The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2370 ]
I add new things.	14.7%	[ 1993 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.8%	[ 9169 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13532 ]

[~Rue.The.Day~]

Squawk

sabletheferretlord

Spellcheckers are for the weak. So is punctuation. Anyone who says that they don't understand you just hates you and is jealous, and deserves to die and burn in hell.

You're my hero.

Your signature is the best thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Sadly, I know nothing about colorguard--but I do march Wind and sometimes play Pit. However, anything that involves Colorguard on this site, I shall gladly support. 3nodding

[Storeage]

~Rue.The.Day~

Storeage

-If the story is set in midieval Europe (and how can it NOT be?), you must use "thee" and "ye" in place of you. Always. Who cares that the word "you" existed back then? Or that "thee" was the informal form of you (as in, the one you would use with people you knew closely), or that "ye" is the plural form of you? Your readers certainall don't care!

-Speaking in other languages PWNZ ALL! The more languages known, the more the character pwnz j00 lol! And all swearing MUST be done in another language, whether it be made up, or something nice and obscure, like Spanish.

When using "thee," "thou," and "ye" be sure to employ them out of context as much as possible. Who cares that a Queen would never use one of those because it signifies you speaking with your betters?

Whoever told you that there is a difference between "their," "there," and "they're" lied! Liars! They're probably the same people who said "it's" and "its" weren't the same. You'll show them.

No one graduated from college--college is an urban myth. Therefore, you need to write in itsy bitsy redundant sentences so that everyone will understand what you're trying to say.

Never use "said." If you must use "said," use it all the time, even when your character is yelling.

Don't bother thinking up your own action/comedy/dialogue. Originality is for squares--what do accomplished writers care if you take and butcher their work? They've got enough money! So, go ahead, do it. No one will read it long enough to notice.

When sending your work to an editor/publisher, do NOT run it through spell check, do NOT get a friend to read over it to make sure it makes sense, and do NOT bother taking the editor's advice or attempt explaining a single thing happening in the story. Editors LIKE receiving work that looks as though it was written by an eight-year-old. gonk

When in doubt, switch to script. Everyone loves script, right?

((Eh? I thought "thee" was for close friends/family, and "you" was for strangers/your betters...))

[~Rue.The.Day~]

Storeage

~Rue.The.Day~

Storeage

-If the story is set in midieval Europe (and how can it NOT be?), you must use "thee" and "ye" in place of you. Always. Who cares that the word "you" existed back then? Or that "thee" was the informal form of you (as in, the one you would use with people you knew closely), or that "ye" is the plural form of you? Your readers certainall don't care!

-Speaking in other languages PWNZ ALL! The more languages known, the more the character pwnz j00 lol! And all swearing MUST be done in another language, whether it be made up, or something nice and obscure, like Spanish.

When using "thee," "thou," and "ye" be sure to employ them out of context as much as possible. Who cares that a Queen would never use one of those because it signifies you speaking with your betters?

Whoever told you that there is a difference between "their," "there," and "they're" lied! Liars! They're probably the same people who said "it's" and "its" weren't the same. You'll show them.

No one graduated from college--college is an urban myth. Therefore, you need to write in itsy bitsy redundant sentences so that everyone will understand what you're trying to say.

Never use "said." If you must use "said," use it all the time, even when your character is yelling.

Don't bother thinking up your own action/comedy/dialogue. Originality is for squares--what do accomplished writers care if you take and butcher their work? They've got enough money! So, go ahead, do it. No one will read it long enough to notice.

When sending your work to an editor/publisher, do NOT run it through spell check, do NOT get a friend to read over it to make sure it makes sense, and do NOT bother taking the editor's advice or attempt explaining a single thing happening in the story. Editors LIKE receiving work that looks as though it was written by an eight-year-old. gonk

When in doubt, switch to script. Everyone loves script, right?

((Eh? I thought "thee" was for close friends/family, and "you" was for strangers/your betters...))

I said one of them because I can't remember which one. There is a specific one that implies you are speaking with your betters/elders/horse. sweatdrop

[~Rue.The.Day~]

Change your characters eye color as often as possible. In fact, give them the power to dialate their pupils whenever they are angry. Nothing is as intimidating as temporary blindness.

[Araia.Naishi]

~Rue.The.Day~

Change your characters eye color as often as possible. In fact, give them the power to dialate their pupils whenever they are angry. Nothing is as intimidating as temporary blindness.

rofl

Your character must use a weapon that matches the kind of character they are. Not their personality, the kind of character in the story. Or better yet, their race.
For instance:
Strong human = sword.
Weak human = dagger or knife.
Elf = bow.
Troll/orc/ogre = club (code for rudimentary chunk of wood). Bonus points for spikes.
Centaur = bow.
Dwarf = battle hammer.

Spears, maces, and spiky fans must be avoided at all costs. Only white people with Japanese names can use Katanas or nunchucks.

[~Rue.The.Day~]

Araia.Naishi

~Rue.The.Day~

Change your characters eye color as often as possible. In fact, give them the power to dialate their pupils whenever they are angry. Nothing is as intimidating as temporary blindness.

rofl

Your character must use a weapon that matches the kind of character they are. Not their personality, the kind of character in the story. Or better yet, their race.
For instance:
Strong human = sword.
Weak human = dagger or knife.
Elf = bow.
Troll/orc/ogre = club (code for rudimentary chunk of wood). Bonus points for spikes.
Centaur = bow.
Dwarf = battle hammer.

Spears, maces, and spiky fans must be avoided at all costs. Only white people with Japanese names can use Katanas or nunchucks.

Everyone knows that Japan of the Middle Ages is EXACTLY like Inu-Yasha. No questions asked. Employ this knowledge as you write your story. Also remember that the only Japanese people to exist back then were samurai and ninjas.

Every villian's name must be equivalent with the word "Dark." Names like Sephiroth Blackheart are cool; names like Mary Johnson are not.

If the main character is a 15-year-old, then the villian is at least 30. By no means could a child ever be evil.

Nekos are cool. Use them EVERYWHERE.

[Araia.Naishi]

And remember, the main character must -always- be kind and thoughtful and compassionate, even if they have a tortured past or are about to be killed by the villain. No way could a main character ever, like, trip someone in the hallway or refuse to save the villain from falling off a cliff into a raging waterfall.

[Minion Ripley]

(I'm back with more!)

Camping is always oh-so-cool to do. Forget the facts that there are bugs (such as those wonderful mosquitoes), even the slightest breeze makes the campfire smoke unpredictable and bound to hit you in the face, it's not at all easy to make a campfire that won't go out instantly, relieving yourself without any toiletry luxuries (such as toilet paper) will be one of the worst experiences ever if you're not used to it, and, even with a sleeping bag, it's going to feel like hell lying down on dirt and rocks for eight hours straight. It's still awesome and totally fun to do, so your characters should always bypass any affordable motel to instead sleep outside so they can "save money".

Kids are always a good excuse to continue a story. Who cares if the world has been saved a hundred times over and every single atom on the planet is happy with its existence at last? Everyone wants to read about your characters' children, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Family relations suck more than 90% of the time. Unless a sibling is in the good group or their worst enemy, there should not be one. As for parents, they should only be cast as major characters if they were abusive to another main character, and then it should only be as villains. Grandparents are only there to tell important tales that will be heavily relied upon later in the story and to pass on strange accessories that hold great power. There is no such thing as aunts, uncles, and cousins, so you can forget about them.

Japanese names of any sort is HOT. This is not only names for characters, but names for places and cool objects. Why call a town something so boring as "Jeffersons Town" when you can call it something as cool as "Aoiki"? C'mon, it's Japanese - everyone will love it, even if you mess up completely!

Speaking of using foreign languages... If your character is at all foreign, they can use foreign words as much they want, even if they have not been in that country or heard that language since they were two. French and Japanese are recommended. Heck, go ahead and combine them together, even if their sentence structure is not at all similar. Everyone will love you even more! After all, plain, easy-to-understand English is so yesterday.

Language barriers do not exist. Everyone speaks the same language, or at least knows the "main" language enough to speak it well. And, if you must show off your 1337 skills with another language, all of your characters will understand what he/she is saying without a problem.

Hidden powers need not be explained. They just are, simple as that.

The only functional relationships out there are with villains. All good couples must cheat, have mass amounts of sexual tension, and more than their fair share of arguments. No one wants to hear about a nice, working relationship!

Sex is cool to write. It makes you, like, the Master Writer! Anatomy is not important to consider; your character can have an orgasm just by someone holding his/her hand if you want. Also, believe it or not, STDs and unwanted pregnancies do not exist in the writing world. Rape is always pleasurable as well, and it is always an attractive person of the desired sex who does it. That goes for kidnappings, too. There is never any psychological distress either unless you need an angst scene.

[Khalista]

If you haven't ever had sex yourself, write even more sex scenes so no one suspects. After all, it's not like anyone's going to notice if you just copy the best ones from your favorite book/fanfic/whatever, right?

[Storeage]

-While your "Chosen One" is on his/her journey, there will ALWAYS be streams/lakes/bodies of water EXACTLY one day's journey apart, no matter what the conditions are, or there will be a stream that connects the start and end of your "Chosen One's" journey, for the gods hath chosen him/her, and the gods knew at the creation of the world, every single step your "Chosen one" was destined to take.

-While traveling in a desert, there will ALWAYS be an osasis, just as your characters/camel/mounts start to get thirsty and/or dirty. Because, you know, no one (and no mount) ever died of something like THIRST. That's just WAY too ordinary.

[Gemini the Spy]

The world is always safe once the main villian who had already managed to take over the world is dead. He didn't have an entire army, it was just him, and after he's dead then there's no one else to deal with. Better yet! Make his entire group/army/whatever fall dead the second he dies.

If you're making too many angsty, fighting, gorey, and anything like that scenes, then throw a suicide attempt in there. Everyone'll love it!

Villians are not allowed to follow the rules or have any code of honor. They have to be completely evil without even the tiniest thought of kindness. Realistic? who cares about that? it just makes everybody love you hero/ion more right?

All dragons immediately know how to breathe fire and fly from birth. They need absolutely no training or time whatsoever.

[Storeage]

-You MUST follow the mythical creature stereotypes (Dragons are old and wise, and more than happy to guide your hero(ine), or they will breathe fire at ANYTHING that moves, no questions asked; unicorns are fair, and pretty, and would never hurt a fly, and love all maidens (but don't quite like men as much), etc)

[Ryu_chan]

Kraeela

* Hero/ines always have to be half elf, half kitune, half drow, half unicorn, half vampire, half in/succubi, half whatever....

And of course the more species your character manages to be half of, the better. It's so much more interesting that way. Who cares about percentages, anyway? And the more angst, the better. Readers love this, and will avoid your story like the plague without it.

[Adonis Moon]

I don't know if anybody posted this already, snice there's so many pages I haven't gone though. but here goes.

When writing love scenes, don't try to be realstic and research the stuff if you haven't the slighiest idea how a certain couple makes love...

I totally love it with stories that has gay people in it, that doesn't even have realstic love scenes!

There is no need for silly things like lube, foreplay and getting into the mood. if one of your characters is horny, the person the character is attracted to sexually, will instantly sense it right away! what's more, the person will instantly know what he wants, and they will procceed to have intercourse right away!

don't even think about writing in the part where they tear off thier clothes, they will simply be insantly naked just by thinking about it.....thier power of love and lust is just that great!

and the readers totally love descrptions like: "He impaled her on his purple-headed rod of love, and she shook violently as she...."
What's more, they also love it when they become so totally sappy and say all sorts of cheesy stuff all of a sudden. even though they were supposed to be in the middle of intsense lovemaking where they were so totally into it that they couldn't even form a compete sentence.

And if both of them are true loves, they will simply be in sexual escasty just because of that one simple fact!




Sorry if my post seemed a little perverted... I was just reading something of a simlar nature a moment ago and just had to post in here.

[Storeage]

((Eh, the sex one was going to show up eventually.))

Speaking of which:

-Sex will only hurt the female if she is a virgin. Whoever heard of a couple that weren't built for each other?