Muna's Journal

[Siyaahi]

54. Healing Process

img

I couldn't sleep again, but this time it wasn't so bad. Ari was awake, and I just told her that I was leaving before I went out. She was like 'ok, whatever, don't be an idiot' and stuff like that. She's instilled a few more rules in place than usual, and I MAY have been intentionally pushing her limits (and paying dearly for it, because holy hell Ari can lecture) but in general everyone has been doing pretty good with them. The only two she seems to really yank her hair out over is Gil and Scarlett.

They usually stop by in Ekat a lot, apparently, and I always see her stiffening over her phone. I guess they get up to some pretty dangerous stuff. I usually just leave out a lot of details when I'm getting grilled by her.

But, yeah. I don't know if she trusted me or if she knew that Shanta and End were going to end up meeting up with me anyways. I have a feeling it's the second, because it feels like nobody really trusts me when I go off alone places. Like, I have Bijan. Come on.

Anyways, it was...an actually okay night. I mostly spent time with End. I ran into everybody at the usual spot, except we stood in this weird distant triangle thing. For some reason it made me a little sad to see it like that, so I went over to End and took his hand and dragged him over to Shanta so we were standing closer together.

Anyways, we all kind of questioned eachother on why we were there. We talked for a bit, then we went off to go see Merchant, because I usually see him during this time of night sometimes. But when we went to go see him, Marianne was there. And he looked REALLY tired, and both of them were arguing.

And I mean, I've been around both of them enough that I've heard my fair share of dumb arguments. But not at 2AM. Marianne seemed genuinely frustrated, too, which was kind of weird, because I've never ever seen her get mad ever. We watched them argue for a bit (and I once again wondered what they were to eachother) before Mari sighed and stormed off and told Merchant to find his horse himself.

Which again, was kind of weird. Why was she up at 2AM anyways? I don't know, but she left in kind of a hurry.

Anyways, we decided to help Merchant find his horse, because it's not like we had anything better to do. Bijan instigated it, mostly because I sort of mind-vibe instigated him to. We all decided to go, except Shanta flew off to go check out things from the sky. Which is Shanta-speak for 'I need alone time and I am using this as an excuse'.

I guess I was sort of happy about it, because it had been a LONG time before I had been with End. I mean...I had been with him, but I mean like, BE WITH, you know?

Anyways, I figured it was the perfect time to try a new method of getting the upper hand over End. I figured that if I could out-say cheesy things, I would become impervious to the things he says, thus making me invincible. I was pretty smooth about it too. Like, I started walking off from the other two, but then I stopped and went back and grabbed End's hand and was like 'I forgot this.'

End was like '...oh...' (dots included) and Merchant just gave me this dirty look and Bijan was just. Apathetic. I wonder if it's because Bijan has to say it that everything I said lost it's charm? Bijan's voice IS kind of gritty, and he does sound annoyed all the time. Plus it's really deep. My voice isn't that deep.

Well, the last time I heard my own voice was when I was eight, so it might have changed. I hope it's not really soft like it used to be. Even when I was a kid I spoke kind of quietly. So I guess I was in a good position to become mute.

Anyways, Merchant lead us to this big green field thing. But when we got too close, this weird...invisible barrier smacked Merchant RIGHT in the face. When me and End went through we were fine, though, and apparently we just had to give Merchant permission to go in.

I was kind of thinking of leaving him there though. When he smacked into the barrier, it kind of reminded me of a mime, you know? I was wondering how it would look if I was on the other side and he tried to get in, but I didn't mention it.

Anyways, apparently it was a magic exclusive area. I started to continue the whole cheese thing with End, but he started playing too? Then he mentioned something about me having a fever and I was like oh he means my red face. But then Merchant was like 'he doesn't have a fever' and End was like 'oh.....well he looks hot to me....' (with those dots included) and I LOST. I LOST, OK.

I SWEAR HE WAS DOING IT ON PURPOSE. OH MY GOSH. Merchant was like haha oh you broke him and I was like no I still have an ace up my sleeve, right? But I was too embarrassed to do it in front of Merchant so I pointed him in the direction I heard his horse and he went SPEEDING off.

So then I leaned up and kissed End's nose. And I really thought it was going to do something, you know? Because I realized his shoulders shove up like that. But it didn't seem to do anything. So I admit that I thought it was a little unfair that I was the only one who got nervous, and he apologized, and then I was like haha wait this is End I'm complaining to. So I just told him I loved him.

Then Merchant came back all dramatic riding bareback on his horse. I've only rode a camel before. They're pretty cool, I guess, but I've always wanted to try riding a horse. He looked surprisingly cool up there. Anyways Merchant left (after some people apparently spotted him and were like MUNDANEEEE because we were in a magic exclusive sphere of influence) me and End decided to go find Shanta.

I walked in front of him for a bit because I'm a petty kid who wants to feel like they're the responsible leader, but then I realized that we were alone. So I turned right around and asked him to crouch again and then we kissed and yeah it was nice. End did that cute giggle thing because he apparently feels like murdering me every time I do it. I guess I DID break my own promise of not pushing it. I always seem to do that.

Bijan had to fly up this really tall tree to fetch Shanta. This...weird filter came over me again, like I was hearing and looking at things through cloudy glass. I could see End, sort of, and I could sort of hear him, but it was ridiculously hard to respond. Then Bijan came back, and there was more explanation on things, and then we went back to Lucian and made a pillow fort.

Then we dog piled in it. Then for the first time in the past week, I slept without dreaming about Firuz or Darius or whoever.

And I didn't feel guilty about anything I did or didn't do.

...Only a few more days left.


✕✕✕✕✕

[Siyaahi]

55. Spring Festival Pt 1

I'm here.

The airplane ride was really eventful. I got us into first class, but End really freaked out. He had to get a ton of vomit bags, and even other passengers gave him theirs, and our flight attendant gave him some too. She made eyes at him a little, I think. It was kind of annoying but I'm trying not to be a jealous loser all the time so I tried not to act too salty.

When we got to the airport, I gave End a waterbottle and we went to go find Ara and Pari. But we still had to find Shanta, too so I sort of mentioned her to Pari and Ara. Pari was...a lot more excitable than usual. And Ara seemed a little shy at first.

We saw this guy standing by himself looking nervous, so we went over to him because I had a feeling, and would you have it, it was this guy named Hari. Who was apparently from Shanta's village.

Apparently Shanta was stuck in a hotel room without her feather, and she had apparently intended the letter for us? Because Hari knew our name somehow. He had an address, too, so we all went to get Pari and Ara's van.

It was super colorful. When I was little, the times our family went to the spring festival, we always went in one of the ornate vans. Pari loved them. It was kind of nice to see that she got her hands on one, if only to drive around during the Spring Festival. Our tribe was pretty old fashioned.

It's a good thing the council has to stay back with the rest of the tribe. I don't think my mom and dad would have been able to go out otherwise. The rest of the family seems to know that she wasn't really disowned, but I think that's as far as the truth goes for them.

Anyways. Pari drove us over there. I sat with End, which both of them kind of looked at me for, but they didn't say anything. I think Ara picked up on the fact that we were dating really fast. Pari and Ara talked mostly to Hari about things. About Shanta, his rank, stuff like that.

End seemed kind of nervous about doing stuff wrong. We talked a little bit because I just wanted to tell my family that we were dating, but I was a little worried they might be super all over End and stuff. I didn't want him to get in trouble or anything, so I told him it was fine if he didn't want to, but he said that if I wanted to do it then he did too. It was really sweet of him.

Ara looked back at us like once, I think, but I didn't really notice and I didn't really want to move away. I think she was a teeny bit disapproving though.

Then we went to this big hotel. Pari and Ara stayed inside, so we got to go with Hari. Bijan said he was like End, but I didn't think so at all. Still, he was scared of elevators among other things, which was really cute.

So we went up the stairs. And we all held hands, because I thought it would make everyone relax a bit. Then it turned out Hari had muscles, and he let me hug him. It was pretty nice. Muscular hugs are really nice.

Somehow, I like End's hugs the most though, even though he's not that muscular. It's just...nice. Yeah.

Anyways Hari let me ride piggy back on his back, which was cool because he's a lot taller than me. Then we got to Shanta's room, where Bijan insisted that we were going to take her back. Hari seemed to go quiet for a moment before he let me down, which I was a little pouty about because why.

We met her mom again, and we went inside to visit her. We told her End had changed his appearance and we knew where she was by 'intuition'. I asked her some questions and acted cool and casual until Hari and her mom left, and then it was like QUICK SHANTA WHERE'S YOUR STUFF WE'RE KIDNAPPING YOU.

I found her feather amongst all this potion stuff that her mother owned, and gave it to her. Then End wrote this really cute apology note that basically just said 'Sorry...' (dots included. End likes writing dots. He's so precious I love him.)

Then I signed my (real) last name on it, which I guess was kind of risky? She mentioned as much. And yeah, I guess it was, but I'm pretty much all about risks. Firuz used to always preach me about not being able to accomplish your goals if you don't risk something.

Anyways, Shanta went out through the window and me/End had to go the elevator. But I was REALLY WORRIED that Hari and Daeva would spot us and try to go over to question us or something. So I. Kissed End.

They walked past us, which was good, and End did that dorky giggle thing, which was even better, because he apparently feels like making me die of a heart attack every time we ok I cant write it down because my face is getting red THIS IS STUPID.

ANYWAYS. We went down, Shanta got to meet Pari and Ara, and I sat with End again. Ara and Shanta didn't really hit it off exactly well, but I didn't really expect them to. Ara is kind of serious, and Shanta is...not.

We rode all the way there, and Ara did the whole dump water all over self and open barrier trick. Shanta and End were really impressed, it was kind of cute. I was kind of proud of Ara. I'm glad she improved so much. She used to be really insecure as a kid, especially because she had to work even harder than Darius even though she wasn't allowed to be the head of the entire family, and she didn't have the same natural charm Pari did.

Anyways, we went inside and went all the way to the Palace. ....Along the way Darius came on board. He tried to talk to me at first, but I ignored him, and just stared out the window while he acquainted himself with Shanta and End. He seemed really upset. It's not like I hate him, though, I just....hate him. A lot.

A lot.

We stopped at the palace. Grandma was out there with a smart phone? Apparently Pari gifted it to her. I saw mom come out of the garden with dad in tow, so I got off the bus first and went to go talk to her. It was nice to see her again. She looked happy, too.

Then she met End and Shanta. She was basically herself, aka a total charmer. End was established as my boyfriend. Nothing bad happened, because my mom doesn't care about stuff like who I date. Ara wasn't surprised because she had picked it up earlier, Pari was like 'oh so thats what you were being vague about', and I was pretending not to notice that Darius existed so I'm not going to write about his reaction.

...But he led Shanta to the bathroom when we got inside, and me/End got lead to the smaller receiving room that my grandparents were in. We had to walk down lots of halls, and Ara talked a lot about the history (which I already know about because when we were little she used to talk about it to me to get it memorized herself, though I guess she thought I was never listening since I never responded back or asked her questions) but I spent most of the time reassuring End about stuff. He seemed really terrified about messing up things.

It was cute.

We waited at the door for Shanta and Darius to come back. I could hear Gram's cell ringing from inside. We went inside, and they both pretended to act all cool, before Grandma just gave up. Shanta told her how to turn off the phone, and Grandma instantly took a liking to the both of them.

Ara, Pari and Darius stood up against the walls while me, Shanta and End sat on the sofas. I think they weren't really sure what to make of Shanta and End. Then we...talked for a bit. About what was going to happen to me and stuff.

Then I left with Grampa and Darius to the fifth floor. Darius opened up part of the wall with a rune, and we went up a long flight of stairs to a hidden room. There was a large bed, which I am now in, a small table in a corner near the door, and it was all nicely furnished. I opened up the window because there was a lot of stale air in there and I figured Bijan would appreciate it.

Inside, Grampa put me to sleep with a spell and Darius watched. I woke up halfway because it felt like...like something from me was spreading out all over the room. I panicked, because I thought that maybe the curse was going to swallow everything in the room whole, and I tried to move to get up but Bijan's voice in my head stopped me.

He told me that everything was fine, and that Grampa was just spreading out the curse so he could read it and mess with the wording properly. I guess...he intended to alter it so it would break itself without killing me. I guess that's what he had meant when he told Shanta and End that it was probably better that some of the locks had broken. Because after he messed with the wording, all he had to do was take off the locks to prevent the curse from breaking itself.

Bijan told me that I didn't have to worry about anything, and that I should just take the time to rest. So...I did.

When I woke up again, Grampa wasn't in the room, but Darius was. And he tried to talk to me. But...the last time I was in a room with Darius, I was on the verge of ramming my scimitar into his stomach.

I was scared. Terrified. I didn't want to feel like that again, I didn't want him to touch me because I knew the curse would grow on him, I didn't want to summon my scimitar (I had my marble and Bijan's marbles in my pockets still) and really...really do it. Do the same thing I did to Vivian. I didn't want to.

I didn't want him near me at all.

He was trying to talk to me, but I wasn't listening to what he said. All I could do was be scared, and Bijan flew out in front of Darius' face and demanded him to stay back. The way he's always done. But Darius didn't listen.

So Bijan bit him. And since he's a red fairy, his venom is more potent than an orange or brown's. And from the way Darius screamed, I knew it hurt. He rushed out of the room to go get something to patch it up, and when he left I realized the room was quiet and it was dark.

The only thing I could see was Bijan glowing and a lamp at the table. Bijan didn't face me, but he apologized. He told me that he couldn't not hate Darius. Not after what Darius had done to him. He told me that despite that he was sorry he had made it so me and Darius couldn't be how we used to be.

And...I guess he was right. Maybe without his influence, I wouldn't have grown up so bitter before I came to Merlin. But if it meant not having him, then I would never forgo going through those years. Even if I was alone, I've always had him. It's not like any of this stuff bothers me more than it has to. Maybe it's his influence, but...I'm not too sad about not being able to repair things with Darius. It hurts, but I don't care.

It'll be fine, because I have Bijan.

Still, I wish I could be sleeping with Shanta and End right now. I wonder what they're dreaming about. (I wonder if they're even asleep.) Bijan has gone to sleep in the crook of my neck. He doesn't do it often. I guess he was feeling kind of guilty.

I feel guilty a lot, too, even though I don't really know why. I think it's because I dreamed of when I told everyone I liked fairy wings. I was dead set on collecting Bijan's color and...his friend Parnia's. I don't know what happened to my old collection. I don't really want to.

I lost interest in them, I guess. The day Firuz showed me how to injure somebody without really hurting them, he told me...stuff. About life. He said it all in a pretty poor way, but the message got across, and I guess after that I just couldn't bring myself to even think about taking them anymore. It just...didn't feel right, I guess.

As a kid all I learned about fairies was bad stuff, because they stole from us and when in a huge force they even killed a few of us. Pari, Ara and Darius ever only encouraged me to collect their wings. I never had to cut off the wings myself, either, I just got the pretty end result.

But...revenge is really tasteless. I see that now.

I don't see much, actually. The room is really dark and my lumos is flickering because I'm tired. I don't think I'll be able to write an entry tomorrow, but maybe I'll be healthy enough to write one the day after.

So this is goodnight, I guess.


✕✕✕✕✕

[Siyaahi]

1. The Response You Didn't Let Me Give

▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄

THIS SHOULD BE IT'S OWN LINE. DO NOT DELETE, YOU PIECE OF s**t
Maybe it's just a part of growing up, learning how to leave and be left.

I don't want to worry anybody. I don't want to make a big deal out of it because I know you wouldn't want me to. I can, at least do this.

I don't know if anything is ever going to be alright, for me or End or Shanta or anyone. Maybe it won't be. Maybe it will. But maybe it won't.

That's okay, though. I think.

And I guess when I'm older I'll think myself stupid for doing this. But I don't know what things are going to be like in the future. I know what I want now. And what I want now is to talk to you again.

So.

Dear Bijan,

You're welcome.

- Muna

[Siyaahi]

2. Dear Bijan, I guess I'll recap the Festival

▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄

THIS SHOULD BE IT'S OWN LINE. DO NOT DELETE, YOU PIECE OF s**t
The second day of the spring festival, I couldn't feel or respond to anything. I could FEEL it when Firuz broke away from the curse, and I was glad for him.

Anyways, I spent most of the day asleep. A lot of my skin hurt because I could feel the throbbing of the curse inside of me. Darius tried talking to me but I couldn't respond and you just ignored him. He brought tissues, for some reason.

I wonder if he cried. I don't remember. I couldn't see a lot of shapes, and you didn't relay to me what he was saying.

The third day was pretty much the same, except you told me Shanta and End visited. They took my necklace for some reason, and they stayed for a little bit before leaving again. You told me 'goodbye' before leaving with my mom, who was there too, I think.

Then I was alone. And I couldn't think, but I could remember, so I did that. I remembered, and I thought about how lucky I was, that I had managed to make mistakes just like everyone else but still not have to suffer the consequences.

When I woke up Shanta was crying, and Grampa wasn't looking at me, and End was apologizing. I thought that the lack of a presence in my head was weird, but I figured it was natural, and I asked where you were. Then Shanta started crying harder, and she gave me your body.

I thought, 'oh, I guess this is my punishment.'

But Shanta and End were crying, and they looked so terrible for your sake, and I couldn't bring myself to cry. I was sadder than anything, but I couldn't cry. I got out of bed, and I gave them tissues, and I went down to bury your body after mom came in to tell us what your last words were. You told me thank you, and you told them sorry, and you gave me your wings.

I don't remember much of it. I was tired, and I felt weak, and I was sad. But I do remember knowing what to do for once. I just...I couldn't do it without Shanta and End there.

So I went into the Garden and I cut off your wings, and then I buried you.

Then I cried.

Just the way you told me to do it; Get stuff done, then freak out later. And when I pat all the dirt down and I looked down to see your wings on my leg, I thought that things were really not going to be the same. Then everything just...came out. At once.

I held onto Shanta, and End curled up into a ball, and we stayed like that for a long time. And after cleaning ourselves back up and trying to lighten the mood, I grabbed all my stuff and went to their room. Everyone was asleep, so there was nobody to protest.

I couldn't sleep for long, because I had already done so much of it. So when I woke up, the sun wasn't up. Shanta and End were still asleep, though.

I was thinking that I was really glad to have them.

I just...explored the house, mostly. I remembered where everything was pretty well, though I did get lost once or twice. I spent a lot of time reflecting, I guess. I think. I think there is a lot of tension still left to deal with.

I don't know if I'm going to ever be able to have a relationship with my cousins like it used to be.

Anyways, I went into the garden, and eventually met up with Mom and Dad. Mom taught me and Dad how to make flower crowns. After a while I could hear everyone inside start eating and gathering and stuff, and thinking that I couldn't ever talk to them again made me feel kind of lonely.

But Shanta and End came out with my favorite breakfast food, so I ate, and we talked for a bit. Then I went with them, this new lizard that they got named Chipkali, and Nina, who Mom talked to and cheered up a little bit.

Then we traveled around for a while. We met with Ara and Pari while they were training up, Pari who apparently is trying to get married to Hari thanks to Shanta accidentally making some comment or another. Me and End talked for a bit, too.

Apparently he thought I liked Hari more than him? Because I greeted Hari by like, jumping into his arms, because I knew he would catch me, and it was really fun. But End was sad about it, which I didn't notice until Nina told me. I brought it up when I sort of realized it and End said that Hari was really powerful and that I should just be happy, but like, I don't need a powerful person? So I told him as much. And...I told him that I loved him. And he said that I shouldn't say stuff like that, because it apparently sounded good in my voice, and just....gosh. GOSH!!!! GOSH.

I really like saying his and Shanta's names.

Thank you.

After that, I wanted to get a snack. But Aafia and Luay, who I didn't quite recognize (I don't know how they recongized ME) kidnapped me and took me away. We all sort of sat around in this unoccupied hut and Firuz brought three plates of chicken kebabs and a scimitar.

Then Luay started crying as soon as I reached for a chicken kebab, and Aafia made me explain about the whole betrayal thing, and Firuz was....

...Not what I remembered him to be.

I don't know if it was just because I saw him as some cool shiny ideal when I was a kid, but when I saw him again, he seemed kind of...selfish? And I know that long ago he only rescued me because I reminded him of his little brother, and I guess I didn't mind then? But for some reason, thinking that I had spent so much time attached to him when he was always the selfish type, made me feel not so attached.

I guess especially after what you did, I couldn't bring myself to be happy to see him again. He ruffled my hair and it DID feel nice, and I mean I could tell that the eight years had really...made him kind of. Sad.

Then they all joked around about re-kidnapping me, and I guess I was supposed to laugh, but I didn't really think it was all that funny.

Naturally, End and Shanta and Ara and Nina? Had ended up following after me. I could tell Firuz's attitude was apparently really irritating Shanta. I ended up exchanging numbers with Luay, though. I think that we could still be able to talk. I WANT to still talk to them. It's probably just what happens after you meet with somebody who got locked in jail for eight years because of you. And Firuz DID try really hard to be friendly and make me feel comfortable with everyone again, and he DID seem to accept the idea of me not wanting to go back with them more than Aafia or Luay did.

So...They know I'm not dead. And I can talk to them again. Which I guess I will. And I guess I am pretty happy about. Honestly out of anyone I mostly want to talk to Luay again. I wasn't very close to them when I was a kid, but...I feel like I could relate to them a lot. Aafia was like a mother to me, but she was one who didn't really respect many of my choices, so I think I'll grow up a little before I talk to her. And Firuz...I don't know what's going to happen to him.

But whatever does happen with those three, it's my business, and I won't bring anyone else into it.

We went back to the palace and got ready after a while. We changed in the same room because hey, that's the kind of thing that happens when you've technically already seen each-other in underwear and don't particularly care.

It was already starting by the time we flew over. We spotted this guy that me and Shanta thought might be End's dad? He was hanging out with this noble elf, but he didn't seem to give any sign away that he might be End's dad. And the fact he didn't even look at us made me kind of angry.

So I hugged End, really tight, and after a while Shanta joined in, and we just reassured him and stuff. He was really confused at first on why we kept telling him we loved him, but then we told him about the dad thing and he was like 'oh, well it doesn't matter anyways'. And Shanta was like yeah, family isn't connected by blood, its the people you're most comfortable with.

Though I'm pretty sure she was saying that to piss off Ara, who could hear us.

My relationship with them has always been kind of doused with a lot of unexpressed feelings, but I'm glad they're not all...against everything I do, I guess. I think Dad wants me to join the same organization as him, but I don't know. I don't really know what I want to do at all, Bijan.

Anyways, we met with Shanta's dad, and there was some serious talk about Priya invoking 'The Eye'. Which I went over to Hari to ask about, and apparently it's to solve intertribal stuff peacefully. Basically the tribe that was wronged is given something of equal value back from the tribe who wronged them.

And Shanta said everything was going to be ok, but we all knew it wasn't. But...there was nothing else to do about it. We decided to leave tomorrow, and when we got back we just crashed into bed all together.

That morning, we packed up all our stuff. Shanta had to talk to Darius, and me and End followed after her because that's kind of the thing that we just do. She wanted to...punch him, apparently. But he looked really tired. And she couldn't do it.

And she couldn't do it because he wasn't the only one at fault, and while anyone could twist it to make it seem like Darius ha the worst part in it, that...isn't all there is to it. So she sort of smushed her fist into his cheek. And after a meaningful conversation, we all went out.

...To have to deal with Priya. Me and End hid and watched, while Priya tried to figure out what to do with Shanta and stuff since she invoked the eye. But she started going for Shashi with this sword with acid glowing around it, and Shanta's cry was so desperate, and I just thought wait a ******** second.

So without really thinking, I just went for it. I've always made my improb like rubber, but recently I've been trying to make them more glass like. So I did that recently because I thought it would resist Priya's sword more. And it did! Which was pretty cool, because usually sharp points break bubbles like that.

And she was like blah blah it isn't any of your business and Shanta was like 'the carpet isn't mine', and then I realized what she was going for and immediately jumped onto THAT train. So I was like yeah excuse you it's my mom so it IS my business you chalky lipstick wearing b***h and shanta's face was like 'OH MY GOOODD' and internally I was like 'I have been WAITING to tear into this girl & her shitty taste in lip apparel' and End was just End.

And ok, so it was a little petty, but whatever. Priya couldn't do anything about it. We went to the van where Ara and Pari were. Shanta bought her carpet off of mom for a high five, and then we all went to the airport and stuff. Shanta got a ticket bought, and so we rode on the plane together. It was alright. End threw up one less time than usual, Shanta complained about the wheels on the plane, I listened to the poor array of rap music the plane had and tried to convince Shanta to become millionares with me. She said being a battle nurse would be easier.

Eh. I'll just get super super rich myself. I have my ways, Bijan.

We're getting off the plane now, so I'll write to you what happens later.

I hope you're doing okay.

- Your friend, Muna

[Siyaahi]

3. Dear Bijan, we came home safe

▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄

THIS SHOULD BE IT'S OWN LINE. DO NOT DELETE, YOU PIECE OF s**t
img

Well, I'm pretty sure you know just what 'safe' stands for. Which basically means none of us got injured. Which is pretty good, you know?

Anyways, I'll just get to the point. Vivian was there.

In the beginning we went to go visit Merchant, who I asked about preserving your wings. I think the conversation made everyone a little uncomfortable, but whatever.

Mom was there when we went to go see him, though. Merchant was trying to hit on her, which I could tell she found ******** hilarious, since she's like in her forties. Elf perks, I guess. Anyways Merchant was trying to tell my mom that he cleaned the RV (he had one along with the cart, lmao) everyday and how rich he was. Mom was like 'cool'. She did the whole smile thing and I could feel Merchant screaming.

So like before he came up, I went 'hi mom' while Merchant was trying to convince her to go to the back room. And then it was like haha, surprise, and Merchant got the MOST guilty look on his face. I could tell mom found it really funny though.

He threatened to dock my pay in front of her, though, which made her kind of upset. She significantly terrified him, though, so that didn't happen.

There was...explaining. Of you. And other things, like what to do about your wings. We talked about other stuff, nothing I really remember so it probably isn't all that important? There was mention of Vivian being around, though, and mom left to go back to the hotel. I inherited my dad's sense of direction, but mom is really good with finding her way around.

Also, Marianne appeared like right after? And she had these black dragon scales.

It was kinda freaky, hearing that she helped sedate the Black Dragon. Made me wonder if anything had gone different if she hadn't been so busy protecting Merchant and overexerted herself.

But I guess that's kind of rude to think about? I don't know if she would have done anything anyways, since her job could have been at stake. Now that I think about it, I've never really seen just how like, GOOD she is. I guess if you work in a super secret organization you have to be, but she seems to have been really careful with the extremity of the magic she used around us.

But that might be just because we only see her when she's off duty. Who knows, I guess. She's kind of a mystery in her own right.

Anyways, I had called her up to charm Merchant's RV, (I dunno what happened to the cart) and so she went to do that. Me, Shanta and End went to go check on End's boss and hand him the flowers that I picked when I had to bury you.

It. Feels really, really weird writing that.

Vivian was there. She was talking to the owner of the shop, who seemed mostly fine. When she turned to look at us, I...couldn't help but hide behind End. It's a habit I really, really wish I could get rid of.

She said...lots of unforgivable things, after asking me about where Bijan was. She was also really, really angry over the fact that I didn't kill her last time. I stayed behind End, though, and she didn't really attack us. At first.

End told me that I didn't have to talk to her if I didn't want to, and I could tell Shanta was getting angry too. And Shanta just started talking to Vivian, but compared to the last times...she seemed more level headed. Despite the fact that Daksha was dead. Despite--a lot of things. I wonder what changed.

Vivian got angry, though, at the fact that nobody was angry at her. I was feeling kind of angry so I mentioned that she could just commit suicide if she really wanted to die. I just...I don't know, I found it kind of stupid.

A part of me thinks that she only asked me to kill her because she knows that I'm the only one who isn't going to do it. Then she acts angry because I don't do it, like I KNOW she doesn't want me to. If she really wanted to die she would have asked somebody else.

That's what I think, Bijan. I don't know.

But we ended up having to run again. We went straight to Merchant's cart, since that just seemed like the best place to be. Anyways, Mari was still there. Somehow she ended up contacting her boss, (who she literally called 'The Boss' so Im just going to abbreviate it to T.B) because Lara apparently was getting herself healed or whatever.

It was kinda weird. Her boss was yelling something about 'MLG', and they didn't really seem very responsible. But Lara appeared almost instantly, so there is that. She also looked...really good. Health wise, anyways. End is the only one who looks really good attractively to me, to be very very honest.

Anyways, as soon as Lara appeared they started arguing. And...fighting. Shanta was multitasking, Mari was yelling at Merchant to do something, and I was just...all I could do was sit there with End. And then he offered to play patty cake with me.

And it helped calm me down. A lot. Outside, Vivian started with the death ring. But Lara put this barrier around Vivian just when she was about to do it, and it..contained it. But when the barrier disappeared, Vivian was pitch black. Her hair was white--like mine. And her skin was dark.

She took Vivian away, assuring Mari that everything was fine, and then we just chilled for a little bit. I had lots of fun with End, as usual, but I'll spare you the details. He and Shanta are really nice about my voice though, which I really appreciate. It's encouraging, I guess.

He's. HE'S REALLY TOO SLY THOUGH. We talked about the language barrier, ok, right? And he was like oh maybe you can teach Farsi and IM NOT GOING TO GIVE THAT OPPORTUNITY UP BIJAN. And then we got on topic of how to repay me for it, right, and I tried to keep quiet but I told him he could do it in kisses, and then he muttered under his breath that he might overpay and I was DYING BIJAN I WAS DYING OKAY HOW COULD HE JUST SAY THAT TO MY DELICATE SENSITIVE HEART

AND I GUESS I WAS REALLY REALLY OBVIOUS BECAUSE MERCHANT WAS LIKE 'I can see him waxing poetry' and OK MAYBE I WAS in MY HEART comparing myself to a victorian maiden but also I WASNT and it was shitty poetry so I'm not writing it down but OH MY GOD CAN YOU BELIEVE HE SAID THAT I CAN'T BELIEVE HE SAID THAT OH MY GOD.

Anyways so we hung out and ate spaghetti and everything was pretty cool.

Merchant went to the store to buy soap? And Mari went along, and Mari had this weird expression on her face and she seemed to be in a lot of despair. I taught End a word in Farsi so we could have an excuse to kiss and promptly smooched him in the nearby alleyway.

We talked about other stuff, too, and I learned what makes End go red. I got a picture. He looked sooooooo cute, but it's sort of a sensitive thing that he gets embarrassed about so I'm not going to go out of my way to make him blush. That would KIND of be an a*****e move, seeing as End isn't a toy for my entertainment. It would take a preeetty rude douchebag to just do that to somebody.

But yeah, I told him that I only really wanted to do super gross stuff like that after I was eighteen. I don't think I'm really mature enough yet for like...super intimate stuff. I mean, I do wanna do it, and only with End, but just not now.

(Also I have a feeling End would feel bad if we did it now. Not gonna lie. Like...not immediately, but sort of that slow sinking guilt that punches you in the face later in time.)

Honestly though, I'm surprised he got all embarrassed and cute and blushy about it when he admitted he wanted to do stuff like that. I'm pretty sure it's because he sees me as a baby or something? I don't think I'm very sexually appealing to anyone except for disgusting old men with leg fetishes.

...Maybe when I'm older I'll invest in really tiny shorts. Or, like, read up on being seductive? It could be useful, I guess.

Ok, enough about that. That's not exactly something you put in a letter, Bijan, but you're never going to read these anyways. Haha.

End is getting a phone! We called Ian up about it, because End apparently wanted to be able to hear my voice really well, and I was just dying. Just

I don't really feel like writing anymore, sorry. But that's the events of the day.

Everything was alright and nobody was hurt.

- Still feeling weird without you, Muna

[Siyaahi]

4. Dear Bijan, I got a tattoo

▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄

THIS SHOULD BE IT'S OWN LINE. DO NOT DELETE, YOU PIECE OF s**t
img

And cried about you, a little.

Well, ok. I cried about you a lot.

I got a tattoo. It's a whole sleeve, and it was done by Xander. (I don't know if you remember him, but he was my first customer, and he's kind of like how I told you Firuz was like. Only kind of though. Xander is really, really gay, and I never asked how Firuz felt about stuff like that because I didn't really care about it as a kid.)

Anyways, it really hurt, but Xander was gonna animate it so the words spun and stuff. He was nagging at me over the phone about keeping proper care of it and putting ointment on and stuff. I was in the courtyard for once, because I was aiming to get Shanta and End so we could go to Lucian dorms.

Cause like...that morning, I saw Tadion. Just like, sitting there. And it was WEIRD. So I kind of booked it out of there and waited until they appeared. They were like wow, a tattoo, and that Yvonne girl & Ian appeared. They started talking about some stuff about money, I guess Yvonne has financial problems? And me/End just sorta listened in.

Oh! End got a phone. A touch phone. It was kinda cute to see him work at it because he works it like an old man. Anyways, I put my number in there and changed my name to 'Boyfriend' and added a ton of cute emojis. Then End put his name in my phone and he did the same thing and gosh it was just the most fun thing ever. I sent him a test text and I think it was like a heart or a smiley face or something? And End literally just sent me 'smiley face' instead of the emoji and GOSH it was the CUTEST thing ever.

He really does take a while to respond though. It's so precious.

Shanta was like 'ugh I need to get a phone' though. Which I can totally set up for her because I know people. Oh--I should tell you, by the way, that I switched phones with Grams over the Festival. I don't know if I mentioned it or not? But yeah, I have a touch phone now, which is cool. The photos it takes are a lot better.

Anyways we went to Lucian for a while to go see Tadion. He was chilling with Gil, and apparently he's fifteen mentally and a mage. WHICH I THEN BEGAN TO REALIZE I KISSED A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD'S EARS. LIKE. GROSS? I FELT REALLY DISGUSTED ABOUT LOTS OF THINGS LIKE A YEAR MY JUNIOR AND HE DIDN'T KNOW AND JUST UGH....

But he was alright? Just kind of weird. Well, really weird. I don't think I would get along with him very well, but I tried acting friendly, especially considering he was just cool with the fact End had stolen his body. I was mostly just glad that he seemed SIGNIFICANTLY less high strung than Gil. He didn't seem to be big on being around other people, though. Which I guess I can understand?

I had a feeling he's not a person I could bring myself to like, though. I'm just glad the whole business with him is over so End doesn't have to feel guilty about him anymore. Otherwise I just don't care.

Anyways we left, and the whole ear thing was mentioned, and I tried to make it clear to End that I was kind of regretful about it and stuff like that. He got all 'hmmm'-y and apparently didn't mind considering I had did it at the time where End could feel it, and I could see Shanta flying off, and yeah okay the conversation ended up with me kissing End's ears because End is really, really good at turning the conversation into things about that. A LOT better than me, Mr. Let-me-just-try-to-kiss-you-out-of-nowhere.

That's a lot of dashes, and a very long false last name. Oh, speaking of last names. Hehehe. I'll get to it later.

Oh, I had to get my marble from Merchant though. He got your wings put into it for me. So we went to Justus to go see the Merchant. Marianne was with him, too, just chilling I guess? Oh! I forgot to mention. Like a day ago I was chillin at Merchant's doing work and stuff and Shanta was there too because come on it just isn't a PARTY if Shanta isn't there.

I mean not that it was a party. But you know.

Anyways she was consoling Marianne on the roof after she got cold stone drunk the night before (the night we came back) which I sort of forgot to mention because yeah. But anyways she was sobbing, and I ended up giving her Xander's number, and she got a date! Which Merchant was REALLY angry about. It was SO FUNNY THOUGH OH MY GOSH I KNOW IT'S TERRIBLE BUT IT WAS HILARIOUS and also I think Merchant was kind of in deserving in it. But so like, I told him Mari found a date, right. And he SLAMS his hand against the wall and goes. "I'm. So. Happy."

IN THIS TONE WHERE YOU COULD TOTALLY TELL HE WAS ABOUT TO PUNCH SOMEBODY IN THE FACE AND IT WAS HILARIOUS? Oh my gosh, I've never seen him so jealous, he totally deserves it.

ANYWAYS Marianne was there talking about her date. And MERCHANT BROKE A GLASS. And he had to go take a call from one of his....'friends', which is a bad habit he apparently found himself going back to some reason, and so Marianne started digging welts into the table.

And while they were being stupid adults who can't communicate properly, End seemed to have noticed that every time your death was brought up (because somehow Ian AND Yvonne knew? And Yvonne was like 'oh I'm sorry' and I didn't really know what to do other than shrug and keep my face blank) that I got kinda stiff, and he basically told me that I didn't have to pretend not to be sad.

And I just...it was the nicest thing to hear. It was really, really, the nicest thing to hear. I, um. I sort of started crying. A lot. I couldn't...couldn't hold it back anymore.

And I don't know, I've always felt like if I get too emotional I'll be a bother to Shanta and End. Honestly I always DO feel like I'm a bother to them and that I don't really deserve to be friends with them because they're such...good people? And I'm not.

But hearing that from End, after I've spent a lot of time growing up trying to hold myself back and stuff because everyone around me was always super sad about stuff was going for a while, I just...Like, I don't know, I've always been in the habit of sort of letting other people feel emotions for me, I guess?

I felt so, so happy when he said that, but I also felt so relieved, and it just felt like I was finally allowed to cry and be upset about things, I guess.

So I cried. A lot. And when I admit that I felt like a bother and a coward and how I didn't deserve to be friends with them Shanta was like 'too bad, you're with us anyways' and they both told me that they were actually...happy when I hid behind them. Because it made them feel like I was allowing them to protect me, after I spent so much time in the beginning of the year being super super annoyed at them for doing stuff like that and running off by myself all the time. Which god, is SUCH an End and Shanta thing to say.

And then Shanta hugged me and End kissed my forehead and honestly, Bijan, I don't think I've ever felt more comforted in my life. It was the first time I felt good since you died. I'm really, really glad I have them beside me, Bijan. Especially now that you're gone, I don't think I'll ever want to leave their sides.

I have NO idea what I'm going to do when I'm a fourth year. But...oh, well I'll just avoid thinking about that.

Anyways after I was a big baby, Merchant came back (he's not good with tears) and handed me my marble. Your wings were in it. When I channeled a short burst of magic with a lot of effort, it created this REALLY strong red lumos. It was really pretty, but I don't want to overuse it unless it's an emergency. Otherwise, I'm going to get better at magic by myself.

Anyways, somehow we got on the topic of marriage. Then legal age, and stuff, and it turned out me and End could get married. But like meanwhile Merchant and Mari started arguing? I snuck past them into the cart and grabbed the candy rings I stashed in there, and then immediately got out of there. They started raising their voices and okay, I was a little curious so I stayed a little bit longer. But then we were like 'kay bye' and went down the street to uh. Get married.

I called mom and dad, of course, and they were pretty much like 'haha ok'. Shanta was our priest. I wasn't sure how serious the other two were taking it, because I was mostly thinking we were just playing around and we'd just end up laughing about it after Shanta said 'you may kiss the bride' because marriages have to be all official and there are like forms, right? There are forms!

And god, all of it sounds SO silly put on paper but at the time it seemed perfectly reasonable to do! Oh gosh. So then Shanta left AND THEN WE KIND OF KISSED YEAH.

And then End did THE THING with his voice where he didn't pause a lot and oh my god I was DYING INSIDE because he was so serious and he was all like 'we're married now' and I was going to actually like scream and I was stuttering. Apparently I can stutter. Oh my god, oh my god. OH MY GOD IM STILL NOT OVER IT OKAY LIKE OH MY GOSH. HE SOUNDED SO NICE OKAY. SO SO NICE.

And ok maybe I was kind of thirsty because I sort of asked for another kiss or whatever and he just like agreed but THE DIFFERENCE WAS that he kissed me instead. Cause you know usually I lean in but he leaned in and yeah. It's different okay. IT'S DIFFERENT.

So yeah, End is now Endymion Nejem.

Hehe.

I kinda wanna just end the letter here on that note because I'm happy, but I kind of can't. Shanta came back, talking about how she had noticed some gangs planning stuff. It turned out we had to drag Merchant out of a bar. He looked gross, and everyone was glaring at him. I'm used to being in the Pub because some customers like meeting in public places like that, but I've never had so many people just...glare. I knew it was always towards Merchant, and something about it seemed really off to me.

Anyways, he was a sad, pitiful mess. It was kind of annoying, because he was just so...self pitying. So I guess I got kind of annoyed at him. And I lectured him a little bit, and in retrospect I think I could have said some better things? But it's too late now, and it's not like he's going to remember anyways.

But we called up Tyler, and met with him. I asked him a question and he kind of answered too loudly, and I'm getting the feeling that End and Shanta don't like him. Shanta, at least, definitely doesn't, which I kind of understand because Tyler has like ABSOLUTELY no filter. But let's just say that End turned really red and Shanta looked like he was about to zap him.

Anyways, he said something pretty weird. I told him that it was kind of cruel for him to be keeping in contact with Merchant like this, but he was really surprised. Apparently Merchant was the one insisting on keeping in contact...? I don't know. I told him about what Merchant was and wasn't allowed to do, and some of them he agreed to and some other things were more dubious.

So he basically toted Merchant off so he'd be safe. I guess I have to talk to Mari later to get a dragon scale back on Merchant's cart. Apparently those gangs Shanta snooped on were planning to converge on the street his cart is on, and I just have a feeling he shouldn't be in town for now.

Tomorrow will be...something, I guess.

- I miss you, but I think maybe I'll be okay with End and Shanta by my side, Muna

[Siyaahi]

5. Dear Bijan, Merchant is a ******** idiot

▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄

THIS SHOULD BE IT'S OWN LINE. DO NOT DELETE, YOU PIECE OF s**t
And today I was very angry at him.

He was also very angry at me, I think, because I had called Tyler up. Pleasantly enough, though, he didn't yell at me. He was just like 'NEVER DO THAT AGAIN.'

Which was alright. But he still was not supposed to be in town cause you know, there were FREAKING GANGS after him. I went inside to see what he was doing and then he just sorta...spilled. He did it on purpose.

The whole rising crime rate and instigating a turf war thing? He did it completely on purpose. I guess it wasn't the usual run of the mill thing for him seeing as he didn't have a dealer, but I...I was a PART of that. I just went along selling s**t and just--

I don't know, the fact that he didn't even mention it, the fact that he intentionally did all of this just to make money? And the way he was acting about it, it all just made me so, so angry.

I rose my voice. And it hurt.

I was about to punch him too to be honest, but then I thought of you and I was like haha ok this is a stupid thing to be doing. Cause you know, you always told me not to act on anger. Not that I'm somebody who gets angry in the first place like EVER, but....just ugh. Just the way he ACTED.

Then Marianne showed up with the scale. Her and Merchant argued for a bit, she was all like too bad for you I'm on duty and Merchant was like yeah I dont care and then in the midst of this Xander's gang and the opposition just sort of started gathering. Also, Marianne had a black eye. Or a bruising cheek. I don't remember, but despite being all distant and you know, ******** STUPID because GOD HE IS LITERALLY THE BIGGEST IDIOT IN THE UNIVERSE AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MARIANNE ACTUALLY LIKES HIM BECAUSE NO WAY WOULD I BE ABLE TO TOLERATE THAT.

Good thing I'm dating End, who is a perfect angel and one hundred percent easier to like.

ANYWAYS Merchant goes outside and he locks us in for some reason. And then he like SPRINT off, all the guys in tow after squinting at the sky for a while? We were trying to figure out how to get out of the cart before Mari literally just punched a hole through the door.

So we were like 'kay' and Mari flew off to do...whatever, I guess. I don't think she likes doing her job in front of bystanders. I guess it's pretty scary stuff.

We decided to go find Merchant. Shanta borrowed End's phone, and me and End tried to find Merchant from the ground. We ended up leaving him behind to go find Shanta, because End's phone was...not working.

We found her with Xander and the gross gang leader. Xander had apparently shocked her with lightning. Xander gave Shanta her wing back, and we were trying to get them away from merchant, but the other gang leader was a smart guy. So I was like you know what, whatever. There was an incredibly easy way of taking that guy out and providing a good distraction.

So I stabbed him.

Which sounds like, REALLY REALLY bad in retrospect, but I did it the way Firuz taught me so that I wouldn't hit any arteries or important organs. I also got kicked in the stomach for my efforts, so I was thrown back with all the wind knocked out of me. Everyone freaked out for a bit over lots of things. Honestly, I felt no regret over stabbing the guy. Pepper spray wouldn't be enough to knock him out, and stabbing really isn't that big of a deal when you deal with the kind of people that Merchant has me deal with. Like, it happens ALL THE TIME.

Just with switch blades instead of scimitars.

Anyways, other than Vivian, and lots and lots of watermelons//other fruits that Firuz had me practice on, it's not like I do it with intent to go after people's organs and stuff. Like yeah, it's bad, I'm a trash bag, let's move on. The point is SOMEBODY was going to pull out a knife and hell if I was going to let it go through either Shanta or End.

Anyways, Xander ran off to go track Merchant down and I got a stomach full of bulky man foot. Which was not fun. At all, you know? I kept a hand on my taser and threatened him to get closer.

Somewhere in the midst of this of course End got REALLY alarmed and he was about to use black magic before Shanta stopped him, thank god. The guy himself didn't actually use any magic, which was kinda weird in retrospect. Maybe he's like Merchant and able to see through the glamor, I don't know.

So I taunted him a LOT, right, telling him that he was going to faint before I did because he was gonna faint of blood loss SOME time and I was also on the ground and unable to get up because my stomach REALLY hurt and I thought I was going to vomit. He wouldn't get any closer, though, because he saw that my hand was hidden, so I to switch tactics ended up having to use your marble.

And it was the weirdest thing, Bijan. I sort of whispered a plea to you and tried to put in a harder burst of magic than I'm used to doing (because the curse has stopped me from using magic past like, the bare minimum) and I cast a bump.

The guy SLAMMED into a wall! He was knocked STRAIGHT OUT. Your...you amplified the magic, I guess, and suddenly everything was okay. I was still left on the ground because I couldn't get up though.

I don't really remember what happened next. I passed out for a while, then I came back to see Xander on the ground fainted and Marianne (who Im assuming knocked Xander out after he found Merchant and toted him there) was grabbing onto Merchant's collar. I gave Shanta and End a bleary warning for some reason and then I couldn't stand talking anymore so I just fainted again.

When I was paying attention again, I was in Marinna/Xander's place and getting healed up. Then I snuggled a lot with End and had dinner at Marinna's place with everybody.

Oh yeah, Tyler appeared in the midst of this because Merchant ended up giving him the drop, and then we told him to get out of town for a while. I told him I would give him a reward if he obeyed, so I called him and told him 'good job'. Me and End were alone in the room at the time cause we were doing things that required a room (aka I kissed him a little bit) because Xander was with Marinna in the kitchen and Shanta left the apartment.

End told me that it was a good reward, and I told him that I could give him better ones, and just as he was saying 'Oh...?' Shanta reappeared so I redirected THAT conversation before I got SUPER EMBARRASSED BECAUSE I WAS TOTALLY GOING TO GO IN FOR ANOTHER SMOOCH HAHAHAHA but Shanta came back in so it was all good.

Apparently Marianne and Merchant got their act together. And started dating. And were being gross in the middle of the street.

Also, Shanta got shocked with electricity via Xander and her competitive spirit awoke in the same manner that End's phone got 100% short circuited, so I'm planning on giving that to Ian later.

Also, Xander finished my tattoo, so now I have a sleeve full of Farsi. It's enchanted, so it rotates. The best part is that nobody has any idea what the hell it says except for me. It definitely costed Merchant a pretty penny, but he was one hundred percent chill with paying it for me.

Rich people.

Though in retrospect Merchant is really good with regulating his money and stuff, so I guess he just genuinely likes me. Which is cool, because I genuinely like him too. Hopefully he knows that. I mean, I would think it's obvious from all the times I've jumped on his back and stuff. Also considering I never complain when he gives me lots of work to do. I just do it. Because I'm chill like that.

Ok, that was kind of a stupid sentence to read, and I'm the one who wrote it. Wow. I don't wanna waste ink scratching it out though, so I'm just gonna leave it there. Whatever, you know. Whatever. Sometimes you just have to accept the crippling reality that your personality is leading you to the abyss of hell.

And...that's basically what happened today, yeah. Things have been going...more alright than I thought they would.

Maybe you knew it was going to be like this, though. Maybe that's why you left like you did.

I don't know. I knew you less better than I thought you did. You don't really realize these things until people leave, I guess.

I know you wouldn't have done it if you hadn't really wanted to, though. And I guess I admire you for that. Even though it's unfair. Even though it's so, so unfair. You knew it was unfair but you did it anyways, when you could have just left after our connection broke.

But you stayed.

- Muna

[Siyaahi]

6. Dear Bijan, Merchant didn't fire me

▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄

THIS SHOULD BE IT'S OWN LINE. DO NOT DELETE, YOU PIECE OF s**t
img

We went to Justus today. Me and Shanta bantered a little, but End was a little upset about it, but at first when I asked he didn't want to talk about it. So, I was going to respect his boundaries, (like you always told me to) and after Shanta stopped zoning out we went to go see Merchant.

Ian was there, fixing his RV wheels to the cart's wheels so Merchant could actually move. Apparently he wasn't going to leave immediately, and after I had fun with saying people's names all funny (I haven't really been able to test out what it's like to have a voice because it's just been making me feel sad, but I think after what happened I think I'll start to do it now. I kinda wanna try tongue twisters.)

Anyways there was a lot of chatter. I went to go see Merchant because I thought he was going to leave immediately and I wanted him to fire me. When I brought it up, though, he frowned and told me that he didn't want to. And I was like OH MY GOSH, my HOMIE SLEAZY MAN IN A CART didnt fire me.

I was so touched.

Ian got it to start working though. He's been...really happy, lately. It turned out his hex was gone! Which was pretty cool. Then for some reason he had to go see the mechanic? And I...don't really remember why, but we ended up tagging along after him.

On the bus, though, Ian and Shanta were talking about Yvonne, that girl who flew in on a chicken? Apparently Ian was confused by how she was acting, and Shanta seemed really done with everything. From the way Ian was describing things, though, it seemed like Yvonne likes him or something.

Also, Shanta reiterated the fact that apparently I was very obvious about my crush on End, which I found totally rude. ...And then the whole thing where End confessed to me and I didn't even realize he was actually like confessing and yeah. Needless to say I was not so gently reminded that I was an idiot and am still an idiot now.

Also, in retrospect, my birthday party was really boring. I was just thinking about that, I don't know.

Anyways. I was sort of REALLY HEAVILY PANICKING because End was definitely acting kinda funny, but I didn't want to push his boundaries. But oh my gosh, I was so worried. Somewhere along the way, I don't remember if he told us at the cart or later when we went to a diner (we just sorta left Ian with the Mechanic) but I'll get to that later.

So like on the bus after telling Ian that Yvonne probably liked him, I talked to End a little who still seemed a little sad. He doesn't really like the mechanic for you know, obvious reasons, and the last time we went he was a little grumpy. Which was kind of cute if I'm being honest. Even though the mechanic is harmless, I think End still thinks he's gross as heck, so. I didn't go out of my way to really talk to the mechanic.

Which actually makes me wonder if End is more possessive than I thought? Like, he seemed like the type of person to just never get jealous ever, and it's not like he makes a point of pushing me to stay away from people and stuff because you know, he's End.

I mean, I guess in retrospect I DID never like...test to see if he got jealous. And honestly I'm not going to, because that's kind of ridiculous. I mean, I'm a LOT less insecure than I used to be, so I don't really feel a need to like 'test' End or whatever and it's just not a decent thing to do? Like it shows a complete lack of faith, first of all. Also I don't need End to get jealous to feel special. I just need him to look at me occasionally and I'll be happy. And maybe say my name. And...kiss me. And...

Ok I'm needy. A lot more needier than I was in the beginning. But at least I'm not, like, messing with End's emotions and stuff in some attempt to make myself feel good. Like ugh, I don't know. Doing that kind of thing just seems so...gross. And unneeded. And kind of a*****e-y.

...I write, as if I've been in a relationship for longer than a year. But I still think I can say that! I can still say that, right Bijan? Oh, I don't know.

Still, if End is more possessive than I thought, I'm...a little happy. Though I really don't think he's more possessive than I am. I'm just straight out terrible. There WAS that thing with Hari, though, where he seemed to think that I was romantically interested in him because he had muscles, or something like that?

I don't know. I don't think End doubts my loyalty, but he really is insecure. I guess should try harder to make a point of cherishing him more. I mean, Shanta is always calling us nerds and me 'obvious' so I would think that End can see it too, but he DID not notice my huge crush on him, so...

...I got off track and started talking about End again. Whoopsie.

Anyways, we basically left Ian to do stuff with the mechanic because they were on good terms and he didn't have his glasses so we weren't bothered by him. We went to go get pizza at a diner, and it was really, really empty. There was like one guy and we ordered food and just chilled and stuff.

It was pretty calm, for once, so I brought up End's dependence on black magic. I know our words haven't gotten through to him before about not using it, and I was kind of wondering if it had to do with the fact that we always approached him really aggressively about it. I don't think End is the type of person who reacts very well when people act rough towards him, even if they mean well.

So...I don't know, I was curious, so I asked him if it was fun. And he said it wasn't really, but he tended to just sort of automatically rely on it. End isn't good at quick thinking, and Shanta acts too rashly, I think. Maybe I'm better at them than something after all.

Huh. Feels nice.

But anyways. I talked to him a little bit, and Shanta added in her own two cents, and End agreed not to like..automatically go for it all the time. I told him that there were other ways we could do things, and sure it might include somebody getting hurt, but the immediate consequences weren't as bad as the long term of End using black magic. And...I think I got through to him? He told us that he'd try not to automatically go to it all the time.

Which I'm. Really, really, relieved about. I feel like having that sort of conversation with him sort of just ensured that he wouldn't do anything stupid once like, stuff went down. I honestly don't care how injured we (mostly I if I'm being totally honest, Bijan) have to get, as long as End doesn't get back into using black magic again.

...I guess that's how you might have felt.

But anyways. It was a good conversation, and we got through to him, and I figure the best way to talk to End about things now is to just do it gently. I'm not really a big yeller//beat sense into somebody person, so I think it's a good thing for me too. I mean, that time when Merchant made me really really mad, I thought I was kind of going overboard. I can't express my anger loudly, I guess. Also, my throat hurt a lot afterwards. So I guess it's not really a good idea, seeing as I'm still not really used to speaking.

Anyways, I ended up getting pretty sleepy. Shanta told me to sleep when we got home, but I was too tired, so I just clung to End instead, and ended up saying something pretty cheesy. 'I'm home' or something like that, I don't remember. Anyways, we had to go back home, and I was on the carpet with Shanta and just whined about End not being there. Eventually he came back, though, which was nice.

Oh! I forgot to mention. On the bus, we got on the topic of powerful and cute people apparently? Ian is powerful for some reason. I was really, really hoping that End wouldn't call Ian cute, and I think End can probably read my mind, because he didn't. He told me that I was both cute and powerful, though. Something like a miracle combo that was impossible or something like that.

Hehe. I was really happy.

I really like getting compliments and attention, but I like it most when End and Shanta does it. Though I think you already know that.

Um...I think that's it. It was an alright day.

I still feel alone without you, but I'll be okay. I know I always end my letters like this, but....I really, really miss you Bijan. I wish I had understood you and why you did all of this for me more. I wish you were still here with me.

Nothing feels right without you.

- Muna

[Siyaahi]

7. Dear Bijan, I couldn't keep part of my promise

▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄

THIS SHOULD BE IT'S OWN LINE. DO NOT DELETE, YOU PIECE OF s**t
img

Firuz said not to kill anyone or hate anyone. In retrospect, the killing thing was reasonable, but the 'not hate anyone' was asking for a little much.

Also, I look really good in these new pants I got.

But to the point.

We went to go visit Georgia and Lucinda today. End was nervous, as expected, so along the way I tried to distract both him and Shanta by practicing tongue twisters. Shanta seemed really entertained, because she kept repeating these ones that I just COULDN'T say. Then she told me to say it in a rhythm, and if there is anything I have it's rhythm. Cause dancing is my thing, you know, even though you never really liked it when I did it cause it brought too much attention to myself.

But when I tried really hard and tapped out a beat on my thigh, I could say them. It was really, really exciting for me. Talking is still really hard so the fact that I could say something so difficult made me kind of happy. I figure tapping out a rhythm will be helpful if I plan on talking without warming up a lot.

We eventually reached Georgia's house, though, so End got nervous again. When we went inside, there they were. Georgia was nice as always. End went over to sit with Lucinda at the kitchen table, and they talked reeeally quietly. Shanta went to go sit at the couch farther away, so I was kind of indecisive about where to sit before I decided that what was going on was really End's business and that if he wanted me to hear it he would let me know. So I sat next to Shanta after much deliberation.

And as always, we just kinda...awkwardly sat there a while. And did that thing where we basically just give eachother looks. Halfway through his whispered conversation with Lucinda, though, End got like, ANGRY. And his face went all stoic and he said 'I won't.' and OH MY GOSH MY HEART SKIPPED A BEAT HIS VOICE WAS SO SMOOTH

AND HE SAID 'NO' TO HER ESSENTIALLY RIGHT AND OH MY GOSH. OK. BIJAN I KNOW IT'S HORRIBLE BUT I FOUND IT SO NICE? Like I guess maybe because he's always really soft and kind and basically just is a super pushover so just seeing that different switch in personality that appears not so often at all was just................

Really, really nice.............

Ok but. Not to say I wasn't worried Bijan. I was SUPER WORRIED because I had a feeling that Lucinda was pushing him about the mirror, which they apparently had fixed. Which we had SPECIFICALLY TOLD END that we wouldn't go back to because it was broken and that we definitely wouldn't step foot into the basement.

Lucinda ended up getting Georgia to bring the mirror downstairs. Apparently they had gotten somebody who works at the museum to help put it back to pieces, but it still wasn't working, so they wanted End to look at it. Which....well, we all know what was going to happen.

End, for some reason after a while, agreed. He had something...nasty planned. Shanta went along with it because she really wanted to sock Faust in the face. I didn't really know whether it was in my place to discourage them, so I didn't. I mean, I was pretty satisfied to just smash the mirror to bits with my scimitar the first time. (Offhand thought, though, I've smashed a LOT of glass with my scimitar. When we went to go rescue Naomi's mom, I had to smash a bunch of glass too.)

Anyways, I felt kinda nervous at how they were acting, but I didn't say anything. I know you would have, Bijan, but I just...couldn't think of what to tell them. Honestly I didn't think it was very right for them to be putting all of their anger onto a fake version of Faust, but...he's wronged End so, so so much.

Anyways, Shanta was a little worried that the mirror Faust would be the same one before after she socked him in the face. He was, but I'll get to that later.

I was a little worried about it too because I thought Faust might come out and suck End's face off again, so I stood near Shanta with her at the ready to cover my eyes.

Georgia brought down the mirror and unveiled it. End faced it and out popped out Faust, looking confused and still on the floor from the last time we saw him and Shanta swung at him.

End approached him first, and he looked kinda confused. Then End said something like 'this is your fault' or something to that extent as Faust stood up, and then...then End kissed him.

It was horrible. It was more horrible than the time Faust kissed him first (though remembering the way End acted back then and his pained expression is horrible, too) and I just didn't know what to do but Shanta's hands immediately slammed over my eyes. Honestly, I felt more upset than I thought I would, and I didn't know what to do, and honestly everything felt really terrible and horrible for a few moments. But then Faust made this weird sound, and when I tugged Shanta's hands off my face she let me.

When I looked again, Faust was on the floor clutching his throat and there was steam coming out of End's mouth. And he was....

It was the first time I ever thought 'End is scary'.

His expression was really, really cold. And then all at once it just broke down, and he just looked absolutely horrified but what he had done. Shanta seemed shocked too. I went over to go see if Faust could talk, but the steam had apparently really injured his throat. Georgia got him some pain killers and after I instructed him how to take it, he sat with Shanta and she tried to talk to him. It didn't really go well I think, but I wasn't really paying attention because I went to go soothe End's nerves.

Then I asked End if it was okay, and I told Faust that we were dating. Faust actually took it pretty well. He didn't freak out or anything, but at the same time it WAS right after End had sort of burned his throat from the inside out. He got some pen and paper and he wrote something down, but only End understood what it said.

Lucinda and Georgia were just kind of confused, which I guess was for the better. Georgia confirmed the whole oh if something goes wrong just smash the mirror thing, and Lucinda was like haha what could go wrong? A lot of things. A loooooot of things.

Later outside, we learned from End that apparently Faust told him that he wasn't the real End or whatever. Shanta was like 'yeah well you're not' and End seemed to just accept it, too, but god, I just, I just got SO angry. Like how dare he say that, Bijan? Like there's a 'real' End and a 'fake' one, just because End wouldn't be shoved around by him anymore?

I felt nasty. Really nasty. I felt like sprinting back in the house and socking him in the face myself, I felt like yelling at him until I couldn't use MY vocal chords, I just felt so, so angry. It's like everything from all the other times we had to deal with him overflowed at once, and the fact that Shanta and End were really calm about the comment he made just made me seethe.

And okay, maybe it's because I just have a personal thing when it comes to things like people whose opinions of others change by how much that person is useful to them or bends to their will. But I just...GOD, I was so ANGRY, that this guy made all these big choices for End and killed his BEST FRIEND and was just an utter disgusting piece of s**t that I actually just burst into tears.

And I just talked and talked about how much I hated him, especially for making End scary and then regret it later, and just...man, I don't even remember what I said, Bijan. I just know that I felt SO ANGRY and so hateful and End/Shanta ended up hugging me. Shanta addressed End because for a little while she kind of avoided looking at him after he had acted all scary. I guess she was really surprised.

Then we got on Shanta's carpet and flew back to Wales and talked about lots of stuff. Shanta learned some cuss words and mispronounced a bunch of them and we yelled dirty things like mud and something about Ara's insistence to act hoity toity and I yelled FAUST really loud and End flinched but was smiling the whole time.

Then we took a selfie and I made it my home screen and when we all went back we all dog piled and slept together like we've gotten used to.

And things were okay.

- Muna

[Siyaahi]

8. Dear Bijan, as expected, alcohol is a terrible idea

▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄

THIS SHOULD BE IT'S OWN LINE. DO NOT DELETE, YOU PIECE OF s**t
img

I mean, not that you hadn't told me that a million times after my birthday.

I'm not going to go into any detail because I figure I'll remember this trash mistake I made for the rest of my life, but let's just say that it's about time I reel in the selfish p***k part of me a little bit. Also, I'm never going to sleep without eating a snack ever again. Especially not on End.

Anyways. I went to the Post Office because I was kinda curious to see how a post office worked, and also I was really bored. I got up kind of early today and had nothing else to do I guess. When I got out of there, I saw Shanta and Marianne in sunglasses hangin out. Apparently we were going to go Merchant-tracking. Which I was pretty excited about, seeing as Shanta has literally had me by the collar ever since he left. I really WOULD have just gone looking for him myself, as I guess she knew.

Ian was there, too, and he had finally fixed End's phone. I went to go talk to him, and he was pretty fun to talk to. I poked his cheek and he joked around about being touched by an angel and said lots of nice stuff about me, which I can appreciate. Deeply. Though I've always seen myself as more of a little devil type than an angel.

Anyways. We had to go see Tyler.

I talked to End along the way there on the carpet about lots of things and Mari/Shanta talked about lots of things and then we were in front of the studio. We pretty much got waved in (Shanta waited outside, of course, I suggested End to as well but he didn't) because I guess they pretty much recognize me now? Which was cool.

Tyler was about to do a scene but they cut just before anything started happening, which the other two seemed really relieved about. Then he went over to talk to us with this bright, puppy face sort of expression. That's probably the best thing about visiting him, he always looks so happy to see friends.

Mari talked about to him about stuff, and I talked to the actress he was working with on how to care for my hair. Then I stood around with End some more, who seemed very End-ish that day. More than usual.

Then Mari got kind of this upset look on her face and she said that we had to leave immediately. So we did, and then she sort of yelled at the sky. Apparently Merchant had hovered about that week, but it was the day of his flight. Mari kept on saying how she wasn't going to chase after him and how she 'wasn't doing this again' (I guess she had a bad experience with an ex?) before she finally just gave up after enough of Shanta pestering her and SHOT up into the sky.

We, meanwhile, decided to go home. Halfway long the way I got this snapchat from a random number of an airplane window and this really blurry, angry Mari in it. I screenied it, but when I tried to respond back to the number it wouldn't go through for some reason.

And...that was basically my day, yeah. Nothing too interesting this time, Bijan. But hey, at least we did something, right? I'm sure you would approve of that, at least.

- Muna

[Siyaahi]

9. Dear Bijan, I have a pink life vest now

▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄

THIS SHOULD BE IT'S OWN LINE. DO NOT DELETE, YOU PIECE OF s**t
img

I think I acted a little silly today but it's been a while since me, Shanta and End went out to do something other than check on Mari, so. We did a drug bust today instead.

Basically Mari was really upset about Shanta keep taking her booze, so as 'punishment' for our crimes (even though it's all so she doesn't ruin herself, like Shanta said) and she said there was something going on with sword fish last night? So she basically instructed us to go to the nearby harbor and sneak onto a fishing ship and give her proof that the guy was smuggling drugs so she could arrest him.

So we basically went allllllll the way to the harbor. Shanta decided not to call up Shashi and instead just carried me and End with her pure muscle. I was holding hands with End, too, so we were connected. Oh my gosh, it was so cute though Bijan. I was gonna get out my phone to take a selfie so I sort of loosened my grip on End's hand, right? Just a little. And so he tightened it up SUPER FAST.

And I was like GOD DAMNIT. Because I wasn't just going to rip my hand out of his grip by then, you know?

Oh! I forgot to mention. Yesterday, I tried calling 'honey' to embarrass him, but I ended up getting embarrassed instead. Which I didn't expect to happen. Usually End has to say something back before i feel like dying, but I could barely get the word out this time. When I said it he seemed to pause up though, and later he kept on telling me that I could call him that if I wanted to. Like I got a text from Ari about age appropriate stuff so I wondered if 'honey' was a word I could be using at the tender age of sixteen and End actually INTERJECTED.

He INTERJECTED, Bijan.

So precious.

So yeah I'm going to try to call him honey more often because he seems to really really like it. Also, it will serve as a great term to use when I don't wanna get distracted every time he says 'Muna...' when I call out for him.

Anyways. We flew all the way over there, but OKAY WOW OH MY GOSH I ALMOST FORGOT. OKAY SO ON THE WAY THERE RIGHT. Right. On the way there we saw this really big light green cotton ball thing with eyes just jumping around. And I was like 'what's that' because you know how my Creatures grade is like s**t, right? Because I literally don't care about anything but fairies. So I was like 'what's that' and you know what End said? You know what he said?

He said. "...It's a fluff." And OKAY ON PAPER IT DOES'NT SEEM SO BAD BUT BECAUSE IT'S END AND BECAUSE HE'S SO WONDERFULLY CHARMING AND ABSOLUTELY THE BEST IT WAS ABSOLUTELY THE BEST. He gave this little nod like he was so sure of himself and OH MY GOD WOW. I JUST. WOW.

WHY AM I ALLOWED TO DATE SOMEBODY THIS CUTE?? WHY HAVEN'T THE POLICE CAUGHT ME YET, BIJAN?

OK right we got to the harbor. We decided that Shanta was going to distract the fisherman guy, who was just chilling with a cigarette he wasn't actually smoking. I guess he thought Shanta was a bird, because he started freaking out and grabbed his broom and Shanta ripped open one of the tubs of fish and THREW A FISH AT HIM.

It was absolutely hilarious, but I didn't really pay attention to it because I had to drag End on board and find a hiding place. We hid behind some crates and End was like 'oh right' and I was kind of curious on what he was doing, but then he ended up finding a life jacket and he put it on me. And he told me it was for safety, and I felt kind of really happy. So I kissed his cheek, and then he seemed really happy too. Cheek kisses are magic!

Anyways Shanta eventually joined us and I tried peering into one of the fish bins to see if there was any drugs in there but nope. There was only Jacks. Jacks being the names for all the fish because I whispered 'don't let go, jack' as we were flying by and End was really confused and I almost said a very dangerous thing when he asked me who Jack was. Jack is a guy from this movie Ari was watching late at night once. She was crying. It was a mess.

I told you it was a silly day.

Anyways we hid out for a while before we decided to go inside and me/End talked about something? I don't remember what. But Shanta was just getting all the work done and eventually we found ourselves in this room full of crates. I tried prying one open for more fish but I couldn't do it, but after a while Shanta got it open. Then I held open a fish for her and she shoved her hand into it?

And pop. Out came drugs.

She was really grossed out.

Anyways the ship ended up stopping and we had to hide, so we kind of stood around panicking after sending Mari a picture of the drugs (to which she said a coworker was coming over) and the ship had stopped and we could hear voices. Then End gave this suggestion of me using illusion magic and I was like oh, haha. I forgot I could do that. Literally. Forgot I could use illusion magic. Despite Ara texting me tips literally all the time when we're all dogpile sleeping and me improving on it in general, I forgot about it.

So we just stayed invisible for a while. Fisherman guy (who will be FG for now because we never got his name) came in with this really scary lady who opened a bin WITH ONE HAND WITHOUT ANY EFFORT. It was REALLY SCARY. Shanta got a picture of her but the shutter went off so she seemed really, really suspicious. She was like 'you didnt put any cameras in here right' and of course the guy was like no of course not but she was sooo suspicious she ended up not even giving the smuggler his money!! Like wow, rude? Apparently he was trying to support his ex wife and kids and stuff.

Shanta got REALLY angry meanwhile and I am literally the only thing that stops her from going wild and punching people left and right so I just sort of let go of her at the moment because it was kind of rude to just, you know, not give the guy his money.

I had to taze her so she wouldn't get back up, and she went down pretty fast. Then we gave the guy his money back and he seemed really happy, and this new guy with glasses and brass knuckles I think they're called? Appeared. Mari's coworker, I guess.

He was gonna arrest the fisherman guy but we managed to convince him to just let the guy go through probation or whatever. Apparently fisher guy is gonna take calligraphy classes. He was pretty nice, so good for him.

Then Mari's coworker made sure that we were gonna get home safe, and the fisherman guy was still confused over the giant bird but we pretty much ignored that and then we flied off into the sunset. End got princess carried by Shanta while I was piggyback. Somewhere along the way I had to take off my life jacket and I was really really sad about it. I tried levitating it but Shanta flew too fast so it ended up just falling into the ocean.

I was REALLY UPSET about it so I basically just didn't talk to anyone for the rest of the ride.

We got home eventually, and Marianne was chilling with Xander. Oh, I don't know if I mentioned, Bijan, but Shanta recently has been getting classes with Xander. Pretty cool, huh? She's gonna get really good.

I wish you could be there to see it.

...But anyways. When we got back, End left momentarily and Shanta/Xander/Marianne talked while I sulked for a little bit. When he came back, he had this reeeally bright pink life vest with him. Apparently he had gone to a shop just for the sake of buying me a new life vest. Shanta looked really done with him.

I guess it's a worrisome sign to show just how spoiled I am, but it was just...really endearing, I guess. And it made me really happy. Now when I go to the beach nobody has to worry about me not being able to swim! Though I did learn a little from Naomi when we went to go visit that squid together.

Overall, it was an okay day.

- Muna

[Siyaahi]

10. Dear Bijan, Mari is weird

▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄

THIS SHOULD BE IT'S OWN LINE. DO NOT DELETE, YOU PIECE OF s**t
Though you thought that yourself too.

We got to go to her headquarters today, though. It was a pretty weird trip. We flew for a really long time, and along the way Shashi did lots of fun tricks upon Shanta's command. Somewhere along the way Shashi even dropped us midway and then caught us RIGHT before we hit the tree line.

It was SO cool.

End was absolutely terrified, the poor thing, but he seemed to calm down immediately after I kissed his cheek. So I just did that occasionally, and he was fine.

We eventually landed in this clearing between some trees where there was this little shed that kind of looked like it was used for sewage system connection stuff? So we all went inside for some reason and it was really cramped. Marianne found this bug and then smashed it (apparently it wasn't a real bug, which would explain why there was no empathetic thought to be sensed from it) and then explained that the magic gooey stuff was the same stuff used in the warp pads in the catacombs. I think Shanta said 'Neat' at that point, but I don't remember. She sure likes saying 'neat'.

Anyways, we warped to this underground cave thing. It was sort of like this empty cavern with an official warp pad. There was also this sort of old gate, and Marianne kept trying to jam her ring into this weird shaped lock. Which is kind of a weird way to open a gate. The Organization is weird.

Anyways Marianne started yelling for somebody to come over there and she made this comment like I SWEAR ON MY SWEET a** and of course, Bijan, I had to say that mine was definitely better. End actually agreed, which was kind of funny. Shanta mentioned that hers was pretty nice too, so I checked to confirm and gave her a thumbs up.

Then we went inside after this dwarf came with her ds and unlocked the gate with her charm. The inside was REAAALLY big. It was like....ok, I'm going to draw a diagram.



Except like, imagine a lot more of those railing platform things. And doors with lots of different colors and stuff. (I couldn't find any markers.)

But anyways everyone was talking and stuff so I decided to wander off because I saw an orange door on the ring-platform thing above us. So I decided to go by myself because, you know, I do things like that.

When I entered through the door there was this huge pretty rose garden. It was cool, because the roses really looked real. There was classical music playing somehow, too. It felt like I was in Rose's Storybook or something, it was that pretty. Then I came upon this like.....person? I couldn't tell what gender they were. But this person, and they were drinking tea and had these really cool cookies. They were really nice to me and let me have some. So I took a few. Twenty cookies. A few twenty.

Eventually Shanta arrived, too, and she asked the person for their name. They seemed a little ditzy, but I was too busy eating cookies to notice that Shanta looked weirded out. Oh. I did notice that. So I guess I wasn't THAT busy? Anyways, they were being all funny about their name. Not like ha-ha funny either, like weird attitude funny. You know.

Then it turned out their name was Deux! And we found out because this chinese guy came bursting in all dirty and stuff with golden snake scales. They REALLY wanted to talk to Deux. (Deux is an elf by the way, I forgot the ears in my drawing. Sorry.)

Anyways then Marianne and End appeared, which was cool, because Deux got really angry about his table being dirty and started shooting acid everywhere. I wanted to stay and watch because I think acid-wielding is really cool, but then Shanta dragged me out as everyone was leaving.

Then we went to this classroom while Marianne was being weird, and Assistant was there. He was teaching the fisherman who we met earlier, whose name is Fred. Anyways, a lot of people were talking. Something about Marianne not reaching her full potential and Assistant being disappointed or something. I don't know. I saw an apple on the table in the front of the classroom so I ate it.

Anyways, Marianne made kind of a scene. But Assistant wouldn't take her points or something? So we went back outside and down alllllllll the way to the weird tv screen with the rankings and stuff. Marianne did something that has to do with giving points away or whatever, I don't really know what it means Bijan honestly I was eating the entire time and admiring the huge board with all the names and pictures of people.

Anyways, we went back to the warp pad. Marianne was being weird and End suggested that she talk to us, but she said that she didn't want to push her problems onto a bunch of kids. She left first, but before we left we all speculated on what Marianne's whole deal was.

We went back out without any real conclusion, and on the ride home Shashi showed me and End more tricks. It was fun.

- Muna

[Siyaahi]

11. Dear Bijan,

▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄

THIS SHOULD BE IT'S OWN LINE. DO NOT DELETE, YOU PIECE OF s**t
It's over.

Vivian is dead. That's it.

...I wish that was it.

She stabbed me. I'm in the Nurse's office right now. It's dark and I think everyone else is asleep but I'm not. There's a lot of people in here. Shanta, Cas, Icarus, Naomi, and some other people but I can't really see.

I'm going to write about everything that's happened. I don't want to forget this. It's been a very, very long night, Bijan. Longer than I wish it had been.

Naomi sent out this letter. She was calling for people to come join her at the entrance of the forest. The aim was to raid the Cottage or whatever, and capture a Pact member so we could negotiate with the Council to get the Headmaster back. Which, honestly, I don't really understand why it was left to us, but...well, of course I would go, you know?

I wanted to see Vivian.

After the things she said about you, my tolerance with her had gotten a little short, I admit. But the way she treated me back when the Black Dragon attacked, I just...I couldn't stop thinking about it. And it wouldn't make sense not to go, right?

Shanta and End came, too. I guess Shanta knew I was going to attend. End was bound to follow afterwards, of course.

The group was pretty large. There were all the heads of the houses, and Averill, and Yvonne/Icarus/Ian. Ari kind of squinted at me when I showed up but she didn't say anything. I was the only Lucian other than her that came, which I think she was a little relieved about.

Anyways, Naomi gave this whole battle plan speech. Don't blame you if you leave, I know it's crazy, yadda yadda yadda. Nobody went back to dorms. Her, Ari and Averill started walking ahead when Shanta mentioned that we should probably catch up, too.

Somewhere ahead, Aery and her started arguing too before Ari snapped at them both and broke it up. Averill seemed to be a part of it for a moment, too, but I wasn't really paying attention because I found it kind of silly. Aerykah, Naomi and Ari are always butting heads. It's nothing new.

I found it a little silly, I guess. If they were so worried about not having a plan then why didn't they just try to assume leadership themselves? Like, I dunno. Everyone always complains when Naomi takes charge but I don't think anyone else has bothered to assume leadership position. I don't know if it's just that Naomi is too annoying to bother usurping her or if everyone is just too lazy, though.

Anyways, I wasn't really interested in listening to people other than Shanta and End, so I suggested to the both of them that we just skip on ahead. It's not like any of us were interested in actually capturing a Pact member anyways.

Then the girl named Yvonne? I think? I think it was her. She stopped and called out all anxiously that we had company, and would you have it, there was James in a tree trying to act cool. He even shot an arrow at Naomi's feet. He wasn't wearing his horrible regular clothes, so I wasn't really all that scared I guess. Mostly he seemed to be focusing on Aerykah or whatever. I guess he knew he was going to get a rise out of her?

Anyways, End agreed to my plan of just skipping ahead. I suggested to Shanta that we take Averill along with us because I figured he would be safer with us. Shanta agreed and just sort of plucked him away from behind the upperclassmen. Me and End boarded Shashi and she dropped him on the carpet with the rest of us. He seemed to be really disoriented about flying, though. I guess I sort of was the first time I was on Shashi, too?

Haha, no I wasn't. I can't pretend like I can relate to the kind of utter terror that was on that poor guy's face. He was actually worried that Aerykah was going to kill James. Averill asked a lot of questions along the way, actually. I tried to answer a few.

Anyways James did this weird thing where he trapped everyone in this ring of fire. Or, well, it was this ring of fire that was intended to trap everyone. I saw mostly everyone save for Aerykah escape but after that we were over the tree line, so I just chilled out for the rest of the ride. I showed Averill some breathing exercises that Aafia taught me to make him feel better, which seemed to calm him down.

When we reached the Cottage, Averill asked if we had a plan. Of course since it's us, we didn't have a plan. I looked at Shanta because I thought that she would know, but she gave me this look back that was like 'why are you looking at me, we never have a plan?' so yeah.

There was that. I explained to Averill the difference between Ezrael and Lara while trying to preserve my voice as much as possible. I've actually lost most use of it for now. My throat really hurts and I can't speak above a whisper. I ended up...I ended up straining myself a lot in the end.

But I'll get to that later. I don't want to write about it just yet. I'm just trying to keep myself together.

Lara appeared after Shanta just kinda...went up to the cottage and knocked on the door. Which wasn't the BEST non-plan ever, but it's not like Ezrael would just casually open it, right? It was Lara, anyways. She reassured us that she wasn't going to kill us. I wasn't taking the situation seriously enough so I asked her a really stupid question, but Averill was there so he scolded me back to my senses.

End turned to him for just a second but he didn't say anything, just insisted that Lara wasn't the enemy. Averill was pretty suspicious, which I guess was reasonable considering that he hadn't every actually had any contact with the Pact. ...Actually, you know, for the past few months I don't think I've ever even seen Averill outside of class. Definitely not in Justus. I guess I don't see him around a lot because I'm mostly always in Justus and he probably sticks to campus. He seems like the type to do that. I guess the campus is okay, but...it doesn't really interest me, I guess. I prefer Justus more.

I tried explaining a little more to him, but it was pretty hard to speak. Basically I tried to reason that if Lara wanted to kill us then she would warn us to turn back before attacking like James had in the beginning. I stuttered over my words a little bit, but I added in that Vivian was always dying. I tried to motion to Lara and make a point that she was the reason Vivian wasn't dead, and that Vivian wasn't exactly herself anymore, but he didn't seem to understand me.

Lara reassured us that Ezrael wasn't around, though. Well, she seemed relaxed, so I took that as a 'he's not around' and slipped out from my hiding spot aka End. I'm trying to reason that I hide behind him to make HIM feel better, but, well. It's not like it doesn't make me feel better too. I don't know. I can think better if I'm visually separated from people who make it hard to think I guess. Like bloodthirsty hellish demons from another dimension that I probably couldn't possibly comprehend.

Anyways I tried asking Lara if she had told the rest of the members not to kill, but she avoided my answer. Then I kept quiet for a little bit because my tongue felt really tired, so I just listened in on everyone. Lara explained to us a few things.

She said that she wanted to see Vivian healed up and the rest of the Unit in prison, for their own protection apparently. She also told us that James was really incompetent, which kind of made me wonder how he was part of a team that had a 0% fail rate, but honestly I can believe it. He's got the personality of somebody unimpressive. Though I think the easier way to say that is 'he's annoying'? Eh, whatever. I don't care about him. He's like an extremely severely uncharming Merchant. It's bad enough I'm sullying Merchant's name by comparing them as it is.

Anyways. Lara told us that Vivian was alive, or at least breathing. She told us that she put the rest of her team in a gauntlet formation (I don't know what a gauntlet formation is, thought?) and that apparently strategetically it was the worst thing she could do to them? Which proved she was being serious, I guess. She did admit it bothered her that she was doing that sort of thing to her own teammates, which I can understand. I'd NEVER want to do something like that to Shanta and End, even if they turned out to be horrible shitty people. Which they won't. Because being the horrible shitty person is MY job.

Then she was like 'it's not time for snacks muna' which was the thing I was talking about earlier where Averill scolded me about. I like eating. I ate a lot during Marianne's whole serious business with headquarters, and...come to think of it, I haven't had dinner today, so I was feeling kind of hungry I guess. My appetite is. Gone now, though, so. Yeah.

I don't know why I asked her for snacks anyways. I know there was a reason why that has to do with more than me being hungry, I think? Shanta would have probably instantly understood my reason at the time, but she's not in any state for me to be asking her questions. I really shouldn't be up writing this in the first place, Bijan, but you're the only one that I can talk to this stuff about. You've always been.

And, um. It's been a while since I slept without Shanta and End by my side. Along with everything that's happened today, despite being so ridiculously exhausted, I can't get to sleep. I'm scared of going to sleep. I don't know what scenes from today are going to replay in my head and I don't want to know.

Everything has...just become too much.

Anyways, I don't remember why I asked for snacks in the first place because it's been a really long day. That's the point I was trying to get across but I sort of got distracted while I was writing I guess. I think I said it before but I'm really, really tired Bijan.

Why does everyone have to I'll continue. Anyways, Lara was like 'she's breathing and thats whats important' which Shanta seemed a little 'ehh'ed by. Shanta tried asking her to give her more information about Vivian, because that obviously wasn't enough. She seemed kind of anxious. She ALSO asked about Ezrael.

Lara told us that Vivian hadn't woken up from the last time we saw her. Then she kind of stopped talking for a second and got this kind of bitter-y sound to her voice when she told us that Ezrael abandoned her team. She seemed really upset about it.

Then Averill got on her case and started asking her about why she would suddenly betray her team and stuff. He was also like 'no, the reason she's not herself is because of them' in this rude a** tone which kind of annoyed me a little, if I'm being honest.

Not really at him (the rude a** tone is typical of Averill), Im just...annoyed over how s**t inconvenient speaking really is. I'll get to that later, too. There are a lot of things I want to say, but I'm scared that if I start ranting now I won't be able to recall all the important details. My head feels really weird and I know I keep repeating myself, so I kind of doubt this will make sense later, but I can try, right?

Anyways I just kept silent as everyone talked, because my tongue felt really heavy and my throat hurt a little. I wanted to ask if it was okay to leave Vivian alone for so long, but I couldn't bring myself to.

Lara reassured Averill that it wasn't out of nowhere, and she really seemed to believe that the safest place for the rest of her team was in jail. Apparently if they returned to..their headquarters or whatever, they'd get killed. Then she told us that she'd turn herself in when Vivian got cured, but I sort of didn't believe that.

Then this--this scream came out of nowhere. End jumped near me, and Averill and him tried to ask Lara to let them help and stuff. Which was, of course, impossible.

Like any of us could have been capable of doing anything.

I tried to ask again if Lara had told her members not to kill any students, and she ignored me again. She told End and Averill that they wouldn't be able to help and told us that prison would be the least worst option. She told us that she wouldn't be able to order them to surrender (I think Averill asked) because they were all a family, and went into the Cottage to check up on Vivian.

Averill seemed kind of upset by the fact that Lara kept ignoring my question, to the point of going up to the cottage and actually start to tap on the windows. He seemed really distressed over the fact that there wasn't really anything for us to do, and got it in his head that Lara was making the Pact kill us so they could be stuck in prison forever.

So I dragged his a** away from the window because WOW no that was not a good idea. He glared at me for a moment, but Averill has glared at me for a lot of things so I didn't really care. Lara came out of the Cottage and did this weird thing where she snapped her fingers and the grass around Averill's feet trapped him for a few seconds. She was like 'I didn't TELL them to kill because we don't want to be guilty of that' and also that she hadn't been planning on getting captured. Which, you know, also went along with my suspicions.

I don't know really what she was trying to say. Everything was going really fast and it was hard to process everything she was saying until the very end where she told us to leave. She was planning on escaping with Vivian.

In that moment, I knew something bad was about to happen. I could sense it. I thought of agreeing with Lara and just forcing Shanta, End and Averill to run away. But I didn't.

It's all my fault.

All I could think about was seeing Vivian, like the selfish piece of s**t I am. I just HAD to see her, Muna ******** Nejem compromised everybody's safety because he was insistent on seeing his old friend like the too attached sorry piece of s**t he is, to the point of forcing Lara to comfort me or some--some bullshit like that, I was SO INSISTENT on gaining some sort of solid answer from her and I should have trusted her more, Bijan, I shouldn't have asked her

I could have made the right choice. I could have, I could have, if I hadn't been so ******** persistent on knowing where they were going then maybe she could have

lived

you know its really funny bijan really reallyreally funny because the curse is gone but i still feel it it still feels like its stuck in my body it feels like it went too deep in my skin and ive gotten so used to it that it just became a part of me wouldn't that be funny wouldnt it be so funny if your sacrifice had turned out to be in vain all along ha ha haha

i still feel too guilty about things and i still feel like its my fault god its stupid its stupid its SO SO STUPID that she should have lived so long and then just died because of what i had to say you know what I had to ask?

i had to ask 'where is safety?'

and she just smiled at me she smiled and said that she couldn't tell me but she gave me her word

she said 'you have my word, muna' just like that she said that vivian would be safe and that she would be back and

vivian came back

In the exact same second I thought that for certain everything was going to be okay, before Lara could even finish her sentence, this hand shot out from her chest. This black, horrible hand, and it made this disgusting sound when Vivian pulled it back out and Lara's body just fell like a rock

I couldn't move.

Nobody moved, for this horrible second. I thought I was going to vomit. It was...it was so disgusting, it's horrible to say but it was so horrible Bijan, I wish you had been there with me

and then Averill spoke first. He just asked her if she had really just killed somebody. then End joined in, and his voice did that thing where it went unnaturally cold, but it just made feel even sicker. he warned Vivian not to do anything stupid. Vivian ignored him.

She was like 'haha what a nice surprise to wake up to' when she saw all of us and just. Stepped right through Lara's body as she approached us. Lara's ribs made this--I don't. I'm not going to write about that part I don't want to remember that part

But she talked down End and then was all like 'she made me suffer so much Averill isn't she a horrible person' and I just...it felt wrong. It didn't feel like it was Vivian.

Averill tried talking to her normally, though.. I think he was still in shock, considering that she had just. Just killed Lara.
I sort of snapped out of it after that. I told myself what you always told me so I could think straight during heavy situations, and the first thing I did was tell End not do anything stupid. Then I tried to...I thought that maybe it would help if I tried to talk Vivian down like I usually did.

She always listened, right? She didn't this time. She just...wanted to kill everyone. That's all she cared about. She complained about how much pain she was in and how that if she used enough black magic she'd eventually be able to get rid of that pain, and that was her point. That was the reason she wanted to kill everyone.

I felt disgusted with her. For the first time, I saw what everyone else was seeing when they looked at her.

I saw a monster.

Shanta flew straight at her, no words said. She summoned her sword and charged straight at Vivian like the goddamn rash idiot she is. Vivian just--she just ducked and ripped the feather off Shanta's necklace. Then she aimed a bump at Shanta's stomach and sent Shanta flying into a tree with this horrible slamming sound. Then she asked 'Who's next?'

Averill freaked out. He started hyperventilating, sort of, and sprinted over to where Shanta had been thrown across. I didn't move. I had assumed either End or him was going to go running to Shanta's aid, and I didn't want Vivian attacking either of them when their backs were turned. (End took a step back, but he didn't move after that.)

So I got her to go after me instead. It was the only way I could think of engaging Vivian.

It wasn't like it was a self sacrificial choice made out of kindness, or anything. I felt really, really angry at Vivian. I felt tired of her. I felt tired of seeing her hurt my friends all the time and trying to reason with her. I felt like I had just wasted all my time on a murderer.

She didn't even care, either. She had murdered this woman who had lived for centuries, who had been trying her best to help her, without even blinking. Vivian desecrated her corpse without a second thought and wiped her shoes on the ground like she'd gotten something disgusting on them.

I was really, really angry. So I dug at her where I knew she would hate it the most.

I called her a coward.

The smile wiped off her face immediately, and I felt this weird satisfaction. She started walking towards me and I didn't bother moving because I knew that it would be useless. She stopped in front of me for a second and just looked at me, and then fast as anything she stabbed me.

Right where I had stabbed her.

That was the first thing I noticed. And I wondered for a second if maybe a little, tiny bit of Vivian was still left. I was thinking that if there wasn't that little bit, then she would have definitely killed me where I stood. But she didn't. She didn't even meet my eyes when I looked up from the wound to get some sort of answer out of her.

I couldn't say anything more to her, though. My throat did this weird thing where it strained out before I could get all my words out, and a few seconds after she had ripped her blade out of me I started to feel this horrible pain. Then I just...collapsed on the ground. It felt like I couldn't even hold my own body up.

All I could do was try to grab my shirt and press it against the wound to try to stem the blood with one hand and use the other one to hold onto you to stop myself from freaking out. It didn't help much to stop the blood from ruining my shirt and getting all over my hands, but I think now that it was a smart decision. I don't think I would be sitting here writing this entry if I hadn't done that. I would be alive, granted, but I would probably be passed out right now.

Hah. Isn't that funny? The only person I can save is myself.

What a load of s**t.

I tried to focus on everything other than the pain. I could hear Naomi's voice telling everyone some sort of strategy before it disappeared. Then out of the corner of my eye I could see Cas sneaking around, trying to get Shanta's feather back. Somewhere further away, Averill was trying to convince Ari that everyone should run away. Ari was treating Shanta and told Averill to wait to see what Naomi would do.

End went into action, too. Luckily he didn't use any dark magic. He just cast a bump at Vivian to get her away from where I was and then stepped out in front of me. I couldn't see his expression, but I'm sure it would have been scary. His voice certainly was. He was practically snarling at her when he told her to stop what she was doing.

Surprisingly, she backed off. She got back into her happy mode and promised him that she would stop trying to hurt me because I would die eventually anyways like he and everyone else would. Then she stepped away from us and started heading in the direction of Icarus, Yvonne and Ian.

I couldn't really see them because my vision was going kind of blurry, but they looked REALLY bad. The pink haired guy that Shanta likes talking to for some reason -- Icarus -- had this gash in his chest and his leg, and Yvonne had one on her arm, and Ian's hands looked...really gross. It was clear they panicked for a few seconds. Then they tried talking to her to distract her, I think?

It didn't really seem to affect her. First Yvonne tried asking her why she was doing all of this, which she was like 'it's lonely if I'm the only one going to hell' or something like that, then the pink haired guy was like oh there isnt going to be any satisfaction from killing us or whatever. I think he name-dropped Aerykah, too, who wasn't...who wasn't actually there.

Oh my god, I hope she isn't dead. Nobody's actually mentioned her this whole time, so I guess she probably isn't? Ugh, I don't know. I don't really care to know at the moment, to be honest. So much has already happened, I'm too tired. I don't have the strength to panic over somebody going missing unless it was Shanta or End.

Their words didn't go through to her, and Vivian asked them who wanted to be first. Nobody answered her.

For a second, I really thought they were going to die.

Then a bunch of s**t happened at once.

Then there was this yell from Ari, and I couldn't really see because my head was only facing the sad trio of injured kids. Also, my vision was going a little blurry.

Ari sprinted right past us, though. At that same moment Vivian punched this huge ball of magical energy that Socket (Ian's freaky robot you didn't like) generated back at Socket, which kind of destroyed the robot. Then Naomi appeared in this HUGE gush of salt water. It was CRAZY.

Then she swept her arm and this HUGE gush of water just came over Vivian before Vivian could even react. Then she yelled at Fas, and Cas did this weird thing with their eye. Like, it started glowing really brightly, and then this huge...laser, thing, burst out of it.

I closed my eyes just in time, but everything went white. I could hear a girl screaming. I wasn't sure if it was Naomi or Vivian, because the attack hit Naomi too. Once it was over Naomi just...dropped to the ground, looking all charred. Cas pretty much collapsed too, due to straining their magic reserves I think.

Everyone was trying their best to...do something, and I was just lying around. So when Vivian dropped, I tried to get up myself. It was hard because I was shaking and my vision was spotty and it was really disorienting seeing my own blood all over my hands like that, but I knew I wasn't going to die. I was on the verge of blacking out from blood loss and I knew I wasn't going to die.

It's strange, isn't it? I'm useless, and weak, and reckless, but I'm not dead yet. Every time I've been destined to do it, somebody else always had to take the brunt of the impact. When I first got cursed it was Firuz and you, and then it was....you.

You've taken the brunt of a lot of things for me, huh Bijan. I guess you didn't think I wouldn't notice you taking on the weight of most of my negative emotions. I don't know if it was because the curse made you feel guilty, too, for what you inadvertently did to my personality when we were joined together. But...I'm realizing now, how far you went for me.

How much more everything hurts when you're not here.

I really, really wish you were here, Bijan. So much. Every day I think to myself how great it would be if you were here with me. To tell me what to do, to support me, to make stupid side comments through the mental link we had.

I guess it's selfish. I only want you here for my sake. I should be wishing that you were happy, not still tied to me. But it's the truth. I wish you were still tied to me. I wish you had never left me. If I knew you were going to leave me, I would have tried to make sure you stayed.

....Though you probably would have left anyways, huh?

I've never been good at making people stay.

I'm scared that one day, Shanta and End are gonna leave me, too. I'm not going to start this s**t. I'm supposed to be writing about what happened today. Even if Shanta and End leave, that will be their choice, and it's not my place to be upset about it. They'll have to eventually. That's...I'll just have to prepare myself for that.

Muna Nejem is not going to hold his friends back. He's done that enough already with everyone else. It never ended up well.

I miss you, Bijan.

I wish you could know that.

Anyways, for this horrible moment, Vivian didn't move. I tried to get up a little bit, get on my elbows and stuff. Averill started walking towards me, and I tried to call out to Vivian. My throat really, really hurts right now. I know I wrote it earlier, but it really hurts. I don't think I'll be able to talk for a few days. It's such a bother. But anyways, my voice came out really hoarse.

I tried to tell her that I really had thought she was my friend.

I don't think she heard me.

She started moving, eventually, and got this really bad black glow to her. She said that she was sick of playing around.

Averill picked me up, eventually. It hurt a little when he did it but I think he was trying to be really careful. He said something to me, and I could see his mouth moving, but I don't know what he said. His voice didn't come out. It was a little scary to see, to be honest.

I knew it wasn't me just going loopy, even though it was getting harder to breathe by the second, because I could hear Ari respond back to Vivian. She cast this...shimmering sphere over Vivian. I recognized it because of that one time Marianne cast it over Merchant's cart. It was a Sphere of Influence. The only way you could really tell it was around Vivian was that there was this weird, slight shimmer around her, and Ari was holding out this stick of eyeliner with this dark pink glow around it.

As Averill was putting me on the carpet, Vivian let go of this huge blast of black magic. I couldn't see her face, and for this horrible second I thought that Ari's sphere hadn't worked. But then it--stopped. This huge puff of black....gas, or something, and it just sort of...held there. Then it got sucked all the way back into Vivian. When the smoke cleared up and the sphere disappeared, Vivian was just...on the ground. Barely moving.

It was kind of stupid because I had snapped at her only moments earlier, but as End climbed onto Shashi with me with this scary expression on his face (I only glanced at him) I asked Shashi to take me to Vivian. I was being too persistent, because I always have to be with other people.
I could sort of feel my throat giving out by then, because my voice was sort of cracking and giving out weird. I kept coughing, too, so I was a little surprised that Shashi understood my instructions.

It was really hard, but when Shashi stopped by Vivian's side I managed to push myself off the carpet. I could hear End protesting near me, but I knew he wasn't going to stop me. End wouldn't do something like that.

I tried to get off and be able to stand up again, but as soon as I put my weight off Shashi I kind of collapsed onto myself. I was going to end up kneeling beside her anyways, so I wasn't too upset about it I guess. I put my hands on the ground too so I didn't do anything stupid like...like touch her.

I said her name, after a moment, because I couldn't say anything else. Shanta appeared, and she said 'I'm sorry'. End stood behind me and didn't say anything.

It took a few moments, but I think she noticed we were there. She must have, because she said my name.

Then she said "I don't want to die."

and I couldn't say anything back.

It's not even that my voice was failing me. It's that I didn't know what to say.

I couldn't do anything for her. All I could do was sit there and watch her crumble away in front of my eyes. And now she's gone.

Isn't it cruel? Isn't it just too unfair, for her to suddenly regain her reasoning on the brink of death?

In the end, did I really do anything for her? Did I really try to save her? I spent--I forced myself not to think about her too much. Until she made a point of showing up in Justus. Maybe everybody else did the same thing, but I was trying to...I was kidding myself that I was making some active effort to make sure she didn't end up dead.

It wasn't even out of kindness. I'm not saying I didn't care about her, of course. Of course I did. Of course I cared about her, god, I cared about her so much more than I think I really should have. But I'm not a kind person, I'm selfish, and ugly, and always ******** up.

I just, I thought that we were similar.

I'll never breathe a word about it to anybody other than you, Bijan. I don't...I don't think Shanta and End would really be happy if I said something like that.

It's presumptuous, anyways. I really, really thought that me and Vivian were some ******** up pair, some weird duo paralleling eachother. It's not hard to see, right? I don't think it is. Being pushed and tugged along by other people's wills. Being in pain all the time. Having other people constantly offput by your attitude but never trying to understand why you're like that. Having everyone leave you. Having nobody understand.

I really wanted to save her from that fate, more than anything else. I wanted to make sure she wasn't alone. I wanted to be the person who would understand for her.

She was the first person who I really felt comfortable around, who I felt like...I felt like she really saw me as an equal. Back when everyone else used to always panic about the s**t I got into, do you remember? She was the first person to believe in me. We were friends, god, we were friends, bijan, it feels so strange because it doesn't feel like it anymore after everything that's happened but we were friends

I think in the beginning, I really did try my hardest. But...but the more the taint got to her, and the more she hurt everyone, and after Shashi, and after you, I just.

I got tired of her

It's horrible but I really did get tired of her Bijan, I got tired of her never listening and always demanding me to kill her when WE BOTH KNEW SHE NEVER WANTED TO DIE IN THE FIRST PLACE and she was always spilling this pretentious s**t about how the world had a way of getting rid of scum and you know it was always Vivian who joked about me being too overdramatic

and when she killed Lara I felt SO ANGRY, I felt like all the talking I had done had been for s**t, I felt like I didn't even know her anymore. That the Vivian I danced with and held hands with and hid behind and laughed at the things I said didn't exist anymore. When she smashed her foot through Lara's ribs like it was nothing, when she smiled at us like everything was fine and promised us that she was going to drag us into hell with her, it felt...

I felt betrayed.

This whole time I had been separating the her who was my friend and the her who was a monster apart from each other, like that if I just got through one then I could have the other back. Like if we could just set her mind right and keep her alive that she would go back to normal. When in reality it's always been the same person doing those things. When truthfully she would have never really gone back to who she used to be, even if we had managed to save her. I know she wouldn't have, because when you're...when you have taint running in your system, it doesn't ever feel like it's gone away even when it has. Because my curse is gone but it never really feels like it ever left, Bijan, even when you did.

We're similar, right? Mirror images, even.

Stupid.

Stupid, stupid stupid stupid stupidstupid how can I even write something like that I can't believe myself haha even now I'm being presumptuous and ridiculous and horrible but thats what I really thought that's what I've been thinking this whole time I figured that if I could save myself then I could, at least, I could do something for her if I couldn't do anything else for anyone else then I could save Vivian but in the end was I really doing anything for her?

no

I wasn't.

the whole entire time I've been kidding myself. understand her? Like I could understand her. like I could understand anyone. what ounce of ******** empathy have I ever had?

even when she was dead I couldn't do anything. all I did was sit there. all I did was think about how I hadn't done anything for her. my vision was going spotty and it was getting harder and harder to breathe but it took Shanta levitating me back onto the carpet for me to move and even then all I did was sit there and look at my hands and all the blood on them

I haven't even said a word since we came to the nurse's office. my throat hurts and there is nothing for me to say and you know what, bijan? I hate speaking. I ******** hate speaking. I've been kidding myself about that, too, thinking it's such a great and exciting novelty. I hate listening to myself speak and I hate having to struggle to get anything across because in the end my words don't even ******** matter like I was hoping they would this whole entire time

words can't save a dying girl.

I might as well just not bother speaking at all. Maybe it's time I learned sign language for real.

I don't know how to feel. About the person she was or the person she became. But...But I think it's clear that everyone is going to want to forget about her as soon as possible. I don't think soon is possible, though. I think she'll serve as some nasty reminder to all of us. Just how easy it is to get in over your head. Just how fast people will leave you behind.

'Vivian Summers' is going to be a taboo word for everyone after this.

I wonder after everything that's happened, if it will be for me, too.

-- Muna

[Siyaahi]

「Tιмeѕĸιp」
▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄

[Siyaahi]

12. Dear Bijan, Merchant came back

▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄

THIS SHOULD BE IT'S OWN LINE. DO NOT DELETE, YOU PIECE OF s**t
It's amazing how things change, don't you think?

I snuck out with Shanta again today. We were alone together in Justus for a while since End likes properly checking out, which Shanta was kind of sour about. Since she's super about fighting the man or whatever, I've already told you about this.

It was a pretty quiet day. We went to the candy shop so I could restock on lemon sherberts, and we talked about some nonsensical stuff. I told her that she looked a little different and she sort of stared at me and said that she'd shaved half of her hair off. And I was like oh right, because I was there when Shanta was on Skype with Marianne to do it.

So then I just kinda touched the fuzzy parts for a while because it was really fun. I mentioned that we could probably play checkers on her head and she said that we should try it later. I dunno how it's gonna work since Shanta has to put the pieces on her head.

So basically we just sat around and talked for a while when we heard this weird sound of like...wooden wheels? And an engine. Both of us were super curious, since nobody has a car in Justus. Which definitely meant that an outsider was coming.

Shanta flew up to see who it was. She got this really surprised expression on her face, and the she called me to tell me to get Marianne. Which I was a little confused about, but I texted Marianne anyways.

So we went to the southeast corner of town. I was getting a little suspicious because it was the spot that we used to go to to visit Merchant, but he hadn't been back in a while, right? Except, there was...a cart! There. Me and Shanta kind of marveled at it for a few moments before Marianne came with burgers for us.

She kept insisting that it was a circus cart or something. I'm unsure. I decided to go inside to check, but there was nobody in there. I heard sounds from the backroom so I went in there, and I saw this...shadow cross my eye. I couldn't see anyone, though. Then my ears caught onto the sound of footsteps and I could feel somebody pass me by to get to the door of the backroom, so I turned and sprinted out before whoever it was could reach the door of the cart.

I figured that they were invisible, so I just launched myself at the space where they would be at, and both of us kind of tumbled out of the door. It wasn't Merchant, though, which I was INCREDIBLY disappointed by. It was this guy named Jack.

He was incredibly suspicious, so naturally I interrogated him. He didn't talk much and said that he was with Merchant, which, ok, I was a little jealous about. I swear I used to not be this bad.

Anyways we talked to him for a little bit and figured out that Merchant was coming back from visiting somebody (Tyler) and was going through the back alleys. It would be quicker to meet up with him, so I texted End and after a while End met up with us. Then we went to go through the alleyways.

Oh, yeah, recently Marianne has been calling us by our names in quick succession. She'll say "Shanta! Muna! End!" and then give us some important info or address all of us with some recommendation of action to take. I don't know, it just reminded me of you a little.

Anyways, Shanta flew off to go search for people solo and Marianne went for a birds eye view. I just walked around a bit with End, which was nice. I didn't hold his hand, which was not so nice. But I have to start somewhere if I'm going to learn to be less selfish. I've started out with little things first, so now I think I can do something like this. I'm trying to train myself to be better at restraint so End won't have to suffer all the time. With the three centimeter rule in place in Merlin, I really don't want to get him in trouble. (I later explained this to him.)

Also...I've been thinking about...bad things. Different types of bad things. I wish I was an adult already. It feels like I've stayed a kid longer than everybody else.

I met with Jeff along the way. He was sort of just lounging about, like most of the hooligans in the alleyways now. I had End ask him about Merchant, and Jeff was like 'wonder what a guy like that would be doing back here'. Which, you know, kind of stuck in my head. Because why WOULD Merchant come back? Especially after everything he had said.

Well, it turns out he actually got hired again, but I'll get to that later.

I got a call from Shanta, and she was freaking out. I tried to get her to tell us where she came from, but we lost contact. She was being followed by some guys who didn't think she looked like a giant bird. Which...was a little weird. I mean, I'm sure it's nothing, but there's a possibility that it isn't nothing. And...well, I'm not somebody to just brush off stuff like that.

Around this time, we spotted this really handsome and neatly dressed guy. I sorta knew immediately it was Merchant. So we ran after him, and we came across Shanta and Marianne and him. There were a bunch of guys that they beat up, but I just sort of stood back and watched with End. It wasn't necessary for me to join in and I would probably only end up injuring myself.

Marianne gave Shanta back her wing, which apparently a guy had ripped off of her. Merchant didn't seem to recognize any of us. Well after Marianne had addressed Shanta then he was like WOW that's Shanta.

Then he tried flirting with Marianne. Which was kind of funny but also 'erk' ish. Marianne socked him, like she promised everyone she would. End winced, which I expected.

Then we alllll went back to the cart. And had dinner. And that's basically it. We went home early because of the elf slayer and I fed End and yeah. That's it. Shanta and End argued again, and I talked to Merchant a little bit. I'm trying to be kind of chill about the fact they don't really see eye to eye about a lot of things anymore because I don't want to put any strain on them (especially because they'll be leaving me behind this year) but...I really wish they wouldn't. They've always been the 'mature' ones, and they've always been able to reasonably sort out their differences, so...

I don't know. I'm worried. Shanta's changed a lot and End barely has. Maybe that's it. Maybe it just needs more time. I'm telling myself it won't get worse so I don't have to step in, but honestly I don't know what to do, Bijan. I wish you were around to tell me.

Your friend,

Muna