β d e c e m b e r 2 9 t hοΌοΌοΌοΌ
At this point Bentley had his bad days and his some what good days, but a whole lot more bad days than good. On this particular day he was at least feeling up to the challenge of taking a shower, because to be honest, he couldn't remember the last time he had taken one. His hair being defined as greasy was an understatement and the clothes he wore had probably stunk, but he didn't really notice or care. The task, or even the thought, of taking a shower just seemed too tedious; the idea of self care seeming rather pointless. The issue of leaving the windowsill, that he had been attached too for weeks on end, seemed rather impossible. Although, today, for some reason he really wasn't too sure of, told him that it'd be okay. That if he cleaned himself he'd some how feel refreshed and less worn, because he had felt like that for months now and he couldn't shake it. Bentley could feel himself physically growing worse, and he couldn't help but let it progress in that direction.
Slowly he lifted his body, one that had felt so heavy and like a stone sinking back down into water, but that couldn't possibly make sense. Due to the lack of eating and care for himself, his weight was dwindling; now down to barely a little over a hundred pounds. Bentley made his way into the bathroom and closed the door behind him, not bothering to lock it because locks didn't really exist in this place; "open door policy" or whatever. If he had been feeling any better, he would have protested the lack of privacy, as he did back at the Orphanage, but he knew that it didn't matter. This place controlled his living area and everything surrounding it. He didn't really have the fight or need too, maybe because he didn't have the energy or maybe it was because he was scared to have that much privacy to himself anymore. He really didn't know, and in all the time that he had to think, he refused to ask himself.
When he placed his clothes on the counter he began to strip himself of his old ones, the ones that stuck to his body from the sweaty sleepless nights, he managed to catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror as he pulled off his shirt. From the moment the material had left his body an unwelcome gasp escaped his lips, analyzing the nothingness of what his body had looked like anymore. He knew that it had been bad, he remembered the last time he had taken a hard look at himself, it was the day of Aaron's birthday party, but it was never to this extreme. Bentley had been slender by nature, but this was a whole new definition. All of his bones jutted out of his skin, sure that if he made one wrong move they'd poke through and show themselves. His eyes having heavy circles around them from the lack of sleep, due to his endless nights of not being able too. The hair that sat on the top of his head had been greasy, but if he ran his fingers through it he could feel how thin it had actually gotten due to him unconsciously pulling it out. Overall, he looked liked he could shatter at any moment, and the thought of being so fragile sent a panic rush over his entire body.
Without any hesitation he pulled his eyes from the mirror, as he felt a sudden flush come over his entire body. The heat traveled across his shoulders and up his his neck, casting a shiver down his spine. It continued over his cheeks which he was sure were now a soft shade of pink at this point, but of course he refused to look back to be sure. It finished by snaking it's way down his legs, which now felt almost too shaky to stand with, but Bentley continued anyway. Knowing that if he stopped moving now, his body was collapse in on itself, and he would absolutely lose it.
He turned his body and reached for the faucet, hoping to drown out the stuffy pounding that was suddenly in his ears, but as the water came pouring out of the faucet it was as if everything was now mute, the thumping was all he could hear. His breathing picked up, he was practically hyperventilating at this point, but he didn't know what else to do but get inside the shower. Hoping that if he just continued to act normal then everything would just simply vanish, but oh was he wrong.
As soon as he stepped inside the small cubicle the walls began to tight in on him and the sudden sense of claustrophobia took over. Bentley hardly noticed that the water was far too hot, burning his skin in turn, as he reached over and grabbed the small cloth sitting on the tile in front of him; searching for some sort of distraction.
When the cloth finally made contact with his skin and he saw the suds begin to form, he shut his eyes tightly; so tightly to the point where little white stars were beginning to form underneath his eyes lids. Bentley was just so desperate to hide from the lack of space around him, he figured if he couldn't see it, maybe he could imagine himself else where; of course his mind betrayed him.
"Aaron said I could go home when I get better." Aaron's face crawled into his mind and for a short moment he actually smiled, and was able to take in a deep breathe.
"I need to get better."
Time had been lost from the moment he stepped into this facility and now was no different. Bentley had no idea that he had been that shower or how long he had been repeatedly cleaning his body from head to toe. His whole mind was casted any where else, but here he was continuing the task as if he had first stepped inside.
"They won't love me if I'm not better," a flash of Diane's face quickly casted through his mind and that's when he finally snapped. All the stars that floated beneath his lids vanished and he was left with only the darkness.
"Unconditionally," he mumbled to himself, almost inaudibly, before shaking his head.
Bentley's eyes flew open and he searched his arm for his tattoo that he had gotten what felt like a life time ago, but then again, everything in his life felt like that as of late "I need to be clean," his body still trembled but his arm stopped in it's tracks before he lifted up the cloth to the work of art. "I need to start over, so I can get better," his voice was now beginning to get audibly louder. With way more force than was necessary he began to scrub at the piece and tears began to prickle at the corner of his eyes from the burning sensation come from below. "I need to get better!" his voice now booming off the walls.
"I'm dirty and need to be clean," was the last thing he had managed to choke out before he was suddenly being ripped away from his shower. At the sudden change, his body was thrown into shock, and Bentley unconciously began to scream at the top of his lungs. "We need to call his doctor." One of the two men held Bentley down as the threw a towel over his body, holding down his limbs that had just began to lash out. "Do it, now." A sudden warmth washed over his body, his eyes began to grow fuzzy, and for just a short moment he felt a calming sense of bliss.
He grabbed at the cloth that was provided to clean himself and began to clean his skin, trying to distract his mind but it was hardly working. It nearly felt like he couldn't breathe, he could feel the panic attack coming in waves, and the waves were only getting stronger by the second.
He suddenly felt the flush in his cheeks and a weight in his chest as if he felt like he was drowning and the only way to be free of it was to clean himself of all of his wrong doings.
"I need to be clean. I need to be clean. I'm dirty," he began to repeat this mantra to himself over and over again. As if saying it any more would make the statement true, but of course it didn't.
The cloth ran over is body continuously, from head to toe over and over and over again. It went on like this for minutes, his mental state dwindling in the fleeting time.
His body had began to shaky heavily, he wasn't even sure how he was standing at this point, a hundred percent sure that his knees had buckled and he was ready to drop. It was probably the third of fourth run over when he finally looked at his shoulder and at the tattoo that sat on his left bicep.
"I need to be clean of everything," his voice growing louder by the second.
Bentley brought the cloth up to the work of art and began to scrub it until the act had become so aggressive. After only a few seconds he could feel a burning sensation coming from the exact area as his skin started to shed away in layers. The pain only getting more intense the more pink and raw the skin had gotten.
"I'm dirty. I need to be clean. I need to be free of all of this."
His voice had become a full shout and just as blood had began to mix with the suds he was suddenly being dragged from the shower, as if he was little boy that had enjoyed bath time a little too much.
At that point he was screaming and kicking and his panic attack had developed into a full mental breakdown.
One of the male nurses ripped the cloth away from him and wrapped a strong arm around his waist of his fragile body. The other nurse reached for his legs and arms, trying to control them from flailing too much, before he threw a towel around his body to cover him up and help him with the task.
"We need to contain him and call the doctor. He's fallen into a level of psychosis."
heavy edit of this starting at the dialogue. maybe use aaron's words against him. maybe even have the idea of the matching bracelets have something to do with his slip. THIS IS NOW A FREAKING MESS. WELP. I think the talking is better, but the sense of urgency on Bentley's mental breakdown is GONE. Re-write. Re-post. Mash them together.
β m o n t h 0 0 t hοΌοΌοΌ7
something pushing bentley out of his psychosis. maybe bring the bracelet back up or switch this date with the nightmare and have the nightmare be the cause? i don't know. you've got lots of time.
β m o n t h 0 0 t hοΌοΌοΌ7
bentley's nightmare. about what? who knows. when in the time line? wish i knew.
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"You get to go home in two days, are you ready?" With the mere mention of going home, Bentley couldn't help the uncomfortable facial expression that was etched across his face.
There were just so many doubts in his mind over the whole thing. Inside these walls he was protected, nothing on the outside could hurt him. He had his me
So he lied, "Yes, ready." He tried to nod his head excitedly, trying to hide any doubts that may have come to Aaron during his initial response. It just seemed, that Aaron had seen right through it. In his time here at the rehabilitation center, Bentley had lost his touch at masking his emotions.
"Well I kind of wanted to discuss that with you." Almost instantaneously a knot formed in his stomach, nervous at the statement alone. He had heard it far to many times from Aaron these past few months and every single time it had lead to the complete opposite. There was no discussion when he was sent off here, there was no discussion when his stay was extended, and he doubt there would be one now either.
In the time that it had taken Aaron to start speaking Bentley averted his gaze down to his fingers, not really ready for the next part to come. "You're set to move back into the Orphanage, butβ" There it was, but. But, what? His heart began to race as he began to think about Diane, as it always did when he was forced to think about her. So much so that he refused to unless it was presented as some sort of question by his doctor during one of their sessions.
something, something about his worries in the paragraph, what ever.
"How would you feel about moving in with me instead?" Immediately Bentley's eyes reached up and met with his brothers, not being able to respond right away. Did he really mean it? All of the worries that had washed over him in the last month, would they really just disappear that easy?
"Are youβ sure? I don'tβ " there was so much hesitation in his voice. Even though the question had already been asked, and it really felt like Aaron had mean't it, it almost felt too good to be true. "Bentley, don't." Before Bentley was even able o finish his sentence, Aaron knowing exactly where he was going with it, he interrupted him. "I want to take care of you. I told you, I'm always going to be here for you." He watched as his older brother reached out and grabbed his hand, a gesture that use to make his skin burn at the touch but now felt like a blanket of comfort. "I've taken so much of your time with all of this already, Aaron. You need to get back to your lifeβ" Bentley looked down at there hands and took in a deep breathe, leaving it hard to contain the pain stricken look that gathered on his face. "And I need to get back to mine," the one that he hated so much. The life that he had spent countless nights wishing that he could escape from, asking how he could be dealt such a horrible hand. Just, at least now, he had healthy ways of coping with it all, instead of all the destructive forms he used in the past.
"You can easily do that living at my apartment." have bentley be anxious about it, who knows, maybe have him cry excitedly. i don't freaking know. this post makes me want to pull my hair out. its like after aaron's post was through my brain has turned into mush.
"Butβ there it was again, another but. He really wished Aaron would stop doing this too him, his heart could only take so much in it's fragile state. "There's going to be rules and lots of them," he watched all doe eyed, as Aaron exaggerated the word "lots." The old him, the rebellious part in him would have already started to scream, telling him that there was no way, but the new him, the one that had finally found some what of a balance, could only eagerly wait. "Number one, you take your medication every single day and with supervision." Aaron stuck up his first finger as he began and then a second as he continued. "Two, curfew." His older brother sighed, and he could tell that hew as internally struggling with this one and he had every right too. There would be nights in the past that he wouldn't arrive back home until dawn was creeping over the horizon. Sometimes even, on rare nights, Bentley would come home bruised and battered, no telling what trouble he had gotten himself into that evening. "Truthfully, I would like it if you never let the apartment at all, but I know that just isn't possible. I know you, and I know that I know you." The look that he had given Bentley was deadly, but Bentley completely understood. He stayed quiet and waited for him to continue. "So you're free to come and go, but when street lights come on I expect you already inside." So far, none of the demands have been that bad, all of them fair. "Alright, last one for now, I might think of more as things progress." Aaron's eyes slid down to Bentley's cheek bones, across his concave collar bones, over his thing shoulders, down his none existent torso, and then back up to his eyes. "Eating." The older of the two took in a deep breathe before he could continue. Bentley knew that Aaron was aware that eating was one of the struggles that he just couldn't get past while being here. Really, he had gotten better and he had tried, but he just never felt hungry anymore. "You need to start, and again, with supervision." Bentley couldn't help but avert his eyes, feeling suddenly feeling judged, but managed to nod his head. When it came down to it, as much as he didn't like the entire idea of being treated like a child, he deserved it. He acted so selfishly and immaturely and if he needed to be taken care of as such, and Aaron was so willing, really what could it hurt?
"Okay, I can do all of that." Aaron smiled warmly at him and he in turn he gave him one back, even though there was a little bit of doubt. Bentley wanted to be able to do all of this, he really did, he just hoped that he could.
aaron reminds him that he gets to go home in two days. knowing that he's anxious about it, he thought it over and offers him the chance to live with him.
go over guidelines and rules of what aaron expects when bentley moves in with him.
xx one being eating supervised
xx two being
β m a r c h 1 8 t hοΌοΌοΌ7
the day he goes home.
β m a r c h 2 8 t hοΌοΌοΌ7
"Bentley, you know I don't like you sitting in the window like that." A sigh escaped from his lips as he listened to Aaron gently scold him, but he was right. "I know, I'm sorry." Bentley never really asked what the issue of the matter was with it, but deep down he knew. He knew that it reminded Aaron too much of the last three months and the similarity of how Bentley had been stuck by one for far too long.
Instead of arguing, he got to his feet immediately and walked away and towards the kitchen so that he could eat the breakfast Aaron had made. This was another part of their agreement, all meals were to be eaten and with supervision.
As he took a seat, he waited patiently for Aaron to meet him, but the time never came. Over his shoulder he could hear Aaron's phone going off and the curiosity had gotten the better of him. Just as he had turned around and watched Aaron answer he noticed immediately how his facial expression had changed. Something was wrong, "Hold on, I have to take this. Help yourself, okay?" He planned on doing what he was told, but he couldn't help but watch as his old brother hurriedly left the room. It wasn't until he was fully out of view did as directed and grabbed a decent sized serving. Although, instead of eating right away, he gently pushed the food around on his plate. Bentley had been doing a good job at eating again, he had even gained a few pounds in the short two weeks that he had spent living at Aaron's house, but today had seemed different. He had a bad feeling settled into his stomach and he didn't really have much of an appetite right now.
