripped off Grandma's purse is, on some level, working for The Big Kingpin Boss Man. Of course, NOBODY except your hero suspects that there's something sinister going on behind the friendly corporate image. Really. The cops are, as always, useless in this situation.

Speaking of police, bonus points if you portray them as fat, doughnut-snarfing, trigger-happy, glorified rent-a-cops. All the training they went through does them no good, while your civilian-turned-vigilante punk cleans up the streets single-handedly. (If the police are not incompetent, they must be corrupt. Because nobody likes to see an honest cop. Just ignore Law and Order's various incarnations, and you'll do fine.)

[Minion Ripley]

Kind of going off of IrkenMegara's thing on authority figures...

Teachers, especially teachers who teach fighting techniques, are always way less capable than the students. They are also cocky and bossy, but they must always be taught their own lesson by the Rebel (who is also a main character of yours, usually one of the cooler ones). Teachers are most certainly not people with good hearts who want to pass on some bits of knowledge to younger generations.

Also, the Teacher's Pet is always like a minion to the teacher. An annoying minion who is just as arrogant and unknowningly weak as the teacher, that is. It is never just the unfortunate student that the teacher decided to play favorites with.

This attitude thing also goes for scientists of high standing. They are always trying to get in the way of your good guy's journey and trying to label the hero an idiot, not actually doing their job and trying to discover more things from the world around them. They also always dress in white lab coats.

All those that actually enjoy being rich or at least don't give a good 90% of what they make to the poor are evil. They also often have bulging guts, wear overly-fancy clothes, and speak in a snotty fashion. Yes, simply being rather selfish makes them horribly, irreversibly evil.