Muna's Journal

[Siyaahi]

12. Cat Cafes

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My main buyer noticed I was down today somehow and gave me a Cat Cafe coupon. He made some joke about me working there after I was done with black market selling and then pat me on the head.

I figured I might as well check it out because it isn't like I'm impartial to cats and I ran into Aerykah along the way. She was injured and mentioned something about a candy store in the catacombs and to never go down there. Welp.

I asked her on her experience with like, relationships and stuff, and she told this story about a guy who she met in a month and asked her out. A month seems pretty fast to start going out with somebody, but hey. She seemed a little uncomfortable and later mentioned that most people thought he was dead or something.

Somewhere along the way I was asking these questions End appeared out of nowhere. I was like WELP and he apologized and yeah. We went off to the cat cafe. The cats really really liked End, and this lady harassed him about some mask cult thing but I managed to get her off his case by giving her fake instructions.

Then, small talk and stuff. Aerykah was cool. UNTIL SHE WAS ALL LIKE 'you two obviously like eachother' and I just froze up because like YEAH I LIKE END BUt he only likes me as a friend. Except she kept staying stuff and End seemed to have just clammed up so I just sort of...snapped.

And basically spilled everything out there. BECAUSE I'M GROSS BUT I FIGURED THAT HE MIGHT AS WELL KNOW YOU KNOW? I'm always keeping secrets around and I just kind of reached the breaking point after the whole 'Oh I like you as a friend' business and yeah.

AND IT TURNS OUT THAT WHEN END TOLD ME HE LIKED ME HE MEANT IT IN THAT WAY AND YEAH EVERYTHING WAS VERY EMBARRASSING BUT ALSO I FELT VERY HAPPY.

He was kind of unwilling to go through with everything because we didn't really 'know' him, and when we got back to school he told us about himself. Like about how his masks works and who he really is. It was kind of fascinating and a little sad I guess. It was an incredibly brave thing of him to tell me about, though.

Nina appeared, asking what was going on and stuff. End seemed to get a bit nervous that she might have walked in and heard her so I diverted the attention by telling her we were dating and she said 'About time.' Wait, what?

Turns out we were really obvious about everything. I don't think End was at all though!! I wish I could have figured it out early on, but then again that might have not been a good idea since End deserves a lot better than somebody gross like me.

End is brave. And honest. He's the exact opposite of me, and I don't deserve him but I'm not selfless enough to reject him so he could find somebody better.

I figured I'd quietly get over him and everything would be alright, but after he said he liked me? No way. I'm not so kind. I know it only adds to the weight of my terrible deeds, but I don't care anymore. I already knew I was a rotten person.

Aerykah and Nina left, eventually. End walked me back to dorms. It was pretty funny when he asked, cause when End speaks he talks like he's unsure of what he wants to say so he'll say stuff really slow at times or stumble over his words.

He said goodnight, I entered the commons and did my best to sneak past the others in the dorm (not because I care that they would find out, but because I'm kind of scared of Ariadne) and now I'm in bed with my marble in one hand (after enough meditation and studying I can make a pretty decent lumos now) a pencil in another and the covers over my head.

I can't fall asleep. I'm happy, but I'm also guilty that I'm happy, but also I don't care that I'm guilty because I'm too happy, but then do I really deserve to be happy but then WHO CARES I'M REALLY HAPPY.

Okay, I'm going to try to fall asleep again because I'm going to be terrible in classes tomorrow. Oh gosh. I'm dating End. I just got to write that on paper. I know there are a million things that could go wrong and Bijan probably does disapprove even though he won't say it to my face but I'll just, like, enjoy this while I can.

Okay. I'm going to sleep.



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[Siyaahi]

13. End Appreciation Day

So, about a while ago me and Shanta decided a birthday for End since he didn't remember his. While we were at the cat cafe it basically became 'Appreciation Day' since End seemed stuck on the fact that it wasn't actually his birthday.

So we went out to Justus because hey, what else are we gonna do. There were a lot of crowds and my (empty) wallet got stolen by somebody I've sold to before but didn't recognize me. I was nervous but they didn't realize it at all.

I'm pretty glad I thought of the whole empty wallet thing, because I've kind of become acquainted with how easily petty crime happens in Justus. It's just a habit that I've had from living in the slums, but End/Shanta seemed a bit impressed. I guess it's partially my fault that the crime rate sprung up since I'm helping the Merchant, but I've always had a habit of making friends with people I shouldn't be.

That's not really something I want to think about at the moment, though. It leads to other thoughts that I also don't want to think about, because I'll end up writing them down and then this whole page of paper will be wasted cause I'll tear it out after reading it over.

Anyways. Somehow we ended up going to look at dumb christmas decorations. In the grocery store. End seemed troubled about deciding what we had to do and suggested just standing around looking at the decorations. It was so cute. ANYWAYS SHANTA MENTIONED THE GROCERY STORE HAVING LAME ONES SO WE WENT TO GO CHECK THEM OUT.

The grocery store was packed, and it's been two weeks, so I thought I...saw Vivian. I blinked, and she was gone. Shanta/End seemed pretty concerned but I brushed them off. I kept looking around for her but she didn't appear again. Bijan kept shooting me these understanding looks but I kind of just ignored him.

We went to the holiday section and I found this weird gold wreath that played English rap, which was weird because Justus is in Wales. Shanta and End both didn't seem to like it very much. End said it didn't suit his tastes and I guess because I used to hear it 24/7 I just found it the most precious thing UGH. Shanta was more blatant with her dislike and mentioned that the song didn't even have a sitar in it.

It kinda reminded me of the Tomas students.

We ended up talking about cars, and I asked them if anyone had made a magic-powered car yet while trying to see if I could get a glimpse of Vivian in the dairy aisle. Then, naturally, she appeared Which was great, but also scared the s**t out of me, but also pretty great. We talked for a bit, but Shanta and Bijan were really wary of her. I fret over her a little bit and Shanta asked what she was doing, blah blah blah. I asked how she was buying food, and when she said fake money Shanta got really annoyed. 'Stealing is stealing' or something to that extent.

I guess I might as well make it clear here. I've shoplifted before. I've looted drunk people stupid enough to wander into alleyways. I've taken up odd jobs that were morally questionable. It's not like I did any of it for fun. I did it because we needed money. It's not possible for everyone to live an honest life, and it's impossible if you live in a place where nobody else does. So I didn't say anything.

Vivian asked what she missed and I mentioned Aerykah coming back. End said 'other things' and Vivian automatically asked us if we finally started dating. Still a bit shocked that everyone basically knew about us, god. Shanta said that I was really obvious about it. Vivian was like oooooh have you kissed yet and we were like 'technically' and Shanta was like it was his mask wasn't it and anyways somehow I ended up kissing End's palm. Basically all of my embarrassment is gone but now that I'm remembering it I'm JUST

Vivian left to go check out her stuff, Shanta suggested that we report her. I didn't want to because she's going through a lot of trouble but Shanta was just kinda angry about that since Vivian joined a terrorist organization. Then Aerykah appeared.

We talked some more about the Blood Pact and how they hadn't harmed the students yet. End seemed a bit on the fence but Shanta said that she preferred if they didn't have the chance to harm us yet. Aerykah bought the wreath and Shanta said that she didn't want Vivian to leave her sight just yet. Aerykah seemed a bit conflicted, saying that she wanted to talk to Vivian first.

Shanta picked up a chocolate Santa. Apparently she doesn't know who he is. End identified him and Aerykah explained his concept, but I basically told her that he was a lie made for well off families. I guess I acted a bit bitter because End seemed a bit worried on whether Santa was a bad experience for me.

GOD HE'S SO CUTE.

Aerykah asked us if we wanted anything for Christmas. Aerykah told End to be honest after he said no but then he said he was okay with how things were and looked at our hands.

GODDD

and then Shanta was like 'oh I thought you would say something cheesy like being with muna is a present in itself'. I laughed but then End commented that it would have been a good thing to say.

GODDDDDDD

End apologized for making me embarrassed but I told him I was happy and then he said that he was happy that I was happy and I continued the string of happy claims and then he stopped it because Bijan was starting to get annoyed. Shanta and Aerykah were both like 'k time to go outside hurry up' and I realized that the two of us had basically just been standing in the same spot the whole time.

Eventually we exited, and ran into her again. Well, more specifically Aerykah caught up and talked to her. Aerykah was really excited and everything seemed to be going well. End seemed to want to give me the candy that I gave him back but I told him it was alright since I still have a lot of bags. (I got on the Parchment for it.)

Then things sort of started getting worse with Aerykah and Vivian. Aerykah scolded Vivian a bit and Vivian mentioned that the Pact had interesting ideas. In between listening in I talked with End about stuff, reassuring him that I'd smile a lot since he couldn't and some cheesy stupid s**t like that now that I think about it. He mentioned wanting to do more for me, but I don't really think that what I'm doing for him right now is that big of a deal.

Aerykah and Vivian continued to escalate. Vivian mentioned that she had a new respect for liars and Aerykah kind of mentioned that she must have the same respect for criminals and I was just. End seemed to notice and suggest we stepped back but I wanted to hear the conversation a bit more.

I asked Bijan to go diffuse things a bit, but before he could get into it Aerykah ended up stomping off. I ran up to Vivian so I could talk to her. I asked her if she was really making her own choices and knew what she was getting into and she said that she did but...I don't think so. I think she was hurt about Aerykah yelling at her since she said that she probably wasn't a Tomas student anymore. I tried to reassure her that she'd always still be 'Vivian' and told her to keep safe before running back to the others. She said she'd be in town a lot, at least.

Shanta said something about a smell that was coming off Vivian and Bijan identified it as taint. I guess I knew it was there but didn't properly acknowledge it because I've smelt it before? I thought it had been myself.

Shanta got the idea of trailing after her, End started getting more upset and Aerykah mentioned that it was better if she went herself. I kind of snapped at them because it felt like they weren't really taking this seriously? I guess their form of playing hero just didn't sit right with me.

So I kinda. Snapped at them a little. We argued for a bit and I asked them what they planned on doing once they got the information they wanted, because they seemed to think that getting it was going to be easy. I mentioned Vivian and they were both just kinda...unfeeling? Which yeah, makes sense, she betrayed people.

But as somebody who has done the same I felt the need to defend her. Especially because it felt that Aerykah and Shanta had just given up on her. It was more than a little upsetting considering that Aerykah had the closest upper/underclassman relationship with her and I expected more out of Shanta, I guess? They actually thought that throwing Vivian to the Council would be a good idea.

I've seen the unfair s**t that authority figures can do and will do without telling anyone about it. Vivian wouldn't be safe there, and because she joined the Blood Pact she won't be safe anywhere. The fact that even Shanta and Aerykah seemed pretty much done on leaving her to the dogs just...made me kinda lose a bit of faith in them. They're better people than me, don't get me wrong, but both of them just see things too black and white for my tastes.

End interrupted our argument by announcing that he wanted to get some air and all at once I realized that I dragged myself into the conversation I had been trying to stop for his sake. Aerykah joined him, and Shanta just told me that she didn't trust her. I told her that I thought they were overreacting because to me Vivian is still the same person she's always been?

She told me that she just found it hard to trust people after they did something that she thought was wrong, and I told her I was glad that she wasn't bound to the curse anymore. I told her that I was going to see the Merchant and went off.

I guess I really felt the rift between me and everybody else when she said that. I realized I probably wouldn't be able to tell Shanta about the things I've done or the full story behind my curse without her looking differently at me. Without anyone looking differently at me. It was one of those moments where I was reminded that all of my friends were better people than I was.

The absolute icing on the cake is that my boyfriend is the best of them. Maybe that's just bias speaking or something. The truth is is that I could probably recover from people distancing themselves from me or treating me the way people started treating Vivian differently (save for Bijan) but End would probably be the toughest out of everyone. I don't even want to tell him the stuff I've told Shanta, because I know he's going to want to help me.

Grandpa told me to take advantage of the people who didn't fully realize what bonding themselves to me would mean, but I can't. do it. He'll find out eventually, I know that, but at the least I don't want him or Shanta or anyone figuring out why I'm cursed or what my curse exactly is. I just hope that the people who do know think it's just a curse to make me mute.

Maybe half of my reason for going off to see Merchant was because he's somebody whose morals are just as questionable as mine. I saw a blonde guy talking to him before I approached him. I asked him about where he got Sol and eventually got him to tell me that there was this guy who notified him occasionally and stayed in the next town over. They either harvest or make it themselves. I basically had to wheedle it out of him (gave him another sandwich) and so when he told me that it was in the next town over I basically hugged him.

He was like ewww don't touch me wah wah but Bijan told him that I wouldn't stop until he hugged me back. Bijan told me to let go of him after he had this weird conversation with him and I heard footsteps when I stopped. It was End! I was a bit happy to see him, but he seemed a little worried on what was going on. I think the Merchant's tonsils were swelling or something and he asked if I wanted to go in the back to check, but he could just open his mouth? He said that he had a malformed tonsil and asked if I wanted to see, but then I was like nahhh cause that would be wasting time when End was there.

End grabbed my hand (It was kind of surprising since usually I'm the one to take his hand) and seemed to tug me a little bit away from the Merchant's trailer-thing since I guess he wanted to leave. Bijan mentioned me dating him and then we just kind of went on our way. End asked if he could come next time with me (I guess he wanted to talk to the Merchant again.)

We had a conversation about Sol and I suggested making it with everybody. Because I want to do whatever I can for Vivian, since I'm really sure that she's being used. End admit that he wanted to help her too. We decided to go back to Aerykah and Shanta. Along the way, End mentioned that if I didn't want him worrying about me he could try to stop it to that extent.

Which I naturally rejected. I don't want End restraining himself for me. Nobody should change themselves for the sake of other people, because relationships are usually very temporary. I told him that it was okay if it was him, because it's just a part of who he is.

I don't want to be worried about by anybody, but I wouldn't mind if it was End. I want him to think about me, I guess. It's selfish but I'm glad I can admit it.

I asked him a bit more on his mask works. He told me that he didn't know if he had a nose or not. I told him that I was pretty sure he was a person, at least. It must be ridiculously hard to not know what you are, but from my standpoint I don't really care what End is. He's himself. That's enough for me.

Oh yeah, and I found out he was ticklish in his sides. A thing I am going to take advantage of from now on. I told him that it was cute and that he would probably make a better princess that I would (princesses are always pure hearted, morally clean types) but then he suddenly got dead serious and told me that I was the cutest.

I hate being called cute because it reminds me that my body's in a stunted state and that I can never, ever work out because it would break one of the 'locks' that keep the curse at bay (which we basically bullshit the ******** to Shanta about how they work) but when End got all serious about it I JUST. OK. I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO GO INTO DEPTH BECAUSE I'VE KIND OF GUSHED ABOUT HIM ENOUGH ALREADY AND I'M BEGINNING TO GET REALLY EMBARRASSED.

It's just interesting to see End get serious, I guess.

Shanta called out to us and End mentioned that he should tell everything to her. Bijan took this chance to give me a very hard look as we went back over to them. Me and End got on the topic of royalty since his body probably is, and I mentioned to him that my mom had to be disowned by my grandfather and that my mom had long pointy ears but I had my dad's short ones even though I used to be royalty.

Anyways we caught up with Shanta&Aerykah. Aerykah looked like s**t and her knuckles had blood on them (Bijan told me that it wasn't hers. As a fairy he can smell and distinguish blood, but I don't think that he ever actually pointed it out to people) and we went back to Tomas Dorms so Aerykah could explain why she looked like s**t.

We went to go make hot liquids and stuff. I made hot chocolate for Aerykah and End revealed everything to Shanta as I brought the stuff over to Aerykah. Shanta was going to make it at first but it turns out she didn't know how to make it. I did because it was one of those really cheap things we could buy around winter in the local gas stations around where we lived and my mom always made it. The heater would usually be broken down or we couldn't bear to expend it too often, so it was sort of a savior in itself. NYC gets really, really really really cold.

I brought Aery the hot chocolate, which she seemed to like. She seemed like she needed a hug so I gave her one and just kind of played with her hair a bit. Tactile stuff is the only thing I'm really good at considering I can't really communicate with people. She broke down a bit, and I was kind of reminded of my mom so I just did to Aerykah what I would do for her. (My mom is a super tough lady, but dad coming home was a bit of a rare occurrence in itself and we'd be left alone. She had a lot weighing her down, and tough people break down occasionally, so I tried to comfort her when she accidentally did it in front of me.)

Shanta and End came back. Aerykah told us about her ex and what he had become, and it was just a sad story overall. We comforted her as best we could, and for a moment everyone seemed to see through Bijan's charade of being an a*****e. He panicked but the conversation switched so we were okay.

We talked about taint, among other things, Aerykah promised us that she was still on our side, and we eventually decided to call it a night. End walked me back.

Everyone was asleep when I got back to Commons, and so me&Bijan decided to do our regular maintenance in the commons. It was a bit scary to do it in such a risky place, but I couldn't hole myself up in the bathroom and do it. The Problem has been acting up a bit strangely since me and Bijan started ******** with the Locks. I shift between really tired some days and so much energy on other days that my biological clock doesn't really acknowledge night time.

We just wanted to see what would happen if we started messing around with the one thing that we weren't supposed to. The results...are weird. We deliberately instigated the whole word-writing effect and Bijan checked over me, but everything was the same. Including the altered parts. Bijan said that they seemed to have moved faster, though. Neither of us know what that means.

At this point, I don't know what to do, and neither does Bijan. Go back to the plan we had been determined to stick to in the beginning of the school year? But that's impossible now that we're on the verge of cracking one of them. And also very troublesome considering all of the effort we've put into it.

Bijan reminded me especially today not to tell anybody more than what was bound to get out. He's easing up on the secretive part a little bit as we get further into the 'lock' we're working on -- it seems kind of impossible at this point to keep it from everyone what the 'Problem' is. But the details are the important part, and those at least stay with us.

I am very tired of lots of things.




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[Siyaahi]

14. Storytime (And how I basically had a panic attack in front of my boyfriend but hey at least we didn't ******** up the book this time)

A day that slowly turned into s**t.

Met with End and Naomi after coming back from Justus. I got hit with a bat with some nails in it and got this really nasty forehead scratch that End nearly had a hernia over. It was too bothersome for me to deal with it though, and I asked Naomi to show us to the library since she's an Ekat student because I figured like it was a good time to figure out End's nationality.

Naomi was messing with her phone and stuff and me/End thought she was texting her grandma or something. We went to the library and she did her own thing while I shoved books in different languages at End.

He seemed to get more unwilling as we continued, and seemed to get more apologetic, but I was determined in the same way he kept on insisting on taking care of the wound on my head. I got blood everywhere, but we finally managed to figure out that End's body was Lithuanian.

It was pretty exciting!! Really exciting, actually. End suggested that we go at the end of the year there, but I think it's better if we go as early as possible. I mean, the first semester is almost over but so much stuff has already happened. It's better to do those sorts of things now before anything bad happens. Anyways, we went back to the courtyard and I saw Averill. Which was a little surprising, since I never manage to see him around like anywhere.

We talked for a little bit. Averill and End awkwardly got acquainted to eachother (it was kinda weird that they hadn't met until now actually) and Naomi came back with a book of welsh fairytales. I asked Averill what he knew about Lithuania and Naomi asked why and I was like 'oh it seems interesting to travel to' and the general consensus seemed to be that it must be a shitty tourist spot.

Bijan asked about Naomi's book and she flipped to this last illustration that had a clock tower. It reminded me too much of my own story so I tried asking for the page, but then Averill/Naomi got on my case about ripping out a page from a book. It's literally a book that can be reproduced again and Naomi mentioned that the page hadn't been in there the last time she checked out the book, so I legitimately didnt know what the problem was.

I ran off to go get my own story book because i was kind of wondering what exactly was going on, and when I came back I wanted to compare the clocktower in my story to the last page in Naomi's. Except when I got back Averill apparently thought that we were going to go back into the story and got all upset. I tried stopping him and telling him that we wouldn't before I cleared up my actual intentions (which I'm beginning to think are rather hard to get through to him so I'm a little surprised he's still talking to me but I personally think the guy is pretty cool so no skin off my back)

Anyways he went off before I could properly stop him and so I was like hey, what the hell, might as well go in if that's what he thought we were going to do. Naomi made some comment on how easy I was willing to adapt or something but going into the book wasn't even my intention in the first place soo

We went in. Oh, yeah, Aerykah somehow came in sometime before this so she was there too when we entered. Except something was really off. We went back into the church/clocktower area and when I went up to the clockmaster to touch him he dissolved into a skeleton. It was disturbing enough to remind me of certain events that happened at a certain time when I was in a certain set of circumstances and I guess I froze up? Because End came over and Aerykah puppet-ed the skeleton as a joke. It was pretty nice of them, considering I was just being a sensitive baby for reasons they don't really know. Now that I properly think about it, the small circle of people I talk to more often than everybody else are pretty considerate people.

We were going back down the stairs. I was with End for support, but Naomi said some s**t to Aerykah and things got really tense. I could tell Aerykah was about to do something stupid, so I left End to tell Naomi that I wanted her around because I felt worried for my safety. She agreed to it pretty readily, I'm guessing because I was the only one who was familiar with the story in the group.

I guess I didn't really properly explain what we were doing. Instead of collecting regular pages we were finding blank ones, and the whole world was gray and empty. No people in weird time loops, no nothing. Until we got to the castle. I don't remember what happened exactly -- I do know I snapped at somebody. I think it was Naomi cause I remember telling her that it wasn't like she really cared so we should just go on ahead. I left Aerykah to End because I know for sure that End is a lot better with cheering up people with words than I will ever be and I kind of just wanted to get down to business more than tend to emotional wounds.

Me and Naomi headed into the castle and to the princess's room since the last page was on the balcony. I told her that I would distract and for her to be careful but she was all 'muh muh I'm the third year' and stuff. My pride puffed up a bit and I kind of told her I could probably handle myself better than she could, which now that I think about it was kind of a stupid thing to say considering what happened later.

Naomi entered first and she got the Princess's (who I am just going to call P because I'm really lazy right now and I've been pushing off this entry for lots of reasons) attention. P mentioned something about eating hearts and I was like yup, time to enter and see if I can sneak past them and get the page. I tried keeping to the walls to keep myself unnoticed but it worked absolutely not perfectly.

We had a very nice and by nice I mean absolutely terrible conversation. I asked if she'd rather have my heart instead of Naomi's but she basically told me that she didn't want to eat mine because it was shriveled and black. Which, I mean, is a thing I know, but also not something anybody wants to be told from a cloaked heart-eating storybook villain. I kept her distracted for a bit, in which she seemed to somehow things about me I kind of wish the others hadn't overheard and where I basically told her that she could take my life if she wanted to. She called me a 'cheater' (which isn't something I can deny) and I told her that it made both of us, and then I got attacked.

That's all there is to it. It was a conversation that Aerykah and End walked into and one I wish they really hadn't, but it's something I did and would have done again if it meant that it was me she attacked and not the others. I struggled against her for a little, but then End was there trying to get her off and I didn't want her turning on him so I tried to get her to stay on me. She looked really gross when everyone really saw her -- like this half rotting corpse. This whole time she was basically clawing at my chest and she kept telling me that I didn't deserve what I had and I just...gave up on getting away. Because I agreed with her, and she got to me. Especially when she had wondered earlier on whether or not people would still like me if they knew what kind of person I really fully was.

And I know it sounds ridiculous for a Lucian to give up so easily when somebody is saying something like that to their face, but I've grown up throwing those words back in my face and having them repeated to me every time the Problem acts up and I cough up taint. It looks painful to outsiders, but it takes a toll on your psychosis too. I didn't think I was scum or that it would just be better if I died when I was eight years old. It was the curse that told me that when I coughed up taint. It's kind of weird, actually. When it happens it's nothing like a voice speaking directly to you more as it is concepts or words that somehow end up in your thoughts when you think you're in too much pain to think about anything. To hear some of your biggest fears placed out in front of you and the constant stuff you're thinking about to yourself out loud was enough to get me to think 'well, it's not like I think she's wrong,' and then my resolve just wore away after that.

Somehow, Aerykah and Naomi managed to get her off. They used a boulder and my clothes got all stiff with this spell. The boulder bounced off of me but smashed the princess through the floor, and somehow we were safe. Save for the huge gaping wound I was hiding from the rest because of the Problem giving me this weirdish black bruise. I didn't want anyone to see it, especially End. Aerykah approached me eventually because she wanted to tend to my wounds, and she almost freaked out about the bruise before I motioned her to shush. And she did.

She used her vest as a temporary solution, and it was pretty hard to move for a little bit. My threshold for pain is pretty high, but man. End and Naomi were talking about something in the corner, and I was just kind of watching when End's mask just kind of.

Fell off.

I immediately rushed to go get him (a VERY STUPID MOVE it HURT) and helped retie him to himself while Naomi nearly had an aneurysm. Her reaction was really, really rude, but I think the worst part is that End was trying to apologize to her and accommodate her. Like, if she's going to be rude then she doesn't deserve to know s**t. But End thought otherwise.

We went back to the clocktower for reasons unknown to me because I was kind of busy thinking about how much my chest hurt and the things the princess said. They wanted to go see the clockmaker again and I wanted to come along up the stairs, but Aerykah insisted I stay down and they just went on ahead of me. Save for End, of course. So we were alone and I was emotionally compromised after what the Princess had basically said to me.

and End was just...so supportive? He was so absolutely willing to hear me out that I legitimately thought I was going to like vomit all over our shoes or cry or somehow manage to do both at the same time. I started panicking and signing 'sorry' a bunch of times, and End just kept on going and finally I just told him I was cursed. (You know what? This is my personal journal and nobody in this school can read Farsi. I'm just going to start calling it as it is in my journal because it's literally the only place I can call it that without having to sit on the floor in a ball for five minutes as I feel words engrave themselves beneath my skin like somebody was digging a quill into me while telling me to go ******** myself at the same time.)

As soon as the word left Bijan's mouth I felt it, and I was on my knees faster than I'd usually get. It was a little embarrassing and I could hear Bijan yelling at End about something, but I don't remember what. Just what was writing itself on my arms and the MAJOR migraine pounding through my head as I was reminded just what the answer to my curse was.

When I came to End was oddly silent and Bijan's facade had slipped away just a little bit. I was on the edge of fainting at this point and End stopped stuttering and speaking slowly for a bit. He seemed a little bit angry about something? I'm. Unsure what.

In any case, Aerykah came down and we went outside to watch the clock move. Somewhere along the way I basically asked End permission to faint in his arms because I was feeling really, really tired. He gave it because he's a sweet heart and I went out like a light for like, three minutes. Then I heard this loud BONGGGGG but I was way too tired to realize what was going on so I just kind of squinted at End. He had me in a princess carry again. He really seems to like that specific form of toting me around. Not that I've got any problems against it. I like physical contact. Especially if it's with End.

I don't really remember what I said, or what really happened. All I know is that the clock moved and suddenly the world gained back it's color and all the story's characters started flooding up the place again. I was stuck between feeling like I was supposed to be very, very anxious and just not caring because I was feeling kind of weak.

We came back to the courtyard, and I went back to sleep again after people said bye. It was a sort of fitful sleep so the next time I woke up I was in the nurse's office. I was really tired but I'm pretty sure I was just acting like a spoiled brat. Which I am totally not apologetic for. Might as well take advantage of End's angelic self before he comes to his senses and realizes how big of a piece of s**t I am.

I think somewhere along the way I might have ordered him to sleep together with me in return for him setting me down on the nurse's table-thing, which I'm kind of embarrassed about but also mostly glad about. When I woke up this morning I was very comfortable and very warm. I was basically clinging to End like he was some human body pillow. It was a surprisingly unremarkable morning considering I didn't wake up in dorms, but when I came back Ariadne was pretty much cool with it.
Something along the implied, passive aggressive lines of 'as long as I'm not getting waken up in the middle of the night because somebody is crashing through commons.' except in sweeter terms and said much more terrifying.

So I'm in commons now, taking a break to properly write this entry. Recalling everything just kind of made me super anxious again. I know by this point I'm probably super suspicious, but if nobody acknowledges it out loud or demands for more information I don't care. I know End was going to have to find out eventually.

I think one day I'd be able to tell him the real full story (the story I summed up in a nice innocent summary with some major parts missing out of it to Shanta) because I think we're surprisingly in common? Though I don't think his 'curse' is the same thing as mine, nor an actual one seeing as he doesn't know the answer to it. Knowing how to break it is how curses work. I say 'I think' because I know End would want to help me because he wants to help everybody and I'm not going to shove my matters onto anybody else. Especially not after the ABSOLUTELY AMAZING effects it had on Shanta's wellbeing. Like, uh, no. This was my problem when I got it and it'll stay my problem alone.

(Well, I mean, save for Bijan, but he's always been the exception.)

Well, deep appreciation for Bijan aside, that's what happened. Bijan seems to have gotten into one of his moods about the locks and is ordering me to take less care of my physical health from now on. I dunno how effective that's gonna work out considering we're in Merlin, but it would be dangerous if I ended up starting to gain muscle.

Time to go out, I guess. I should probably be studying or meditating. I think if I try to stretch out my magic capacity as far as it can go I'll find casting spells easier. It's worked so far for me.




✕✕✕✕✕

[Siyaahi]

15. I caused an earthquake (which is pretty funny if you think about it)

Me and Bijan were wandering around the Great Hall again. I mentioned to him the idea of asking the Merchant for some charm that can simulate the thing I need and he absolutely went nuts about it. He doesn't want to try until we are absolutely sure of the effects, which is a little silly considering he's been pretty lax on the idea of messing with the locks.

Luckily Bijan doesn't say everything I'm telling him out loud when we're alone (because that would be stupid) so when End appeared out of absolutely nowhere we were both okay. It's a good thing, too. since End has that thing where he always wants to help people.

Which kind of came in when Naomi appeared out of nowhere in this get-up. She said she was gonna excavate the tunnel we found way back in the beginning of the year, and of course End wanted to help. So we just kind of ended up following after her.

We reached this area with some ruins in it, small talk here and there. Naomi was apparently planning on just removing the rocks up to the tunnel one by one, which I found ridiculously boring. So I was like 'hey, wonder what would happen if I slapped some taint onto these runes here' because there was no way I was just going to stand there and watch Naomi pick up a bunch of rocks. (like Bijan would allow me helping seeing as lugging so many could make me start gaining muscle)

So I strained my vocal chords just the tiniest bit and pushed back against the lock a tiny bit more and coughed into my hand. The stuff doesn't actually do anything to my skin since it's a part of my body, so me and Bijan can touch it without any worries. I hate touching it in all honesty, but you get used to some things after doing them enough.

So I just kind of uh, wiped my hand. And then the whole place started shaking. Bijan called me an idiot and Naomi immediately ran into the tunnel. She made this comment on how we should get to a better area too since it had been a while since she saw an earthquake in this area of the catacombs.

A chronically sick fifteen year old boy caused an earthquake with the use of his gross evil black phlegm. If that's not funny I don't know what is.

This huge rock then took that moment fell down into the piece of ground just next to me, and End jumped. He was trying to tell me be careful when this pebble slammed into his skull. THERE WAS BLOOD.

I took that opportunity to drag him to where Naomi was. I didn't have my aid kit on me but I found the handkerchief I sprayed some perfume on for when I go out into Justus to sell (It was Charlotte's because I am absolutely certain that Ari would have found out somehow if I used her fancy stuff) cause I had accidentally stuffed it into my pocket without realizing. I tried getting the blood off with that as Naomi basically attempted to sneak away to the break in the hall that we had ran into a long time ago.

Except this time she seemed absolutely unwilling to go over it with End's help? Especially after Bijan went down and saw that there was this river through the hole. Then Bijan argued with her a bunch and finally just told End to force her across the ledge, which he did. Bijan sort of has that effect on people when he tells them what to do.

By this time I was kind of pissed, cause she kept calling End a parasite and stuff. She told us that we'd have to convince her to get over the ledge, and Bijan argued with her a bit more. I think she helped us because End tried explaining himself a bit more...? Though she used this weird rock thing instead of her wand cause she didn't know where it had gone.

Once I crossed over I found it and went to go get it (because like hell was I letting End near a ledge after he explained to me the whole slippery rock beach thing) and acted a bit difficult towards her before kind of just throwing it in her face. Like I said. Angry.

We eventually went down to the falls, I found a finger bone, Naomi did this weird bubble thing around Bijan so he wouldn't die amidst all of the humidity. End tried to reason that Naomi had the right to define him as what he was (which I think I pinched him for, I don't remember) and when we went down I slid around the floor a bunch.

It was super fun. Naomi dropped Bijan off where the humidity was less terrible while I slid around for a while. It was kinda like skating, but then I fell. End was helping me get up when I accidentally slipped a bit further and hit Naomi's ankle, so she ended up falling too.

Which was apparently a bad thing, since it's salt water and she went all fish mode again. She couldn't breathe, so me and End moved her into the pool. He was surprisingly firm about it. Naomi went full fish, and kept telling us to go and stuff.

End ended up feeling pretty guilty about tossing her into the pool since she said that it hadn't helped her at all. Ah, I forgot to mention. When we dropped her into the pool I sort of felt this weird urge to follow her. Which is weird because I don't know how to swim. But it turned out there was a reason for that.

We ended up waiting on the other side of the warp tile for a while until Naomi came back. Her hair was green but she seemed mostly fine, so she basically explained her deal to us. She seemed to warm up a little to End and sort of apologized to him because she was a freak too, though she seemed a bit wary about me telling other people about her whole thing.

Which, I wouldn't. One: I'm pretty sure she's formed her own conclusions about my own s**t so it would kind of be unfair and Two: I don't hate her? Her treatment to End just really pissed me off. So we went back.

Naomi left first, so I was alone with End again. He apologized about the whole morning thing and I told him it was fine. Somehow by the end of it we decided to sleep over at eachother's dorms together. Which is something to look forward to. When I wake up alone in the middle of the night it reminds me of...things. So I think sleeping with End would be a nice change.

It's going to be a bit weird to get used to at first though, waking up and getting confused on who the person I'm clinging onto like a leech is. (because that other person was less well fed and more well built.)

Anyways, I'm kind of happy about it. I feel really relaxed being around End. Like there isn't a constant need to filter what I say to make it sound less harsh and I don't feel like I'm forcing myself to socialize when I'm with him. I like him. I really, really like him.

Ew.



✕✕✕✕✕

[Siyaahi]

16. A day of many things and nothings

Decided I might as well go to the courtyard to do my homework and read the storybook. I've been feeling kind of weirdly attached to it ever since we finished the last story.

Met with Shanta. She looked like s**t. End popped out of nowhere too. It's kind of weird how us three always end up in the same places. Anyways, I pointed out how bad Shanta looked and she basically told us that she hadn't been sleeping. We were a bit worried for her but she kept on insisting that she was fine and just a bad sleeper.

'I'm fine', of course, is a term used by liars. Which I pointed out. End insisted that sometimes it wasn't, but I think it doesn't count for Merlin students. Anyways, Shanta ended up falling asleep.

Bijan seemed to be getting impatient with all of the random small talk and pointed out the lamp, (I think Aerykah appeared at this point while Shanta was asleep, man she appears at the weirdest times) which he was wary of at first but then decided was better than just standing around watching Shanta asleep.

Shanta muttered something about a 'Shashi', which turned out to be her carpet. She woke up herself, though it kind of looked like she was having a nightmare. She mentioned that she had gotten the lamp free at an antique store, which makes ABSOLUTELY ZERO ******** SENSE. Antique stores don't get that much traffic, and even if they did they wouldn't give away anything they could try to play up as something better than it was. They were totally trying to get rid of the thing, but nobody seemed as worried about it as I was. Bleh.

Uh, somehow I ended up showing off the most recent junk the Merchant threw onto me. It was this one-use love charm in the form of a ring. First somebody suggested using it on End (which I absolutely refused because End doesn't deserve to be treated like a guinea pig) and then Bijan. (Who got pretty nervous.)

But then Aerykah said that she needed to use it on the Merchant to find out stuff about her ex boyfriend or something. Woo emotionally heavy requests. It wasn't like I could refuse her, but I tried to get her to cover my a** for it. I do like the Merchant fairly well, after all.

So we went into Justus. I went to the Merchant first. I gave him his sandwich and mentioned this rumor I've heard about a siren suppressor. He told me he would get back to me on that. We talked a bit more (End seemed pretty nervous) and then I just kinda waved bye because Aerykah needed to do her own thing.

By the way, the Merchant has gotten this weird habit of taking photos of me whenever I dress up like a girl. I was asking him if he was making an album before I didn't have to sell things for him anymore, but his response was kinda vague. Weird.

Anyways End seemed really firm on getting away from there. We had the most hilarious conversation (apparently End didn't think I knew what sex was or something to that extent, which cmon, I'm a fifteen year old boy from the slums) but he seemed pretty uncomfortable with the whole thing so I decided to go back to the cart myself. End ended (haha) up tagging along as well in the end.

Bijan said he was all weird about the convo because apparently I'm really dense when it comes to sexual innuendos and stuff. I dunno.

Anyways we listened in a bit while Aerykah and the Merchant talked. Apparently she got the charm on but the Merchant wasn't looking at her, so I tried slamming into the Cart so the Merchant would look up. It didn't work at first, so I tried doing it together with End. He seemed kind of hesitant about pushing me against it, (meanwhile the Merchant and Aerykah talked, apparently the Merchant is dealing with the Blood Pact which I mean not a big surprise, and James or whats-his-face was the Merchant's friend but apparently he knew he was alive and told Aerykah he was dead? I don't know, I don't really care personally) but he actually managed to do it.

Except he kind of ended (haha x2) up falling on top of me. So we were stuck in a pretty weird (and a little cliche if I think about it) position when the Merchant came to look at us through the window. Except he looked at End first.

I TOTALLY DIDN'T REALIZE THE LOVE CHARM WORKED because the Merchant mentioned something about End having good biceps? So I was trying to see if the Merchant was being real because hey, muscles, but End was getting really flustered. Then Aerykah came over and suggested we get out of there and it suddenly became apparent to both me & End that the Merchant was masturbating.

EW? EW. EW.

We high-tailed it out of there. End was mortified, the poor thing, because I think he felt like he did the body he's using a crime, and I was just angry because my boyfriend just got ok I'm not even gonna write it out cause I'm gonna get angry again.

I didn't even think the love charm was gonna WORK, god.

Anyways we were just standing around, Aerykah looking a tad gloomy, when I noticed somebody near the fountain. So I announced that I was gonna go pee (basically my go-to excuse for anything whenever we go into Justus) because I saw a rather familiar figure standing near the fountain.

Miss 'Freya', or more specifically, one of the Blood Pact members who was at the halloween event. I clarified my gender and was about to ask her about Vivian when the rest of the group appeared. End seemed nervous and Aerykah was steaming. Which I thought was a little dangerous.

Still, it basically became clear that they were manipulating Vivian. Apparently they hadn't made it so Vivian wouldn't get all taint-y and gross if she used black magic, so they were still looking around for Sol. I just wanted to know if she would be able to come back from the point of no return.

Somewhere along the way, Aerykah got angry enough that she ended up storming off. I think she wanted to have a louder confrontation (I guess Vivian's disappearance did hit kind of close to home? well, good) and I guess it might have been partially my fault since I was just sort of having a conversation with the enemy.

I dunno. I've always had a soft spot for criminals. Especially since hi

But I mean, 'Freya' didn't really seem like a criminal to me. She seemed genuinely kind of sorry for what they were doing to Vivian. And, uh, when the rest of them left, I was kind of curious, so I asked if black magic could break a curse.

It would apparently be possible without repercussions once 'Freya' said they finished their mission. I didn't ask about their mission, but she sort of offered for me. Which, naturally, I refused.

Muna Nejem doesn't ask for help.

Or take charity. The fact that I'm getting clothes from him doesn't count. It's not like I have the ability to return them. And I guess in a way I wear them because I've only responded once to his letters. (and that was with body measurements, nothing else.)

He's been telling me about how things are going. I want to say that I don't care about what he tells me, but to be honest I do. I think that's the worst part.

Anyways. She wished me luck with the curse, and I basically told her I wish I could tell her the same but I just couldn't. So we broke ways. I went back to the group (Bijan muttering something to me about how he really thought for a second I was going to accept her offer) and Aerykah was super upset so we ended up going back to the dorms.

Uh, Aerykah left by herself, and we just ended up going to Janus dorms to hang out. I changed in pjs after taking care of a few errands (aka a few orders) but got there first. We ended up messing with the genie's lamp. This really sarcastic djinn came out, and apparently it only answered selfless questions.

End seemed like he wanted to ask something, but seemed to nervous to do so. Bijan warned against actually asking anything. The genie asked me, too. I mean of course I have wishes. For End to feel a bit more sure about himself, for Shanta to stop pretending like everything is ok and taking on everybody's weight on her own shoulders, for Aerykah to have some peaceful time on the constant emotional rollercoaster that seems to be her life. Mostly I have wishes for myself, obviously. But it's not my business to go deciding things for others based on what I think is right for them, and everything I want for myself is...complicated.

I mean, if I genuinely thought I deserved something, I would prefer to go fulfilling it by myself anyways. People are more willing to appreciate hard earned things, right?

Anyways I ended up falling asleep in End's lap because the genie was boring as ********.

When I woke up it was gone. Shanta went up to sleep, we messed around with Shashi for a little while (it was kinda like a cat) and Naomi appeared to fetch Nina. She looked really tired, and Nina kept hiding from her. I pinged a few keys on the piano, which seemed to only get her angrier. "Stop pressing keys, you filthy casual!" Was basically what she told me before she shoved me out of the way to play herself.

Anyways, Naomi/End/Nina went over to the couches to talk about whatever while I kind of messed with the Janus seal a bit. I've messed with the Lucian snakes but it just kinda hisses at me. (I think because I tend to come into dorms late.) The wolf growled at me a bit, but then I somehow ended up playing catch with a seal. It was pretty cool! The ball was this little white dot.

Eventually I left it to go sit over with the others, and I asked End to tell a story. It was as hilarious as I expected it to. The story was about a king named prince, and it basically just ended up with the king being named prince again, I think. I don't really remember how it went, but it was ridiculously funny. End seemed a little worried about me laughing though. It is kind of dangerous, but it's not like I can help it. It's been a while since I laughed, so hey, I can do what I want. Even if it might potentially harm me.

WHICH IT THEN PROCEEDED TO DO.

It started raining, right. So I ran outside because I really, really like the rain (ozone smells really nice and it washes away the stink of the city and makes everything feel clear afterwards) except I slipped on the mud. Then I just kinda ended up lying there with End as Naomi's hair got all shiny. Apparently she doesn't need soap to shower or something. Sounds pretty convenient if you ask me, if you aren't the type to constantly bathe in rivers anyways. Nina seemed a bit grossed out by that.

Anyways, End once again said something hilarious, and I accidentally burst out laughing. Which was about as a good idea as you might think. I was basically in a state of panic without Bijan there to tell me what to do, so End (bless him) led me back inside. Bijan came with me to the bathroom, and I proceeded to cough all of my guts out gross tar-phlegm style.

It's almost funny if I pretend like it isn't one of the most painful, worst experiences in my life. Like, laugh? BAM YOUR GUTS ARE ON THE FLOOR. Breathe and accidentally make a sound? BAM YOUR GUTS. Strain your vocal chords just mildly? BAM.

The best way to deal with pain is humor, or something. That's what I was told once, by that 'somebody' who I'm getting dangerously close to acknowledging. I'll stop.

Naomi, unfortunately, mentioned the c-word. Which Bijan got kinda angry about, but I also kind of expected her to figure it out by now. I mean, she's not an idiot. So I was stuck in there a bit longer.

Not as long as usual, though. Which has been causing Bijan some worry. The 'round' took longer to write itself all over my body, which means that it can make multiple rounds and do it's job when the locks break. I think it just means that the one we've been working on is getting closer to breaking.

Anyways. Came back out after cleaning myself up. End was major upset when he saw me. He asked if he could do anything for me. Which was kind of a terrible thing to ask after I finished being gross, because I could feel the curse just beneath my skin urging me to do it. To tell End just exactly he could 'help' me.

I told him he couldn't. That's that.

Naomi gave me some tea, surprisingly. I basically stared at her for a little bit, and was loopy enough to tell her that she was nice. Which, I mean, she isn't in a conventional way. I had basically met with the fact that I was a terrible person after talking to End so I guess I kind of realized how honest she is? I mean, she's an absolute a*****e who basically only cares for herself. But at least she's straight up about it. I'm an a*****e who only cares about himself too, but I can't even be honest about it.

Anyways. She ended up leaving. I don't really know whether Nina left the dorms or stayed. I stayed with End and offered to give him clothes later. I don't really remember anything else. I'm too tired.




✕✕✕✕✕

[Siyaahi]

17. Summary

Ok, so I kind of spilled tea all over my journal and had to take out a few pages, but for the sake of posterity I'll list things on how they happened because I am way too lazy to properly write about any of this.

>The next day I went out to the forest with Naomi/Nina/End to go play with Carrmin. I was supposed to be the seeker but ended up getting lost. Nina found me and I got to watch as End/Naomi escaped from a bunch of wolves. Apparently End had ran straight to them after Carrmin mentioned me wandering over to them. Shanta appeared and Naomi/Nina left. We went into the storybook. A story about a magical mirror this time. It didn't go well.

>Day after that I go back to courtyard intending to fix the story myself. Shanta/End discourage me at first. I don't know why I want to go back in there. I just feel like it's my duty to. Anyways they ended up tagging along. We wandered about the story and eventually fixed it. I nearly saw myself in the mirror that showed what your 'deepest void' was but managed to move before I saw all of it. Anyways, we fixed the story. I saw 'him' for a moment but it doesn't matter.

> Meet End and Shanta in Justus after finishing up deals. Shanta says something suspicious but I don't get to find out what it is. Talk to Merchant for a while and another member of the Blood Pact shows up. Apparently Vivian is doing okay. I don't believe him, but he does tell me a bit about her. A lot more hostile than Freya was. Apparently they need to 'contact hq' and he had a jar of sol. Also, Vivian mentioned me? Shanta falls asleep, mentions a 'Tara', we went back and I decide to start bringing the Merchant a drink with his sandwich.

> Go to Naomi's house. Everything is suspicious. Averill is kind of annoying that day. I mostly just stand around and zone out. Second day we're locked in for a bit and then we aren't. Cati is apparently a wizard and finds out we are. Run away from her and find Naomi in the secret 'fifth floor' taking some info about the Blood Pact or something. Ari appears out of nowhere. Huge chase thing. Naomi jumps off a cliff. Me/Nina/End just kinda stand around until I advise Nina/End on what to do. Ari takes the most action and faces off with Cati. I make an illusion and Ari catches Cati off guard with it and Cati falls into the ocean. We go down to the beach in a fancy car with scary people via Ari. Oh yeah, I guess Ari is Naomi's previously mentioned girlfriend. We go back.

> A little tiny fight with End. It's resolved with a slight push from Shanta while we're off in another weird study simulation. Learn how to channel magic better. Basically act kind of selfish towards End and express my worries and tell him to stop degrading himself. Go back to dorms and study some more.

> Studying.

> Hot springs trip. Make a flower crown for End/Naomi. Mess with Naomi a little bit but end up splashed by Nina. I go back first.

> More studying.

> Out in Justus when I run into End in the alleyways. Come out, see Aerykah and Naomi. Treat Aerykah's ruined knuckles, lecture her a little bit, go to visit Merchant. Talk about interesting things. Go out after visiting (I forgot to give him money but he didn't mention it, huh) and see Naomi on the floor. Her cut is reopened and when I say Aerykah was a bit of a jerk for hitting her so hard she says it's 'her fault.' A little weird. Guess there is history between those two. Go back home after suggesting becoming a mole and becoming a fake member of the Blood Pact. Generally discouraged and I pretend I drop the idea but I don't. For later contemplation. I'll push the concept the next time I see Vivian after I ask her how she is.

> Even more studying.

That's it. Guess what I'm about to do right now? Study. I think I'm making good progress though. My spell casting has gotten sort of better since the t.v simulation thing I went into with Shanta/End. All the meditation I've been trying to do has been paying off too, so I think my magic capacity has gotten kind of ridiculous. Periodic vomiting in between meditating. I feel like I'm more easy to set off now than ever. The lock me and Bijan needs just one more push before it breaks. The packages have been coming in at a constant rate now. I wonder if they're an attempt to make up for something or if he's trying to get me to warm up to him. I don't understand why. He should be more focused on getting another heir.

Everything's ok. Everything is fine. I'm going to study.





✕✕✕✕✕

[Siyaahi]

18. Forestventures

I'm on Shanta's carpet millions of miles from school all dolled up right now with absolutely nothing to do, so I figured I might as well catch up on the last few days. I'll get to the reason why I'm on Shanta's carpet later.

A few days before exams, Shanta/End and I ended up in the forest. After dark. Since we were locked out, we figured we might as well play truth or dare (since we hadn't got around to doing it before) and fixed up a camp & stuff.

End was especially cute for some reason. He asked Shanta to go pick a leaf off a tree, and Shanta placed it on his head. It stayed there for a while, surprisingly.

Anyways, halfway through the game I ended up hearing these weird sounds coming from the forest, and I ended up in this circus? This fortune teller demanded to read my fortune and told me that I was going to die, which I've known from the beginning so I don't really care. So me/Bijan kind of just left and got popcorn but ended up dropping it halfway to this lion tamer's tent.

I got my head in the lion's mouth when I heard End? And when I took my head out bam, there he was. I was gonna get really irritated over the fact I got followed but End seemed to have been panicking and he had seemed to be really scared, so...

Anyways, he toweled me off because I was drenched in freaking lion spit and we met up with Shanta. Then we went to the circus center where this guy in a flamboyant costume declared that the circus was going to disappear with the meteor shower. Shanta back talked him because he was being loud and she wanted to sleep, so then we got kicked out.

Just in time, too. We saw a meteor shower, the ground shook underneath our feet for no apparent reason, and an explosion behind us told us that the circus guy hadn't been lying. He had sounded pretty excited about everything so I'm sure that it wasn't exactly something worth being worried about.

We went back to playing truth or dare as the sun rose up. Shanta dared End to take more initiative, and then End asked me. I chose Truth because I was tired and he asked if there was really no way that he could help me.

I was about to run out on him when Shanta stopped me. So I admit it to him. Bless her heart, Shanta let me go. She could have kept me there and forced me to tell him but she didn't. So I ran. That was the last day I met with them before exams.

Oh, yeah, and we ended up visiting the Fairy springs. Bijan met with this purple one that made him really, really nervous. He was silent when we went back to dorms. And not the good silent, the 'I'm-keeping-stuff-from-you-because-I-don't-know-how-to-talk-about-my-feelings' silence that I'm so accustomed to from him.

Anyways, one of the fairies made a comment about a part of the Problem coming 'loose' and that I would probably be fine.

If only they knew.

I'll devote the next page to what happened after exams, and then why I'm on Shanta's carpet.




✕✕✕✕✕

[Siyaahi]

19. Not-Actually-A-Party Parties and Shanta's Trip pt. 1 / pt. 2

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Went to Justus cause I heard there was gonna be a party. Literally saw nobody from school in the throng of christmas shoppers save for Nina and End. I decided to knit a scarf for the Merchant because he's the only one I can be bothered to get a gift for. Also bought him a self help book. Thinking of maybe baking cookies while I'm at it, you know?

Anyways, nothing of particular interest. End was uncharacteristically insistent on things that day. He doesn't seem to like the Merchant very much, but that isn't a surprise. I seem to be the only one who does.

Anyways, why I'm on Shanta's carpet. Me / End basically chased after her in Justus and I argued her with a bit until she let us come along. So we zoomed off after End&Shanta grew the carpet. It was pretty boring. We just talked about lots of things, including playing 'I Spy' and how the Charms teacher probably disliked me. Shanta offered me to tutor me but I'd rather not waste her time like that.

Bijan fixed my hair, Shanta and Bijan talked about hair and such. Shanta started playing her sitar after a while and I ended up falling asleep.

Then we ended up taking a pit stop in Hungary, where I changed clothing. Bijan did a pretty good job with my hair. Anyways, we went to go get nuts and then we went back on the carpet. Insert another very very long carpet ride.

I got to catch up on a lot of sleep I had lost due to exam stress, which was pretty nice. Shanta seemed to be awake and nervous, though. We hit the desert, and Shanta ordered us to stay invisible. Because we were supposed to do what we were told in exchange for coming along, I made End and I invisible.

Bijan and Shanta talked, but I didn't really pay attention. Illusion magic is very stiff and needs a lot of control to keep track of. Also, keeping another person invisible is a delicate balancing act that relies on the point you're connected to them by. In End/my case, it was the tips of his fingers.

Eventually I heard some funny stuff going on. Fwumping sounds and something about slave drivers. But I obeyed Shanta anyways. I don't know if I would have been able to do anything even if I hadn't obeyed her. Eventually one of the men that was pursuing us in a caravan got Shanta. She gave us her goggles, instructed us on what to do and then promptly fell off the carpet.

We got to watch her get dragged away before a sand dune got in the way. We reached her village and was met with a not-so warm welcome. I basically did all the talking because End is a nervous angel, and we explained everything to Shanta's dad.

We met the Carpet merchant before we left on this big desert glider thing. He seemed pretty worried, at the least. Daksha had apparently wanted to join the group of rescuers but Shanta's father refused. (Daksha is Shanta's fiance, just in case I forget. I doubt I will though. ) He let us come, though.

Anyways, we went there. The group of tents scattered about was really nostalgic, but I tried not to let it show. I think I acted like I knew too much when I talked about what tent she might be in. I'm glad nobody asked where I got that kind of info from.

Anyways, Bijan went to scout per request of Shanta's dad. He was incredibly anxious about it (for good reason, but it probably only seemed that way to me.) He came back and told us that we had ten minutes before Shanta was on the risk of getting raped, which her father took in shocking stride.

He told End and I to stay while the adults went to go get her. I, well, I didn't really like the idea of that at all. End was more than willing. I knew it was the sensible thing to leave us both behind, but I've never had a real trust in authority to begin with you know? I wanted to make sure Shanta was safe with my own eyes.

Also, I had no solid idea on how they were planning to sneak around and get her back. Her dad's first idea was to literally just charge in, and he mentioned that it was what they had done last time. Which I guess means that Shanta has been kidnapped before? Thing to note, I guess.

So I got on Shashi and did the illusion thing and basically flew over the top of the tents. The thieves were all english speaking, which was a little bit strange. Some guy mentioned something called a 'brojob', which I guess I'll ask the Merchant about later.

Anyways, I went to rescue Shanta. I heard the thieves inside saying some pretty shitty stuff, so I bumped one of the things that keeps the tent attached to the ground. I got Shashi to back up a little bit and then just kinda watched the second guy look around in confusion. The first guy came out and by now I didn't have enough water in my vial to keep a full illusion without using all of my focus, so I just gave up and bumped Shanta out of his arms.

Shashi dug into the sand to get her, but it turned out the guy had a gun. So I had to put my hands up. He made some comment on throwing me with the rest of the women because apparently I looked hot which was kind of gross but good for making his defense lower.

Shoved the sand off Shashi. The guy seemed shocked and fired at us a second after I threw up an improb and shielded Shanta. I had just a little bit of water left, so I shifted my attention on making us all invisible. The guy started shooting some more, and as Shashi was flying out of there I felt this exploding pain in my side? Like, white hot pain. It wasn't a very good combination with body strain, so when we made it back to safety I just kind of slipped out onto the floor.

I didn't really realize I got shot. I understood everything hurt a lot, but I figured it must be some effect of the curse that I would need to find out the cause for later. So I hid the injury because I didn't want to worry End. But then I just sort of...fell? It was like no matter how hard I tried to stay awake something took me by the shoulders and dragged me down.

When I woke up I was in a bed, with the side of my body throbbing and Bijan hovering above me. End was there, too. Shanta eventually wandered in looking like a guilty little s**t, but I basically told her that I didn't really mind getting shot for her. At least I would get a cool scar, you know? Which I'm pretty excited about. Gunshot scars are cool.

Anyways the healer lady came back and fed me some painkiller. Shanta seemed to look a little better after some more light conversation. We decided to go to the feast or something because I was starving.

It's a little whiles before the feast. I've managed to write all of this before I go back outside to meet up with End and see when Shanta is coming. The sun is going down, and the desert looks very, very pretty. Bijan is sitting on the windowsill staring at the sand with the most relaxed expression I've ever seen on his face.

The setting sun looks just like how it used to, though. It makes me miss a lot of things. Like him, and them, and the days where I didn't have to be so suspicious about every little thing. The fact that I'm suddenly acknowledging this makes me very scared?

I have a bad feeling something has gone loose and is stirring up underneath my skin.




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[Siyaahi]

20. Shanta's Trip pt 3

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Reading the end of my last entry kind of made me sick to my stomach when I opened up my journal.

Why did I suddenly feel so sentimental? Well, there is an answer to that. I'll just catch up on the week's events for now before going on a personal spiel. (I learned that word from one of the books I've read. My english has gotten better! Or maybe I learned it from Averill. I dunno.)

The day we arrived Shanta dressed up all pretty for the feast. She looked very cute. I'm not really at liberty to say that End looked cute seeing as he's not even in his own body, but he acted very cute as usual. Gosh, sometimes I really appreciate having those two around.

******** IM DOING IT.

Ok. So. We met Daksha aka Shanta's fiance and his sister Priya. Priya wore a lot of purple makeup and Daksha's face looked annoying. Actually, for some reason Daksha just looked really dis-likable to me. The s**t that came out of his mouth was so stupid, too.

Daskha looked like Daksha. I am impartial and as emotionally flat as I have always been.

Anyways we ate. Me and End talked to Priya while Daksha/Shanta talked in their own little corner in hindu. Priya seemed pretty ok until I realized she was eying up Shanta too.

Anyways, End asked me if the yogurt drink (it's called lassi) I handed him was alcoholic or something to that extent. Which seemed kind of amusing to me in a stupid way, because what kind of yogurt drink has alcohol in it? Well, I'm pretty sure there has got to be some drink or another with that kind of stuff in it, but whatever.

Unfortunately, I kind of snorted, and well. I think I mentioned in an entry before that I've become more easy to trigger, so.

I'm getting better at holding it back, at least. I lasted about five minutes before I had to excuse myself from the table. Vomited my guts out into the sand. And all the food I had stuffed into my face. This time it...hurt more than usual. My appetite was wiped absolutely clean and I felt like I was going to topple over any second anyways, and while that's probably the usual thing everything felt more...sharp. I guess if I had to describe it in a way, I felt more 'alive'? I don't think that's right either though, because at the same time I felt like I was closer to death at the same time. Like I'm getting equally close to a solution and a consequence.

I came back after a while to Shanta playing her sitar. Daksha tried talking to me but I snubbed him a little hard, and Bijan was ready to go so we left before dessert. I'm not allowed to have fancy sweets anyways so I didn't mind leaving, and I dragged End off meanwhile.

It was nice to be alone with him for once. We don't really get that kinda time to ourselves. IT'S NOT LIKE I DONT MIND BEING AROUND EVERYONE ELSE, THOUGH. IM JUST SAYING. YEAH. God, I'm trying to defend myself in my own stupid journal.

ANYWAYS. We talked. I admit to him that I had basically gone off to vomit which he took surprisingly well. I don't know why I told him that in the first place. Oh wait. Yeah I do. More on that later.

Priya appeared and unveiled her true intentions. She tried to convince me into getting in between Daskha and Shanta, but honestly I cannot be ********. Mom specifically told me to only use that surname if I was in the absolute deepest of shits, and otherwise just not to make a name for myself.

Man, it's dangerous being a high elf. I'm just glad my ears aren't all sharp and pointy. Makes life a whole lot easier. Though, you know, I don't think they would have believed me if I used that surname anyways. Since me and my mom's existence has been wiped out.

Uh, anyways. I talked with End about how Shanta was going with all of her stuff. He seemed a bit conflicted, and also rather anxious about lots of things. I told him that we could just see how they were doing over the week.

Which we did. Sort of.

Not really.

Shanta and Daksha kept on running off everywhere. They were reeeeeeally into eachother. Honestly it made me a bit jealous. Cause there was no way in hell I was risking acting all gay around End in front of Shanta's folks and village and such. It was enough having her mother try to stuff my face every five seconds.

Her dad was more awkward than expected, though. It was pretty funny and also kind of terrible trying to have a conversation with him.

Bijan hated everyone, but that's nothing new. He was especially edgy because of...well, those things. I guess it's partially my fault, too. If only I had been faster when we first met, then maybe. Well, those things dont matter anymore. He's gotten a bit better being in Merlin, and I guess so have I.

In any case. My appetite was gone for the majority of the week but luckily I didn't die thanks to the forceful hand of south asian aunties. I did end up vomiting a lot, but that's not the point.

A week later we were all sitting around having an awkward breakfast dinner a la a sweaty Shanta who can sword fight really well, a nervous End and a me who kept on acting all emotionally open and weird. Me and End got to watch as family drama unfolded in front of us, primarily over Shanta's marriage being in the summer and her leaving school and lots of other things. After breakfast I went on a walk with End, which was basically the most alone time we've had in like...two months?

I was trying to get the desert engraved in my mind. It isn't really anything remarkable. Just a bunch of sand. And it certainly wasnt mine or Bijan's desert, but it was close enough and it was very pretty.

I dropped my guard with End around and I accidentally told him that maybe it was time for me to tell him and Shanta things. Luckily he asked if there was something him or Shanta needed to know and I was like HAHA ON A NEED TO KNOW BASIS? NOPE! I WONDER WHY I SAID THAT and then Shanta appeared all stunned and weird. Daksha kissed her or something. Shanta went all red and stuff. It was kind of cute.

Man, I wish I could kiss End on the mouth. That would be so rad. I'm pretty ok with just kissing his mask, though.

Anyways, we left. Bijan complained a bit, I told him if he wanted to stay in the desert he could, and he called me an idiot. We stopped at an oasis to get some pomegranates and then we flew for a veeeeeeeeeery long time.

Ok. Personal bullshit time.

Me and Bijan have been feeling the side effects of the lock preventing emotional growth and empathy breaking. If Maman and Baba find out about this, they'll drag me out of school immediately. Even Bijan admit that what we did was probably stupid on an outside level, but doing extremely stupid things has always gotten me to a good solution. I think that while I'm getting close to my own demise I'll be able to find an answer out.

I think my next safest step of action is to separate myself from End and Shanta. It's better for them to be confused and hurt this way then if they find out how I've emotionally used them. I knew that I was committing to the last push when I was saying when I told Shanta I didn't mind taking a bullet for her.

The guilt I would have felt with the lock in place feels overwhelming now that the stupid thing 'broke'. Even if I'm just following 'his' advice, though, I don't want them to hate me.

I'll do it gradually, though, so they won't feel bothered to come after me. I can't do a clean cut because with the lock gone, I'll just end up spilling the stuff that I don't want them to know.

Everything will be better this way. It's pretty much become apparent to me that people are always happier when they don't have to deal with my bullshit. Like Bijan, or my parents.

Hopefully I'll be able to make everything ok on their end, though. I'll just try my best to do that for now.

Well, I am a Lucian student, so everything should be fine on my end, too. I hope my midterms come back okay. Even barely passing is enough for someone like me who went to a 'shitty public school'.

I think we're in Wales now. Guess I'll stop writing and spend my free time working on that scarf I was knitting for the Merchant. Hope he doesn't get anything gross on it, but I think that's kind of a moot hope. Ah, well. I handle rotten people the best. I'm kind of looking forward to giving it to him, actually. Yeah! Everything will be O.K. as long as I only focus on the parts that seem ok.





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[Siyaahi]

21. Gift giving (and nothing else of interest)

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Went out today. Snuck into the kitchens to grab the stuff I made for the Merchant. I met up with this new ekat kid called Ian who has a robot (??? I dunno what he's doing at Merlin) and this girl named Gilrin.

...Who is 'Tadion's sister. So End's body is named Tadion. I would absolutely love to tell him about all of this if it wasn't for the fact I'm trying to avoid him and Shanta right now.

Anyways, from what I got from her Tadion apparently didn't really have a good relationship with his family and my runaway theory was absolutely correct.

I don't think she's going to take it well.

She and Ian did like the cookies, though. Which is good, because I'm not allowed to eat nice sweet stuff.

Anyways, went to Justus. Talked with the Merchant about some things. Gave him the book/scarf/cookies/sandwich. He seemed kind of confused and very suspicious. Quickly ran off after ******** him with a little bit.

I'm a little worried about Shanta or End cornering me in Lucian dorms (mostly Shanta) so I'm trying to find somewhere to stay in Justus until break is over. Then I can just go about spending my next semester studying.

Oh yeah, I did nearly run into Shanta though. She was talking to this stranger. She pretended not to see me (I think) because I think she thought I was gonna follow after her. Nope.

It's kind of lonely, but oh well.



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[Siyaahi]

22. A Summary of how lots of things happened and a not-so-much a summary on how other things happened

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I'm on a boat.

Ok, scratch that. I got off the boat. I'm in dorms now and I'm pretty sure Ari has yet another piece of blackmail that she can hold against me. Or, well, Bijan I guess, seeing as he's the one who talks for me half of the time.

Anyways, I guess I'll backtrack a lot because lots and lots of things happened.

A few days after my last entry I went back into Justus for business. I met up with people again (Gilrin included, who I feel a bit anxious around), and specifically a very tired Naomi who was being very vague about the information she might have just found. I was trying to wheedle it out of her when I saw Vivian pass by to go grocery shopping.

So I chased after her, except she walked a bit faster, but then she tripped so I managed to catch her in the dairy aisle. I basically followed after her and had a bit of a one sided conversation, where I learned that the whole sol thing was not going well for her. It was pretty clear to see that she was acting different.

Basically trailed after her outside and she told me that she really thought that the Pact had a good idea about the whole 'we can make things less hard' with black magic or whatever.

Which is really, really stupid, for lots of reasons that I pointed out to her but am too lazy to list right now. In any case it became kind of glaringly obvious that the Pact is only really focusing on one little part of the big picture.

But you know, Naomi's dad is the sponsor for the operation. Which makes me wonder if the big picture isn't actually all that unclear for them.

People in power are always gonna want more, I guess. Rich people are such headaches.

Anyways I tried to convince Vivian to get out of there because they could be lying to her and she's freaking dying from taint and etc. which included various options, one being amnesia. Which I personally didn't think sounded too bad until she said she didn't want to do it because she would forget me.

WHICH WAS KIND OF A PUNCH TO THE EMOTIONAL STOMACH. LIKE, A REALLY BIG ONE.

It made me realize that even when she was all pure or when I was absolutely terrified of her Vivian has been the person she always was.

I don't want to lose her. To the Blood Pact or the Council or anyone. Vivian isn't the bad person that everyone thinks she is. She's just someone who was caught by the Pact when she was in the wrong place at the wrong time. If things only would have gone different.

She told me to be careful because the Pact was planning something, and then after dragging out our goodbyes she left. I hugged her before she left, I think, but it's been a week or two so I don't remember. Which kinda sucks.

Anyways naturally Naomi was listening in. She didn't hear all of it though, which is good. I told them on how Vivian mentioned that the Pact was trying to 'recruit' people into believing in their cause so the school would be easier to take over. Bijan started joking around about talking to Merlin, and Naomi mentioned that we'd need his 12 treasures or whatever to talk to him. We also figured out that what the headmaster had stolen was a mirror orb or something which could basically see around the school and contact people through, which Vivian mentioned that the Pact were trying to get through to Headquarters about.

I actually remembered a few of them and listed a few off. I remember hearing Ari muttering them to herself in a really intense voice before going to sleep around the time of exams, so they left an impression on me.

After that people wandered off. I think I was staying around for some small talk with Nina when Shanta appeared out of literally nowhere and shot me down with a density.

She was angry. End appeared too, apologizing because I guess he thought it was his fault. Bijan tried to cover up for me but it was painful. Everything happened in a huge blur and I remember feeling that he'd already been nice enough to allow me to make friends and stuff even though that was what mom literally told him to stop me from doing. (Among other things.) It didn't feel right, having him struggle so much for me. So I did what I thought he had wanted.

I don't really remember much about it, and I kind of don't want to talk about it either. Basically I told them to stay away from me and I lied to them again and then somehow or another I ended up shacking with the Merchant for the rest of break.

Time passes. I'm kind of hungry for once so I'm gonna go get a snack and then write about the rest on the next page.

Anyways, a week went by via lots of shenanigans spent in Justus without really any contact with Merlin students. It was nice in it's own way but also made me realize just how much I hung out with Shanta and End.

On the better hand I befriended nearly all of the Merchant's 'friends'. They took to me pretty well. It was interesting listening to them talk about their troubles and stuff, and one of them who is training to be a hair stylist or something really wanted to cut my hair. Bijan totally objected because he likes it long and it's kind of desert elf style to keep it long (you're weird if you cut it off and cutting it all off is associated with either being a reject or not caring about appearances which all elves are iffy about, let's be honest) but honestly I think it was about time to get my bangs cut out of my eyes.

If I'm being honest I don't really like the shade of my eyes. On my mom they look pretty, but for me I think I just look creepy. I used to get a lot of comments that I was a creepy kid because I just stared without any expression when we immigrated, so I just kind of ended up never cutting my bangs.

But well, the opportunity was presented and I took it. She cut off a good amount of my hair too, since it was kinda damaged. I've always been in a constant state of poor health due to one of the 'locks', so I wasn't really surprised. Bijan despaired a lot but I'm just glad I can actually braid my hair fully now. Usually I would just give up halfway.

Around that time I ended up admitting to Merchant what happened and he went out to go chase off Shanta/End/Nina/this girl named Scarlett due to my request. Shanta called a policeman onto Merchant so he had to take off, so I had to sleep outside for the night. I managed to finch a thin blanket from one of the stores, but when I woke up there was this really nice coat draped over me too.

I guess there are kind people left around after all. I ended up donating it because 'he' sends me clothes all the time. (Oh, and then I learned once everyone made up that it was Nina's coat. She didn't mind me donating it though.)

End ended up sending me a letter on Vivian. Apparently they ran into her. I was really glad he updated me on things, but I couldn't bring myself to reply. I hadn't properly cut off things with him, after all, it would be kind of fake to just respond to him like everything was going totally fine. I did tell them to stay away.

As the crime rate started going up I found myself getting dragged along into alleyways more often. I guess it was sort of an eye-opening experience? I wonder why I used to think that the looks I got were from people just being friendly. I think I've become able to differentiate between dangerous people and not-dangerous people though. Oh, and recently Merchant has been giving me something akin to an allowance so I recently invested in pepper spray and a tazer. I got pretty good with the tazer and self defense, though on New Years I ended up giving Ian (who got dragged along with me with some big beefy guys) some of my pepper spray.

New Years was...well, it was New Years. I grabbed lots of food, and Merchant happily conned people. I saw Shanta and End but managed to avoid them. Ended up getting a blade to the hand when I got dragged along with him, and Merchant really shittily dressed it. I didn't do it myself because you know, it might offend him. Also I was lazy. Oh, and I ended up getting a really big bunny toy. I was really sure it was from a creep but then I kind of figured out it was probably somebody from the school and Merchant was gonna end up burning it, so I took it with me back to school.

I watched the fireworks with Bijan. I've been used to that kind of thing ever since I was little, but I still wondered how Shanta and End were doing. It was reassuring to think that they were probably having fun, but I wanted to be with them. I really, really wanted to be with them. If Bijan hadn't been there, I probably would have been super depressed. As it was, we talked to eachother like we always do. Having him with me has stopped me from falling too deep into the emotional pits that I always end up shoving myself into, and I guess it's the fact that the 'emotional lock' broke, but I found myself really appreciating him. It's terrible to say, but I'm glad he's with me. I don't know what I would do if he wasn't.

Anyways. A few days later, I was back at Merlin. Except we LOST THE GODDAMN STORYBOOK. We had gone through Lucian and Ekaterina dorms, and decided that Janus was our next best bet. (Seeing as Shanta or End might have taken it to do...something with it. Which is bad, because I've been trying to alter things in my own way.) So we went in there, and we scourged the bedrooms but found nothing. I was literally at the foot of the stairs when I realized that Shanta was in the common room, trying to take ornaments off the tree. End entered, and she asked him to go get a footstool or something from the boy's room. SO OBVIOUSLY I TRY TO GO UP THE STAIRS AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.

I'm in like a complete state of panic, partially because I know Shanta probably wants to beat the tar out of me and I'm really sure they probably hate my guts. I was planning to hide underneath a bed, but I didn't have enough time so I ended up leaping into a random one. Bijan soon identified it as End's, and we stayed veeeeeeeeeery quiet as End saw the lump and notified Shanta. We heard Shanta get a bat and Nina attempt to tell her not to hit the lump (I think she knew) and on the count of three we slammed into the floor in a mess of sheets as soon as she swung. Luckily, neither me nor Bijan got hit. We were trying to get out of there but Shanta acted...totally normal?

I was SUPER CONFUSED. for some reason Bijan was playing along with it, and he basically told me that there was no reason to avoid them anymore because he had told them things anyways. Which he had to repeat later for me to really understand. We went down below, Bijan explained the book thing, Ian was there and explained it was with some no-homo kid, Nina asked about her coat, Shanta redressed my wound which was all nasty and black and s**t. Shanta was very calm and said she wasn't mad, and there was a tearful reunion where I basically hugged everyone. Except for Ian, of course.

By the way, I'm going to take a moment to appreciate Nina. My opinion of her has had it's ups and downs, but she's actually really cool. Ari seems fond of her, too. I think that's only because Nina asked her how to teach her self defense instead of cowering away from her, but when I mentioned that to her she tugged on my cheek super hard and called me 'cute' in a scary voice. So I shut up. Anyways.

Anyways, I cried like a baby and there was lots of dumb drama involved. I guess in the end it's all kind of my fault for being an idiot, huh? Seems like most of the drama that happens between us is my fault. Ah, man. I really am a piece of s**t.

Oh yeah, and I kind of reaffirmed with End that we were still dating. Which was nice. I sat next to him. Which was also nice.

It was a pretty good day. Some time passes yet again.

So, now the reason why I mentioned I was on a boat.

Merchant confirmed the location of the siren suppressor. Curious and feeling like an adventure, I decided to go with End/Shanta/Nina. I accidentally ended up mentioning it to Ari who promptly tagged along, tricking Naomi into joining us by telling her the two of them were going on a date. I wasn't about to complain. We got a free ride on (one of their multiple, apparently) private ships via her brother driving the thing. The group of us hid near some boxes and were treated very politely by very intimidating italian men who seemed quite scared of Ari and called her 'the young miss' among other things. Her brother seemed nice. Though pretty docile for a guy who was the son of a mafia boss. I'm kind of unsure if he got along or was at absolute odds with Ari. He did seem to know Naomi, though.

We boarded at a small seaside town in England I think, Ari and Naomi had a bit of a tussle in which Ari stopped her from jumping off into the ocean, and then a stranger approached us out of nowhere. She somehow recognized End, and lead us to this shed behind her house. She explained various things, and guess whose faceless body was in the shed? End's. He wanted to go in by himself so we let him. Meanwhile Ari and Naomi got information on the siren suppressor device from the lady End talked to, who told us that she had sold it off to some businessman. Our best bet was the museum behind the city hall or something, so we decided to go there.

Except I wanted to wait for End, and Naomi wanted new clothes. So Ari dragged her off once more. Almost as soon as they left we heard some sounds from the shed. They did NOT sound good. Shanta stopped me before I rushed in there, which thank god to her for, but eventually all three of us entered. She pushed me forward first because we heard End crying, and Nina gave me a handkerchief. I slowly approached, and I saw...well, a stranger. Crying. It was the most surreal experience ever, especially when I recognized him as End. It was absolutely terrible to watch him cry, and he kept on saying on how things were terrible and such. I approached after asking him, and I tried to reach up to touch him but he flinched. Really hard.

It was surprising, and he immediately apologized and crouched down on the ground. He tried to explain himself, and I basically told him that it was ok and put the handkerchief in front of him. It actually didn't really hurt my feelings, if I'm being honest. I had sort of expected that kind of reaction, if Im being honest. And it sounds terrible, but it still wasn't really going through my head that this new person was End. The fact he was wearing really outdated clothes only made the experience weirder.

We (We, by the way, being me and Bijan naturally) walked on at Bijan's order and found Tadion's body. It was faceless, but just as End had said (by the way, his full name is Endyion) it was kind of...warm? Bijan recognized it as alive and I did too, but I couldn't hear a heartbeat. There was End's mask, too, which was cracked. It actually gave me a jolt of surprise, because that's kind of the thing I've been dating for the past few months? A mask. I forced myself not to get sentimental on the spot, though, because End was first priority. We got out of there with the plan to keep the mask and bring Tadion's body back to his sister.

Shanta left Tadion at Georgia (the stranger)'s house for a bit, I put the mask in my bag (I would feel strange parting with it) and we went on. Found Naomi and Ari (Naomi acted like a b***h, Ari was just like 'ooooh', etc.) , and then we head for the museum. It was a long underground climb, and I basically stayed in the back to make sure End was keeping along. He was lagging quite a bit, but we didn't lose him. Eventually we came at a crossroads, and ended up having to split up in groups of two. Nina can't stand Naomi, and it wasn't like I was going to leave End or Shanta's side to join them. I JUST made up with them. Shanta doesn't like Naomi either, and I'm sure End wouldn't have minded but me and Shanta were kind of acting like his guard dogs so.

So we split up in pairs of two. Naturally I was with End, which I was really glad about because if I searched with anybody else I would have just spent the whole time worrying about him anyways. I think Shanta and Nina kind of knew that. Naomi and Ari were more than happy to go off together, too. So we all split up.

First me and End entered a hall of a bunch of old stuff. I was struggling to make conversation, so I pointed out some old wheel to End. He was like 'oh...' and basically the conversation died. Then he apologized for everything that had suddenly happened at once. I ended up telling him that I just wanted to stay by his side no matter what. Which is really how I feel, after being without him and Shanta for like two or three weeks. That's all I really want, in the end. To be able to stay by Shanta and End's side. It's the second time I've ever really felt like I belonged anywhere. I tried giving it up because I was scared, but I feel differently now.

I won't let things repeat themselves like how they did before. No matter what I have to do. I may have been a kid then, and maybe I still am, but I'm not going to just let the will of other people shove me around anymore. I'm sick and tired of it. I won't allow it to happen anymore, or let my place of belonging get ripped out of my fingers a second time.

End took it well, at least. It made the air around us a little less weird, which was good. We entered a hall of jewelry, and End pointed some out that I think his friend from the past made. I offered to finch some but naturally he declined. I asked him some questions and he answered them, and I got the feeling that he and his friends had been...well, not high on the social hierarchy. We eventually entered a room dedicated to items from the sea, which had like three other entrances. I think it was the main attraction room.

Anyways, I took that moment to mention that Naomi earlier had made a comment on how I was probably not into End with the whole body change. AND WELL, OK, KIND OF THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE WALKING THROUGH TOGETHER THE MUSEUM AND HE WAS BROODING AND STUFF I WAS KIND OF FREAKING OUT, AND NOT BECAUSE OF WHAT NAOMI SAID BUT LIKE THE EXACT OPPOSITE REASON.

OK I'VE NEVER REALLY BEEN ATTRACTED TO ANYONE EVER LIKE SURE SOME PEOPLE SEEM TO HAVE MORE REMARKABLE FACES THAN OTHERS BUT IF IM BEING HONEST PEOPLE'S FACES USUALLY BLUR IN FOR ME IF THEY DON'T REALLY BECOME A POINT OF INTEREST TO ME BUT SO I FIND END HOT.

I basically chose that moment to ******** up on all my words and act really weird and then I basically just burst out into admitting that I thought he was hot WHICH BIJAN DECIDED THAT HE WAS GOING TO YELL.

WHCICH WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA BECAUSE I then realized Shanta/Nina had chose that moment to arrive, and I could hear invisible girlish laughter from behind me. End said something back but I couldn't really hear him over my own mortification and the ensuing chaos that was happening around us. He was red, though, which was pretty nice to see.

ANYWAYS we eventually deduced that the actual shell was probably behind the curtains. I went through, Shanta casted keen eye on me and basically told me to be careful. Bless her, to be honest.

I went through lots of lasers, Bijan hidden with me because we kind of can't be apart very long distances due to 'that', and we made it to the other side. There was a guard there but he was asleep. I snatched the shell (it was like the size of my fist, instead of being huge like Naomi/End were contemplating on,) and then ran out of there. Peppersprayed the bodyguard in the face before beating it back to the docks. Luckily it was still there, and I basically collapsed onto it.

I'm not used to lots of physical exercise.

Ari's brother made sure I wasn't dead, and everybody else appeared. End ran to my side, the sweetheart, and got me some water. Ari's brother freaked out over the body Shanta toted back, and Shanta gave back this box to End full of like old letters. End wasn't very pleased on seeing them, though, and he put them aside. I basically sat next to him for the ride, and after we figured out Naomi couldn't be near the shell we shoved it away in the captain's cabin and went on our way.

End tried a bit of my sandwich as his first bit of food. He looked super happy after he had ate it and had this super bright expression and ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh mmmmmmy gdod

ok I need to chill for a moment let me just stop writing for a second

OK

We made it back to Wales without any problems. Ari wanted to destroy the shell, but it was made by End's friend so it ended up in his possession. We all ended up leaving. So, yeah. I was on a boat.

It was a pretty fun trip. Feels like it's been a while since I've been on one.



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[Siyaahi]

23. Muna (?) Appreciation Day

It was my birthday.

I was alone with End a lot. I MEAN IT'S KIND OF A THING I'VE BEEN WANTING FOR A WHILE, but with all the stuff that happened for some reason I felt it a little hard to make conversation at first.

Oh!! We tried gingerale together. A couple of days ago I visited Merchant at the diner and informed Gilrin about End's body, and he gave me cash. When I asked what was good for people who hadn't ate much in a while he said saltines and gingerale.

End swallowed one whole gulp. It was super amazing.

I tried doing it too, but I ended up kind of leaking through my eyes. Nbd

Oh, and I found out that the stuffed rabbit I got was actually from him. It was actually quite a surprise. I sensed that he knew who gave it to me because he kept on insisting that I shouldn't throw it away, but at the end he just kind of blurted out that he was the one who gave it. He looked suuuuper mortified. It was refreshing!

I remember that time that Bijan told me I might have 'mildly sadistic tendencies'. Suddenly, I understand.

I've grown up more than expected.

Anyways, all of that happened while we were in an alleyway when we accidentally lost Shanta. We stood around for a long time, actually. It's amazing how not productive the two of us can be without her there. Bless her, to be honest. Without Shanta me and End would probably just be a pair of idiots. He would be the cute, charming idiot and I'd be the gross one. Because I'm gross. As hell.

Ok I'm getting off topic a lot again. One would think that I'd get sick of talking about how great End is but no. It's impossible. I can't stop doing it for some reason. Just writing this is making me feel embarrassed and happy uRGHHHH

Anyways! We got some meat. We went to see the Merchant and he gave us this drink and this really weird toy. Bijan made me throw the toy in the moat. Well I didn't know what it did anyways so it doesn't matter.

Then we went to Janus dorms and had the drink and the meat. The drink tasted pretty good. Sweet. But after a while I started being unable to tell what was what anymore.

When I woke up, me, Shanta and End were all basically lying on top of eachother in Shanta's bed. We all seemed to wake up at once, and Shanta yelled out 'Tara-!' or something the same time End basically fell off the bunk saying something like 'Fau--'

The feeling of sleeping with other bodies near me gave me some sense of nostalgia, so at all the lound sounds I reached for my waist expecting to find a knife there. Except I was like, in my boxers. So was End. And Shanta.

Bijan was near the window sill, muttering something. End was shaking from pain I think, and Shanta looked like she was gonna vomit so I went back downstairs and got water + aspirin for them. While I was downstairs Bijan basically explained that the drink we got was alcohol and that he had to bite Shanta/End to get them to stop being dumb. He didn't bite me, of course. Bijan is too loyal to me for that.

Um, Shanta seemed really sick and tired and I don't really remember because my head hurts but I think End might have cried a little...? So we decided to break for the day.

Well, it wasn't some super energetic happy birthday, but it was better than the ones I've spent at home with Bijan. Though running around with him was fun in itself.

Ah well. I didn't need some big extravagant thing.

Just being with Shanta and End is enough for me.





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[Siyaahi]

24. Betrayal

I don't want to write a long entry for a lot of reasons.

Vivian is gone. She's dropped off the deep end.

Naomi got hurt. We offered her a solution as a last resort but for now she's got Sol. End was there, too.

They arent afraid to hurt the students anymore. They've found a way to get to the tree through the Catacombs.

She kept on repeating the word and it's...made the pain sharper than before.

She was right. I am weak.

But it's well-known weakness that's stronger than power gained from cheating.

Shanta came. I hugged her for a while. Then I went to stay with the Merchant.

He complained, but he didn't force me to get out or anything and just told me I was lucky that he didn't have any dates that day. I talked to Bijan for a long, long time. He was tough with me because that's what I need the most from him.

I could go on and write about everything that I might be feeling or how hurt I am, but it's not going to change anything. Even in the past, no matter what I felt it never changed anything.

I cried after she left when it happened, but I don't even feel anything anymore. Just a dullness.

I'm not going to write anymore.





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[Siyaahi]

25. Where my life once again takes a pin turn on the rollercoaster ride of happy and sad things and I become fond of white leggings and black boots

img

So I went to see this elf fetish guy.

Which sounds REALLY BAD but was actually really fun and a nice change of pace, but also felt incredibly surreal and otherwordly considering what happened the day before.

My will to write will sap if I think about those things, so I'm going to just talk about the day for now.

Well, I was waiting at the bus stop when I ran into Shanta and End. In the middle of the night, which is kind of weird in retrospect. I know Shanta can't sleep, but what was End doing out there? It's dangerous!

Their timing was good as usual though, so I guess I'll just leave it as it is.

End wanted to come along when I mentioned the guy had an elf fetish, and it's not like Shanta wasn't going to tag along after that. So the bus came, and me and End went on. Shanta naturally had to follow behind.

Well, of course I picked a back seat. What I didn't realize was that all the back seats had enough room for End to sit next to me. Which was terrible. But great. BUT TERRIBLE.

Cause as far as it comes to End, I'm kind of working on a no touching rule. Which I mean I'm perfectly fine with, there is gonna be stuff that End doesn't want to do right off the bat and he has to get used to his body again, but holy s**t, it's literally one of the most taxing things I've ever had to go through.

And I vomit tar. Periodically.

Like, obviously as a kid when I came to America I didn't really gain a lot of physical affection save from like my dad when he came home. But going to Merlin and meeting End and stuff I've always been very...touchy with him off the bat? Like I used to hold his hand and hug him even before we started dating. (Because I was a desperate obvious loser, but that's not the point.)

So I guess I got accustomed to physical affection? (Which might have played a huge part in breaking the emotional lock, now that I think about it.) So, uh, while I definitely want to make End feel comfortable, it's been. Tough. Yeah. Especially because he turned out to be so freaking good looking. We made small talk, and he seemed pretty happy, but I think he noticed my strained expression and got a little worried.

Luckily Ian was on the bus for some reason as well, so I went over to go talk to him. I was kind of reaching my limit so I gave him a hug, but then I got like grease on my face and stuff. Ian got it off for me. Apparently he was heading three towns away too, like us. He also noticed End and I could just see the 'hot person spotted' light go off for him, and I was like UH NO NOT HAPPENING. It would be too unfair if End fell for Ian's pretty face at this point! Even if he is cuter than me, that's just. Too unfair. No way. Nope. End chose me first, so he's just going to have to deal with having my gross self.

...That's what I was thinking, anyways.

Resolved to keep Ian away from End, the bus stopped and we all headed off in the same direction. I did my best to get like all up in Ian's business and look at his map & stuff. He didn't really seem to mind the breach of personal space. Actually, even earlier he was annoyed with the hug but he seemed mostly concerned about me getting grease on my super cute outfit for the day. He's a nice guy in his own right, but there is no way I'm handing over End!

...Was what I thought.

We all headed off in the same direction. End and Shanta walked in the back and I made conversation with Ian, because there was no way I was letting him charm End further than he had. Cause you know, behind me at the time Shanta had mentioned that Ian was pretty cute, and End had agreed! 'Ian is his type? He likes glasses wearing nerds? I wear fake lenses all the time, but there is no way that I can pretend to be book smart! I'm a stupid guy when it comes to school, man! I would just have to keep End away from Ian and try to figure out how to take Ian's charming traits into myself.' was basically my thought process.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I was in a panic the whole night. The lack of physical affection was kind of making me a bit unsure, maybe? Oh, who knows.

I talked to Ian about lots of things. He's a pleasant guy to be around when you forget your delusions about him being out to steal your man. He said my calves were nice and said the whole androgynous thing I had going on made me pretty. I always knew my looks came from my mom, and she's really pretty, but personally I wish I looked more like my dad. Well, both of them were really popular in my apartment complex for their looks, so I guess either way it's fine. One of my neighbors used to say that I was lucky for being a child of a beautiful couple and weird stuff like that. Oh. I kind of miss them now. Oops.

We actually ended up having to go to the same place. This mechanic guy. I just wanted to give him the enchanted wrench he ordered and leave, but he spent a lot of time talking to Ian. Then it turned out he didn't have his glasses, and when he put them on he wanted us to stay for a while. Somehow me, End and Shanta ended up waiting near this really gross looking couch as he went off to go see if he had money. I picked up this magazine nearby because hey, had to entertain myself somehow, and it was full of humans wearing fake elf ears. They were wearing really scanty clothing and contacts and stuff. Some of them were using leaves as clothing...?

It was weird. And also really inaccurate.

End seemed really nervous when he saw it and told me to put it down. I was going to ask him why because personally I thought it was really funny, but then the guy came back and kind of snatched it out of my hands. Then he said he didn't have enough money and told us to just stay for the night because he'd have the money later. Uh, like I haven't heard that one a million times.

Shanta was getting really creeped out, and she was about to zap the guy because he was being really insistent but I told her not to. After all, he's one of Merchant's important customers. It would tarnish my reputation as a capable dealer if I lost a customer. Besides, he wasn't touching anybody yet. He was annoying with his time wasting, sure, but he hadn't groped me yet so I was feeling more merciful than usual.

Anyways, I went back to the front of the store to see if he actually had cash, and he just...let me. Literally. He didn't even come out when I went through his cash register and got all that I needed. (And more, of course. Penalty fees and travel costs have to be counted in, right?)

I was beginning to think this guy was a little bit too stupid to be buying stuff from the Merchant, when Shanta decided to have a meeting in the font of the store again. We basically decided to let me distract him and let Shanta/End leave first. I figured I'd stay behind to get Ian even though he was probably going to be fine for the sake of peace of mind (which is apparently a thing I have to worry about now that I'm capable of feeling strong emotions again). End didn't seem to like the plan, but Shanta dragged him off and told me to be careful.

So, well, I distracted him. It was pretty easy. All I had to do was kiss his cheek (through the mask, of course) and he basically short circuited. I went to talk to Ian for a bit, and then went back to distracting the mechanic while Ian wrapped up his business. He was actually pretty harmless. He even asked if he could see me again. It was kind of cute, if it wasn't for the fact that he some gross guy with gross magazines. Still, I'm pretty sure I got the idea of buying more expensive stuff from Merchant for me to deliver to him into his head, so all is good.

Me and Ian left, except I was kind of behind him so when I went outside he had turned a corner. Then I kinda got...lost. For a while. I forgot which corner he had turned, you know? Anyways, I basically went on a nice little walk until Shanta, who had apparently been looking for me, saw me and fetched me. I was kind of expecting her to so I wasn't really worried about anything. We had an interesting conversation on the way back to Ian and End, who I forgot to worry about being together because I had to defend my honor as somebody with a sharp mind to Shanta. She was like I dunno if you're really pure or really dense or something along those lines, I don't even remember any more.

End was super relieved when he saw us, and we all went back to going to the bus stop. This time I was next to End for some reason, even though I had been avoiding it earlier because of the whole...no touchy makes Muna sad thing. And, well, we had a talk. About a lot of things. End seemed kind of distressed that it might seem like he didn't trust me or anything and wanted to make it clear that he was just worried for me because I'm capable but sometimes even being really strong isn't enough?

Well, of course I understand that seeing as I'm not strong in the first place. But I have a feeling something must have definitely happened to End for him to think like that. Basically I reassured him that I didn't think he didn't trust me (well I did before, which I admit to him, but after the whole forest circus thing I guess I sort of...changed?) and then admit that I thought he might like Ian better than me and stuff. Which he reassured me that he didn't, and that he liked Ian but not like in a romantic sense, and oh gosh everything was just super embarrassing.

Oh yeah, and he grabbed my hand. It was pretty brave of him. He seemed kind of tense at first but then he relaxed. And then he admit that eventually he wanted to kiss me OHMYGOD IT'S TOO EMBARASSING I CANT CONTINUE ANYMORE OH MY GOD IM REMEMBERING IT NO THIS IS TERRIBLIILE

OK SO LIKE I WAS LIKE YEAH ME TOO AND YEAH WE WENT ON THE BUS RIDE BACK AND BIJAN WAS WITH SHANTA AND I SAT NEXT TO END AND WE SWUNG OUR FEET TOGETHER AND AFTER A WHILE FINALLY GOT IT SYNCED AND HELD HANDS LIKE, THE WHOLE TIME. WOWIE.

Oh, right. Later Bijan told me that he talked about himself to Shanta. Which is surprising. He's become unnaturally talkative about ourselves lately and it's...kind of worrying. Bijan has always had his own vendetta when it came to sharing the curse with me, but now I get the feeling that something's changed about his plans. It's suspicious.

But the day was good, and nothing will change if I worry about what he's going to do. I guess I'll just...have to see if things take a negative or positive turn tomorrow. From the way things are going in my life so far, I have a feeling it's gonna lean on the negative side.

Guess I'll brace myself.



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