Muna's Journal

[Siyaahi]

」」 Mᴜɴᴀ·s Jᴏᴜʀɴᴀʟ

Tucked not-so-carefully under a pillow is a standard sized notepad, without locks or any decoration. From the plastic paper cover it seems to be some Mundane brand school pad. It looks new.

When you open it, everything seems to be written in Farsi. Oh well. Who would have figured an airhead like Muna would be smart enough to write his notepad in a different language? (Note: He isn't.)

--

The notepad is stuffed absolutely to the brim, and seems quite well used. Looks like it's already been filled to the brim.

Next to it, there is a thick leather notebook. Inside the pages is black ink instead of pencil, and the pages alternate between English and Farsi. Muna's handwriting seems to have gotten better.


✕ Aʀᴄs

.. Year 1 (Curse Arc)


1. Bearpocalypse (or: Bijan is bad at thinking of titles for journal entries but I guess I'll leave him in charge of them for now anyways because he says I talk too much when I start writing which I totally dont)
2.I turned blue (but it wasn't a particularly remarkable event)
3. Catacombs
4. A very long, long day (though whether that's good or bad is questionable
5. Things become a little better
6. ok nevermind about things getting better things suck
7. where things get slightly better and I wasnt supposed to go outside but I did anyways
8. "Idiots go to an amusement park" (title reccomended by Bijan)
9. About video games or something
10. About video games or something (2)
11. Not Relaxing At All
12. Cat Cafes
13. End Appreciation Day
14. Storytime (And how I basically had a panic attack in front of my boyfriend but hey at least we didn't ******** up the book this time)
15. I caused an earthquake (which is pretty funny if you think about it)
16. A day of many things and nothings
17. Summary
18. Forestventures
19. Not-Actually-A-Party Parties and Shanta's Trip pt. 1 / pt. 2
20. Shanta's Trip pt 3
21. Gift giving (and nothing else of interest)
22. A Summary of how lots of things happened and a not-so-much a summary on how other things happened
23. Muna (?) Appreciation Day
24. Betrayal
25. Where my life once again takes a pin turn on the rollercoaster ride of happy and sad things and I become fond of white leggings and black boots
26. How I was right about basically everything, or: Waterpark and More Drama, Hooray (That's sarcasm)
27. Meeting a Porn Star and other odd things
28. Visiting Sushi Girl (Or: I get stressed out about my boyfriend)
29. Untitled
30. Kidnapping Naomi's mom
31. How I got a texting buddy
32. I Am Nervous all day and that's about it
33. Bait
34. I can't even think of a good title for this nonsense
35. Those weird fake cherries on top of a sundae
36. Flowers
37. Gold (en dragon) and also I am a hopeless idiot but that isnt anything new
38. Dad and other things
39. First date / Valentines Day/ Hooray Shanta can sleep again
40. Ex
41. Rose's Story
42. No more taint eating for me
43. This is stupid I'm just venting
44. Lifting our spirits (Ha-ha)
45. Kill her
46.A giant squid and a bad feeling
47. More catfights
48. Lots of things (Ian is alive) and also other things (Naomi is crazy)
49. ********
50. Never Have I Ever and socializing
51. Destruction
52. Dirty Work
53. A day where everyone pretended everything was ok
54. Healing Process
55. Spring Festival Pt. 1



.. Letters to Bijan

1. The Response You Didn't Let Me Give
2. Dear Bijan, I guess I'll recap the Festival
3. Dear Bijan, we came home safe
4. Dear Bijan, I got a tattoo
5. Dear Bijan, Merchant is a ******** idiot
6. Dear Bijan, Merchant didn't fire me
7. Dear Bijan, I couldn't keep part of my promise
8. Dear Bijan, as expected, alcohol is a terrible idea
9. Dear Bijan, I have a pink life vest now
10. Dear Bijan, Mari is weird
11. Dear Bijan,

「Tιмeѕĸιp」

12. Dear Bijan, Merchant came back
13. Dear Bijan, An update
14. Dear Bijan, I'm fed up

[Siyaahi]

1. Bearpocalypse (or: Bijan is bad at thinking of titles for journal entries but I guess I'll leave him in charge of them for now anyways because he says I talk too much when I start writing which I totally dont)

I hope Mamaan doesn't read this, but I got married. It was pretty scary.

I got lost again and ended up in the courtyard. Bijan was really annoying about it. He was like 'ooooooh blah blah muna you probably have such a shitty sense of direction oooooh.' My sense of direction is fine!!!

Probably.

I met Shanta again, and this human girl by the name of Nina. Shanta apologized for running off on me, but it's not like I really care. I have to learn how to do things by myself, and she did point out where the dorms were. Ok, does Merlin campus really have to be so huge? It's kind of annoying. It feels like you're going on a journey every time you step out of a building. Bijan said I should start bringing a backpack with me.

Nina seems ok for a human. She was pretty weird. A little annoying, but that seems alright. Bijan says I find all humans 'kind of annoying'. Bijan needs to stop hovering over my shoulder while I try to write in my journal. Dumb fairy.

Anyways, in the middle of the conversation I kept flickering in and out. Shanta said it was probably because of a dimension rip. I dont know what it was, but the other world was horrifying. I kept getting hugged by multicolored bears and this huge big buff one shoved this flower-thorny ring on my finger. It cut into my finger and made it pulse, but Shanta and Nina treated it when I came back.

The problem was that the cream Shanta used (it burned a little, but in comparison to when that thing happens it wasnt so bad) had yodeling as a side effect. This would be no problem if I was a regular mute. It was a problem.

My throat kept trying to get the sounds out and that...stuff kept coming out. I ran behind a tree to get it all out, and Shanta followed after me. I think she disappeared into the dimension rip, because she appeared with a flower crown. I managed to hide all of it with illusion magic before she saw anything, but she checked inside my mouth as well. Shanta told me I could tell her (she made up some terrible excuse about elven puberty to Nina oh my GOD) but Bijan is super against it. I guess I dont really mind if Shanta saw since she seems pretty trustworthy (once again Bijan says I only think she's trustworthy because she's disabled, middle eastern and an elf) but I dont plan on telling her any time soon.

I was hoping I would be able to hide it better. Bijan is still pretty upset about it. He was really firm about being more careful about it from now on. After all, this isn't really the kind of thing you can go to the nurse for. I'll do better from now on.

( Nina tried to comfort me about the elven puberty thing. It was absolutely terrible. )

Shanta started turning blue from her flower crown. She said the big buff bear that I got married to apparently wanted to turn our dimension into something like theirs. Then she got really really weird and tried to hug me. I ran, but I tripped. She was almost on me too, but then this bush threw a rock at her and she fainted. Bijan and her carpet had a fight while I tried to figure out what to do with her unconscious body.

I...I feel really really really bad about this, but she said something ugly and mean would counteract the cutesy stuff, so I kinda...wiped my shoe on her. The tar-y stuff just sank into her skin, and it didnt seem like it did anything, but she seemed to have gone back to her senses. Bijan was knocked out cold so I couldn't tell her I wasn't the one that threw the rock at her.

Um, then she told me I was funny. Shanta sure likes complimenting people. Nina said she wanted to give me a hug too. Is everybody from Merlin so friendly????? It's so embarrassing.

Then we kind of just went our separate ways. I checked out the books that Shanta had collected in the courtyard. I think the human languages I know is Farsi and English? I know I know English, because everyone in the apartment complex spoke that so we could blend in better with the humans.

Anyways, we didn't find a cure for Shanta. She was really blue. Actually, some of the stuff got on my shoe and turned it all...pastel-y. Gross.

I really hope this marriage thing doesn't become a theme with me. It's bad enough people keep thinking I'm a girl. Shanta says it's because I'm so pretty. Bijan says it's because I have wide hips and look like one. Screw it all. Even Shanta's arms has more muscle than mine! Isn't she the same race as me?! This is unfair!!

Im sleepy. Coughing up █████ always makes me tired.




✕✕✕✕✕

[Siyaahi]

2. I Turned Blue (but it wasn't a remarkable event, so I wont talk about it)

img

I'm too lazy to write today. There are a lot of things me and Bijan have been talking about.

Still, everything is going to plan. As long as nobody is concerned enough to help me, then we're safe.

Bijan apologized to me. I guess he thought I was mad. I understand the necessity of this stupid thing more than anyone else, though.

Ah...I recently turned blue. It was an interesting experience. I met Naomi, Vivian and Averill. Naomi and Averill sure like arguing. Vivian is very nice, but she doesn't seem to be particularly proactive so I think as long as I'm more careful we'll be okay.

Shanta refuses to talk to me. She probably hates me. Getting angry over getting hit with a rock is kind of dumb in retrospect, but I didn't find it too annoying until I kept getting told to apologize. Like I would do that when the perfect opportunity for her to avoid me arose. It's not like we knew each-other that long anyways.

(As long as I tell myself it's out of necessity, I can ignore my personal feelings.)

Met Carrmin and this weird guy in the forest, too. Carrmin acted cute, but from his fancy elven I think he's either really mature or telling the truth when he says he's old as balls. I don't think he likes Averill very much. He cursed a lot when the weird guy showed up.

The forest was really thick and it made me nervous. Even when we immigrated to new land I lived in a city so there weren't many trees. Bijan said I might have 'klaustrofobeea', whatever that means. He said his friend had it. Bijan rarely ever mentions his life before he joined our family, so I guess he was pretty concerned for me.

He's a dumb close minded fairy, but I think that's mostly because he hasn't abandoned all of his pack mentality yet. After all, he despises elves but he still hangs around my family.

Everything will be okay. I can keep people out of harms way if I make them hate me or by making them not care. Whether or not I've got any emotions about using such methods isn't worth mentioning.



✕✕✕✕✕

[Siyaahi]

3. catacombs

img(The text is messy and the ink is blotted.)

went to catacombs today. with end vivian naomi
went through ruined tunnel. humidity. bijan fell but end helped him out. i dont want to rely on anybody but i think if it's end then i wouldnt mind

that sounds really weird doesnt it. it isnt end is really nice

anyways bijan's connection to me snapped, which means he's technically free and also means he can fly fast but also means im in a lot of pain right now
at the same time it's a lot more flexible and i can subdue it and even whisper
the less people that are bound by it the less stiff the curse gets

he insisted on taking it all back when we came back and told me he didnt mind flying slow all that much but i know he does
i gave it back anyways

it'll just take a while to get back to the level it was earlier so i'll probably still be sick for a while

we traveled and found coins and a waterfall and a ruined demon summoning circle

naomi seemed afraid of the water which is weird since she's part mermaid or something

vivian suggested i take revenge on naomi and im really scared that something bad happened while she was in the forest b/c that isnt the one i know
actually, if im being honest im really nervous about being touched by her now

naomi told me to trust my instincts

what does that even mean

im sure nothing is wrong

end everyone was really worried about me so i feel really bad but also i feel happy? nvm


the catacombs trip was really fun but i came close to them finding out again i cant let them find out no way it's impossible naomi nearly called a teacher and for a second i could whisper but it'll pay me back for it soon

(that's how I'll get bijan bonded to me again)

ok sleep

(i dropped my notepad in the fields i hope nobody finds it w/ the rune drawings)



✕✕✕✕✕

[Siyaahi]

4. A very long, long day (though whether that's good or bad is questionable

img

Today was really, really long. I felt terrible this morning -- I paid for the little whispers I tried to get out when Naomi, End and Vivian were around. It was more than there usually was, and it was really hard to get rid of. Taint isn't exactly easily to get rid of.

Went and found Shanta, Vivian & Nina. Vivian was...acting weird as usual. We stood around and talked for a while before Shanta suggested going into the book, so we did. I basically did my own thing while everyone else traveled around. We went to the church underneath the clocktower and then went up to visit the clockmaker.

He scratched Vivian's face bc he was freaking out when she hugged her, and she was raising her wand like she was going to stab him with it before I stopped her. I told her that I wouldn't let it do it because it was her and she shouldn't be doing those kinds of things and she told me that I didn't really know her anyways. (Cause it's only been a month till school started.) It hurt a little, because she was acting all friendly when we were talking before and I was thinking she had gotten back to normal.

I got kind of mad so I just gave up and I told her that she wasn't the Vivian I knew and I think I hurt her feelings because she kept a bit of distance with the rest of the group after that. I don't know. Ever since Naomi told me to 'trust my instincts' I've been feeling hyperaware lately. I feel really bad because Vivian doesn't really deserve that kind of treatment after she just came back.

So, Bijan found the pages and apparently the story we were in was about a clockmaker whose wife had held the spirit that watched over the town and when the princess wanted to marry the clockmaker and had the wife killed, the spirit became angry and had the whole town frozen in time while the king was dying. Apparently the princess ate the spirit's body's heart. Gross.

We saved Shanta from it in the nick of time. It was trying to convince Vivian to help her, and Vivian had said that she had tried to hurt her friends and I felt really, really bad. I don't know. I'm probably just being an a*****e. It isn't like I've known her that long, anyways. I just don't know.

Nina was holding a candlebra and I figured that it wouldn't kill the princess or whatever, so I convinced her to hit the princess over the head with it. Later she kept on saying I told her to kill the lady. Why does everyone want to misinterpret things about me?? I'm getting kind of tired about it. I think the rock incident with Shanta was a bad omen.

Anyways we failed the story. The pages were ripped out when we came back. I left because I was feeling really, really tired and sick. I had to cough up it all again. My throat really really hurt afterwards. I forgot how painful it was when I was a child without Bijan to hold the pain with me. He kept on coaching me through it while it came out, promising me that we'd back to normal again in a little while and then we'd properly come up with a way to break the (the word here is scratched out entirely.)

I found my notepad. When I came back everyone was still there except Averill had joined and he was really mad. It was about the same thing he told me when he was in the study hall. I acknowledged that the demon thing was stupid (I was being serious when I said that I figured it wouldnt work cause Bijan thought so, but I liked dancing so I went ahead with it) but I guess it wasn't good enough. I thought he felt lonely that he couldn't come along or something, so I invited him, but he kept listing off on how he would be useless. It made me kinda realize how dumb I was when I said stuff like that, but I doubt that Averill would hurt the group as much as I did. He's smart. I'm not.

I suggested that maybe he shouldn't worry about people so much, and then he got really really angry and stomped off. I feel really really bad about it! I really think so, because he seems so focused on other people to the point of upsetting himself, wouldn't it be better if he didn't worry so much?? For his own sake? I tried to call after him and thank him for the textbook he gave me but it was too late. Sometimes I really, really, really hate being mute. Well, that's not true. I always hate it. It's not exactly fun but it's something you grow used to. If anyone asked me if I hated it or not I'd probably tell them that I didn't mind it so much anymore, but that would be a lie. Besides, nobody would ask me. Everyone probably thinks it's a natural thing.

Um, if I'm being honest, I don't mind being in dangerous situations. It's always been like that with the other desert elves, so I'm not used to people being so angry about it when you do something dangerous.

Besides, when I'm like this, who cares if I die or not? My lifespan is supposed to be shorter with it anyways, and it's not like I have a home to return to anymore. I know my grandfather thought he was doing me a kindness when he added all these complications, but I wonder if it would have been better the original way.

But, Bijan wouldn't like it if I told him those kinds of things, and he's sacrificed a lot for me so I should do the same. I know he's using me to fulfill his own mistakes, but I don't really mind. Especially not after he told me he was willing to get bonded with me again. I guess because we've been together after we came overseas that it would be weird to separate again. We were all we pretty much had when my parents moved to that dingy little apartment and I couldn't speak the language or get out of the house often. (So, I won't say those kinds of things.)

I wouldn't forgive myself if I gave up, anyways. I have to learn to take care of myself. I have to learn to take care of myself. I have to learn how to take care of myself.

Maybe that's why Averill's excessive worrying felt weird to me. I don't know. I hope he's okay. He was really really angry.

Actually as soon as he left, End appeared. I got really happy because it's End! But then I felt bad for being happy, but then as soon as he appeared he asked me how I was and I felt all happy all over again.

Hurgh.

We talked some more. I gave End a lemon candy as a thank you, and he seemed pretty 'eh' about it until I asked him if he didn't like candy. Then he said he did and then repeated it a couple of times. End is really funny. Being around him really made my mood lift up.

Um, Naomi appeared, and I flinched away from Vivian again (I can't seem to stop doing it now) and Nina just sort of...sat around. She doesn't talk much. We decided to go to Justus and Bijan told me it was better to crossdress (because my work clothes would definitely cause trouble) and it would be bad if somebody recognized me as their dealer in my regular clothes. So I went as a girl. I couldn't look at End because it just feels weird to have another dude see me in one of those.

Naomi got something from the apothecary and kept messing around with something in her pocket and I was about to go to the Merchant when Vivian asked if she could come along. Then End insisted on coming along and everyone called the Merchant 'sleazy' and then everyone finished and so we all went to the merchant.

Vivian broke off to stare at a crowd for a while and I went to talk to the Merchant. I gave him the money and he said my hands were soft but dry but when I told him I didn't use lotion he said that wasn't what he meant. Everyone behind me seemed really grossed out. He told me to get the next shipment tomorrow. I'm getting better at this whole dealing thing.

End seemed a little upset about the whole thing, and he asked if it was a common thing for me to go to him. I didn't answer him because I felt a little embarrassed about having to pay off debt. (It's not like I can't tell the Merchant is a weird guy.) Um, but then we saw a crowd and I grabbed his hand to tug him along cause End walks pretty leisurely and then we held hands for a long time again.

Uh we saw a stranger that looked lost so I approached them and identified them as an elf (her name was Freya). It was easy b/c her eyes were like mine. Anyways she needed groceries so we went with her to go get some. When we go to the store Vivian and her immediately hit it off, Naomi went to go eat chocolate and Nina...wandered off somewhere again. Me and End stayed together and I talked about myself for some reason (oh god I hope he wasn't bored) and he told me he was gonna treasure the candy I gave him like?!??!? Why does he have to be so nice? It's not normal to be so nice!!! URGHHHH. I WAS REALLY HAPPY. He called them pretty a lot too and told me it was the first time he had a lemon candy. He suggested I ask Naomi for money but I dont wanna be in more debt and I couldn't manage the guts.

So Vivian and Freya came back, we left the grocery store (but not before she healed a plant for some strange reason??) (I accidentally let go of End's hand) and then Freya had to go. She told me my dress was pretty and called me miss, and as soon as she left everybody left. Except for End who just pat my back. Then we talked about going to the beach.

It sounds really fun! Since there is sand. Apparently people really don't cover up when they go like dad said! I always thought he was lying when I was a kid because people who dont cover up in the hot desert sand are just stupid and looking to die. But End confirmed it and he said he had been on a lot of beaches. Apparently I either need a thing called 'swim trunks' or a 'bikini'. I wonder what the difference is. I think my dad mentioned the swim trunks, but I dunno if I'll be able to get any...I'm not really interested in the ocean anyways, since I can't swim. Just the sand.

Uhm, so I guess we're going to the beach sometime soon. Before it gets even colder. The cold weather is pretty strange. My nose keeps getting clogged up and runny sometimes. Maybe I'll encourage Averill to go.




✕✕✕✕✕

[Siyaahi]

5. Things become a little better

img

Met Vivian and Shanta in the courtyard. I was catching bugs for the weird guy who likes to buy them off of me in Justus, since I was planning to go for the Merchant's shipment. Vivian learned bump in 2 seconds and Shanta eventually got bump. And here I am, still unable to cast a proper goddamn lumos.

The longer I go here the more I'm beginning to think that I'm really not cut out for this magic thing. I was doubtful in the first place but...I dunno. Maybe I shouldn't be going here.

I don't know. I just really felt like crap when I saw how fast Vivian (who acted only a little weird today, or maybe I'm just getting used to it) got it. Feels like all the other first years have something great about them except for me. I mean, my illusion magic is unique, but in all honesty I'm only a little less than average at it.

Urgh. I don't know. I don't want to start a self pity-fest, I'm just frustrated I guess. I feel really stupid all the time in comparison to everybody else.

We met Averill. I got him to join us for going to Justus since Bijan wanted to see if we went out in nice clothing if people would give us clothes or something. (I got an anonymous gift.) We talked while Shanta changed and stuff about our personal lives (well, me and Vivian) and Averill joked around about me coming from a tribe of barbarians. I know he was only joking but it still kinda...I dunno. I guess people find it strange, but it was just how we did things back there.

He went along with us and we went to the bookstore after talking for a while. I bought an audiobook called 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Cosmos' (after selling the bugs. The guy let me have extra because I let him hold my hand. He held it for a while.) Averill seemed disinterested but I think it sounds pretty cool.

Also, I bought some more lemon candy. I have a piece left since Averill wouldn't take any.

Then we went to the Merchant and he was arguing with Blake (this guy who wears red and stuff) about Sol material. I got my shipment from him and for some reason the merchant made Averill angry. I dunno, I wasn't paying attention to the convo. I kind of lost attention after the Merchant said he'd be able to hit a donkey in a dress. I asked him why and he just told me that I was really innocent. I don't really get him sometimes. I still think he's pretty nice considering he gave me a whole jar of sol. Still dunno why he did that.

Then we went to go talk to the Blake guy. I got a jar off the merchant and gave him just a little bit of Sol material. It's crazy potent and I know it's mean to say, but I think I'd need it more than his friend. So I only gave him a swipe-ful. Besides, what regular person needs sol?

Then we talked for a while and Averill told some boring story and then we got on the topic of Halloween costumes. I suggested Shanta to hide her carpet underneath a huge hoopskirt, and Averill suggested Vivian to be a vampire. Then he said I should be a playboy bunny....? I agreed because I didn't really have any other idea. Oh well. It's not like I have a lot of money for a costume and Bijan agreed because he said it sounded cheap.

Uh, and apparently we might have a sewing day for it? Then everyone started talking about who organizes events and I wandered off for a little. Then we decided to go back. Averill bought a fossil, I tripped, and then when I stopped being distracted from the pain everyone was gone. So I just went back too because Bijan thought it was too risky to sell the Merchant's wares as a girl.

Slowly, I'll get the materials for the recipe that the Merchant gave me. I'll do it by myself.

I just wish I knew for sure I'd be able to talk again someday. My parents were so hopeful that I'd be able to do it if I came here, but honestly I've given up on it a long time ago. It was never meant to be broken, after all. I'm not even supposed to be alive.

I know Bijan told me not to write about it but I can't seem to stop myself anymore. I hate keeping it a secret and I'm sick of it. I only even told Shanta about it because it was acting up and it just sorta...came out. Honestly, I don't know why I told her.

I'm just tired of keeping it all a secret. I feel guiltier the more I talk to everybody. They don't really deserve to know it -- it's really none of their business -- but I don't think I'm really worthy of being friends with them. So, I guess the only choice is to just keep it a secret forever.

I'm too easily exhausted to be worrying about this stuff all the time. Everything is fine. Everything. I'll just tell myself that and move forward.



✕✕✕✕✕

[Siyaahi]

6. ok nevermind about the things getting better thing things suck

img

I got sick.

Which, if I was a regular person, would be a mild annoyance at best. But unfortunately I am not like other people

Anyways we went to the beach. It was really windy and not warm at all and everybody was wearing more clothes at me. Naomi was being more annoying than she usually is. The water was really cold and tasted salty. Vivian told me not to drink it because I would go crazy. It tastes gross anyways

I lost my hat. End got it back for me. I didn't know what to give him as a reward so Vivian suggested a kiss on the cheek because that's what princesses do to princes...? So I did it, but then I realized what she said, and we had this whole conversation about royalty and stuff. Naomi was all sad and angry in her corner because no offense but she's kind of a loser. Vivian changed me from princess to prince and End said I would make a good one. Then Bijan mentioned my grandfather and yeah

Not a topic I really wish he had brought up, for lots of reasons that I'm not going to list because then I'm just going to go off into dumb paragraphs. Long story short, I'm still sensitive about things I shouldn't be and after what happened with the tribe I don't really think I have the right to be considered 'royalty' anymore

I climbed some rocks to get crabs to eat because I was hungry. Then End and Vivian started panicking. End got into detail about what could happen on slippery rocks. It was a little...weird of him? Like he's always super worry-ish but while I was gathering crabs he actually levitated me off of them

And then Vivian and End scolded me some more idk
I guess it's just a culture thing but I don't know why nobody never lets me do my own thing like
If I get hurt it's my own fault? I don't see what right they have to interfere in the things I want to do
But they said they were worried or something.

It used to be just Shanta babying me but now it's like...everybody? Does literally no one see me as their equal? I wish they realize that worrying about me doing dangerous things is literally the most dangerous thing of all? I got kind of upset at End because he seems to do it the most, so I ignored him a little when we went to go get stuff to cook the crabs.

Then everyone was like 'let's give naomi beach spirit yeah' because like I said she was being a mopey a*****e for some reason so they decided to like dunk her in the ocean because of Bijan's joke. I just sort of went along with it when we went back but when Naomi started screaming 'No' it just gave me really bad memories and I got the feeling that they were about to do something bad

So I stopped them.

Then Naomi was even more angry, and End was even more sad, and Vivian was even more curious. Nina appeared. Naomi talked to her and then left to get some restaurant food. I threatened End that I would kiss him again but he seemed really against it. Then it was kind of awkward and I offered Nina some crab and yeah.

Then I went off to find Naomi because for some reason being next to End was making me feel weird so I wandered over to where the dock was and found her. I asked her if she was okay and she was like 'I'm not telling you anything!!!' and stuff. Like, I asked if you were okay. I literally don't care what's wrong with you. Then Nina appeared and I went to use the bathroom and when I came back literally everyone was there. Nina was dumb enough to ask what happened to Naomi when she got wet, and Vivian was suuuuuuuper curious.

We went to the dock. I sat for a little and stared at the water and End sat next to me again and Vivian was talking about some mermaid...? Then she pushed Naomi in the water and Naomi freaked out and then swam away. So I followed like everyone else.

There were these weird wheezy sounds and coughing and she was hiding behind some rocks when everyone caught up. Both me and Bijan thought she might have some water curse on her, so I told everyone to step back and let us see first. Then I went to go check.

Err...she had scales all over her and her hair was green and she couldn't talk? And she couldn't breathe. But she splashed water on her neck and stuff. She said she didn't want to submerge after what happened last time or something. It was really hard to get to her because I had to swim a little (which I cant do) and then climb on the rocks.

Vivian and Nina kept asking about her appearance and stuff and End just asked if she was okay. Then they started coming towards us and End got all nervous again and Naomi gave him a boost with water magic towards me. I was a little worried about him getting on the rocks because 1. I didn't want them seeing Naomi when she obviously didn't want people to see her and 2. He seemed really nervous about slippery rocks so it seemed a little silly for him to get on them himself.

So Vivian swam ahead and Bijan tried to distract her and I made a deal with End that I would go in the water if he didn't come up. So I dived and I tried to get myself up but only seemed to be sinking a bit further? But End swam back and grabbed onto me like instantly, so I was alright. The water was really, really cold so I clinged to him. I never see him eat so I would have thought he was more bony??? But he wasn't. He felt, like, solid, and um ok Im ending that there bc I feel weird again

Um, then this mermaid appeared and we went back to the sand (I clinged to the rock and swam by myself because clinging to End was reaaaaaaaally embarrassing) and then she talked to Bijan and everyone and stuff. She seemed to dislike Naomi and Naomi seemed to dislike her, though. Bijan really liked her though. He's a really friendly guy to anything that isn't humanoid or elven.

I tried to get End's attention to tell him thanks but he was fussing over Naomi coming back and I felt it rude to interrupt (but I also felt a little lonely? which is weird bc there are like 3 other people there and I'm a Lucian feeling not-lonely is our thing isnt it) and so I clung to Vivian's sleeve a little. She said I was weird when I said I felt like I hadn't done it in a while, but didn't ask any questions, and for some reason it really reassured me.

I sort of asked her for a coat and she let me borrow one and we all went back. (Naomi with green hair. She told us not to tell anyone. Who cares if she can turn into a mermaid or whatever though...?) She called herself dangerous and told us not to get near her.

Meh. Can't be more potentially dangerous than me, to be honest. And I don't really want to be near her, anyways. End said that she seemed to be a little nice and concerned about Vivian in the Catacombs but to me that seemed more like a scientist keeping watch on a lab test that was acting pesky more than anything else.

We went back. I started sneezing a lot. Shanta was there so I asked her about why I was acting weird around End (I think it was a reaction to the thing) but she was like 'you like him' and I was like 'obviously' and then she said that I should ask him on a date and I was like NO.

Bijan forced us to make soup and I FELT REALLY AWKWARD AND STUFF and everyone said it tasted good which made me really happy and also miss my mom a lot. I think I can technically send my family letters, so maybe I'll start doing that. Anyways we all ate soup and Bijan told Vivian and Vivian supported Shanta's decision and I was like 'no im gross' and End said I wasn't and just UGH

UGH UGH UGH UGH

She started pushing me towards him too like?? WHY

I'm literally the absolute last person who deserves to have a crush on anybody like no no no that does not work and it is not going to work out ever
Like it's not even about how End probably sees me as some baby gopher that he has to make sure doesn't slam it's head against a rock and accidentally die or something or that he's basically nice to everybody or that he was obviously uncomfortable when I threatened to kiss his cheek again
Ok so it sort of is but whatever
The point is that I do not have the margin to be going out and having crushes on people and also I am gross and boys don't usually like other boys even if I do look sort of like a girl and the mermaid/shanta/sometimes vivian called me pretty
And also asking out End on a date is impossible because the whole thing is impossible and there are LOTS OF REASONS WHY IT WOULD MOST DEFINITELY NOT WORK OUT MOSTLY RELATING TO ME AND THE NATURE OF MY HUGE, ANNOYING PROBLEM

also Im gross

but, like, Bijan didn't verbally oppose it or anything. Like he made fun of me for it and poked fun at End and stuff but he didn't wholly disapprove?? He said that he technically should but he had been a position like mine before and 'that sort of thing can't be forced to stop unless you genuinely want it to, and I have a feeling you don't anyways so who cares'

He said that nothing is going to come out of it anyways logically so I shouldn't worry too much about it
Which makes me feel a little better I guess

But I also still feel really awkward HURGH

They talked about his mask for a while, Bijan made fun of him, more 'blah blah listen to end muna' jokes from vivian and shanta, shanta went to go get me cold medicine which I won't use because it will not work for other obvious reasons that other people don't need to know about relating to the nature of my Problem. (I think I'll just start calling it that)

Um then I started to get the feeling of really getting sick b/c I swam (yet nobody else got sick that is SO unfair) and Shanta pushed me onto the carpet and End took the ridiculous amount of soup Bijan forced everybody to make because he knew I had the potential to get bedridden.

Oh! But I started practicing other spells with the marble instead of just lumos. They all suck s**t and everything, but at least I'm getting better at multiple than just one at once. I guess if I do I'll have to ask Averill to give me notes if I get stuck in bed. He'll probably scold me for not going to class or something, but.

Ah well. Long day


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[Siyaahi]

7. where things get slightly better and I wasnt supposed to go outside but I did anyways

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'Problem' acted up. Had to cover up most of my body because the text kind of throbs occasionally on my body when I cough & sneeze. Like it's trying to do it's original job. Should have stayed inside. Got some soup and went out anyways.

Met Shanta and Vivian. It was Vivian's birthday and stuff, and of course Bijan freaked out because he holds birthdays to be really important. So we decided to go to Flare, and this time I decided to go as a boy. Uh, Shanta and Vivian went out to play games while I went outside. I figured I could just ditch them for the majority of the time and bring the Merchant some sandwiches or something. He really doesn't eat properly, so I do it occasionally. He always makes comments but eats the whole thing so I make a habit of it.

But then I ran into End. Apparently he heard that there was a celebration for Vivian. It was...kinda awkward, especially after what Shanta said to me the day before. I told him that I was about to go and of course he asked me where I was going, but then I told him that it was bad if I got too close and he said that it didn't really matter because....we were both wearing masks?

Something about the way he said it seemed really off to me, so I came back and pointed it out. He insisted he wasn't going to say anything else and I told him it wasn't good to lie and he started getting really uncomfortable. Then I heard some really worrying shouting from Shanta so I ran back inside.

Apparently Vivian was just helping her with this arcade game. I mentioned End being there and...yeah. It was awkward. Shanta went out to get food, Vivian pointed out my awkwardness (well what ELSE am I supposed to feel you know?) and then I played against her in the zombie game. Apparently I wasn't doing it right though because I lost. Well, I didn't really expect to win. Vivian was crazy good. But the zombies sure were cool looking

Then we ate honey barbecue wings. They were pretty good. Shanta mentioned a dancing thingy upstairs so I was definitely all up on board for that, so I kinda rushed everybody and went up. I dragged Vivian because I dunno, I felt like maybe End might get annoyed with me if I dragged him around too much, and then we just kinda danced.

It was really, really fun. It's been a while since I danced. I was having a lot of fun so I kinda...forgot about everybody else. Bijan floated off to go give somebody else company, and a lot of people surrounded me when I danced. This weird kid hopped into the circle and started dancing too. I clapped cause I didn't know what to do? Then the DJ turned the music onto a slow song and I immediately got off the floor to Vivian.

She suggested me asking End or something all smug like. Bijan came back so I could fervently deny doing such a thing because 1. WHY and 2. WHY and 3. NO WAY

And then one of my more problematic customers showed up. Vivian was pretty calm when she faced him, but he ended up dragging me off anyways. He took me outside and behind Flare, and started accusing me of giving people in his gang cheaper prices. I put the mask back on while he took me so he didn't memorize my face too much. I told him that his friends were probably lying to him and he got madder then slammed me against the wall.

Of course, I was lying to him. There's this other guy in his gang that was my first customer when I was starting out for the Merchant, and he's quite nice. He's given me a lot of tips and is generally pretty nice in comparison to the other people I deal to, so I cut the prices a little for him. I didn't expect anyone to actually find out, but I had a feeling the guy who brought me back behind Flare was just waiting for a chance to beat me up anyways.

Obviously I wasn't about to let that happen. I've lived in a bad neighborhood for long enough that I know how to take care of people bigger than me. My mom's taught me a few things here and there -- not like proper self defense, but enough, plus the tips that the nice guy has given me -- and I was about to dig a knee into the guy's stomach when...End appeared?

He kind of called out to me, and the guy realized what my name was and got really happy. Then Shanta appeared and I realized everyone had followed after me...again. I knocked him in the stomach while he was busy threatening to use my name to out me to everyone else, and Shanta suggested running. I sort of nodded, but before I ran I used some of the amnesiac powder the Merchant had given me recently to sell.

Then, of course, Shanta got all disapproving when we stopped running and End started asking me stuff and Vivian was...calm. End kept on insisting that I should stop doing what I was doing and that I shouldn't keep secrets that was harming me. Idk, it felt a little hypocritical coming from him. Stuff like 'you shouldn't be doing that' doesn't really ring well with me, I think.

The conversation was going kind of fast and everyone was speaking at once but then Vivian said 'I believe in you' and me and just Bijan just...stopped.

It was possibly the most surreal thing that has ever happened to me. Because one of the answers -- the thing that only me and Bijan are supposed to know -- it was just given to me. Like that. I asked her to repeat it again and she did, and for a second I felt like...unclogged.

Something in the curProblem responded. And all I could think about was my parents trying to encourage me before I left for Merlin and how they said 'maybe you'll be able to solve it there with Bijan.' I didn't believe them, obviously, because I knew they were just trying to make me feel better but, for a second I kind of felt like maybe I wasn't such an impossible case after all.

Just like that.

I sort of felt like crying, but I also felt like squeezing Vivian in the tightest hug absolutely possible, so I just kind of did the second. It felt nice. She didn't understand what exactly she did me, of course, but the fact that she believed in me in itself made me feel really, really relieved.

So she said that maybe we should go to the nurse's office because I had this huge bump on my head and I agreed because she said so and she believes in me and yeah. We went back to campus, End seemed kind of angry but I wasn't really sure why because I was too busy feeling happy for myself and this goddamn Problem. So I got an ice pack, and then we just sort of left.

Then Vivian had to go, and End's mood seemed to get slightly better, and the remainder of us went to bake Vivian a cake. Shanta was gathering ingredients cause she had a recipe her mom knew and me and End...talked. I explained the Merchant thing to him because it felt a little unfair to keep him in the dark about something I pretty much told everyone else just because I was too embarrassed to tell him. He took it pretty seriously, and insisted on helping out. I asked him why because he seemed really adamant about it (he said that it didnt matter if the merchant didnt know) and he said he was concerned for, and I quote, "you....r safety."

I don't know what I was expecting, but for some reason the only thing I could think of when he said that was 'of course' all sarcastic like. I dunno what I was hoping for, but for some reason I felt kind of disappointed.

Anyways he didn't push on helping me out so I think I might just conveniently forget about mentioning it to him. I go out a lot to Justus, and it's kinda...not something I want other people getting involved with? Especially not End. I don't want people bothering him every time he steps foot into Justus. He's just too...nice. I probably couldn't be able to handle it if I did that to somebody. I was touched he wanted to help because he seemed to go for that option immediately, but it's really something I should be handling myself. It's easy to talk about to Shanta and stuff because she won't get involved. Honestly, the less people involved the better. I've racked up a sort of reputation for myself. Thinking I should look into a more proper form of self defense. Ask Ari or something.

End also said something about only having one life. He dragged it out pretty weirdly. More on that later though.

I figured I might as well explain my actions -- since I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a gopher that will most definitely slam it's head into a wall and crush it's skull -- and basically straight out told him I'm living on borrowed time.

Which, I am. I tried to make it seem like it was no big deal, but...I think about it a lot. Especially when I'm sick, the Problem feels like it's trying to do what it was always supposed to do, so it can be kind of scary sometimes. That's a lie. It feels scary all the time. I know I'm supposed to be happy about what my grandfather did for me, but

Anyways. Shanta chose that moment to reappear with ingredients, scaring the s**t out of the both of us, and we set to making the cake and this one i found in a recipe book. The one in the recipe book was really weird -- it was called 'Gert's Baking Recipes' and had the word 'manly' in it so I picked it up. The cake I found was pretty simple -- pepper, a rock, sugar icing stuff and this spell Shanta cast on it. We got it done before the actual cake so we baked it first at 'max for 5 seconds'.

The oven made this BOOOM sound and bam, there was a cake. We let it cool for a while talking about how End has to take off his mask to eat and I suggested we eat on separate sides of a room because eating by yourself seems a little lonely? And he seemed to hesitate but then sorta agreed. I dunno, I just suggested it because End always seems to be on his guard around everybody. Also he gets really uncomfortable when people start talking about him.

So then the cake cooled and Shanta+I got some. Bijan stopped me from eating any after Shanta had ate some because 1. mom told him not to let me eat a lot of sugar and 2. he mentioned the fact that I wouldn't really be able to eat any cake when I got home because we don't exactly have the money to eat it so...I didn't.

It was a good thing I didn't, because Shanta grew a bunch of arms and smacked Bijan into a wall. End started throwing spoons at evil-arm-shanta (I think to distract it?) and I ran for Bijan. I checked the book and it was pretty hard to read before I realized what I had to do. Meanwhile End was kind of getting barraged with spoons.

I grabbed the cake and shoved it into Shanta's mouth while her arms were still throwing stuff and that basically made them stop, so I went over to check on End because obviously somebody who was getitng hit with a barrage of goddamn spoons isn't exactly going to be okay. He kept on insisting he was fine, and I guess I sort of accidentally got into his personal space again because he warned me about being close. There was this scratch on his mask and I sort of dragged my finger on it without thinking and he...sounded like he was hurt? So I backed off immediately when I realized that I was probably doing something pretty bad.

Shanta helped Bijan (????? so weird, they literally hate eachother but from the sounds of it they had a pretty civilized conversation) about the thing I think, I was too busy picking up spoons, and End said something about telling him because he wanted to help out but Bijan just snorted and said that everyone felt like that.

Which, well, is true. That's why the plan was to have people either hate my guts or just generally not talk to me in the beginning. The more distance I put between the people I care about, the safer they are. That's kind of how it works for people who have 'things' like me.

Anyways, Shanta went to go get plates for the rest of the cake, and End+I were left alone. End started up the conversation from a bit before, and he admit to something...weird. It was the sort of thing that made me wonder how exactly old he was, and also the sort of thing I was surprised he was telling me because End is literally the last person I would expect tell people about themselves. He said that he told me cause of the thing I said about borrowed time and figured I could relate and...yeah. Made me feel a little grateful that I had made such a risky confession.

Still it's just...I dunno. It must be really hard on him. Like, especially hard, because End is super, super nice. He treats everyone well and he's even nice to Naomi and he always seems to easily accept the good in people and...yeah. He just seems so soft hearted, and he always seems a little tense, so I get a little worried sometimes. (A little more worried now after the thing he talked to me about.)

I told him that my grandfather basically 'altered the terms of a punishment for me' which was basically all I could say without the cuProblem revealing itself and I expressed my feelings about his thing and he insisted that it was no big deal. Which...I guess, is fine, but I don't think there is any harm in admitting how bad your situation is? In that sense, it felt a little like he was kind of running away from the gravity of his own situation by convincing himself through other people that everything wasn't as bad as it seemed.

I wanted to tell him that it was okay to admit how bad things were, but then, well, Shanta reappeared again. It was a little awkward because I felt like I was about to drop some risky emotional bomb (because I mean, my assumptions could always be wrong considering he only told me like one thing) and End wandered off into the pantry. There were like weird chewing sounds on the other side, but Bijan payed it more attention than I did.

Why? Because Shanta mentioned going off to the desert for a trip after the semester break. Obviously my first assumption was that she was getting married, which was apparently wrong, but I suggested going with her because she said that she had been too scared to cross the desert last time and just...I don't know, maybe I could offer her support or something. I suggested playing as her lover, which she said wouldn't really work, and obviously it was easy to guess from there that she was engaged.

So she was going to the desert again and Bijan insisted that I&End go too (he wanted to go as well, he can be a little cute sometimes OK. NO. THAT WAS NOT A THING I WROTE. SHUT THE ******** UP, MUNA.) and she seemed a little unsure of everything but Bijan was really adamant and convinced her to let us go along. She mentioned us getting possibly lost, and Bijan mentioned his 'friend', and then I just...

Yeah. Stopped talking for a moment because I remembered what promise Bijan made to his friend about reentering the desert and what purpose the marbles actually served and...lots of things. Like how he isn't actually bound to me other than the curse, and even by that it's technically force. Our relationship was forged out of the necessity of needing to be together because Bijan took up his role to me as a form of repentance for his own misdoings. I agreed with it because I felt guilty for him and even with my dad being bound as well I was kind of still on the verge of dying at age eight.

But...I'm not anymore. I'm more physically capable than I was, obviously, and well, part of the curse broke off so it won't be as bad as the time that the catacombs, either. I could technically let go of him. I should technically let go of him.

Doesn't mean I want to. Not wanting to doesn't mean I won't.

He still had a life before me, and even if he messed it up it still existed and he had/would have the possibility for happiness if it wasn't for me. I know he can fix things, because Bijan is one of the most capable people I know in all. And capable people don't deserve to be tied down by gloomy fifteen year old boys who can't talk.

I don't know. I really don't. There are still things about Bijan that I don't understand after being with him for seven years. Like if he'd be willing to stay with me when freedom is offered to him. He bound himself to me after the Catacombs, but that isn't going to the goddamn desert. I know the probability of him leaving rises with him meeting his old 'friend' and I know it would be even worse if he didn't meet him but I don't want him to.

But...I guess there isn't any point in worrying about that kind of thing yet. If I told Bijan all my worries I know he'd always have a simple answer -- he always does -- and I know this time he probably will. I know it's bad to avoid things, but I just...won't worry about this yet. Yeah. It'll be a little while until the end of the semester, anyways. I think Shanta said December.

I just want to get it down, I guess. My worries. I don't want to tell anyone these kinds of things, because I know me and Bijan don't really seem that close to other people and after admitting my feelings to other people I just end up feeling really really really stupid. So I won't do it. But if I write it here, then nobody will read them. (And I don't want Bijan to become my familiar, because that's kind of a ridiculously large insult to everything that he's every had to go through.)

Anyways, this s**t will probably end up not mattering at the end. Who knows. Who cares. I'm just being a stupid whiny teenager again probably. Actually, I'm beginning to think I focus on myself a little too much.

Anyways. Shanta agreed. That will be fun, I guess. Woo. I'll focus on seeing how much of an a*****e she's marrying, I guess. End can help me. Yeah! It'll be cool. Hopefully.

Then we all said our goodnights after wrapping some cake for Vivian and left, and here I am three hours later still on this dumb journal entry.

At least I don't feel like death as much as I did in the morning. I think I can thank Vivian's genuine expression of her belief in me in that. The cold medicine Shanta gave me also worked thanks to that. For once, I don't feel like I'm literally on the verge of dying when I'm sick. Hopefully this means my immune system is going to be better too.

Okay, so like, my hand hurts from writing so much. Goodnight.



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[Siyaahi]

8. "Idiots go to an amusement park" (title reccomended by Bijan)

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Another long, long day. In fact, it's so long I dunno if I remember all the details

I found this flier for a haunted amusement park on the bulletin board and was about to try out the instructions on the back to get there when Shanta&End appeared literally at the same time.

It spooked me a little. Seems like every time Im about to do something potentially dangerous they appear out of literally nowhere. Vivian appeared a little while after that so I hid behind her because for once her arrival was the least scary out of everyone there.

I showed them the flier. Naturally nobody was keen on it (even Vivian who I tried to convince to go with me) and Vivian asked if I was planning on going anyways. I said yes, naturally, and everyone pretty much quickly agreed after that. Easy as pie. I'm beginning to find the fact that people seem to follow after me less annoying and actually kinda convenient. Heheheh. Shanta looked a little exasperated when I gave Vivian the affirmative. It's not like not having anybody to go with has stopped me from doing things, after all. I just...like their company is all. I still prefer to do things by myself, but I don't mind going on trips and stuff it's with them. But I'd fall asleep for half a semester before I told them that!!!

Of course nobody knew how to get there and were like 'oh well, ha-ha' but while they were talking I picked up a stick and did the instructions for the teleportation circle on the back of the poster. Managed to get us all there. They were really confused when I did it but Shanta seemed to have realized it half way and was pretty impressed when we managed to get there. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. All you have to do for a teleportation circle is follow the instructions and radiate magic. Bijan says I'm better at radiating it instead of concentrating it into one place and then a channeler because of the 'Problem'.

Nobody knew where we were when we got there. We were standing in front of these huge, spooky metal gates that lead into this abandoned amusement park. Everything was all overgrown and stuff.
Anyways the flier flew out of my hand when I held it up to Shanta to show that it had directions on getting back to merlin, so I ran into the amusement park to chase after it. Then everyone kinda followed after me into the middle of the park, all panicked like and stuff. Shanta and End seemed a bit more nervous than me and Vivian, as they always kinda seem to. Shanta suggested that we stayed together because the place seemed a bit spooky and End readily agreed. Naturally I asked what would happen if we had to pee, but Vivian said that we could all just go to the bathroom together. Then she mentioned that she thought the place probably didn't have running water, considering it was abandoned.

I guess nobody noticed the scary clown-mask guy in the water bottle stall. I was gonna walk over to him but Vivian grabbed onto me before I could get closer and End stopped me verbally. Not that words can stop me from doing something, he just sorta called my name out in that way that people seem to do whenever I'm about to do something dangerous. I actually kinda find it fun to hear the different levels of panic that people can express through my name. When I told Bijan that he gave me this slightly wary look and said that I might have 'mildly sadistic tendencies'. I dunno what that means.

Anyways, about the clown. End seemed visibly disturbed and was too creeped out to go over, Shanta suggested that we don't go over there and Vivian waved & said hi.

That's kind of all of their personalities summarized in a sentence, now that I read over it.

The clown was weird and silent for a little bit but then when he found out we had no money for water bottles he got a little angry. Then he calmed down immediately and told us we could use tokens to get water, so we went to find game stalls. First we went to this stall with snakes.

Oh but before we went to the stall with snakes I ran off again and Shanta said that I was worse than her cat. I (jokingly, obviously) made this pawing motion and mouthed 'meow' (because I can't say it, duh) but she wasn't very impressed. Her cat responded back though!!! It was super cool! I really like cats. Dogs are cute too, actually. The ones in America were a lot more healthy looking than the ones in the desert (as far as I can remember) but I never tried going up to any of them. I think I heard Vivian say 'cute' when I tried repeating the action to the cat, but I decided to just ignore it.

We reached the stall. Over the counter the stall was just a snake pit. They looked venomous and was hissing everywhere. (Bijan later said that they were actually just painted over. I guess just in case one of them did end up biting somebody.) This disembodied voice with a really annoying verbal tick (he kept making sssssssssssssssssssssssss sounds) told us we had to grab a snake to win. End was not about going in there but Vivian jumped in so I figured hey, why not, so I joined her. End got in after that and Vivian started abusing this snake while Mist (Shanta's cat) chased after one like she was gonna eat it. After Bijan told us that the snakes weren't actually poisonous Vivian went all out. I went to stand next to End near the counter because he looked really uncomfortable and suggested that he stood outside of the stall after wondering why he wasn't playing because I assumed he would be good with animals. (Animals like kind souls.) He refused, doing that weird stilt-y word thing he does (this time it was 'because you...all' are in the snake pit thingy or something) and when I pointed it out he got all flustered and apologized. Vivian bumped a snake and got it and these token poofed out of nowhere. They had Vivian's face on it except half of her face was rotting.

Oh right, I forgot to mention. I fell while I was getting out of the stall and these three dots appeared on my face. They were reaaaaaally tiny words written in Farsi, and everyone seemed to point them out. Bijan told me later while nobody else was paying attention that it was a side effect of pushing through one of the tiers. He said that there will be more effects the farther we unbind the 'lock' grandfather put on me. Which...I still have mixed feelings about. I feel like I've made good enough friends at Merlin that maybe it'll be possible, but I'm scared. I don't know what will happen when I unbind it. It's the only thing I can do before I can actually reach the Problem itself but I still...

Okay. Back to the day. Then Vivian did this REALLY weird thing where she rolls her eyes back and it reminded me of...things that I didn't really want to remember. It grossed me out really hard so I hid behind End. Bijan mentioned the gross de ja vu, Shanta asked what he was talking about, he used the excuse of a horror movie (even though we don't have cable back home.)

Then while we went searching for more stalls we found this regular lookign house. Vivian had to use two of her tokens to get inside. I went up the stairs and this hand grabbed my suddenly into a closet. Then I got dunked with cherry sauce. When I came out everyone seemed pretty surprised, and End kind of had like a mini panic attack. I told them it was just cherry sauce and Vivian took some off my face and said it tasted good. Another disembodied voice started off and said we had to find body parts and the murderer but to be careful because one of us might be the victim. (Even though I had already gotten kidnapped?) I think End was paranoid about me getting lost again and he seemed kinda scared in general so I (eagerly) offered my hand to him and we held hands. It's definitely not something two platonic male friends do, but at this point in time I've pretty much given up on trying to put a bit of distance between us. It's easier to just be his friend, because that's what I want in the first place.

Shanta found half an arm. Literally split down the middle, with like 2 and a half fingers. She lit a lumos in the room she found it in but there was nothing else in there. Vivian tried some of the blood on the wall but apparently it was just paint. I asked her how she knew it was and she was like 'I don't want to talk about the incident.' Weird. ANYWAYS Shanta made these comments about Bijan that sort of reminded me what I was going to have to (probably) do at the end of the semester, so I got a little upset. This body dropped down into the doorway when Vivian tried to exit the room and the voice said that it was real but Bijan said it was just rotting cow meat smell.

Gross.

I kinda shoved it past while dragging End out, and it hit him in the face. Which naturally I felt really guilty about, and I made sure that he (and his mask) was okay. His mask seems to be really sensitive...I checked it out to make sure nothing had happened because he made this little sound of pain, and the scratch from last time was gone. Freaking weird. I'm beginning to think that End's mask might be a more vital part to him than I last suspected. He seems to really get hurt when it gets impacted with something, not to mention the thing got a scratch from flying spoons last week, so...

Oh, I don't know. I was worried. Anyways we went back down the hall when Shanta's cat ran off and I got grabbed again by the same guy who grabbed me before. The disembodied voice argued with him for a while and the fake-murderer dragged me off through this secret hallway. I met with Shanta and he threw blood on us before saying that he was gonna pretend like he was killing us. He rose up his knife and End/Vivian chose that moment to appear. And End kind of lost it a little.

And I mean he ran in front of me faster than I've ever seen him move and swung back his fist like he was about to beat the guy up. Which was, frankly, surprising. Because this is End we're talking about -- Even Shanta acknowledged how much of a softie he was that day. Literally the sweetest person I think I've ever met, and he was about to punch somebody. He stopped before he did it, but Vivian kind of took over and kicked him in the crotch. She went all out on him, which was a little disturbing so I decided to ignore it. End kind of regained his senses but he was still a little out of it because he kept asking me if I was alright and if I had gotten hurt and....it was a little overwhelming. But like, the kind of overwhelming that makes you feel happy. Well, I felt happy.

Usually I hate being coddled, but, um, yeah. I guess because it was End, who is nice to everyone, did it, I felt a little special. I know I'm probably just being delusional and wearing rose colored glasses or something, but I can still like the feeling!

God, I'm getting defensive in my own journal. This is just stupid.

Anyways Vivian got another pile of coins because the disembodied voice was happy she beat up the murderer, and.....whatsherface small ekaterina girl was standing outside the house. Nina. She hung out with us a little while as we went to this water-gun shooter stall thingy, except there was this big fat worm that spit out water when Bijan poked it. Vivian already had coins so End and Shanta went at it, but End's aim sucked and he was using a gun while Shanta was using the worm. Nina disappeared because she hated worms or something. She's ******** weird. She did this weird scream-y thing when she saw the worms.

Anyways End has terrible aim so I helped him from behind. I thought he might not be pressing the gun hard enough so I pressed it over his finger, but Shanta got the head start so she ended up winning. End just sort of....stood there. I don't really know why. I think Shanta called me 'dense as metal' because I was confused. Went to go talk to Vivian while Shanta's cat purred all over End. End pet Mist for a little until Mist licked End's mask, and then he just started moving again and set her down. Still, I was totally right. Mist loved him. Animals can sense kind souls. Vivian mentioned that Mist seemed to hate her, so I kind of made up for it by saying that I liked her. She felt better after that.

Still, I wasn't kidding around when I said that animals like kind souls. Maybe it's just elf instinct or something, but the fact that Mist didn't like Vivian just makes me a bit more wary of her. Something is really, really off with her. I know this for sure, but after the storybook incident I stopped making a show of minding it. I don't know. She's changed, but she's still herself, and Vivian is still kind to me and her friends. Whatever is wrong with her, it'll show itself eventually. But she's still my friend, and I wouldn't be able to ostracize myself from her because she is my friend, so I just won't bother.

Um, next we went to the bumper cars. Me/Shanta/Vivian talked for a little and they found out I had a journal, which was apparently interesting? Vivian asked what I wrote in there, etc. etc. I dunno, I thought everyone had journals. Eventually we all went (save for Shanta) to choose monster-car things and we were going to make End win on purpose. Luckily he got a really aggressive one. I got bumped out first so I went to go talk to Shanta as End and Vivian tried to get Vivian out of the ring thing. We had a bit of small talk for a little bit, and then it fell silent.

I was going to ask her if she trust me. But what instead came out was 'I found out' and she got nervous. Luckily End took that moment to smash into Vivian so I just made a shush motion on my mouth and went over to them.

I chickened out of helping myself. I really am kind of pathetic. I'm just really scared of what will happen when the binding on me gets looser.

Anyways, End got his coins. There was nothing different about him on them. (By the way Shanta got vampire teeth and stuff.) Which I found a little odd, but jokingly commented 'spooky' about. Shanta made a comment that was to the same effect, but I think End got a little self conscious because he wanted to make sure if we were joking. But I was the only one who was without coins so before I could properly reassure him we went to go to the ferris wheel. The carts were two to one, and Shanta basically hustled me and End into one. We got in first while Vivian and Shanta had some problems with fitting Shanta in with her carpet (which she abandoned.) while me and End basically squished in together awkwardly and didn't look at each other. He looked in one direction while I played with the seats.

Then the ride started, and I didn't want us to be sitting all awkward for the whole ride, so I apologized to End for him having to sit with me. I kind of wanted him to have his own choice in the matter, since End seems to just let people decide things for him. And that's not good! He should decide what he wants for himself. But, um, I didn't get to express that sentiment, so I'm a little mad at myself. I'll tell him that one day.

Anyways I fixed up the mask thing by telling him that I actually thought he looked really cool when I first saw him. Then he said that he thought I looked good too, which, okay, ANYBODY WOULD TAKE WEIRDLY OKAY, but he basically took it back after I guess I reacted weirdly. Of course he said it out of necessity. It's like complimenting somebody after they do it first. End is just nice like that but it still kinda sucked major for him to say that and then take it all back. Ugh, I don't know. I'm just...gross. He was like 'oh well but I do mean that' because I guess I looked a little hurt too. He really is a nice guy. It sucks s**t. A part of me hates him a little for it. It's like GOD, stop encouraging me and then saying things in a way that I definitely can't interpret them in a way that I can gain self satisfaction from. But that's uh, a really selfish thought and I know it. I don't genuinely genuinely feel that way, it's just. Yeah.

Anyways. Somehow we got on another topic after I stared out of the window for a few moments and commented on how high we got and I remember him saying something (I think it was about somebody falling from a long height) and I questioned if it was a big rock. It was an obvious poke at what I observed at the beach -- and he basically just confirmed the affirmative, and then I felt really really guilty. Because I just...poked at one of his wounds for a bit of information that I have no real right knowing. I apologized and he thought I was talking about his friend, and he was like 'it's okay' just started talking about how one day he'd tell us things because we deserved to know.

I told him that he didn't really have to tell us anything and that he shouldn't get guilty over something like that because it isn't any of our business but he just kind of insisted. I don't really remember all of the conversation I guess. I just know that we talked about him to that extent and he said something really amazing about explaining things to everyone. I guess in a way End is pretty brave for wanting to explain himself to people. Because from the little he told me in the kitchen a week ago, there is something kind of serious circling him. I know that I'm never going to be able to want to come clean to people about my thing. It's not like I enjoy deceiving people (which I think is what End feels when he hides stuff from us) or never telling anybody things except for Bijan (which is why I really, really appreciate him and I hate it when Shanta says things about him to his face and I don't want to let go of him but I have to because it's a one way reliance situation that he's just tolerating at this point) but I've never had the desire or need to tell people things because...I never felt like it was any of their business, and I didn't have any close friends to feel that way to anyways. When I moved and enrolled in an american school I was still just so...shaken up. And I couldn't talk to people. So I lost my chance afterwards when the trauma just kind of dulled, but I didn't really mind.

But now I'm at Merlin, and somehow I managed to make friends even though I was planning on acting like a jerk to people so they wouldn't want to get close to me, and now there are potential people that might want to help me...? Which just makes me more sure that I shouldn't tell anyone anything. Because their good intentions will just get blown away and I have no right to take away anybody's happiness with my personal s**t. So I have to do this myself. It's just really frustrating because the Problem is the one thing that I can't solve by myself. I need other people to unbind grandfather's 'lock'.

And in any case, it's none of anybody's business. Except for Shanta, now. Which is why I was forced to tell her. I have to tell majority of the situation to anybody who is bound to my 'problem'. I'm sure she probably wants to help with the actual 'problem', too, but there isn't any point in telling her the 'answers' because then she won't be able to answer them and she can't force out them out from anybody else because that won't work for anyone except for me (in certain moments, one of which happened at the bumper cars but I ended up shrinking away from.)

Anyways. The moment I told him that he was a really kind person, the ferris wheel decided to break down.

I leaned out of the window to check what was happening and as our cart shook Shanta/Vivian's did too. Shanta was leaning out too, but I was leaning out farther than her and End like...grabbed my waist.

He grabbed my waist!!!!!!

Probably the most physical contact he's ever actually initiated towards me, and I guess he thought I was uncomfortable and Shanta asked me if I was okay but I was basically just frozen in time because ohhhhhh my godddddd hehuggedmywaist.

I was trying to relish the feeling and like, burn it into my memory because it would probably never happen again. Anyways, I wiggled back into the cart and I heard Shanta yell from outside but when I turned the cart wobbled again and I sort of had to grab onto End's jacket and MAN we were in a position. Bijan kept making comments about it but to make matters worse Shanta told us not to move because apparently she was on the verge of falling. Vivian tried to help her, our cart shook again, and me and End were just in a waiting game of awkward brotouching that is totally not platonic on my side so I guess it isn't brotouching at all ANYWAYS.

We were close to eachother in physical ways.

But Shanta was taking long and Bijan flew off to fetch the carpet and I ended up just kind of lying my head on End because he's mad comfortable. And uh, in the middle of Shanta's life-or-death situation, I fell asleep. On End. I feel kind of guilty about it, but also not, because I basically unconsciously took advantage of an opportunity that will literally never present itself again. So yeah, I fell asleep again.

When I woke up everything had basically gone to s**t.

Somehow I had ended up even farther onto End, and the ferris wheel was going crazy goddamn fast and we were spinning really hard. Shanta was out on her carpet but Bijan had apparently rejoined me and was clinging onto me for dear life. I thought we were on a hamster wheel for a second, though when I woke up End seemed like he had been caught doing something bad or something. I guess he was trying to explain how we got into the position we had (it probably included me being stupid in my sleep or something, I'm 100% sure none of it was End's fault) but I was just like 'End this hamster wheel sucks' and he was like 'Yeah. Yeah, it does'.

Then it just. Stopped. We were at the bottom, and I was basically lying on top of End, and he was like 'you wanna get off first' and I was like HAHA OH RIGHT THAT WAS A THING I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DOING YEP.

Got off of him, my coins poofed. Hid them before anybody could see because they showed something a bit too hinty for my liking. Vivian guessed I was a witch, End was like 'Vivian /you're/ a witch' and I giggled. Which was basically the stupidest ******** thing I could do. End seemed a bit worried because he pretty much figured out s**t happens when I make sound and the conversation continued and we went to get water. I had to sit at a bench and take control of myself.

I can sort of...push it back now. Shove it until it piles up for later. So I forced myself to subdue it until later on the bench, End got me some water (he braved the clown, and I'm going to pretend it was for me and not because I probably looked like I was about to vomit up my insides or something) and Shanta went to the bathroom before coming back. The clown gave us back the poster and I teleported us back home. Bijan quickly got us out of there, but I hugged End before I went because HAHA HEY MIGHT AS WELL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE SITUATION RIGHT. RIGHT. DOESN'T MATTER THAT I DIDN'T HUG SHANTA AND VIVIAN AND JUST KINDA TOUCHED THEIR SHOULDERS RIGHT. I literally ******** hate everything

(But I did enjoy hugging him)

Anyways, managed to isolate myself before the problem finally relished in giving me one of my worse episodes. I think Shanta left right after me, which I don't blame her for but probably made us look suspicious again. It's not the worst episode I've had. The worst were when I was younger, because my body was more sensitive and receptive then. That was plain out hell for Bijan, too. But we managed to pull through. So in comparison this was nothing, but that doesn't change the fact that twofold is a lot less fun than regular. I fainted somewhere along the thoughts of 'I should just give up and die' and 'Swallow. Swallow and choke.' and the feeling that the 'invisible quill' that was writing on my arms was beginning to dig into my bone.

On one hand, I'm considering just getting a tattoo because that will probably feel like close to nothing considering the bullshit that I've had to suffer through. On the other hand, I have absolutely no money for that. Also that's in the nearly impossible chance that my 'problem' goes away. Actually, yeah. If this s**t ever leaves me once and for all I'm going to get a tattoo to commemorate it. Making a promise on paper right here. At this point I'm just really tired of everything. I had to throw away my clothing because the 'stuff' got on it. Ughhhhhhhh it was so gross.

I should apologize to Shanta about that tomorrow, actually. Anyways this was really long and it's really late now. I'm done.




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[Itchigotchi]

From what I can see, this has basically become romance story + a bit of magic and curses to keep it tense.
Yaoi coming-of-age story hoooooo!

#Postin in your thread
#This is what you get for putting a journal in a thread when I want to stalk and leave comments

[Siyaahi]

Itchigotchi

From what I can see, this has basically become romance story + a bit of magic and curses to keep it tense.
Yaoi coming-of-age story hoooooo!

#Postin in your thread
#This is what you get for putting a journal in a thread when I want to stalk and leave comments

I saw this while eating my cereal and choked bc it was so accurate LOLOL

Hope this change of events does not bore u cool )))

[Siyaahi]

9. About video games or something

img

It feels like every other five days I have a strangely long day so there isn't really a point in mentioning it anymore, but for the sake of it I will. Today was a long day.

Uh, I found one of those muggle devices called a 'D.S' while I was on the way to the courtyard. It had a multiplayer option so I figured if I ran into somebody I could play it with them. It's not like I wouldn't mind doing stuff by myself, but all the trips to Justus have taught me that doing stuff is usually a lot more enjoyable when there are other people around. Luckily, I ran into Shanta/Vivian/End so I could just straight up indirectly mention that there was a multiplayer option.

Shanta mentioned that you couldn't play multiplayer if other people didnt have the thingies, so I got kinda sad, but then End appeared, so I was happy again. Bijan was getting annoyed by the theme music so he made me press 'A' and then the whole courtyard turned into a waiting room. Shanta appeared first, naturally, then Vivian & End last. Then these huge boxes appeared over our heads and randomly gave out numbers. Vivian touched hers and got a '72', I could barely reach mine and got a '71' (bijan shared ten of them so technically I had 61 all to myself) , I think End got a '74' or so and of course Shanta got a '92'. Of course she would. Shanta is literally a tank on a carpet.

It turns out they were health points or something. Vivian explained it when we entered this field with these weird slime drop creatures. I kicked one and it died, and this yellow number appeared over my head. Vivian said it was experience points, and if we got enough we could get stronger. Which I was like, hey, cool! I can make up for my shitty health (which I was SO angry about tbh) by becoming super strong! Except I forgot who I was surrounded with.

Vivian bumped everything to death, Shanta basically mowed down everything with her carpet and End just stood there because, like it's been stated a million times, End wouldn't hurt a fly let alone a slime creature. It's a figure of expression or something but I'm like totally sure that End would probably not actually hurt a fly. I eventually shifted to bump even though it took me a few times to kill the slimes like that, because I figured I might as well use the process. I've, uh, sort of caught up in the sense that I can sort of do spells on the marble now, but it's....still not good enough.

Shanta got really far so we had to catch up, but there were all of these ledges along the way so it was a little hard. When we caught up to her Vivian mentioned something about looting the monsters for weapons. All the slimes disappeared and got replaced with these tiny green creatures with clubs. Shanta got rid of one and it basically poofed and turned into gold. So we basically ran around doing that for a while. I transferred some of my exp to End because we had gone up to 2 and he needed to level up as well.

Then we just went on farther and Shanta flied up this cliff face. There was this weird flower next to the cliff face that Bijan pointed out and when Vivian stepped on it she shot up on the air. So I was like, hey, convenient, and went on it myself. I landed on the ledge where we needed to go but I lost some hp for it. Then while End and Vivian were having their difficulties I saw that Shanta was having some trouble with like this larger version of the goblin thingies. Shanta was on the ground without her carpet and she screamed for help and like hell I was going to just stand there and watch that thing club her, so I threw a rock at it. Which caught it's attention.

Which would have been very very bad if it wasn't for the fact that Vivian appeared right after and bumped the thing. Shanta got back on her carpet and started bumping it too, but Vivian's bumps did more damage. Which is kind of weird, seeing as Shanta have more experience, but hey. Might have been a luck thing. I dunno. There were these weird flowers around the area so I picked one up out of curiosity and it started steaming. Bijan told me to get rid of it so I threw it in the air and it...exploded. Vivian shouted that it would be a good idea to, I dunno, throw the things at the goblin thing. (I'll just call it MegaGoblin for now.)

So me and Vivian went all out with that. I think I saw End fretting over Shanta, but I was kind of preoccupied throwing bombs at an expanded version of the little guys we were dealing with, so. Bijan found glass hearts in the pots, which I pointed out to Shanta, and she used that to replenish her hp somehow. Then I think End got hurt and I mentioned them to him. Vivian took care of MegaGoblin with one last bomb and the darn thing exploded into more glass hearts. We all gained a bunch of exp and leveled up, and there was a bunch of loot everywhere.

There were also four weapons. A sword, a bow&arrow, a staff and a shield. I picked up the shield and immediately handed it to End, because giving anything else to him would just seem kind of dumb, and I didn't want him to feel required to beat stuff up if he didn't want to. He protested and said that I should have it because my hp was lower but I got him into it. I feel a little bad for forcing him (especially since I said in my last entry that he should be making his own choices which kind of makes me a hypocrite I guess) but it was for his own good, right?

When I turned around Shanta had picked the sword (which I thought suit her and told her so later but she was just like 'meh') and Vivian had the staff (which makes sense bc her magic is so good) which left me with the bow and arrow. Which I have no idea how to use. Luckily the game seemed to have some sort of thing where you can automatically use the weapon you have, so that was handy. Anyways it turned out that End's shield actually had a ridiculously high attack stat, but we only figured that out when we made it to this weird in between space where it was just a wall that showed a picture with a tip underneath it. (The tip was 'The shield is strong!' or something like that)

It took a while but we (loaded?) arrived to this mountainous trail area. There was a little stall and three different people surrounding a fire. Vivian bought me a potion and Shanta bought some meat, which we had no idea what would do but hey, sounded useful. The travelers around the fire gave us quests, but when End went to go talk to one this weird glitchy sound came from them and End magically got quest rewards. It was a ring and some other stuff. I guess End felt guilty for not doing anything but still having the ring cause he was just fiddling around with it (he offered it to me in the beginning because it was an hp boosting ring which I gave a no to) so without thinking I just kind of...put it on for him.

Cue proposal jokes.

I don't wanna talk about it.

This time there were goats and lizards and ghouls and spiders. We reached the goats first along the path. A few smashed their heads into End's shield which did them all at once, so Vivian got this bright idea about leading the goats to End. So this huge pile of loot started piling up near him and Shanta had gone on ahead. I had my quest done so I decided to like, scout ahead with her I guess. There were lizards which she pretty much took care of by herself because my bow and arrow was basically useless until we reached the spiders. Along the way I kinda complained about it to her (which I regret a little now) considering everyone else's weapons suited them so well.

I dunno, like, I want to be seen as capable as everyone else but I wonder if the only thing I'm good at is taking care of myself. I never really cared about it before because I basically put myself as priority first, but the fact that I suck s**t at actually contributing things during these group trips and basically just playing 'person everyone worries after because they're so goddamn useless' isn't one I really want to acknowledge as existing. I dunno. Blugh blugh blugh here I go again.

Back to the day which I am SUPPOSED to be writing about. I started attacking the spiders (even though Shanta could cleave them with her sword but there were a lot so technically it's better to just use arrows) and Vivian/End caught up only to have a goddamn spider latch itself onto End. Long story short he got poisoned.

This is why he needed the shield, not me! He gave the spider this little bump with the shield while it was basically gnawing away at his flesh. I'm beginning to think that End probably needs the most protection out of all of us. He's like a big baby in a mask. Gosh. somebody needs to stick me in a goddamn prison im gross

Either Shanta or Vivian suggested that the boss might give an antidote, so I decided to go on ahead because I was kind of getting really really worried. Shanta followed after me and we basically tag teamed the spider while End/Vivian stood on the sidelines. Shanta lost her carpet again and the spider kept climbing up the walls of the mountain. (We had gone down the path) It succeeded once, but I got Shanta's carpet out by the time it was climbing up a second time. It kept on shrieking and I think Shanta had basically stopped caring because she flew back up there to try to stop it. (She tried the first time it started climbing, which is how I think she got knocked off in the first place.)

Anyways, Shanta cast mute on it and it...died? Somehow. While it was falling. So it exploded onto the ground into the antidote, more weapons, and hearts. You know the deal. Vivian disappeared (probably lagged out) and we got weapon choices of nun chucks, a whip, a spear, and an axe. I convinced End to keep the shield, Shanta took the axe and since Vivian just left I got the other three.

Anyways, before Vivian left the two were zoning out hard, so it was just kind of me and End. I hugged him earlier and he was a bit uncomfortable so I told him that I'd stop doing it, but then he kept on insisting it was fine. He said that he wasn't used to it and wanted to, uh, practice? So I figured that was kind of my cue to like, go over and help him out. So I did.

I mean, it's not like I haven't hugged him before. But I guess there is a difference between proper hugging and like, bam 5 seconds I'm totally platonic for you hugs. Though I'm probably pretty bad with those too but that isn't the point ANYWAYS WE HUGGED A REALLY LONG TIME. To be honest I was waiting for some verbal cue from End, and I kinda knew he would be waiting for me to let go first so I was just taking advantage of the situation.

Shanta cut in halfway, unzoned out. We talked about some stuff, then she uh, zoned out again. Me and End ended up in a slightly less compromised position but it was still awkward cause she re-unzoned out. Then we moved on.

The tips started getting a little weird. I wasn't really paying much concern to them, but Shanta and End seemed a little concerned. Ah, well. So we ended up in this garden-type area. The monsters were essentially flower based, and some of them kidnapped End. They were ridiculous over powered but walked really slow, so me and Shanta kinda followed after them for a while until she suggested we leave him behind to go find the queen's area. I was like eh, no monsters are gonna come up to him when he's being carried by the queen's crazy powerful guards, might as well. I guess Shanta was surprised that I was willing to leave End but honestly as long as he's safe I'm good.

The flowers slooooooooooowly started turning into lilies. When we reached the queen's boss room it was like this super long hallway that kind of reminded me of those church walkways that brides walk through. End was on the other side with like, a flower crown and oh my god he looked so cute stuff. He couldn't really get out of the chair and the queen came in with her huge bud-head and green stalk body all like 'OMG, I'M GONNA MARRY YOU, LOOK AT ALL OF THESE MEANINGFUL FLOWERS THAT YOU OBVIOUSLY PICKED OUT YOURSELF WHILE YOU WERE TOTALLY NOT BEING DRAGGED AWAY BY MY UNDERLINGS.'

Me and Shanta went at it. I distracted while she whacked with her axe, but we ran into quite a few problems with this one. Queenie spit out this poison stuff and she nearly got me. Blah blah I think I remember the queen used poison vines but I don't remember. Anyways, Bijan suggested that he go off marry End to like, break her heart or something. Shanta was like GOOD IDEA MUNA GO MARRY END and I was just NOPE YOU STILL NEED ME TO DISTRACT

So Bijan went off to fake-marry End. Surprisingly, it worked. The queen rotted away but she didn't give us any hearts or anything, which really sucks s**t. End looked really upset when she was dying cause she just kinda decayed away. Luckily we mass leveled up to 10 somehow (I guess cause we didnt really kill that many monsters save for Shanta's tank self) and were able to change classes. End chose 'vigilante', Shanta chose this weird thing called 'magical girl' which she already is so idk why she chose it, and I chose 'assassin'.

End got this cool utility belt and his stats were +speed, +bravery and +dead parents. He was a little worried about the last one.

I got twin daggers and this ability to see weak spots on the monsters in the form of a red circle, and my stats were +poison immunity +stealth and +accuracy.

Shanta's stats....uh, I don't remember. I was kind of distracted by her whole transformation. She turned super girly and her stats shot up and she started screaming all of these weird adjectives mixed together into like lazer beams from her sparkly wand. Even her carpet changed.

The new land was like, lava and volcanoe-y. We bought some stuff and End somehow ended up talking to this glitching dwarf. In the end he got more free stuff for rescuing the dwarf's family. (even though he didnt actually do it) It was like a ring of second life and some other stuff.

We went on. Shanta basically blasted a bunch of stuff while yelling a bunch of weird lines, and all End could mostly do was stun the things. The monsters didn't notice me at all -- a few crawled up on me, actually. End got one off but ended up getting burnt in the process. He was pretty straightforward about it. Bravery stat, I guess.

We continued and had to climb up this huge volcano. Shanta ascended first, and I was about to just outright climb when End was like 'you can go with me' cause he had a hookshot. So, um, we went. It was kind of hilarious and fun and also really weird. I was kind of just hanging onto End when we reached the top, so it was basically up to him to get us to the ledge?

And we were a looooooong way up and the fact that I couldn't do anything but hang on was a little terrifying so I just...hung on. As hard as I could. And then End got us through somehow and apparently I had been clinging onto him SO I STOPPED and bam shanta was fighting a phoenix.

Helped her out there. I managed to get the jump on the thing and it started like, barrel rolling in the air and stuff. I clung onto it with my legs and dug a knife into one of the red spot-things that I was seeing. Then, naturally, all of this black s**t has to come out and spew all into my face.

And I KNEW that it wasn't taint, it was too warm and too thin, but...it reminded me. I froze up, and Shanta had to catch me when the phoenix threw me off. We were supposed to fight the thing three goddamn times, and so we regrouped to discuss a shortcut.

On the way entering to help Shanta me/End found this glitch, so I suggested him to mess with it. Then I told Shanta to drop me on the bird again. She refused, saying that she was worried about me, and I kind of snapped at her a little.

There is no point in worrying about me. I'm never going to tell anyone the full story about anything. She's only going to hurt herself if she does something like that.

I got her to fly me closer. End did something with the glitch that messed with the bird, and at Shanta's yell I leapt off. I threw the knife while I was still midair just in case I didn't land, and it hit exactly. Accuracy stat I guess

Then I landed on the bird while it was falling into the lava and glitching up. There was still black blood everywhere, but I managed to ignore it enough to basically jump off of it onto safe ground. I rolled a bit when I hit the ground like how dad taught me. I lost some hp for it (probably more than I could have been able to save since it's been a while since I tried it) but I managed to do it successfully.

The next... I don't remember. It was a rush, and a part of me was still feeling upset. End was worried, some more glitchy stuff. I thanked him, I think. Then we decided to go back, so we did. Shanta left first, and I talked to End a little. I tapped the button midway when he said something, but I missed it. Then I just went back to dorms and...yeah. I don't remember anymore. I've been feeling a little lazy with journal writing but I'll get everything done. It's just been a really hectic week.

Hopefully the halloween event will be a bit more relaxing.



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[Siyaahi]

10. About video games or something (2)

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I'm...not in the mood to write an entry tonight. We went back into the game, and got full fledged outfits. Entered this clock land with these little automaton monsters. My daggers didn't do much, but I learned later I could jam them into the gears.

Vivian got hurt, even after all the s**t I said about keeping track of her. I probably freaked out to an extent that went a little overboard. The game started glitching up really hard, and kept on demanding that we leave and make the game terminal and stuff. I flickered out cause of lag because I was trying to go against it to give Vivian exp, but it didn't work.

We continued. Had some trouble getting to the Boss Gate because it was far up and the glitching tried to make us not be able to reach it. Managed to anyways with Shanta's arm muscle powers. She had to hold the clock hand still. End helped Vivian out and I hopped on ahead of them. I was kind of major upset over what happened with Vivian.

Big guy was a huge automaton. Shanta was deaf and cut the wires while me and End had climbed up on the thing. It went insane. None of my daggers were working. Averill appeared out of nowhere and did more for Vivian than I did the whole entire session. He could heal people.

The thing went after Vivian and Shanta shoved her out of the way. She got electrocuted and just...stayed there. There was an switch on the automaton so I pushed it off. It was Averill's idea. He was strangely really happy. I think he thought he was dreaming.

This timer started appearing above Shanta's head and the game said something about terminating her. Nobody seemed to know what to do, but I was fast enough to get the ring of second life off Vivian (End gave it to her after she lost a lot of points from falling off a ledge due to a monster) and got it onto Shanta. It saved her. I...don't want to know what would happen if it didn't.

We decided to give it a rest since the portal was way up above in the sky.

Eventually everyone left and it was just End and me when we got back. He told me he wanted to tell me something, and he took a while but then just sputtered out a bunch of words at once. I didn't really understand everything he said, but he told me 'I like you.'

And I...was stupid enough to think he meant it that sort of way at first. But obviously he didn't, so I sort of made a show of being all like 'oh yeah I totally feel complete friendship for you too' and it was just...exhausting. He kept apologizing but that's nothing new. I guess he felt it weird to express platonic fondness out loud or something.

Still, it was a terrible end to kind of a terrible day. I felt absolutely exhausted after lying so much.

Bijan was happy, though. Shanta's seal came off and so her part of the thing came back to me. I guess that might be why I feel all sluggish. I'm not used to it in the same way I used to be in the beginning of the year where I could barely talk to anybody. The effect of having a 'problem' weighing down your shoulders for a long time, I guess. But one of grandpa's locks is off and I feel better. I'll be grateful with just this.

I guess the fact Shanta's seal is off is something to be glad about. I'm just not looking forward to the retribution that I'm going to get from it.

Halloween event soon. Have a costume ready. My friend has gotten really into giving me clothes now, so it was easier than I thought. I'll be relying on him from now on, I guess.




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[Siyaahi]

11. Not Relaxing At All

Halloween event today. I know I've mentioned days being super long, but this one was like, extra spectacular long. Like, it felt like two to three weeks more than it felt like a day.

Everything was pretty normal at first. I saw Vivian&Averill. Vivian's outfit just really...unnerved me so I left those two first and wandered until I found Shanta/End. Shanta was a fairy which Bijan was frustrated about and End was just himself but that's okay.

And well, things gradually shifted. The teachers left, there was this huge banging sound. Naomi said that the Blood Pact appeared and that fourth year ekat Sylvia told us that we didn't have to do anything we wanted to before running off somewhere. Averill and Vivian argued with Naomi for a while before following after her with the only other two upperclassmen.

Me, Shanta and End decided to just sneak off. Shanta seemed to do it mostly out of spite for Naomi, I think End figured it was the safest choice, and I just thought it would be a better idea than go charging after a group of criminals. (Which afterwards Bijan made quite a few comments about, but that isn't the point.)

We got the Catacombs door open and it was kinda easy to figure from the dusty footsteps that it was the Pact that went through it. As soon as Shanta went in she spun back around to go listen in on what was happening at the stairs, and I followed after her to make sure she didn't do anything dumb or spontaneous. Seriously, she really is a Janus.

I heard the Headmaster's voice, and Vivian's, and Naomi yelling about Vivian betraying us. Shanta turned back to the Catacombs, and I was really worried for Vivian but Bijan told me that we wouldn't be of any help anyways so we just followed after her. I grabbed End because he seemed to be just plain out confused and we went into the Catacombs.

We found Professor Runesteam. He seemed pretty confused and angry, and we just kind of followed him back out to the Great Hall. We found everybody, but...Vivian was missing. It was kind of easy to assume where she had gone.

She 'betrayed' us? I suppose what she did would usually be seen as a form of betrayal to others. Yet, somehow I can't find myself to be angry. (It would make me a sort of hypocrite, I think. I've done worse than she has yet to do.) The change in her was obvious to me when she reappeared, and to be honest for a while I felt really uncomfortable around her. I guess I just sort of...got used to it?

I knew that whatever had happened would eventually get revealed. So it did. She didn't reveal any secret of ours, so I don't really think she's a traitor at all.

I just want to make sure she's safe. That she can handle herself and knows the risks that she's taking. Without me realizing it I became kind of attached to her. It was a dangerous mistake, but I don't think it's one I could have stopped.

Because Vivian is the type of person to care for others I know it's going to hurt when she feels the backlash of being revealed, and I want to be there to assure her that she'll always have a chance to fix her mistakes or bring herself back. She's not 'Vivian the Merlin Student' or 'Vivian the Blood Pact member', she's just Vivian. Vivian who will occasionally make big or small mistakes due to the situation around her, like everybody else. Vivian whose safety I am very, very worried about.

Writing about these things doesn't make a difference, though. My opinions are highly unlikely to change anything. I'll probably read this later and think myself kind of stupid. If I ever end up helping her it will probably be more because I'm projecting myself in her. Ah, s**t. I kinda wish that she hadn't been revealed. I'm sure everyone feels that way, though.

Life will go on. I've heard that we're going to start being taught defense spells now. I'm slowly but surely beginning to catch up.

I hope I'll at least get to see her again before s**t starts going down again.





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