Muna's Journal

[Siyaahi]

40. Ex

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Ew.

Like, no. Seriously. Ew.

We went to Georgia's today because I think a few days previous while I was hanging out with Shanta/End (we were trying to study together) we just sort of got on the topic. Apparently Faust made a 'reflection' of himself, which is basically like a past version of himself stuck in a mirror?

So we just sorta. Ended up going. Shanta was full of energy, at least. End was terrified, he really seemed like he didn't want to. We talked to Georgia a bit while End talked to Georgia's mom, Lucinda, who asked him lots of questions. And then we just sort of ended up going to the attic.

And...the mirror was right there. It seemed regular! But it wasn't. And just poor End looked so terrified and I was more than willing to go back downstairs with him but Shanta and Bijan kept pushing onwards. I mean I did sort of agree with them, but seeing End like that just...made me want to wrap him up in like ten thousand blankets and hug him a bit.

Eventually End relented and approached the mirror. And...Faust popped out. It was really weird. He didn't seem to realize where he was or anything, but he DID recognize End. Because he immediately grabbed onto End and sort of...sucked. His face. Off.

It actually uh. Really, really hurt to watch. I had to turn my face away into Shanta's shoulder so I didn't realize how much End actually didn't like it until I looked back. I'm not really going to go into details about how I felt because...I just don't. Want to relive it. And this is an entry about End. It would be selfish of me to complain about how much it hurt when he had to suffer the brunt of everything. So.

I spent most of the time holding Shanta back from beating Faust's face in. I wasn't sure of just how much he could do, and I definitely didn't want her getting hurt. Faust and End talked for a little bit, and me/Shanta got a better understanding of their whole...dynamic. Faust basically was telling End what to feel and twisted End's words and just...It was terrible.

I went down momentarily to ask Georgia about some things for background info before going back upstairs. I also sort of needed a moment. Shanta acted kind of rude but I was still nervous so I tried to sort of be the middle man?

End talked to Faust a bit more, but it was made really obvious that this flat version wasn't really understanding what he was saying. I was kind of glad it wasn't the actual guy because I sort of have a feeling he would have been worse. At least this one was relatively harmless.

After End went ahead with the okay, I let Shanta go because my own temper had finally sort of given up. She went up to Faust and I got my scimitar out and went to the mirror. Faust kept on telling End to help him and stop him and stuff, but End didn't move an inch. Shanta punched him, and I struck the mirror as hard as I could just as he was about to get up. Glass kind of went spraying everywhere, which I feel is a theme with me now, but I covered my face so I was good.

Faust disappeared and the attic was empty again. End talked some more about himself, I swept up the glass in a pile (I never get to sweep so it was pretty fun actually) and yeah. Shanta was really really angry still. She admit that Faust reminded of her of Daksha with the way he acted like he knew what was best, but eh....I dunno. Faust seemed a lot more terrible than Daksha, and I mean, I don't like Daksha. It's not like I hate him, it's just. He's so ******** annoying. Like, seriously. I think I just have a dislike for rich boys after Da

Anyways. We spent some time there and then we left.

I just hope End can be a little more okay after this.

I don't really feel like writing anymore.




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[Siyaahi]

41. Rose's Story

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Uh...yeah.

So we finished up the storybook today. It was more lighthearted than the others? But also not. And also, uh...what's the word?

Bijan said meta. Yeah, I guess that's it.

Anyways, lots of interesting stuff that I'm too lazy to write about. I'm pretty sure we're done with the storybook anyways.

Basically the story was that Rose kept on resetting time for this princess because that princess's 'hero' kept getting killed? But then this one time Rose's knight got killed. So she was like you know what this s**t is never gonna work, I'm going to stuff you and your sisters into the storybook so your precious hero or whatever and the rest of everyone is stuck in like story limbo or whatever.

So we sat around at the table and basically figured out we had to write it so Rose died? Except she was like lol like Im gonna let a bunch of kids kill me please. So it turns out she would only die in that story.

Which still seems a bit sad to me, because that place has her knight or whatever in it and she seemed really fond of her. Anyways somehow it became Bijan's duty to like decide on what to write (which I think suited him quite well) and he just told me via our mental connection what to write. So I did.

We got to watch Rose 'die', and then we got out of the storybook. Ta da! Story over.

I feel like there is still some stuff left, so I guess we can go back when we have free time. I don't know. The whole tugging feeling that I needed to complete it is gone. Maybe I'll just leave the book in commons for somebody else to pick up.

It's been a while since we had a not emotionally straining adventure. Wasn't dangerous, either. That's that, I guess.




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[Siyaahi]

42. No more taint eating for me

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So stuff sort of went down. Again.

I sort of forgot to mention this last time during the whole Faust thing, but I've been looking over the cart. Merchant was out of the country in Egypt or whatever. It's been kind of exhausting though because the whole cart got like SWARMED with people (because of my pictures or whatever), but Marianne was there to help so I guess it's good. We organized the Merchant's cart some and made a whole ton of money. I also had a tip jar which I took for myself. I might as well make cash off their undesired disgusting affections for a minor if Merchant is going to.

Anyways, I was at the fountain plaza with End/Shanta. I got some texts from Merchant that he was arriving and to get gold spray on some scarabs, but as soon as we were about to go over there who else but Vivian was to appear. She just said she was going for a walk, but...yeah.

I was kind of nervous. End got all serious and he seemed really angry, among other things,
( insert thing) Merchant started texting me again and I was trying to explain to him that I couldnt get the spraypaint QUITE YET because apparently his bus was coming to Justus, but Vivian was right there so I just typed in 'help' and then shoved my phone back into my pocket. He didn't know who Vivian was because I never informed him. I should have told him, even if he doesn't care. Maybe then he wouldn't have acted so stupidly reckless.

Shanta reminded me about the whole thing where I could you know, eat taint. Which at the time seemed like a GREAT idea to help Vivian! But now that the day is over, I don't really know how possible it would be.

At the time though, I told her about it, and at first she didn't seem to believe me but I got closer to her. Basically right in front of her, and I offered my hand out to her because I know it would be show that I wasn't kidding. And she...

For a moment, she really looked like herself. And she smiled at me. For one, stupid, stupid second, I thought that maybe I would be able to save somebody important to me for once. For once, for once I'd be able to do something for somebody else who REALLY needed it.

I didn't. Nothing like that happened.

The Merchant appeared. Vivian saw him, made the connection of me texting, and her expression went right back to normal. She grabbed onto my arm and god, it hurt, it really did. I told Merchant not to, but he had this weird glove that made a giant fist appear. It threw Vivian into the side of the fence that separates the moat from the actual plaza.

I don't know whether it knocked her out or not because we had to run. All the way back into the Merchant's cart, my arm bleeding because I sliced open the spot where Vivian grabbed as fast as possible. I have this theory that taint exposed to air is less potent, the same way pure sol is probably different from sol that's been left in the air for a long time. I think I learned that from one of the textbooks when I was studying for exams. I don't really remember? I should probably confirm it with somebody later.

Anyways, we gathered there. Marianne was there, too, I think? I don't remember. I was too busy crying out of frustration. Im STILL frustrated about it. I had been so, so, so close. If I hadn't just send that STUPID text, then Merchant wouldn't have his hand all messed up and maybe I could have helped Vivian. Just maybe. I know now that I would have probably overloaded my system and maybe died, but at least I could have taken out some of it, you know? Things would have been partially okay if not completely.

Anyways I cried a lot, which I think made End kind of upset so I think I'll try to not do that next time, and Merchant pulled me out of it etc. At that time I didn't know how bad his hand was, which I think he was hiding from us because him and Marianne had some sort of vague weird conversation.

Shanta had to go out for some reason, except I think we heard her scream, so me and End went out after End dressed my wound. We ended up running into Ezrael and Vivian again, Vivian who apparently had intentions to kill me since I was a liar. Which, you know. Is not a good thing.

Ezrael wanted me to do the whole taint thing again. Shanta was behind them, injured, and there was me and End. Vivian tainted End's arm, and I had to get it out. Which I did, essentially, while Vivian and Shanta talked. It was...well, it was unpleasant. As hell. I was scared and disgusted. I was REALLY careful with it because I didn't want to hurt End, but I also didn't want to have the taint settle in his body longer than it had to. So I got allll of it out.

Ezrael wanted to have a 'talk' with me afterwards, which I guess he meant 'make me go insane'. I tried to barter wit him and have it so that everyone would leave End and Shanta alone, but Vivian still had free reign. End and Shanta told me not to do it, but I couldn't figure out a way to get out of the situation we were in.

And well...somehow everything became serious. End got all serious and hot and whatever, and like ok so End is REALLY attractive when he's angry but also he is kind of a reckless idiot who doesn't care about his own well being, and I mean he usually is without the reckless part, and I don't really know how else to say this but my heart hurts a lot when he acts like that because I'm on the verge of having a heart attack from his combined attractiveness and incredible worry inducing habit. ANYWAYS.

He told me to get behind him but then I had some black magic pointed at me, and life just didn't work out because I TRIED bumping Ezrael but it didn't work AT ALL and Shanta got a blast of what we later learned was hellfire to her side. Which I was REALLY REALLY REALLY UPSET ABOUT BECAUSE IT WAS KIND OF MY FAULT FOR NOT JUDGING THINGS CORRECTLY but she was kind of dying so it wasn't really the time for that.

Anyways, I asked Ezrael some questions before he shot me, and for some reason he let me have three? Which was a little weird. Except he didn't really answer them properly. I asked him at the end if he could go back to being how he used to be, but he was like haha evil laugh who said I was any different or some dramatic bs like that. And so somehow subversively I ended up finding out he was a demon.

And then, well, I nearly died. But I mean that's sort of a regular thing at Merlin so. End, somehow, managed to protect me? With this weird dark barrier thing. It was kind of disorienting to see it just kind of appear there in front of me, because for a second I thought it was part of Ezrael's spell. I managed to recover quickly, though, and somehow we ended up running away with Shanta.

We managed to get to Merchant's cart (he was really panicked, it was pretty funny actually because he was like 'you're never leaving this cart again congrats its your new home), which Marianne had cast a sphere of influence on? We had to get Shanta on a bed, and while Merchant figured out what it was (he apparently knows a bunch of old languages?) I sucked out the taint from End's hands. The tension of doing it in front of terrorists was gone, so I was fully aware of how, uh....intimate? It was? Yeah.

Anyways, we found out that Shanta had been effected by hellfire. And we needed to somehow get it out...by casting black magic on her, I think? And have it all turn into taint. Bijan suggested End do it, but End didn't want to hurt Shanta, so we had to go find Vivian and instigate her into attacking Shanta.

But talking to Vivian somewhere along the way I sort of completely forgot about that plan, because honestly I don't really like the idea of her being angry at me, (though I guess it's kind of natural seeing as she IS technically the enemy) and I ended up talking a lot because she called me a liar and I mean I AM but Vivian was probably one of like...four or five people who I had never, ever lied to? (Those three people who I have forgotten about and do not care about, Bijan and Trash so yeah five I guess)

Anyways we ended up really confusing her, because she tried shooting dark magic except it was no where near us. Then it ALMOST hit Bijan because of something stupid he said. I really, really thought he was going to die, so I sort of grabbed him out of the air. Every time Bijan gets into danger like that I usually manage to swipe him out of it in the nick of time, or he just ends up lucky, and I know his survival rate is pretty impressive even for a fairy but I still get really, really, scared.

Like of course I get terrified for End because he's a dummy and Shanta because she's reckless like I am with less luck, but with Bijan it feels more like...I don't know? Like with the other two it's tied with this fear of not being able to stop it, but when Bijan is in danger it feels like I'm in danger, too. It probably has to do with the whole reason he can't stay too far away from me and our whole mental bond thing. I feel what he feels, he feels what I feel and all of that. Which is probably why our opinions end up being the same most of the time. I used to just adapt to his thought process, especially when I was a kid which actually in retrospect probably explains the deep seething hatred and little s**t of a teen I was back then.

But recently I think he's been adapting more to mine? Or at the least, we've been able to think apart more easily now. Which I guess is the effect of the locks weakening. What that means, I don't know. I guess when the curse breaks and I either die or survive, he's gonna be free.

Which is probably why he gave up on shoving End and Shanta away and wasn't too disagreeable when I first started dating End. He's asleep right now so it's nice to be able to brainstorm about this once without him stopping me or whatever.

He doesn't like me thinking too hard about it for some reason. I don't think he likes it in general when I think about the Curse and how it affects him because he knows about my whole guilt complex over Grampa and D Trash binding him to me the same way they binded 'him'.

...Anyways. We had to get out of there because Vivian did that death pulse thing. Except things got a little confusing for a while, because we ran one way and then went another, and then I was going for Merchant's but then somehow we ended up at Marinna's place with End having decided to have cast black magic on Shanta anyways.

Anyways, we figured it was a good idea to let the taint in Shanta's body settle. So I dealt with the taint in End's hands again. Then I went ahead and dealt with Shanta. It was...

Absolutely disgusting.

Honestly the worst thing I've ever done in my life. Bijan kept talking about me to Shanta and End, which was good because then they were distracted from the expressions I was making. It was...god. It was terrible. It was like when I was 8 and Grampa had only slowed down the process so he could figure out what to do with my cousins. Except it was in opposite, and I was EATING the taint instead of throwing it up, and my hair wasn't turning white.

I had to keep telling myself that I was doing this for Shanta and that she would goddamn die if I didn't, and I ended up putting too much force into it in the process so I had to lessen up a little. Meanwhile Bijan was like wow Muna thinks so much about End blah blah blah. He totally over-exaggerated. I do NOT think about End ALL the time.

And I mean it's hard NOT to think about him, ok, he's just so absolutely lovely and it's really easy to start just thinking about him a lot when he's mentioned or I start? IT'S JUST REALLY HARD TO STOP WHEN I START OK. I'm clingy and it's gross and I don't know how End can stand to be with me.

Anyways. I finished up, Shanta was safe, End was safe, everyone was alright. I told them I would leave first because I was trying REALLY hard to not vomit, but then I sort of had to rush to the bathroom and do it anyways. Bijan told them to be worried, which I really wished he hadn't. So I...guess I'll have to explain later.

I got a glass of water, Marinna was very nice, Shanta declared that the whole eating taint thing was going to be the very very last option, which I argued a little. She pointed out that I wouldn't be able to eat it anyways when we came back from spring break, and so I...sort of brought up the idea of me keeping the curse.

It's been something I've been thinking about for a while. I mean, it's enough that I don't deserve to be alive, but...I sort of like things being like this? I don't mind the pain and being weak or whatever. I've still managed to do everything I wanted to just fine. And I could be of HELP to people for once in my life with it. But Shanta and End really didn't like the sound of that, just like everybody else doesn't. Something about it causing me enough pain already.

I don't know why nobody seems to understand that I'm honestly fine with that? I don't know. Maybe my reason for keeping it is also because everything surrounding my curse has always been decided without me? Whether it's the locks or getting it off or whatever. I want my own say in things for once. I don't know if it's because people think it's a bad thing I'm fine with it or whatever and I'm actually lying and hate it, or what.

I'm not really good at understanding the intentions behind things people say. That's more Bijan's thing.

But...whatever. Anyways. It's been decided that End isn't allowed to use black magic anymore, and I'm not allowed to eat taint anymore, and personally I think it would be nice if Shanta stopped acting so wild, but hey, we have to be realistic.

We went home. I was exhausted, so I wasn't really paying much attention to anything after that. I took a nice, long shower, vomited some more taint (Ari knocked on the door and said that if I got close to dying to tell her now because she doesn't want to find a body in the shared bathroom at 7AM the next morning and also to not be so loud if I could help it because Scarlett & Gilrin were asleep and she would string my intestines up on a wall if I woke them up) and then went to bed in the cool hanging cloth bed thing that's different from all the bunk beds.

So yeah. That's it. I'm exhausted, and I'm probably not going to do anything big tomorrow, and yeah.




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[Siyaahi]

43. This is stupid I'm just venting

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I managed to sort of dodge it for one day because it turned out everyone sort of needed some rest, but...I ended up. Telling Shanta/End. That it got worse.

I really didn't want to. They looked upset. I'm just...kind of sick of having to see that expression on the people I care most about. Whether it's mom or dad or Firuz or Aafia or Luay

I guess there is no point in pretending I don't care about them anymore

Maybe I'm getting over it. I don't know. I don't really care about that right now. I just don't want End and Shanta to be upset or worried over me. Pain is just pain. It still isn't as bad as the time I contracted the curse, anyways.

And I mean...it's been helpful in some ways? Whether it's eating taint or having a reason to have Bijan by my side.

I guess I don't see it as a big deal at this point. I mean, if I'm being honest, I never thought that I deserved to live. The circumstances that I got the curse was strange, sure, and I know I was just a kid, but...

How many other kids have died? How many other elves? I've seen it happen. The curse makes you WANT to die. Makes you hate yourself to just...this incredible extent. It makes you want to give up and hide away, be a coward. It consumes you, I guess.

Which I have been, for quite a while. A lying coward. Even to myself. Bijan was really the only one who saw through my s**t but I've only really gotten out of my shell because I've had End and Shanta.

But I don't want to die. I never really did. I don't think it's fair that I got this thing on me, and it's the reason I hate D him so much, but all of that just ends up making me feel kind of worse. The only thing that hindered me from being cast out from my village like Luay (which is what they do to the younger ones. the curse is only given to elves considered 'adults') and be together with the three of them was the fact that I'm the first grandson of the stupid head of the stupid Amirmoez family.

The only reason I'm ALIVE is for the same reason.

I hate it. I've always hated it. The reason I've never responded to the letters Grandpa sent me is because I've never been able to get over it. Why am I the only one who gets to live? What makes me different from all the other scum of the world? I've lied, I've cheated, I've stolen. I STILL lie and cheat. From people worse than me for the sake of making money for the Merchant sure, but where do people draw the line and say something is okay?

I always tried to figure that out when I was a kid. Always got into trouble. Always did stuff I wasn't supposed to, never listened to Bijan. But I was never punished for it from my parents. (Bijan yelled my ear off, which I'm glad he did now) Was it because they were guilty? Is that why my dad barely ever came home and my mom spent most of her time doing odd jobs and pretending not to be falling apart? Or did they just never pretend to see because they were so busy keeping us from going from hungry?

(And you know I remember really resenting my dad because he always left us alone and barely brought any money home. Maybe that's why I still work for the Merchant. Because I can at least make MONEY doing something dangerous. Dad can't even do that, no matter what his position is.)

I told myself it wouldn't matter as long as I pretend it didn't, but that didn't work either. I was being a coward. I can't just pretend away everything anymore. Things don't stop happening just because I pretend they don't. Whether it was End and Shanta getting suspicious of me, or it's Vivian dying, or Bijan, or D Dar elf trash.

I don't know. I've always pretend that I never think too hard about it or it never bothered me, but I just hate seeing people look guilty or worried or just. Just sad. Because of me. Yeah, it hurts. It REALLY REALLY hurts. It has always REALLY REALLY hurt. So what? What about all the other people in the world who go through more s**t than me? What about all the criminals who didn't have the convenience of being a part of the ever goddamn great Amirmoez family?

What about those two? What about End and Shanta who have to deal with the respective bullshit and loss and trauma? I don't HAVE trauma, and very much not the crippling kind that Shanta probably has. At least, I don't think I do, but honestly if I'm not sure then it's probably not that bad?

And I mean sure, for a while I had technically no one, but even then I had Bijan. I've never had to be so absolutely alone like End did, not even knowing my own freaking identity and always having to deal with the guilt that I survived by taking other people's bodies.

I think that's the definite line between me, Shanta and End. They've had to deal with more, have suffered through more, and they're still better people than I could ever hope to be.

I guess my problem is is that I don't really. Deserve their worry. Or anything, really. All I've ever gotten (really gotten AWAY WITH) is because I'm from the stupid dumb big name Amirmoez family and because my face is pretty. I don't deserve to be alive, but I am anyways, and I don't want to die. I don't deserve to be worried about by Shanta/End but I still want their friendship and attention anyways.

I'm kind of a piece of s**t, I guess. Which I mean I have always known, but just...ugh. Vivian was right. I AM weak. I am really, really, really weak. Neither strong like Shanta or brave like End. I can't help anyone, I can't even fix my OWN stupid problems. It's always been somebody else taking on my burden or taking the brunt of it or having to fix stuff for me.

Eh, speaking of my dad, we saw him again today because I had to go to the dumb bring your kid to work mystery dinner thing. He told End and Shanta during the drive back about the time I punched him in the stomach because he wouldn't let me go see Da King Elf Trash. Shanta's opinion of him changed for the better, and he seems to have accepted End, so at least all is well for only a moment on that front.

Egh. I know these things won't go away no matter how hard I think about them because in the end I don't think I'll ever really be able to let go of Shanta/End's friendship at this point nor like kill myself for the sake of like, moral righteousness or whatever, so I guess I'll just continue and pretend it doesn't bother me. But I don't think it'll ever NOT bother me.

Bijan knows, at least. He tells me I have to deal with my own problems my own way and without him having to support me every step of the way, because he already does more than he's technically supposed to do, and I guess I agree.

I just...I don't know. I don't want to keep being selfish like this, but I don't want to let go of anything either. Firuz always told me that if you wanted to get things done you had to sacrifice something, but I don't really want to. Sacrifice anything. I'm fine being in pain a lot and not having a 'whole' life if it means I CAN live and have friends like this and stuff. It's alright. Honestly, I've never mind the curse.

But...well. Loose ends have to get tied up eventually, I guess. Spring break is coming up. I don't really think I really have a choice on what I'm going to do.

Not that I ever actually did.




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[Siyaahi]

Lifting our spirits (ha-ha)

I feel like stuff has happened in the past few days? But I don't really remember. So whatever.

(a/n BASICALLY I FORGOT WHAT HAPPENED AND NOBODY SEEMS TO REMEMBER SO IT PROBABLY ISNT IMPORTANT & IM NOT PUTTING THIS IN MY ARCHIVES BUT JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS TIME DID PASS)

(The handwriting changed on the page. Looks like Muna got a sharper pencil.)

OH MY GOD I REMEMBERED

ok so like we found out Ian is dead today. Which really kind of upset me. But at the same time I don't really think he's dead because his phone worked fine and that's gotta mean something right. Anyways I'm not gonna treat him like dead until the two week time period is over. For my own sake and...yeah.

But you know the last time somebody was considered dead she came back evil so.

I'm not going to. Write any further about that for my sake.

Anyways. We then ended up going to a graveyard for some reason? To lift our spirits. Shanta dragged Nina off somewhere because apparently me and End were supposed to kiss and also she had to explain to her stuff. She tends to do that a lot for Nina.

Anyways, we actually ended up just talking about End's life for a bit. I was laying on the ground for some reason? I forgot why.

Oh, and Bijan called Shanta back, but then she was like 'no' and went away. So then End leaned down and like booped our noses together BECAUSE I DO IT ALL THE TIME YOU KNOW EXCEPT ITS STUPID WHEN I DO IT BUT WHEN HE DID IT IT WAS REALLY CUTE BECAUSE HE GIGGLED WHEN HE PULLED BACK UP AND LIKE GOD. STOP DOING THAT END. STOP MAKING MY LIFE SO HARD TO LIVE.

And then we kissed and yeah. I cheered up immediately. The end.





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[Siyaahi]

45. Kill her

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I don't know. I have a feeling things weren't supposed to go like this.

I don't really know how to feel about anything right now. I'm sad which I'm usually really really good at avoiding but. I can't. This time.

I made a lot of money today so I was feeling pretty happy, but when I came out to the usual 'wow met as a coincidence ha ha' thing Shanta was just standing at the railing thing. When I keen eyed myself to see what she was looking at it was pretty easy to realize. Vivian was asleep on a bench in the fountain area.

She looked pretty bad. I sort of...snapped a tiny bit, I guess. I don't really want to feel the responsibility of having to meddle with this stuff anymore? Like, I know if not us then who, because everyone else isn't really as...reckless as me/bijan/end/shanta, and we always just end up to be the ones who meddle ourselves, but...I dunno. I guess part of the weight just kinda hit me there. Shanta reminded be that Vivian would probably die if the teachers got to her, though, so I guess I was sort of quick to recover.

Then Lara appeared, I guess to go get Vivian. We talked to her a little bit, and while being slightly rude she did seem to be trying to help us as best as possible. She made this comment that apparently she couldn't really tell us stuff because all the blood in her body would turn into taint? Or some other horrible thing.

Eugh.

Anyways End appeared somewhere in the middle of this so I waved the confused sweet baby over and I kind of reached out for his hand because I was like hm BUT THEN HE TOOK IT SO I WAS LIKE really happy oh gosh.

I was really happy.

...Urg. I should continue properly. Anyways we all realized Vivian had up and ran off so Lara went off to go get her. I was about to visit Merchant so....we did that. Except when I got there he was spring cleaning? Except it's the middle of winter. Apparently he does this.

So I figured hey, might as well help, you know? And End joined! Which was a little surprising because he does't like Merchant. I think he called him like disgusting or gross or whatever, and then he felt really bad. It was SO cute.

So like cue lots of confusion from me upon finding weird things and then having those things explained and End acting all funny and shaking his head and washing his hands and stuff. Bijan said I should be really grateful to him, which of course I am because why would he date an absolute loser like me, but at the same time I didn't really get it.

Anyways in the midst of this there was this HUGE CRASHING SOUND and we found Lara surrounded by all this glass? So we went over to help her, but she didn't need any first aid, and she said that Vivian had ran off somewhere. She seemed really worried. Apparently she had tried containing her in like, this super-improb, but it didn't work? Whatever.

After she left Shanta got this great, absolutely wonderful idea to go chasing after Vivian! Which neither me nor End were really up for. Eventually we kind of agreed to it hesitantly though, which then led to a plan being made. I was to go find Vivian and distract her or whatever by talking to her with Bijan while End and Shanta were to go find Lara.

I think End was REALLY worried because I was technically going off alone? But it didn't really feel that way to me. It never really has I guess, despite the fact I constantly run off 'alone'? I've always had Bijan by my side, after all, so even if I'm worried I can continue through. Also just having him there is really reassuring for some reason. The only reason I can act so calm during dangerous situations is because he's with me.

Soo...I found Vivian. And we talked. She calmed down after listening to me for a while, and she softened up a bit. I told her about how bad of a kid I used to be before I came to Merlin and how I sort of got where she was coming from and I think it was the first time I shared some important things to anybody other than Bijan. I was trying to cheer up, and she seemed to realize this, and I think I did come through to her a lot...? But god, it was so sad. It was beyond sad, how her case is.

After a while of talking Bijan told me via our connection that it was time for us to go, and I created an excuse before telling her I had to go.

I told Shanta/End about it after I met up with them again. As soon as I came back to them they swarmed over me, kept on asking me if she had hurt me. Of course she hadn't, and I told them that much, but it was pretty obvious I was sad. And...well, it was the least I could do to tell them at least this much, if I'm going to hide everything else.

Before I left, she told me to wait and for a split second I thought she had found us out, but she hadn't. She said once everything went...down, or whatever, she...She asked me to kill her.

That it couldn't be the Blood Pact or Shanta or End or anyone else. I think she noticed how hesitant I was about the idea because she told me that if I couldn't manage to do it myself just make sure she did.

I've never really felt the bloodlust that everybody else seems to. I've never wanted to kill anybody, (even that stupid trash king). Of course I hate him, but not in the same way Shanta hates her fiance or how End hates Faust for what he did to Nola.

And yeah, okay, my whole DEAL is doing morally unsound things, and I'm an a*****e, but I really, really don't think I can kill anyone. It's just. I've had so many people sacrifice so many things just to keep me alive, and the crushing reality of what it actually was never really hit me until I got to Merlin.

Someone like me, who has already taken so much especially for the sake of serving myself, especially considering the own stupid mistakes I make, do not deserve to kill anyone.

I don't have the desire to in the first place. I can't take away a life. I cant think one person that I think deserves to die or that I WANT to die. Even Vivian.

I can't bring myself to hate her. I know how it feels, I guess. To just want others to give up on you and leave you alone. She hates herself, and the taint makes her want to die, and all I want to do is help HER, but

can I kill her?

Bijan said that's not the point. The real question to him is whether I would be able to forgive myself for doing it.

I don't know. I'm actually pretty sure I wouldn't, but I don't know if that's the point either.

I want to help VIVIAN, not the people around her and who want to use her or take her away to experiment. Her, if not anybody else, because she deserves it the most even after all the things she's done. Especially after all the things she's done and now that everyone has given up on her.

She won't. She's going to die. No matter how much effort Lara puts into stretching herself for the sake of the team, no matter how much taint I could try to suck out. There's no other option. Vivian doesn't have a miracle waiting for her. Not the way I did. She's going to die.

Even after all the terrible things she's done, I can't help but feel like crying.





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[Siyaahi]

46. A giant squid and a bad feeling

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Ugh. I've been avoiding writing in my journal for a while, for kind of obvious reasons, but I think today is important enough that I should.

I wore all green today because I was with End at the beach. Everything was going fine, and we even met up with Shanta for some reason because that is a thing that happens, but then Naomi appeared out of the ocean. Basically we decided to follow her under the ocean using these charms Shanta flied all the way back to school to get, and we went on a great ocean adventure.

I think we found the ruins of Atlantis? Or something. Naomi went on ahead, past this huge squid guarding the place that fell for End's purity. I was feeling kinda bitter and a bit offended so I kind of aggressively thought things on how I was gonna eat squid later, which the squid noticed, because it proceeded to not like me. Shanta warned me about the whole thing AFTER I had been aggressively thinking. So...yeah.

We met up with Naomi and saw this huge statue that had been broken? That I think was her aunt. End and her began to talk and since I was feeling sad Shanta took me to go see sharks! We saw a cool shark, and I threw this really pretty fish at it, but then it started chasing after us so we kind of had to go.

So then we all went back and the squid was like hey I'll give you a ride but then it said my head was dirty? And...I kind of misinterpreted it at first and thought the squid was talking about like, my actual head. I seriously thought that it was insulting Firuz, and I...I felt really, really angry.

BEYOND angry. I REALLY thought I was about to do something stupid, but Shanta seemed to notice and said some stuff to calm me down. Then I kinda realized what the squid REALLY meant, but I still felt like Firuz had been insulted and I just...felt kind of upset. So I decided to just stay with Naomi.

She taught me how to swim, a little! We came back kinda late. Shanta and End seemed a little upset about it, but I was trying to focus on how happy I felt about swimming. Then I felt really hungry so I kind of ran off ahead to a seafood restaurant to go stuff my face to feel better.

(Oh yeah, and Naomi wants to kill someone? Not...not something I really am big on supporting. I joked around a little about it first because I felt like that's kind of expected form my kind of character, and also I was curious about who she was gonna kill.)

Naomi got there first, and I talked to her a bit about Firuz and other stuff. Remembering him and actually mentioning to him made me feel...a little happy, actually, so I kind of offhandedly mentioned him too to Shanta and End. How important he is to me and stuff. End started acting a little weird, though. He didn't smile back really wide when I did? So I was like ok, something is defs wrong, and Shanta thought so too, but then I had to go throw up because I ate too much so I rushed away.

Then I came back and Shanta was talking smack about Faust, so I decided I might as well joined in. End didn't say anything, but I could kind of tell he was happy. Then we sort of got on the subject of how his taint was treated. Apparently Faust hadn't written about it because End's friend Ida (who was apparently like the leader) told him not to, which we sort of assumed meant it was something horrible. But I don't know, I couldn't really believe that he would listen to her? At first End said that maybe Lara's friend had helped Faust, but even that didn't really make sense to me because he didn't really seem like the type of person who would get help from others,

I ended up texting Merchant if taint could get extracted or something. But then...this idea came to me on how Faust may have done it. I asked him if fresh sol was more effective than sol that had been, you know, tainted by air and stuff, and if it can be extracted from somebody and used to draw out taint. And. It could. End mentioned his friend Nola being a dwarf, and just...

I called up the lady that had helped out End before (whose name I cant seem to recall at the moment) and we went over there. Naomi joined because she wanted to get smoothies with Dante or whatever. I had a very, very bad idea. I didn't want to tell anyone though, just confirm it.

Along the boat ride, Shanta told me that End was apparently a bit jealous because I called Firuz my most important person. Which...I mean. He is. Firuz is most definitely my most important person. But I found it kind of cute instead of being troubled, which is probably a bad thing. Honestly I didn't even think End could GET jealous. Uncomfortable, sure, but never actually jealous.

Well, like I told Shanta, it doesn't matter anyways. I'll never be able to meet with Firuz anyways. And I certainly wouldn't be able to abandon Merlin to be together with him, Aafia and Luay again. No matter how much I miss them.

We went to the lady's house (along the way I managed to distract End with a hardcore game of pattycake, but that ended as soon as we got there), we went upstairs, and we looked. I went up with End as Shanta explained things to Nina (who had been visiting her family) and I told him that I didn't want to tell him just yet because I didn't want to make him worry. I asked him about his past, and he told me that his best fiend used to be Nola, and just....I felt terrible.

I told them for maybe paper, and voila, Shanta found it somehow. End read it, and it turned out it was exactly what we were looking for. More letters from Faust on what exactly had happened.

But...the more letters that End read out loud, the more nervous he got, and after a while he just didn't say anything. I had told Shanta on the ship what my idea was, and...my guess was right. Faust had extracted sol from Nola to heal End, and himself, and in the process he killed her.

It was dead silent for a while, and End was a mess on the ground, and I could feel Shanta get angrier and angrier next to me. Nina just seemed sad and confused. Then...End and Shanta got this idea to repair the mirror, and make Faust pay. They were going to kill him.

It was scary. The way their faces looked, especially End's, it was...it was really scary.

It was scary, but I wasn't scared.

I rejected the idea, of course, telling them that it was a stupid idea and pointless. Not to mention the fact that we probably couldn't repair the mirror anyways. I really thought one of them was going to snap at me, but they didn't. So I just went downstairs and got snacks for everyone.

We all ate a little and took a chance to calm down. I sat near End on the floor, and he told me thanks. And I was honestly surprised because I...thought he was gonna be mad that I didn't tell him? But he was like oh if you weren't worried about it then we wouldn't be here and just, yeah. I didn't really know what to say, so I tried my best to say what I thought was good at the time, and I kind of just took his hand.

We were like that for a while. End crouched and...and crying, I think, and Shanta was still angry, and Nina was still confused, and I was just...me. It's so frustrating. End's whole story is a big puzzle that we have to solve, but all the parts is stuff from the past. If I had the chance, I would want to punch Faust myself. But it's impossible. Everyone End remembers is dead, and he's been hurt so much, and I just...I don't know. I really don't know how to explain what I'm feeling now, or ever, and I don't know if what I told him that moment was the right thing at all. But I think taking his hand was the right thing at the time.

We left after that. In comparison to the beginning of the day where everyone was happy, everyone was really quiet that time.

I can't be self reflective after what's happened today. I just want to be sad about End for a while longer.

I don't want anything to hurt him anymore. Or ever.

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[Siyaahi]

47. More catfights

I witnessed possibly one of the most stupidest things ever, and also got some cool bruises. That's honestly about it. It's helped kept my mind off the whole Vivian thing, though, which is how I've been treating everything that happens to me that doesn't relate to the Blood Pact stuff.

I was chilling with End today when Aerykah appeared. I kind of put my head in his lap and Aerykah went off to sit with Naomi. And Naomi was acting really cold and then they started arguing...?

Seriously, do those two EVER stop? There is always something going on with them, I swear to god. They had a bit of a fight and they sort of attacked eachother and I tried to get in the way because I didn't want END doing that and getting hurt but Aerykah pushed me back REALLY HARD and I got this bruise on my shoulder when I fell.

Anyways, they ended up separating somehow. I went with Naomi to Justus to get her healed up while End went to go cheer Aerykah up. I think he was the best candidate for it, because he's kind of like a soft sponge you can hug, and I'm not really in the business of cheering up people, to be honest. And at least with Naomi I'm not required to do that.

Anyways we went to go see her mom. She had baked cookies! But when she healed Naomi Naomi had to grab my arm and she did it REALLY REALLY REALLY hard so I got another bruise.

Then End appeared, some how? And I um...I told him that I would get better if he gave me lots of kisses. But then people had apparently heard me so YEAH I WENT BACK TO GRAB SOME COOKIES WITH END. And then we kinda went out again because I felt like seeing Merchant.

And ta da, Aerykah and James from the Blood Pact were there. He was dressed casually and telling this story about how Lara had angered Ezrael or something, and he was acting all chill and friendly and stuff. I just kinda went ahead with it but I could tell End was uncomfortable, ad Aerykah acted really rude to James but composed...? And just eh, I dunno.

Then James left, and Merchant didn't pay attention to me because he was too busy solving Aerykah's problems for her, and so I just talked to End. I asked him questions and stuff and I tried to make him go red by telling him out of nowhere that I really, really liked him, but then he...he said it back....

IT WAS SOO EMBARRASSING.

Anyways Aerykah left and I was like look at my bruises Merchant I need them covered up with like makeup or something because I have backless dresses? But everyone freaked out when I took off my shirt like. Chill. I am a boy. For some reason, nobody cares when I show my tits.

Then we got on the topic of maids because Merchant needs one? And I was like wow I can find a reason to wear a maid dress because they're fun, and then Cas directed me to where to find one, so I went there and wore it. But I wasn't really sure if I should have bought it or not? And then Cas/End came in, and End started talking REEEEALLY slowly and he looked like he was in pain for some reason. I panicked, but he didn't really say what was going on, and then Bijan kinda snapped and told me to go change back. In the end, I didn't buy the dress. Oh well. Not like I would have been able to use it for anything anyways.

Then we pretty much left. End of the day, done.

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[Siyaahi]

48. Lots of things (Ian is alive) and also other things (Naomi is crazy)

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Ian is alive.

Somehow I ended up going to visit the elf fetish guy again with Shanta and End, End who was very very displeased. (His upset face is super cute.) Apparently we would get a lot of cash if we went. He was extremely easy to handle as always, and I ended up getting more by telling him I needed money for a really short dress.

Then he took us to the back, as usual, and I...heard a familiar voice. It was Ian? He tried to run past me, but I didn't see his injuries and just kinda stuck my foot out so he didn't get too far. The actual mechanic didn't seem alarmed at all, and I got him to go to the front of the store by telling him I lost my ring in the front. He fell for it, of course.

Anyways, we talked to Ian for a bit. He was really, really cheery? And his eyes weren't red anymore. Apparently he had a hex on him. He told us that he didn't want his three friends to know he was alive, because they could be put in danger. He also made us some food.

We all debated telling Gilrin/Icarus(?)/Scarlett about it. I didn't think it was a good idea to tell them at all, End thought we should tell Gilrin, and Shanta thought we should tell one of them that wouldn't do anything risky. Apparently Gilrin was really defensive over the whole Ian being dead thing, so Shanta didn't think it was a good idea.

I mean...honestly, I didn't care what they did, as long as I didn't have to get involved. The way Ian looked so lonely, and the whole 'my three most important people think I'm dead' thing just...it reminds me too much of Firuz and Aafia and Luay. My whole family aside from my grampa and I think those three know I'm alive, but Firuz and Aafia and Luay think I'm dead.

I don't even want to see them. I miss them too much, but I can't just make all their grief for nothing by being like 'ta da, here I am, I can't actually rejoin you guys because I go to school now and live an ocean away and can't be a thief anymore!' It would be a waste, you know? Which is why that time on the boat I told Shanta that it didn't really matter anyways. Because I'm never going to be able to see them, if they're alive themselves. I want to think they are. I KNOW Firuz is because he's tied to the curse, but what about Aafia and Luay? Are they arrested? Dead? They were always enough for eachother, and I KNOW Luay's only purpose was to serve Aafia, but was it enough?

I don't know. I won't find out even when I go back to the spring festival.

I guess I'm jealous. Ian at least has a small chance of telling them that he's alive and well, and they're all reachable to him, and he can go BACK to them.

I can't.

I don't really think it's fair if I get too involved in his business then, for that reason. I don't want to be reminded of those three anymore than I have to.

I really miss them.

We went back, my mood kind of down, so the bus ride was silent. End isn't so good at starting conversations. We went to go tell Merchant everything had went well, but he was asleep. I gave him his jacket, but it was really cold outside, so I somehow ended up getting End's scarf. It didn't smell like flowers, but it did smell really nice. End put it on for me, but according to Naomi (who we ran into afterwards) I looked like an idiot with it all wrapped around my head. Like, whatever. It was super comfortable.

I'm getting tired of writing, so I'll just shorten it up now. I talked to Naomi and argued about her over killing Iapyx because honestly I don't think she has ANY right to, then she and End talked while I managed to climb End using my super strong lower body skills. I found his weakness is his neck, which was entertaining because he kept cutting himself off mid sentence and stuff. (Shanta told me not to do that kind of stuff in public though which Bijan later explained to me was apparently really intimate or something? I don't really get why, but whatevs. Maybe my neck just isn't sensitive.)

I felt like getting carried since I was already on End, but his new body is super super weak, so Shanta ended up carrying me. It was really fun, because we were waaaay up in the sky. I ended up falling asleep, though. And now I'm awake, writing this. I don't really know whether I'm in Janus or Lucian. I can't tell in the dark, and Bijan is asleep.

Oh well.


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[Siyaahi]

49. ********]

every time I lie nowadays, it makes me feel sick and also kind of guilty.

I bought some shoes today. That was pretty much the only good part. We went to see Merchant, and he was watching this video, and I thought I could handle it but...I couldn't. It

reminded me of the time grandpa put the curse on me

usually the whole council would do it but grandpa did it himself but dar and firuz were there and so was bijan somehow but i dont know how i just remember

i dont really want to remember. im not going to. it didnt happen

anyways the video was about a boy and he was in a warehouse and i think it was actually ian and a bunch of Council members were grabbing him and I had to go it was making me nauseous i couldnt watch it

I ******** hate this how am I supposed to be able to do anything if Im always so sensitive all the time and I even worried Shanta and End

it was not a good day

we also saw Ian later and he was a jerk and being near him made me feel really really sad and it just made it worse but Im good at pretending Im not sad so everything was fine.


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[Siyaahi]

50. Never Have I Ever and socializing

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Eh. At least I looked hella cute today.

We went to Merchant's with Scarlett, learned some stuff about Ian or whatever, then went shopping for candy. I bought a lot, and bought Shanta like handfuls of the one she said said was good. I don't think she really has a taste for candy. She doesn't like lemon serberts!

Then we went to the Diner because somebody or another was hungry and had to sit with Scarlett's friends and we all played Never have I Ever. Gilrin was there. So was this pink haired dude with a really serious face. He had a weird sweater.

Oh yeah, and me and End argued over who was a hero and who was a villain. End thought it was me, but it was obviously him. I also sort of dropped the whole 'I used to be a thief' thing, which he didn't question, which is also hopefully good and might help dull whatever shock might occur when we go to the Spring Festival. Like hey, they can't say I didn't mention it.

Then we ate some food and left. Done. All I did was socialize today, and it was really boring, especially considering Gilrin is a total drag to be around. Scarlett's cool, though. That was it though.


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[Siyaahi]

51. Destruction

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I don't even know where to begin.

The beginning. Obviously. I just...I don't know. Bijan is always telling me to get everything done and freak out later, so that's what I'm gonna do. Maybe.

I was in towns selling, of course, and I went out through the usual alleyway because I was hoping End and Shanta were gonna be there. They were. Shanta said that End thought he failed his test, so I figured I would cheer him up. So I walked straight up to him and smiled as brightly as I could, which isn't hard because I love him a lot. He smiled back a little, so I smiled back wider and then he gave a proper smile.

Then we got into a conversation because I was trying to get Shanta to call me cute, and while she was like 'you look cute every day muna' End said it. I felt really really happy when he said it. It was just...embarrassing. I was trying to convince Shanta using the bunny backpack I got, but then in the middle of speaking she stopped. And...I did too. Because I heard somebody humming.

I grabbed End and dragged him away behind Shanta, and then hid behind him properly myself. It was Vivian, and she was in a good mood. Which..isn't a good sign at all. I didn't say anything because after the last conversation I had with her I was a little afraid to, (but when she noticed me she said I looked cute, which...kind of made me miss her but also made me feel a little uncomfortable for some reason) and End stopped speaking slowly and just...things felt off for some reason. I was worried on why she seemed so satisfied with herself.

Then she mentioned Lara, and the way she talked it sounded like she was dead. I got kind of scared and all I could do was just kind of clutch at End, but...it turned out she wasn't dead. Vivian said that she wished she would have been, though. I don't know how much she really means that, but I know End and Shanta took her seriously. But Ezrael really hurt her after she threatened to leave the same way Peter did. (I don't know if I mentioned, but Peter is the dead guy. And he went crazy the same way Vivian did, so....I just hope Lara doesn't turn out the way. She's apparently able to stand toe to toe with Ezrael.)

Then...Vivian started talking about glad she was that we were here. Which didn't really make sense? And then somehow she wanted Shanta to experience it, and I had a feeling she was gonna do something to Shanta's feather from the way she was acting, and so I spoke up. Then Vivian called me cute, and she said my way was boring. I told her I was, and then she said I was a liar. ....Ugh.

Shanta shot up in the sky when Vivian came forward, except Vivian expected that and shot a density at Shanta's wing, so she just...dropped. And her leg made tihs sick crunch underneath her and I KNEW it was broken and I was really really worried but I had absolutely no idea what to do. I TRIED to catch her in a levitate but it wasn't fast enough. I ******** can't believe myself. I can't believe I did it again. if I wasn't just so inadequate all the time i wouldnt keep making mistakes and making everyones lives worse its all my fault i wasnt fast enough if it wasnt for me then shanta wouldnt havesuffere d

I wasn't fast enough, and I kind of hate myself for it. But let's move on. I didn't know what to do at all, and I had dropped to my knees in front of Shanta, and the feather necklace was on the ground. Vivian was grabbing onto the railing for some reason, and then I realized why--the ground started shaking. REALLY REALLY hard. And then I just...I had NO idea what was happening. Shanta got really really angry and she was yelling at Vivian and I was trying to stay on the ground and freaking out because shaking a broken leg isn't good and then this big, black shadow appeared in the distance.

A dragon. The BLACK dragon.

It came straight for Justus, and Vivian was laughing & smiling and talking about how she hadn't done anything this time, and that she was glad we were in town so we couldn't have interfered, and how it would be bad if we left anything important back at Merlin. I immediately grabbed at my neck, but I had made sure to wear mom's necklace that day. And then Shanta told me to text Marianne to text Merchant, so I did, and...the dragon set the Merchant's street on fire.

For this horrifying, terrible moment, I thought that maybe I hadn't been fast enough. That Merchant was gonnabekilled because of me

And I freaked out about it, I did, but I forgot Vivian was there. So she said that she would go check up on him, which I DID NOT at all, so I was going to follow after her, but Shanta...wanted to go back to Merlin, which was definitely on fire, we could assume. She was freaking out over Mist. And Bijan kind of snapped.

He told her that she was being stupid, and when she told him that it was the only thing left she had of Tara's Bijan started yelling some more about how things disappear and break no matter what meaning is behind it. When he was yelling, it was weird. I...the empathetic connection seemed to block me out, and all I could do was stand there. Shanta didn't leave automatically because of what Bijan said, and Bijan was trying to get us to go somewhere safe, but I was freaking out about Merchant. End had been acting really calm and serious when Vivian appeared but then even his resolve seemed to be breaking, too, and it was probably partially my fault because I was panicking so I feel bad

But then Shanta started flying towards the dragon and everything was so confusing and fast and...Daksha appeared? Then he shot towards us because I guess Shashi told him too, but Shanta flew away.

And then...Merchant appeared, with a really tired looking Marianne. She looked really, really bad. Her hands were skinned and she was shaking and pale all over. They had to get to Merlin, but I NEEDED to check on Vivian because I knew something bad was on the verge of happening and I needed to calm her down. I told End as much, but he really didn't like the idea of me going off. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but End's sister died without him being there, which kind of...explains his whole thing about letting people go off by themselves. I promised him that I was going to come back alive, because I wasn't his sister.

Daksha insisted on going, too, even though me and End kept trying to shove him into the sewer. (He took it like a weenie.) He said he wanted to apologize to Shanta. I kind of had no chocie, because Shashi was the fastest escape route I could think of Shanta going through, and it wasn't like I was going to go running headfirst into the burning part of town. So I got on Shashi and we went off to go visit. Also, Daksha he...wanted to apologize. It wasn't like I was going to say no.

I should have said no.

When we saw them, Shanta and Vivian were facing off against eachother. Daksha got off but I stayed on, trying to convince Shanta to come over here. Vivian was like 'I thought I broke that thing', and I was trying to tell her to calm down but she...she shot this burst of black magic. And Daksha got in the way. I froze up, and it took all I could not to collapse underneath the curse's....habits it's been apparently been reacquainting itself with, and Shanta...she got this, this absolutely terrible look on her face. I put Daksha back on Shashi, and slipped off of Shashi himself. Shanta summoned her sword, and she had this absolutely murderous expression on her face. I knew Vivian wasn't going to give her the time of day, so I...Bijan told Shashi to grab Shanta and go back to Merlin. It took a few times but Shashi finally basically ran at Shanta, and grabbed onto her with Daksha onboard. Then they sped off.

And I was left alone with Vivian. She calmed down immediately, and I basically rushed over to her. I was trying to convince her to want to stay alive, and how the world needed scum and stuff, but she told me that taint was the universe's way of getting RID of it. I asked her lots of things, like if she REALLY wanted to die, but she...she hesitated. So I wonder if she really, really does.

I couldn't convince her. I told her that I would do it, and she challenged me to do it, and dropped her wand. So I...I summoned my scimitar, and I went up to her, and I

Hugged her. I can't do it. I cantdoit I just CANT its not POSSIBLE and she was going to say something to me because she was so shocked but then the dragon roared again. She had called it back over, and she told me to leave. I got a bit away from her when her phone rang. She shooed me off, promising whoever was on the other end that there was nobody left in town and that she would have killed all the students had she ran into them...

And after that, I started running. I put up an improb around myself. The fountain plaza was the most unsafe so I had to go the long way, and I could see the dragon in the sky burning everything to a crisp again. The improb was sweaty and hot and disgusting, and I kept on having to sort of restrengthen in, but it kept me safe. The whole time all I could think of was how I had almost, almost swung my scimitar at her.

The dragon looked like a nasty piece of work up close. I dropped into the sewers in my improb. It was a rough landing, but I sort of bounced so I didn't get hurt or anything. All of a sudden it was...quiet. I took out the improb and all the gross smokey Justus air I was choking on got replaced by sewer smell. Not that I'm not used to it.

I was too tired to jog anymore, so I just walked. And I thought. Bijan usually says stuff out loud just for the sake of doing so, because otherwise it's dead silent between us, but he didn't. I could tell he was tired too. Everything just...felt so unreal while I was down there. Ever since I came to Merlin I've learned to get used to that feeling, but this time it felt like, larger. More worrying. I had a lot of time to think, and the more I thought the more I got nervous, and the more nervous I got the more I tried to think. I get jumbled up pretty easily when I'm overstressed, I guess.

But...I don't know. Everything down there was the same. I knew people's lives were at stake, I knew that most of Justus was going to be burned, I knew that everything was going to be hard for a while. There's a dragon on the goddamn loose, after all. It made me...this is going to sound bad, but it made me wish I hadn't gone to Merlin. I felt tired, and powerless, and like giving up to everything. I think that's what this feeling is. I didn't know at the time, and honestly I was trying to ignore how I was feeling so things could get done, but now that I'm in Lucian and everything is dark and everyone is sleeping I...

Everyone around me seems to know exactly who they are and what their goals are, but I don't really get that. I don't have goals, I've always had the major choices in my life made by other people, I just...I don't know where I'm going. And what if I never find that out? What's going to happen to me when I'm going to be graduating Merlin? End and Shanta are going to be ahead of me, and going on with their own lives, and I'm going to be just...here. Always just there, aimless, unsure what to do and who to do it for. Every standoff with Vivian, every big adventure, it always always ends up the same way. I ran off a lot in the beginning because I felt that at least then I would have an advantage over the others getting places faster, but that kind of thing doesnt even matter or work anymore.

It's just...it's impossible. It was impossible when I was a stupid kid, it's impossible now.

I'm always going to be looking at the backs of others.

It's still raining, and it still smells like smoke a little. I can see End and Shanta near me if I squint. Bijan's glowing in the corner, awake. Silently observing as usual. I'm dry, because of the improb I cast. But it's cold. I hate being cold. I should continue with the rest of the day before I can't stand to do it anymore.

I tried to tell End and Shanta about things when I came back. End told me that it was ok that I couldn't kill Vivian, but I told them that I HAD to, and Shanta was there, but after a bit she just. Told me to stop. Daksha was dead on the carpet, but all I could think was 'at least YOU'RE safe.'

And that kind of thought is the absolute worst. It's EXACTLY that kind of attitude that ruined everything for me in the past.

It's not like I'm not sad or upset about it. I can bring myself to feel that much. I knew his purpose of coming when he came and what he wanted to do before he died. It's a punch to the stomach just knowing that, and it's not one I want to give Shanta.

I guess I maybe don't care a little right now. God, I know it's bad, I know she has it hard, I know I know I KNOW. But IM JUST. I'm not a compassionate person.

I can do is act like I'm chill, I guess. If I pretend myself I am then I eventually believe myself. That's...that's the least. The least I can do.

Naomi came and talked a lot, and mentioned something about giving testimonies or something. Then Ari called me and yelled my ear off for a bit. Then...I stood there. And watched the fire burn everything and everyone run around, trying to force the panic down so I could think properly. End mentioned Tadion, who we had to get out. Shanta still had her broken leg. Yani appeared out of nowhere, freaking out, probably going to End and Shanta because they're Janus co-heads.

I mentioned the Tadion thing again to End, and End told Shanta to stay there and get her leg healed up. I knew she wanted to go with us, and I knew she was irritated with End's attitude, but she went anyways. Yani went with her too, and I went with End to Janus. He seemed really really out of it, and honestly I didn't have big hopes for Tadion's body. But I tore off the ribbon around my waist so at least we wouldn't breath in the smoke, and then this--this scream came from inside.

End gave me this look and immediately went inside. And all I could do was follow after him. It took me a while to catch up to him, especially because I didn't know the Janus dorms quite as well. But nothing fell on me, though I did stumble once among everything. Eventually I caught up to him. He was just...standing there, at the doorway. Then I saw what he was looking at.

Tadion had a face. And a screw in his stomach. The ceiling was in ruins, and End had a face that made him look like he...really didn't know what to do. So I grabbed onto him, and I shook him out of it. I did one thing and he did the other, and together we got Tadion out of there again.

We had to put him on Shashi with Daksha's body, and we took him to Runestream. Runestream sort of looked really doubtful about Tadion surviving, and he sort of called out to End before End just sorta left. I wasn't going to point it out to End, so I just sorta followed after him. And he...he thanked me. For telling him what to do, I guess?

I guess he was worried something was going to happen to us while we were in there. I don't know. I don't...I've never really been thanked by anyone other than Firuz before I came to Merlin, and definitely never in the depth that End goes into it. And I mean, I liked it, definitely, but...I didn't really think it was a big deal. I was going to follow after him.

Then he sort of sat down and curled himself into a ball. I tried to talk to him a little bit, but he didn't respond. So I just sat there next to him and watched people run around and stuff. Ari and Naomi did something weird wit the tree, and these huge beams of light shot into the sky. Then the clouds started coming in, and all of a sudden it started raining. Really hard.

I set up another improb just before it hit. The hum of magic before it started was...strangely comforting, for some reason. I don't know. I think I was just trying to look for something stable to rely on, and the improb kept Bijan alive and me and End safe, so...just, I don't know. I know it sounds really really stupid, but for some reason having it up soothed me a little. It was like I shut out the whole world, like it was something I could rely on while everyone else was being emotionally unstable.

So...I just sat there. And thought, and missed people, and thought. And I felt strangely disconnected with this world of sad people all around me. Out of place. I tried to will myself to shut down too, to let my brain slow down from the overdrive it was in, but for some reason I couldn't. All I could do was think, and think, and think. And not speak.

After a while the headmaster's voice came through to us, and End moved. He apologized for not responding and stuff, and I said it was ok because I didn't say anything important, (and whendo Iever)

and then we got up. End offered to do the improb in case I was tired, and I let him even though I didn't feel tired. We went back to dorms, and I don't know after that. Somewhere along the way I fell asleep.

And I had a dream, except in the dream it was night and my mouth tasted like sand and it was cold, too, but I was in a tent and Firuz was there next to me and he was telling me a story about a sick little boy and I reached out to touch him because he started crying, but I didn't know what he was crying about, and I couldn't hear his voice but I knew what he was saying and I knew what I was going to say but when I opened my mouth I couldnt speak and when I reached out to touch him I couldnt and then

I woke up with my throat itching and sweaty even though its cold

Bijan was awake, too, and he told me to get some water and he told me that everything was ok. So I went to the bathroom and washed my face and drank some water and then I went back to where I was sleeping, near Shanta and End, and I sat there and squinted to see their faces and then I tried to cry.

I don't really know why. I just...I felt like it was a good time to do it. Because I hadn't really gotten to do it while everyone else was awake. I didn't want to, not when everyone else looked so tired and sad. And I was sad and tired too, but after feeling it in the beginning it just went away, so...I didn't really think it was right if I cried. But sitting there in the dark, I really wanted to. For anything. For Vivian, for End and Shanta, for Firuz when he told me about his little brother. But I couldn't. It just....it felt like a waste, and it felt pointless, and I felt stupid.

After a while Bijan reminded me that I still had to write about today, so I snuck upstairs (Ari aired out the dorms) and I found my notebook, which was in perfect shape. And now I'm down here, itching my neck because it feels weird and I guess I know why it does but I don't really want to think about it.

I was burning up when I woke up, but it's really, really cold right now. Maybe it's just me.

All I could think about was how much I was ready to go to sleep when I walked back to Lucian with End in the middle of the rain, but now I can't.

I don't think I'm going back to sleep.



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[Siyaahi]

52. Dirty Work

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I got fed up.

I went to Justus for the sake of being alone with Bijan, but I...didn't really feel like dressing up all cutesy and stuff. I only ever really did it for the sake of my customers, and as a second identity, but there was nobody to sell to and nobody who was going to out me, but...I wore all black and put on my mask just in case. It felt almost nostalgic, walking around with a hood on and stuff again. I had to put a scarf around my neck because the scratching made my skin look pretty bad and if somebody ran into me they'd probably start freaking out, and honestly I don't want to deal with that. It's too annoying.

My throat's just been feeling kind of itchy lately, that's all.

I was dangling mom's necklace above the water. I was thinking about dropping it, and how I could just lie and say that it was just an accident. But then I heard End, and I just stuffed it back into my pocket. Shanta was there, too, looking terribly gloomy. So we stood around, and talked for a while, and I felt incredibly tired because I hadn't gotten any sleep since I woke up and wrote the last entry.

We decided to go the flowershop, because that's where End wanted to go. It was really unstable and everything was burnt on the inside. Shanta was still outside, so I told End to go and give her company, because she's a Janus, not a Lucian. Also, he'd be able to listen to her and offer more...comfort, I guess.

(Also, I wanted to be alone myself.)

I stood around inside for a while, tuning them out and exploring. Everything was in absolute ruins. I just stood there for a while, look at everything that was burnt to bits. I kicked a wall, too, because I was bored and the idea came to me what if the whole place collapsed on me wouldn't that be nice

But the building just shook, and End seemed to notice, so I played it off as me just being reckless. Bijan scolded me inside of my head. He said that he wasn't in any particular mood of dying, so I should stop acting so stupid and just letting the curse have it's way with my brain just because two locks are broken.

I went back outside, and Shanta seemed to be feeling a little bit better. I scratched at my neck past my scarf a bit. Then she told us that she'd be going before us during spring break to visit Daksha's village and give his body back. I don't know how she's going to make it presentable considering it's probably already in a nasty state of decay at this point (actually I don't even know where it is) or how she's going to survive having the whole village not very happy with her, but...that's what she's chosen. We suggested going along, (well I suggested End going along) but she refused. So...that's. That's that, I guess. At least maybe she won't have to confront her parents about things and be without a home. ...Maybe.

I don't even know what End is going to do, to be honest. I was thinking about suggesting him coming back with me over the summer, but...would that be kind of weird? Not to mention he was probably planning to going to Georgia's, and he deserves to be there with all the stuff from his past, and I don't want to keep that away from him by like bringing up the subject and making him feel like he has to come along with me or something just to go along with my whims, but...argh. We haven't had a lot of happy alone time together. I think the last time I kissed him was before that stupid fight Aerykah and Naomi had. But it would be kind of selfish to be like 'hey! pay attention to me! be affectionate towards me!', especially after everything that's happened, so...yeah. I don't really know where we are right now. I mean, we're probably fine? End seems fine? I guess we're fine. I doubt End really cares about that kinda stuff anyways the same way I do, so eh, I won't push it.

And...today, I showed a really really bad side of myself, so...his opinion may have gotten worse of me.

We went to go visit the merchant. He was on the phone with somebody, and he said something about needing money for a plane ticket, so I figured hey its a great opportunity to stop the stupid feeling tugging at the sides of my torso, but he kept on refusing the money. I had to insist for him to take it, but then he wanted an explanation on why it would be better for him to take it, so....me, Shanta and End walked off somewhere.

Bijan stayed with Merchant, though. Those two led me, and I could slowly feel myself stop thinking? Stop...stop doing everything, really. I could hear End and Shanta talking to me, but I couldn't process what they were saying or what I felt about what they were doing. It was kind of like when you go to sleep and know you're not dreaming, and you're just...there, existing, but in this sea of black. Nothing to process.

After a while, I slowly started feeling my senses start coming back to me though, and End/Shanta started arguing about something? I was getting kind of worried, but neither of them were telling me what was going on, and I HATE it when people ignore me or talk about stuff over my head without explaining it to me. Absolutely despise it. So I got a little huffy and went on ahead.

I saw Lara...bleeding? Near a tree. And I went over to go say hi because Santa/End weren't going to explain things to me soon, and I was tryng to talk to Lara but she was just staring at me weirdly. She told me to go look into the moat so I did. Wow, did I look like a mess.

Apparently Shanta did it. I went over to her and I acted all jokingly mad but then I told her I loved it. Mostly because she needed the boost. She smiled at me, which was good. Honestly I didn't really care about the stuff on my face either way. I guess End thought I was going to be upset or something, but come on. Shanta was having a bad day. Also, I didn't really care. The least I could do was act all happy and stuff about it.

I sort of rubbed it off somewhere amongst the conversation we had with Lara. Bijan got really really angry again and started calling her off on all of this stuff, mostly what he says is her lack of responsibility. I think Lara is the one person our opinions haven't collectively merged together over. Usually when we have differing opinions they either mesh and mix together or one wins over the other and we work accordingly.

It's good because I've gotten out of lots of sticky situations because Bijan was able to sway me over with his words really easily (and I follow his instructions without questioning him TOO much because I trust him) but also really, really, confusing. Especially when I first started dating End. My stomach would feel kind of really really sick sometimes because I felt like EVERYTHING was going to go wrong, but then I'd also have these really long periods of time where I was out of my mind in happiness, and I guess eventually Bijan just kind of got swept away with it. The same thing happened with Shanta, too. After the whole stuff with New Years happened, Bijan just kinda...gave up, I guess. So things are cool now.

Anyways, somewhere along the way, we started hearing...something. Lara went to go get Vivian, and of course I was going to follow her. She was INJURED. Something about not being able to stop bleeding and stuff. I told her that it was better if I went first, and she just...it was something she said. Something along the lines that I shouldn't be worrying about the enemy so much. And for some reason it made me really, really angry.

Because...people at Merlin, people at general, they're so quick to draw these lines between who's 'bad' and 'good' and who their enemies should be. And the fact that Vivian was so easily abandoned by everyone, the fact that LARA WAS DYING and she expected me to not care even though she herself had helped us out multiple times? It made me absolutely snap.

I mean like, I KNOW where lines have to be drawn. Where some people have to be labeled as dangerous or wicked and definitely not people worth helping or giving a hand to if they don't have anyone else. But...that time, when I joined Firuz and Aafia and Luay with the mindset that they were my enemies and that I had to...

It makes me sick. It makes me absolutely, irreversibly sick. And it's the exact reason I'll never be able to tell Luay or Aafia that I'm alive, that Firuz can't know either. Because they definitely, definitely hate me.

It's all my fault. Everything that's ever happened, it's all my fault. I'm the villain of my own story, and I just WISH somebody other than me would ******** acknowledge it for once.

I hate thinking about how I used to be, whether it was back then or when we got to America. Bijan never mentions it, either, even though he should really hate me too, because I used to collect fairy wings. And we never talk about it but we both know. When Firuz gave me Parnia at that time, it was so I could rip her wings off and collect them.

Maybe he forgives me because I didn't. At the time he didn't know that's why I had her, I'm pretty sure he just thought I had stolen her away from Firuz for the sake of giving her back, but he definitely knows now. He's never once breathed a word about it. Not even that time when Merchant gave me a whole jar in the beginning of the year.

it makes me want to vomit thinking about much of a scumbag i am

I almost mentioned it, too. The conversation with Lara, I almost mentioned it -- well, I essentially DID. Lara TOLD me that I didn't have the capability to kill Vivian, and then after Bijan let out my thoughts slip she corrected herself and said 'willingly'. I thought that maybe if I promised I could will myself to do it, but...but she was right.

Anyways. I told her to shut up. If I wasn't going to care, then who would?

It shocked her enough into silence to let me go ahead, and I think it did the same to Shanta and End. I went to go talk to Vivian, and she was NOT in a good mood.

I approached her without hesitation, of course, because I knew she wasn't going to hurt me. But she was upset. She accused me about not being able to kill her, and I told her that I could, but it was obvious between the two of us that I shouldn't. And she seemed to have realized that I couldn't because I still liked her. Then she started wondering out loud how to get me to want to kill her without hesitation, and the way she spoke really really scared me.

At first, her eyes went to Shanta and End. And I could feel myself get sick. But then she said that neither of them was any good, and that there was somebody else who I depended on really really heavily and would affect me more than them. Her eyes flew to Bijan.

And I felt myself grow scared.

Bijan was calm. He told her that if she was going to do it she should cast Break on him, because it was the only spell other than Mute that would actually effect him. My mind went blank. I couldn't move, I tried to get Bijan to tell her to not do something like that. She started toying with the idea of pinning Bijan to a wall by his wings in the case that he wouldn't die.

And he just...he just told her to go ahead with it. That he wasn't scared of stuff like that. Maybe it came from being hunted, maybe it came from losing Parnia, but something about his encouragement made Vivian hesitate. I think she sensed something off, which makes me wonder if there...is. If there is something off about Bijan that I've never noticed until now.

But he reassured me through the mental connection, and that was the only thing that stopped me from doing anything rash. He was just trying to get her hesitant. Which I guess makes sense. It's been eight years. Bijan knows every single thing about me, there's no way I don't know everything about HIM, either. I think he just did it intentionally to get her all hesitant, but he really caught me off guard for a moment too.

Anyways, Lara step in. And Vivian...well, her patience snapped. She used this, power or something, and she was really really angry at Lara. Whatever happened, I don't know, it was dark magic or something, but Lara was slammed into the railing. I went over to her because I was worried, and Shanta/End appeared. Lara put this shield around the two of us so we would be alright, even though I was already standing in front of her.

And...Vivian lost interest in us fast after she was done mocking Lara. It was really obvious she was trying to instigate her, but Lara didn't do anything stupid. So Vivian turned to End and Shanta, and she mentioned how she hadn't hurt End before. So I panicked. I tried banging on the bubble shield thing I was in with Lara, but she wasn't letting up. It was kind of hard to hear through it, so all I could do was plead with Lara.

She asked me what I was going to do if I got out. Of course there wasn't anything I could think of, I'm not an Ekat. But I KNEW that End was going to use black magic and I couldn't let him do it, and if he was't going to use it then Vivian was going to hurt him. And so what if there was nothing I could think of to do? I could think of something while I was doing it! Lara may be not one to get into stuff like that if she thinks she can't do anything, but...I don't know. I just had to make sure End was safe.

So, running on pure adrenaline and totally exasperated with the world around me, (because it seems like I've always been the one hiding behind everybody else's back, always) I jumped in front of End. Vivian stopped at the same time End stopped too. I was just in time. End's hand had started to glow back.

Then both of them tried to get me out of the way. And ok, maybe I was kind of acting like a loony, but I was really emotionally distressed. Like...I was just. Done. With everything. Then Vivian threatened me a little, and she shot this bolt of dark magic at me. But I put on an improb and it just bounced off.

She's kind of a hypocrite. She won't hurt me, either. I...hope that means that she still likes me, too.

Then she summoned this sword thing, except the blade was like dark energy. I don't know how to describe it. I summoned my scimitar, too, because at the time I was like OH YEAH WE'RE GONNA SWORD FIGHT HUH WELL YOU BETTER BE READY BECAUSE I HAVE SKILLS. Bijan didn't translate any of that, obviously.

But instead of actually attacking me, the sword sort of...turned into a whip. It started to go past me instead of actually dealing with me. And it made me kind of upset that she would do that. It felt like she was just brushing me off, I guess.

So instead of trying to stop the weird whip thing, I just closed the distance between us. She...didn't even put her guard up, or try to stop me. It took me a second to realign my scimitar the way Darius taught me to, and it had been so so long since he had taught me how, but I stabbed her. Right where it wouldn't hurt her at all.

She seemed to realize it, too. Vivian gave me this look, and I yanked my blade out immediately. I didn't turn to face End or Shanta because I knew their faces were...not going to look good. Lara approached, and she told me that I had managed to not hit any major arteries or organs.

Just like Firuz.

The other two seemed to relax after they realized that Vivian wasn't actually dead, but I couldn't help but feel sick. I would have never wanted Shanta or End to do it, because I'm the one who should be doing the dirty work. It's the least I could do. Hell, its the ONLY thing I can do for them. I'm not. Good for anything else. All I do is hide, and I'm weak. I just. I wish it was ME End and Shanta would rely on for once. I could be the one protecting them, and they'd be facing MY back.

Ugh. I just...I know it's selfish, and stuff, and I know if I brought it up they'd be like oh, but you've helped us before Muna! And probably not totally agree. But it's true. I think the only time they've EVER relied on me was to talk to Vivian that one time, and that was just having a freaking conversation. It's not like I was saving them from anything or helping them out. And sure, it was helpful, but not the way I wanted to be. I want to be a tangible kind of helpful.

Because if it's not one of them always following after me to make sure I 'don't do anything stupid', it's protecting me or saving me or me hiding behind one of their backs. And I guess it's my fault for just going along with it too, but at that time, I was weak. I just wish I wasn't so god damn weak.

Maybe then I'd be the one who could save people.

The shock of stabbing Vivian got to me at the time. I felt really, really ashamed, and like I shouldn't be in the same presence as either of the other two and their good people demeanor. So I told them I was going back to Lucian.

And I took my time getting back.


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[Siyaahi]

53. A day where everyone pretended everything was ok

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I'm beginning to consider that my friend choice is kind of weird.

I went back to Justus today. It...had been a pretty quiet week. I've been staying up a lot lately because all I can dream about is all the things that happened when I was a kid. Spring break is coming soon, and I'm scared.

Otherwise I've been doing fine in my classes, I guess. I still don't know what I'm going to do as my class change. I came here thinking that I probably wouldn't even last through the year, so now that I HAVE without completely flunking out, I'm...pretty surprised.

I don't know what I'm going to do, though. I guess I could become a healer, like Shanta and End are? But I don't really have any...big motivation to. And I mean, they'll be third years and able to heal eachother if they get hurt anyways. So...I'd just be useless in another way. And I don't want that. Not to mention it would be a total waste seeing as how much effort I put into using a marble.

The practitioner route seems to get people the most money, and everyone who goes into it seems really cool. I know there was that one Ekat fourth year who was like, a super genius, and I know there is some guy with metal arms or something going into it too. It seems like a path that Averill would go into, and it's always been a personal goal of mine to make more than my dad ever has and bring financial stability into my home so he can pursue his dreams and mom can stop being a coiled ball of stress all the time. But...I don't know. I don't really have any passion or knack for either alchemy OR chemistry.

The scholar route is a no. Just...no.

Ugh, whatever, I'll just leave it off for later. I should just get started about the day.

I was feeling a lot better for some reason, but Bijan was in a bad mood. I think it's my influence, but he didn't say anything about it and just told me to shut up and 'stop being such a overdramatic baby'. Which I can't help. That's just me.

Anyways, it was pretty obvious he was tired, so I didn't push it too hard. I was in Justus again, though, and it wasn't late at night for once. I was looking into the water and leaning up against the railing when End appeared. I guess we all just sort of naturally drift towards that one area in Justus. Anyways, I went over to him, and we talked for a little bit. I clinged to him, of course, (because it's been a very long time) when we noticed this girl staring at us from far away.

So I waved, because she looked familiar, and apparently her name was Yvonne and she was the girl who flew in on a chicken. Stuff travels through school fast. Shanta appeared after a moment, looking gloomy too, but she seemed to know Yvonne. They weren't close, because Shanta put on her fake smile.

Then we started talking about ages or something, because Yvonne was really excited to see Bijan. I think Nina appeared too? Shanta called Bijan the oldest, but then we all corrected it to End, but Bijan said it didn't really count because End had the mentality of a seventeen year old anyways.

Yvonne also apparently heard about End from Gil (who is a boy now) because she asked how old End would be in mask years. And me and Shanta just.

Stopped.

End seemed to panic a little bit, but holy s**t, me and Shanta were about to TEAR INTO her. That's what Bijan said we looked like we were about to do, anyways. Yvonne seemed to mildly realize her mistake, and me/Shanta corrected her. But god, just....ugh. Mask years? Who the hell asks that? How did it even make sense, considering End is an elf, and not even wearing a mask? Like?

But ugh, whatever. It's not really my place to get irritated. End's the one who has to deal with that stuff, not me.
....It still really, really REALLY annoys me though.

She apologized, and End forgave her pretty much instantly because he's the biggest sweetheart to walk the earth.

Then we go went to see the Merchant. He was sleeping, but all I had to do to wake up him was just blow in his ear. Works like a charm. Everyone else seemed a little worried about what I was about to do, though. Everyone ALWAYS seems to be worried about what I'm about to do. I've pretty much learned to just deal with it because Shanta and End are just...like that, I guess. They've learned a little too, I think. I've been able to go off by myself a little bit more, which I guess means they trust me a tiny bit more.

Anyways. Merchant didn't use the money I gave him. I got Nina to take the wallet, which was super cute by the way, and throw it back into his face. I climbed onto End again to play with his hair (I braided it and Yvonne gave me glittery tiny scrunchies, which affirms that she is just a good person who was misinformed,) so Nina had to do it for me. We argued a lot, but I mostly just played with End's hair. It's very, very nice.

Anyways somewhere amidst arguing with Merchant he went to go take a call. Some 'Tyler' person. Which turns out is that big muscular nice guy I'm texting buddies with. He was like haha about time you asked for my name! Anyways, it turns out he did a video with Merchant. Then he offered to sneak me onto the subscription list, and I was like hey, might as well accept? So I did. Then I informed some people, but of course very vaguely so only Merchant would get what I was saying. Then Merchant freaked out and called Tyler to cancel my subscription.

Then Yvonne? I think? Asked about Merchant's name, which he didn't tell. Then Shanta came back and punched Merchant in the face, which alarmed everybody else. I felt a little bad, but not really. Pain is a great way to redeem yourself in my opinion. Anyways, Yvonne kind of super freaked out about it, and End thought it was too much too.

I guess Shanta WAS really brutal, but I didn't join in on scolding her. She seemed like she needed to blow off some steam, and Shanta does that best by punching stuff.

Anyways my neck was feeling kind of itchy so I scratched at it a bit, and got EVERYONE's attention. I think some of the foundation came off again so I went behind Merchant's cart to reapply it. Then I came back, and I sort of felt like maybe sneaking off, but as soon as I took a few steps back Shanta and End did too.

Yvonne continued to talk to Merchant, I don't know about what. Shanta and End kind of got all up in my business. End kept on insisting that I not tell them anything if I didn't want to, but Shanta kept on pointing out how I kept dodging them. And I mean, it's not like...well, it's not like I don't think that they shouldn't know, but it's just. Really hard for me to talk about that kind of stuff. Especially after everything I did.

But I did think it was a good idea, so...after trying to slip a bit, I agreed to it. But just to make sure I pretended to fall asleep. Shanta picked me up and almost threw me into the water. While I was wearing the necklace.

I panicked, but she caught me in a levitate before it happened, and I was just. Not very happy with her. She did apologize, though. In the end, I just walked back like the rest of them. But...I was a bit too upset to really be in the mood for any explaining. So I didn't.


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