Things no DM wants to hear.

[Weapons13]

A character in our party is a mindbender/wizard, and they have a golem that thet influenced to be their "new best friend." This is a situation that happened in our last campaign...

DM: Your golem is inside a room with no exits... (there was a pretty long description of the room)
Wiz: I tell it to come back here.
DM: But there are no exits.
Wiz: So? It can break through the walls, can't it?
DM: ...

[Mordacai_Itabashi]

We found a betterDM

[Eishun]

Player: I attack the planet in an attempt to cleave the world in half

DM: sure if you can roll 4 20's in a row

Player: I just rolled 5 20's in a row



This actually happened, we all decided to end the campaign because the world was destroyed in a near impossible feat of chance. It actually wasn't too bad i guess.

[Akuada]

PC:"I wanna be a chaotic evil Paladin!"

[Kannon Blasphemy]

Akuada

PC:"I wanna be a chaotic evil Paladin!"

That is what's called an oxymoron.

[Yui_hime]

DM: Okay, [your character] can come back to life if Ch hits six enemies with electrical damage, crits, deals max damage, and KOs them all. In the meantime, make a new character.
C: Okay.

An hour and a half later, C loses his new character in a fight with half a dozen Cthulhu cultists. Ch's character casts Chain Lightning...
... crits...
... deals max damage...
... and takes them all out.

DM: *dsafjkl;fdsa;jlk* Okay. There's a huge explosion, and [C's old character] wanders out of it, brushing dust off his shoulders...

[Yui_hime]

*bumps*

[TheAnarkitty]

windleaf

dwerger13

ragemoonheart

-DM "Alright you have made it into the plains and you can only see grass and a gazeebo"

-Players " A gazeebo? How powerful is it and how can you destroy it!?"

-DM "What?"

-Players " Alright I'll flank it form behind then you warrors can come in and strike it"

-DM "Come on its a gazeebo! Not a freakin' monster"

- Players "But-"

-DM "-sigh-"

This is an old joke that was in a Dragon mag.

Its actually from KODT knights of the dinner table. Its a comic. They also came out with munchkin and hackmaster.

I think the Dragon Magazine article predates the gag being repeated in KotDT. I don't remember for sure though.

[iFirefly]

Probably already done before, buuuut....

Player: I lost my character sheet.

Every time I hear a player utter those words, it makes me want to stab them in the face with whatever writing utensil is closest... Which is why none of my players are allowed to keep their character sheets with them... All the sheets now stay in my Binder of Holding.

[Darth Moren]

Kannon Blasphemy

Akuada

PC:"I wanna be a chaotic evil Paladin!"

That is what's called an oxymoron.

Actually, it's called a Paladin of Slaughter. It's in Unearthed Arcana, I believe.

On another note...

"Hey, did you guys know that my minimum damage is somewhere around 22?"

[Lunar Falcon]

Vampire game: Party member was trying to sneak up on a bum behind a store to feed and the hobo saw him and grabbed the nearest thing from a dumpster to use as a weapon.
Me: "Man, wouldn't it suck if it were behind a place like Miss Kitty's? (local adult store.)"
DM to party member: "You're hit in the face with a large rubber sex toy." (Player then botched every other roll and got pwned by a hobo with a used sex toy.)

Another situation, same game where another party member got frustrated with his inability to roleplay in the scenario.
Player: "Roleplay DONE!" *grabs all his dice and throws them down on the table.
DM: "Uhhhh....."

[Yui_hime]

*to the bard* "I said SING, WOMAN!"

[Ax_kidson]

The bard begins to sing the story

Also he means i want to kill your lord

My two favourites

[Lawdy Might]

This happend yesterday:
DM:Theres a good 20 orcs chasing a woman.The woman has a b*****d sword.And she is holding her spear at the moment and jumps over your fire.
Everyone rolls
Me(Dwarf):Before they can see me I climb above the door.
Dm:Ok.
Halfling:Me and the fox lady are gonna hide next to the door.
Elf:Im gonna take out my spear and stand infront of the fire place so all they see is me.
Dm:Alright.They charge into the door so they're a inside.
Me:A 148lb dwarf falls on them and does flurry of blows.
Dm(After the battle):O_O...Your telling me you min damage was 13?
Me:Yeah.
Dm:They were level one orcs.If any of them survived they would say there was a wraith(Halfling and throwing daggers sense it was dark)A earth golem(Me)A vampire bat(The elf was a sorc and had a psuedo dragon.)And a werewolf(The fox lady).
So the orcs that decided to ambush a woman GOT ambushed by the party.I got many crits and the orcs didnt hit once.

[nerdyninja]

funny story dart