Peppermint; LAST UPDATED 1/14/12

[AnnoyingCaroler]

nice story fix the grammar and you may get published!!!
heart heart heart heart heart heart heart heart heart heart

[Live Laugh Love Liana]

That was better than a lot of fiction I read. You're better than Stephenie Meyer wink The again, isn't everyone?
I would like to see the story continue, and if you're not going to publish this one, then maybe you could sit down and write a story that you will publish. I would read it ^_^

[DESU KITTEN]

RememberMe7729

She gulped. “Gracey, It’ll tell you in a second, right now-”

“Gracey, I’ll tell you in a second, but right now-”

RememberMe7729

“Save it mom,” I cut her off. “Ethan Walker was every good thing about me. He was the reason I got up in the morning, the reason I got through not getting a part in the sophomore show, the person that helped me pack for summer internship in Paris and the person who was waiting for me at the airport when I got back. I wouldn’t have made it through Dad and your divorce if it weren’t for Ethan. He was there for me through everything. Every birthday party, family gathering, test failure, pet death, major exam, everything, he was right there guiding me through it. I can’t imagine a life without him. I haven’t been without him for more than three weeks since freshman year, Mom. I can’t live with out him!” I burst into tears once more. Rivulets flowed from my eyes, down my face and neck, down my shirt, on top of the hospital bedding, anywhere near me was soaked in the salty wet droplets. They glided down my cheeks even into my mouth. I coughed, chocked on them. I wanted to die right there. I should have died, not him. The world would have been a brighter place if it had him in it. But now it didn’t, and every thing seemed so dark and dull, like the rooms were filled with light bulbs that were just about to burn out.

Consider revising this. You have a lot of run-on sentences going on here.

RememberMe7729

“Pumpkin, calm down. Try and breathe,” I sharply took in a breathe in hiccupped. It burned my lunges to breathe. Someone must have chopped off them out too.

You're using the wrong tense of "breath" and "breathe."
I sharply took in a breath and hiccupped

RememberMe7729

“Come on, just take a deep breathe in,”

Again, you need to consider the tenses you're using.
"just take a deep breath in,"

Analysis:
I feel you can really go somewhere with this. If you continue writing, checking your grammar and spelling, you'll do fine.

[Supermegafoxyawesomehot33]

DESU KITTEN

RememberMe7729

She gulped. “Gracey, It’ll tell you in a second, right now-”

“Gracey, I’ll tell you in a second, but right now-”

RememberMe7729

“Save it mom,” I cut her off. “Ethan Walker was every good thing about me. He was the reason I got up in the morning, the reason I got through not getting a part in the sophomore show, the person that helped me pack for summer internship in Paris and the person who was waiting for me at the airport when I got back. I wouldn’t have made it through Dad and your divorce if it weren’t for Ethan. He was there for me through everything. Every birthday party, family gathering, test failure, pet death, major exam, everything, he was right there guiding me through it. I can’t imagine a life without him. I haven’t been without him for more than three weeks since freshman year, Mom. I can’t live with out him!” I burst into tears once more. Rivulets flowed from my eyes, down my face and neck, down my shirt, on top of the hospital bedding, anywhere near me was soaked in the salty wet droplets. They glided down my cheeks even into my mouth. I coughed, chocked on them. I wanted to die right there. I should have died, not him. The world would have been a brighter place if it had him in it. But now it didn’t, and every thing seemed so dark and dull, like the rooms were filled with light bulbs that were just about to burn out.

Consider revising this. You have a lot of run-on sentences going on here.

RememberMe7729

“Pumpkin, calm down. Try and breathe,” I sharply took in a breathe in hiccupped. It burned my lunges to breathe. Someone must have chopped off them out too.

You're using the wrong tense of "breath" and "breathe."
I sharply took in a breath and hiccupped

RememberMe7729

“Come on, just take a deep breathe in,”

Again, you need to consider the tenses you're using.
"just take a deep breath in,"

Analysis:
I feel you can really go somewhere with this. If you continue writing, checking your grammar and spelling, you'll do fine.

Yeah, I stink at grammar :/
But thanks.

[Supermegafoxyawesomehot33]

Live Laugh Love Liana

That was better than a lot of fiction I read. You're better than Stephenie Meyer wink The again, isn't everyone?
I would like to see the story continue, and if you're not going to publish this one, then maybe you could sit down and write a story that you will publish. I would read it ^_^

Hahahahaha. But.. I actually Like Stephenie Meyer... (:
And thank you(: But, I mean, the reason I believe this has no chance of being published is I've only just turned 14. What 14 year old has gotten published?

[Live Laugh Love Liana]

RememberMe7729

Live Laugh Love Liana

That was better than a lot of fiction I read. You're better than Stephenie Meyer wink The again, isn't everyone?
I would like to see the story continue, and if you're not going to publish this one, then maybe you could sit down and write a story that you will publish. I would read it ^_^

Hahahahaha. But.. I actually Like Stephenie Meyer... (:
And thank you(: But, I mean, the reason I believe this has no chance of being published is I've only just turned 14. What 14 year old has gotten published?

I read in a magazine about a girl who got her book published at 12 years old.
And sorry about the Stephanie Meyer thing. Twilight fan? I find her work tasteless, boring, and mind-numbing. (Notice how they all mean the same thing.) Seriously, haven't you noticed how half of the book is 'He's so beautiful, I could never leave him, even if I'm in danger.' and 'I have to go *sigh*' Just my thoughts. Plus, I mean I know it's called poetic license, but sparkly vampires? Is she trying to get made fun of?

[Supermegafoxyawesomehot33]

Live Laugh Love Liana

RememberMe7729

Live Laugh Love Liana

That was better than a lot of fiction I read. You're better than Stephenie Meyer wink The again, isn't everyone?
I would like to see the story continue, and if you're not going to publish this one, then maybe you could sit down and write a story that you will publish. I would read it ^_^

Hahahahaha. But.. I actually Like Stephenie Meyer... (:
And thank you(: But, I mean, the reason I believe this has no chance of being published is I've only just turned 14. What 14 year old has gotten published?

I read in a magazine about a girl who got her book published at 12 years old.
And sorry about the Stephanie Meyer thing. Twilight fan? I find her work tasteless, boring, and mind-numbing. (Notice how they all mean the same thing.) Seriously, haven't you noticed how half of the book is 'He's so beautiful, I could never leave him, even if I'm in danger.' and 'I have to go *sigh*' Just my thoughts. Plus, I mean I know it's called poetic license, but sparkly vampires? Is she trying to get made fun of?

That 12 year old is seriously awesome then.

And yeah, I am. Edward<3
But I have noticed the book is like that. It's like, I understand he's fricken hot, can we move on now please? Oh and sparkly vampires is hilarious. That was about her worst idea ever. And the only other problem I have with Twilight is that Jacob can go die in a hole. Otherwise, I like the Twilight Saga(:

[Supermegafoxyawesomehot33]

UPDATE:: Check out this page to read the beginning I've written so far. Make sure to tell me if it stinks!

http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/original-stories-prose/bad-begginning-help-please/t.65443011/

[Aularen has quit]

I really like this. And yes, you should continue it. biggrin

[bangaranggirl]

I really like this one whee I like the beginning the most.

-Chloë

[Shadyness]

First, it's choked* not chocked. I noticed that in two places.

Secondly, I think her reaction to his death is completely unbelievable. She is far too articulate. I don't know if you've ever actually had something that Earth-shattering happen to you, but it's nearly impossible to speak, let alone in completely rational sentences. There would be much more confusion about how she got to be in the hospital, about the pain she was experiencing, etc. I doubt she would even find out about his death until she had recovered some. Also, her mom listing off her injuries in the beginning was unrealistic also. That's probably something she would get from a doctor later after asking.

Furthermore, the way the boy died probably isn't terribly realistic. When windshields shatter they typically still stay in one piece; they're designed to do that. There are a million other ways he could have died in a car accident or you can leave it unspecified trauma.

It's not a bad story, but it does need a bit of work. I'm not trying to be overly harsh, I just didn't see anyone else giving you real critiques and thought it could be helpful. Keep reading and writing and you'll improve dramatically. smile

[Supermegafoxyawesomehot33]

Shadyness

First, it's choked* not chocked. I noticed that in two places.

Secondly, I think her reaction to his death is completely unbelievable. She is far too articulate. I don't know if you've ever actually had something that Earth-shattering happen to you, but it's nearly impossible to speak, let alone in completely rational sentences. There would be much more confusion about how she got to be in the hospital, about the pain she was experiencing, etc. I doubt she would even find out about his death until she had recovered some. Also, her mom listing off her injuries in the beginning was unrealistic also. That's probably something she would get from a doctor later after asking.

Furthermore, the way the boy died probably isn't terribly realistic. When windshields shatter they typically still stay in one piece; they're designed to do that. There are a million other ways he could have died in a car accident or you can leave it unspecified trauma.

It's not a bad story, but it does need a bit of work. I'm not trying to be overly harsh, I just didn't see anyone else giving you real critiques and thought it could be helpful. Keep reading and writing and you'll improve dramatically. smile

Okay thanks. That helps.
1) Yeahhh, I suck at grammar. Always have.
2) Nothing really like that had has happened to me. The only thing might have been when my grandma died like 4 years ago. My reaction was like a step down from this. I was like crying and whining and yeah... But again, fifth grade soo..
3) Yeah, I hate the mom listing the injuries off too. It sounds like s**t. But, I sorta want the mom too to take up time before she tells her daughter that the boy she loved was dead. So i don't know what i'm doing with that.
4)I didn't know that about windshields. Oh well, I was planning on taking that out anyway.

But that you. That wasn't harsh, and I was very helpful. Obviously I need to do a bit more research next time..

[Supermegafoxyawesomehot33]

@Aularen & bangaranggirl- Thankyouuu

[WaterSoulMaiden]

I'd say you should totally continue it. It's really good. It has all the good makings of an excellent long story. (works as a shorter but I would personally wanna know more)

[Supermegafoxyawesomehot33]

Zynquinthia

I'd say you should totally continue it. It's really good. It has all the good makings of an excellent long story. (works as a shorter but I would personally wanna know more)

Thankyou!