Where has my pillow gone? Please help!

What do you think?

I like it	14.3%	[ 1 ]
It's okay	85.7%	[ 6 ]
It needs a lot of work	0.0%	[ 0 ]
Total Votes:			[ 7 ]

[Jackie Tekila]

Alright, so I think most everyone here knows the drill. I'm looking for comments and critiques, any helpful input on improving the piece. Let me know your thoughts. This is a first draft so rip it apart. Thanks in advance to all those who
take the time to read and respond. Your help is greatly appreciated. 3nodding

*warning: mild reference to nudity and sex

Where has my Pillow Gone?

The gentle hum of the large white ceiling fan reverberated throughout the elegant loft bedroom. A king size, four post bed occupied a majority of the room. Its decoratively carved posts were slowly beginning to be bathed in a warm glow as the first rays of sunlight leaked in through the open windows.

A small figure lay buried amongst the plush white bedding of the four-post bed. Auburn curls flowed across her bare shoulders, her delicate curves noticeable amongst the soft white sheets and fluffy pillows around her. The steadily increasing light slowly began to wake her.

She rolled from her stomach to her side, revealing her ample bare breasts, the rest of her body tangled amongst the sheets and blankets. As she slowly gained consciousness she gradually became aware of her nakedness. In small bits and pieces she recalled the evening before and a twinge of anxiety grew in her stomach.

Where was he? The handsome man from the night before. Where had her pillow gone? The soft mass of muscle who had served as her headrest last night. The man who had so passionately loved her in those midnight hours. She had fallen asleep in his arms but awoken on her own.

A feeling of dread twisted at her stomach. This was not the first time she had awoken alone after a night of passion. It was not the first time she had lost her man to the early hours of dawn, never to be seen again. No, she had tasted this pain before, this feeling of utter rejection in her half-conscious, caffeine deprived brain of the next morning.

She squirmed uneasily, the soft sheets caressing her bare skin. Under different circumstances she would have been aglow, every muscle of her body tingling and alight in a joyful feeling of satisfaction. But the weight of the empty space beside her drained all good feelings and left her only with an exhausted and sore body for company.

She had a nasty habit for misjudging the intentions of men. Sometimes she even knew it would end like this, end in this sickening panic of abandonment, and yet she accepted it. She took her moment of bliss without a thought of the consequences. Her strong need for the opposite sex often left her in uncomfortable and lonely shoes.

She tossed and turned anxiously amongst the soft blanket, drawing the sheet up to cover her exposed chest. She drug a hand through her hair, a mess of humid curls, a memento of the night before. A frustrated sigh escaped her lips. The only person she had to blame was herself.

She needed to learn to control herself. Her urges far too often led her down this road. Was this sickness in her gut worth it? Was one night of ecstasy worth the pain? She wasn't sure she was strong enough to keep doing this to herself.

“Buenas dias, mi corozon,” came a sudden and unexpected greeting, startling her from her thoughts.

A handsome, dark skinned man entered the loft, a tray of fruit and breakfast quesadillas in hand. She propped herself up on her elbows amongst her mountain of soft pillows as he took a seat on the edge of the bed. A mixed emotion of shock and relief washed over her. He had come back. The cupboards and fridge of her condo were empty. He had actually gone to the store, bought food, and returned to cook her breakfast. He had even mixed her a Bloody Mary for the hangover that was beginning to leak into her brain. She was speechless.

This man was nothing short of perfection. Had she finally hit the jackpot? She had often gambled with love and lost. Was her luck finally turning up? She didn't know. What she did know was she definitely wasn't letting this one get away! It was time to take her men seriously. Starting right away with this one.

Edit: Feel free to comment and critique my other pieces as well. Chocolate Covered Strawberries, Love Letters, Time to Go, A Child's Realization and No Time for Fear

[Finoewae]

First, I'll make my 'edits.' Anything in brackets are comments, and text I've changed to red is something I've added or replaced. After, I'll include a TL;DR where I give an overall assessment.

Where has my Pillow Gone?

[You need a captivating first sentence. This is a short story, and while it's alright to describe your surroundings in the first paragraph, you need to get the reader at least excited about this setting. Why is a bedroom exciting right now? No matter how majestic the bedroom is, the story is about something completely different, so make sure you hint at that in your very first sentence.
For example, "Prisons are not always dark chambers with iron bars." This sentence has irony to it, as you continue to describe a room, a setting where at first, you would never think of as a prison. After you learn the girl's plight, it slowly makes sense.]

The gentle hum of the large white ceiling fan reverberated throughout the elegant loft bedroom. A king size, four post bed occupied the majority of the room. Its decoratively carved wooden posts were slowly beginning to be bathed in a warm glow as the first rays of morning sunlight leaked in through the open windows.

A small figure lay buried amongst the plush white bedding of the four-post bed. Auburn curls flowed across her bare shoulders, her delicate curves gracing the soft white sheets and fluffy pillows around her. The steadily increasing light was slowly beginning began to wake her.

She rolled from her stomach to her side, revealing her ample bare breasts, the rest of her naked body tangled amongst the bedding. As she slowly gained consciousness she gradually became aware of her nakedness. In small bits and pieces she recalled the evening before and a twinge of anxiety grew in her stomach.

Where was he? The handsome man from the night before. Where had her pillow gone? The soft mass of muscle who had served as her headrest last night. The handsome man who had so passionately loved her in those midnight hours. Where was he? She had fallen asleep in his arms but awoken on her own.

A feeling of dread took over. This was not the first time she had awoken alone after a night of passion. It was not the first time she had lost her man to the early hours of dawn, never to be seen again. No, she had tasted this pain before, this feeling of utter rejection in her half-conscious, caffeine deprived brain of the next morning.

She squirmed uneasily, the soft sheets caressing her bare skin. Under different circumstances she would have been aglow, every muscle of her body tingling and alight in a joyful feeling of satisfaction. But the weight of the empty space beside her drained all good feelings and left her only with an exhausted and sore body for company.

She had a nasty habit for misjudging the intentions of men. Sometimes she even knew it would end like this, end in this sickening panic of abandonment, and yet she accepted it. She took her moment of bliss without a thought of the consequences. Her strong need for the opposite sex often leaving her in uncomfortable and lonely shoes.

She tossed and turned anxiously amongst the soft blanket, drawing the sheet up to cover her exposed chest. She drug a hand through her hair, a mess of humid curls, a memento of the cardio-workout of the night before. A frustrated sigh escaped her lips. The only person she had to blame was herself.

She needed to learn to control it. Her urges far too often led her down this road. Was this sickness in her gut worth it? Was one night of ecstasy worth the pain? She wasn't sure she was strong enough to keep doing this to herself.

“Buenas dias, mi corozon,” came a sudden and unexpected greeting, startling her from her thoughts.

A handsome, dark skinned man entered the loft, a tray of fruit and breakfast quesadillas in hand. She propped herself up on her elbows amongst her mountain of soft pillows as he took a seat on the edge of the bed. A mixed emotion of shock and relief washed over her. He had come back. The cupboards and fridge of her condo were empty. He had actually gone to the store, bought food, and returned to cook her breakfast. He had even mixed a Bloody Mary for the small hangover that was beginning to leak into her brain. She was speechless.

This man was nothing short of perfection. Had she finally hit the jackpot? [This is a really cliche sentence, I'd say something else here...] She had often gambled with love and lost. Was her luck finally turning up? She didn't know. What she did know was she definitely wasn't letting this one get away! It was time to take her men seriously. Starting right away with this one.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

TL;DR:

You seem to often add adjectives awkwardly to a sentence, where it doesn't flow, as if you're trying to hard to be descriptive. Remember that adjectives are there to help describe the nouns, your scenery for example. Perhaps it's a bit too much to go on and on about the softness of the pillows. Also, make sure the adjectives fit the 'mood' you're trying to create. Once the girl has started to panic, perhaps the pillows are no longer soft and plush. Your surroundings can change greatly with a change of perception, i.e., panic.

Also, the ending of your story is a bit awkward. Maye it's just personal views that are clouding my judgment, but I would hardly think of a one night stand as a perfect man. He problem was that she needed men, and it seems like she needed their bodies at most. It's nice that this man made her breakfast, but why is she so excited about this? She slept with him because she was drunk. Just something to consider, this doesn't have to be a story with pristine morals, but be aware of the message you're giving the reader in this story:

Lots of one night stands= heartache and being used, but if you're lucky, you find your soul mate!

I hope I was thorough enough....if you have any more questions please feel free to ask.

[RivaSquall]

My thoughts are in brackets and purple; parts of the actual story that I think need editing are in red, and will have a strikeout if they're particularly unneeded.

Where has my Pillow Gone?

The gentle hum of the large white[Unnecessary description] ceiling fan reverberated throughout the elegant loft bedroom. A king size, four post[Too much description of the bed. The fact that it occupied a majority of the room will let the reader know it's really big, so the description is a bit overkill] bed occupied a majority of the room. Its decoratively carved posts were slowly beginning to be bathed[This phrase is very passive, and passive voice just weakens the overall feel of the piece. Try to shy away from passive and be more active and aggressive with your verb usage. I.E. 'Warm rays of sunlight slowly filtered into the room and bathed the decoratively carved posts in their warmth' as opposed to 'The decoratively carved posts were slowly being bathed in the warm rays of sunlight.' Have something do an action as opposed to being the receiver of an action if your describing something or trying to portray imagery] in a warm glow as the first rays of sunlight leaked in through the open windows.

A small figure lay buried amongst the plush white bedding of the four-post bed[You don't have to take this out, but this phrase isn't necessarily needed. You've already established that a bed is part of the scene, so the reader can infer that the plush white bedding is on the bed. Just a bit repetitive] Auburn curls flowed across her bare shoulders, her delicate curves noticeable amongst the soft white sheets and fluffy pillows around her. The steadily increasing light slowly began to wake her.

She rolled from her stomach to her side, revealing her[Unnecessary assertion of possession. We know the breasts belong to the girl] ample bare breasts, the rest of her body tangled amongst the sheets and blankets[Not needed.]. As she slowly gained consciousness she gradually became aware of her nakedness. In small bits and pieces she recalled the evening before and a twinge of anxiety grew in her stomach.[These two sentences are a bit awkward sounding. Try to find some way to shorten and combine the two into one complex sentence, maybe using a semicolon, colon, etc. Make it stronger, more active use of verbs will help.]

Where was he? The handsome man from the night before [Change to: "Where was he, the handsome man from the night before?". Where had her pillow gone? The soft mass of muscle who had served as her headrest last night. The man who had so passionately loved her in those midnight hours.[Combine these three sentences in the same manner as "Where was he...". Just use some commas or even a semicolon if you really have to.][/b She had fallen asleep in his arms but awoken on her own woke alone.

A feeling of dread twisted at her stomach. This was not the first time she had awoken alone after a night of passion. [This sentence could be stronger. It might be nice if you replace it with a shorter sentence that is more general, and less off a summary of the previous paragraph. Use something like 'The feeling wasn't new' to convey a feeling of deja vu and let the reader know that the girl has gone through this before. Let it lead up to the next sentence.] It was not the first time she had lost her man to the early hours of dawn, never to be seen again. No, she had tasted this pain before, this feeling of utter rejection in her half-conscious [Use a more interesting adjective, like "foggy" or "muddled"], caffeine deprived brain of the next morning.

She squirmed uneasily, the soft sheets caressing her bare skin. Under different circumstances she would have been aglow, every muscle of her body tingling and alight in a joyful feeling of satisfaction. But the weight of the empty space beside her drained all good feelings and left her only with an exhausted and sore [Pick either exhausted and sore to use. I know they have different meanings, but the use of both still comes off as unnecessary.]body for company.

She had a nasty habit for misjudging the intentions of men. Sometimes she even knew it would end like this, end in this sickening panic of abandonment, and yet she accepted it. She took her moment of bliss without a thought of the consequences. Her strong need for the opposite sex often left her in uncomfortable and lonely shoes.

She tossed and turned anxiously [I feel like I've seen this word too much. Try to mix up your vocabulary a bit. Be cognizant of words that you like to use and limit them.]amongst the soft blanket, drawing the sheet up to cover her exposed chest. She drug a hand through her hair, a mess of humid curls, a memento of the night before. A frustrated sigh escaped her lips. The only person she had to blame was herself.

She needed to learn to control herself. Her urges far too often led her down this road. Was this sickness in her gut worth it? Was one night of ecstasy worth the pain? She wasn't sure she was strong enough to keep doing this to herself.

“Buenas dias, mi corozon,” came a sudden and unexpected greeting, startling her from her thoughts.

A handsome, dark skinned man entered the loft, a tray of fruit and breakfast quesadillas in hand. She propped herself up on her elbows amongst her mountain of soft pillows as he took a seat on the edge of the bed. A mixed emotion of shock and relief washed over her. He had come back. [It would make a nice effect to make this phrase it's own paragraph, and then continue with "The cupboards..." as a new paragraph after it. One sentence paragraphs (even one word paragraphs!) can be good at conveying a strong thought or feeling.] The cupboards and fridge of her condo were empty. He had actually gone to the store, bought food, and returned to cook her breakfast. He had even mixed her a Bloody Mary for the hangover that was beginning to leak into her brain. She was speechless.

This man was nothing short of perfection. Had she finally hit the jackpot? She had often gambled with love, and lost. Was her luck finally turning up? She didn't know. What she did know was she definitely wasn't letting this one get away! It was time to take her men seriously. Starting right away with this one.

*********
Overall, it was pretty good. But, it was weakened in places by your use of passive voice in regards to both verb usage and descriptions. You have a tendency to repeat things and echo earlier thoughts and sentences, and that too weakens the piece and makes it feel more juvenile. I would also suggest cleaning up you're diction and trying to get rid of extra "filler" adjectives and words in generally. Less is generally better.

And there was a radical tone shift. First, the girl was really despondent and sad, but as soon as she realized her pillow came back, she was a bit too chipper and hopeful. You need to find a happy medium between these two opposite feelings. I agree with Finoewae, the story doesn't need to have a traditionally happy ending.

Hope I can be off help, and feel free to ask me if anything I said was unclear :3