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This week's big news:

• New evolving item: Dander!
  
• The scandalous final evolution of Alruna's Rose!
  
• The insane completion of the ghastly Furugasa!
  
• Alruna and Furugasa are leaving the Cash Shop on September 2nd.
  
• Padmavati's Lotus, Picolitrosso's Urn and Gro-Gain are evolving!
  
• Dr. Singh continues her secret undercover effort to infiltrate the strange world of smooth jazz!

Read on, dear friends, for our full Evolving Item Report!

Dr. Singh: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to another exciting edition of the Evolving Item Report (...and Smooth Jazz Countdown). I'm Dr. Singh, and this is my co-host, Timmy. Also with us-- again-- is Timmy's faithful hanger-on, Labtech Gene. Well, Timmy, you're looking spiffy today! Is that a new haircut?

Timmy: Spiffy? Please, babe. I paid more for this haircut than you make in a year. T-Bone treats himself right.

Dr. Singh: How... impressive. Anyway, we've got some big, big news: Alruna's Rose, one of Gaia's most incredible premium items, is finishing its evolution this week! It's always been quite a daring little number, but the extraordinary, seductive final poses must be seen to be believed. Yowza!

Timmy: Pass one down here, Doc. Gotta get a look at this.

Dr. Singh: Timmy, you may be some kind of a rich "businessman" now, but you're still a child, and I don't think you should be around this sort of item.


Labtech Gene: Nobody talks to T-Bone like that! He runs this town!


Dr. Singh: Nevertheless, he'll just have to wait a few years. Those of you who are slightly more mature can still pick up later generations of Alruna's Rose in the Gaia Cash Shop for a limited time, but they'll be leaving the shop on September 2nd!

And it gets even crazier, too: Furugasa, the ghostly umbrella that nearly scared Timmy to death during his brush with insanity, is also reaching its final stage this week! It contains a huge number of bizarre and frightening poses... lucky owners of first-generation Furugasas will just have to see for themselves. If you want in on the creepiness, you'd better act quick: the Furugasa is also leaving the Cash Shop on September 2nd.

Timmy: You're mistaken, babe. Nothing scares T-Bone.

Dr. Singh: More big news this week: as Flynn announced on Tuesday, we've got a brand-new, first-generation evolving item available now in the Cash Shop! Dander may look like a little ball of dust, but my projections indicate that it'll keep picking up stray lint until it grows into something quite special.

And as if that weren't enough excitement for one week, we've also got four more items evolving! Padmavati's Lotus is taking a rather alarming reptilian form, and Picolitrosso's Urn, one of our more mysterious evolving items, is continuing its strange journey.

Timmy: Is that it, sugarhorse? Smooth jazz awaits.

Dr. Singh: Actually, not quite... one of the strangest evolving items out there is undergoing its first evolution this week, and I have to say I'm a bit baffled as to what it might become. Gro-Gain seems to be a hair-growth chemical that never hit the mass market, but all my attempts to find information on it have turned up dead ends. There seems to be a G-Corp logo etched into the bottle under the label, but I can't find any history of--


Labtech Gene: Well, better give up, babe. If there's nothing to find, there's nothing to find. Might as well stop looking, right, T-Bone?

Timmy: Yeah, LG is right, Doc. Might as well not snoop into things that don't concern you, dig?

Dr. Singh: If you say so... anyway, you can get all these incredible items now, including Alruna's Rose and the brand-new Dander, in the Gaia Cash Shop!

Timmy: Bravo, doll. Forget all that stuff people say about how it's "boring" and "worthless," I personally think your science junk is one of the minor highlights of this program. Sure, it's not quite as exciting and dynamic as the Smooth Jazz Countdown, but it does have a certain je ne sais quoi...

Dr. Singh: Well... thanks, Timmy.

Timmy: In fact, you do such sharp work around here that I want to give you a shot at the major leagues. Think you're ready to step up to the plate, babe?

Dr. Singh: How do you mean?

Timmy: Since you've been adapting so well to the Smooth Jazz game-- love the beard, by the way-- I thought you might like to lead the countdown this week.

Labtech Gene: But... but, boss!

Timmy: Mellow out, LG. You'll get your shot someday. Today, I thought we'd celebrate the oft-forgotten abilities of the world of ladies. What do you say, Doc? Think you've got it in you?

Dr. Singh: I'd be honored... do you happen to have the list?


Labtech Gene: See, T-Bone? She doesn't even know the top five!

Timmy: Got it right here, doll. Work the magic. I'll handle the appreciative comments.

Dr. Singh: OK, at number five this week, we've got the drowsy piano magic of Ken Bland's "Plains of Euphoria," featuring a sizzling slap-bass interlude by Omar Sexton!

Timmy: Awwwww yeah!

Dr. Singh: Rocketing up the charts to number four: beloved new-age songstress Enga dabbles in the tepid smooth jazz bathtub with her crossover hit, "Dreamchant Elfcrap."

Timmy: I can-- and shall-- dig it.

Dr. Singh: Falling to number three this week, Royce Breeze's "Hillbilly Handshake." Could this piano hoedown be a mere flash in the pan for the legendary artiste?

Timmy: Never, baby. Royce Breeze is a certified genius.

Dr. Singh: Raoul Champagne moves up from the number three spot to claim this week's silver medal with the seductive oboe interplay of "Felt a Thing Happen (Ooh Yeah Baby Ouch)."

Timmy: Glad to see this one return. I am a man who digs an oboe. How about you, LG?

Labtech Gene: Yeaaaaaah. The oboe gets me in the mood to recline and be fed grapes by a fine lady in a toga.


Dr. Singh: *Shudder*... An amazing coup for number one this week: smooth jazz superstar Cassius LaFontaine is back with yet another single! How does he keep coming up with this stuff? This week, he gets the airwaves boiling with "Sensual Experimentation in Love Jail."

Timmy: Diiiiiiiiig. Excellent job, babe. That beard is really coming in nicely. I think you're almost ready to experience... the Smooth Jazz Lifestyle.

Dr. Singh: Wow, Timmy, I can't wait. What exactly is the "Smooth Jazz Lifestyle," anyway?

Timmy: All in good time, angelface. You did good this week, so you'll find out soon enough. For now, you'd better run along-- Gene and I have some stuff to talk about. Business stuff. Ladies wouldn't be interested.

Dr. Singh: Whatever you say, Timmy. Looks like that's all the time we have this week, folks! I've got to get going now, but you can always leave us your feedback on this batch of evolutions in our weekly poll thread. Ciao!

Timmy: LG, we need to talk.

Labtech Gene: What is it, T-Bone? Are you mad at me or something? Please, boss, I can't take it! You know I'd do anything for you!

Timmy: I'm just gonna come out and say it, man: you gotta ease up. You're using too much.

Labtech Gene: It's cool, T-Bone, I got it under control. Plus, the Tenets of the Smooth Jazz Lifestyle say--

Timmy: Don't you tell me about the Tenets of the Smooth Jazz Lifestyle! Just look at yourself, Large, you're twitching and sprouting like a fiend. Just be cool. Lay off the 'Gain for a few days, huh?

Labtech Gene: You got it, boss. I can stop whenever I want. I'll start slowing it down tomorrow. Just gotta get one more hit first, just to keep me going.

Timmy: Get yourself together, LG. We've got important work to do.