Story is unnamed. Comment/Critique?

[Megs784]

Story:

I reached the end of the street I was currently walking on, and turned the corner. My eyes immediately drew to the over-large house in the center of the street. It was 3 1/2 stories tall. The house was lopsided, and the top story wasn't really the same height as the others. The once black paint had faded into a dull gray. The front seemed to be all windows, except for the freshly painted black door. The windows all had the curtains closed, so no one could see inside.
If you got near enough to this house, you could hear strange noises from inside it - like pounding, moaning, and stuff being sawed in half. The house wasn't owned by anyone though. So, there were many theories going around. Some people thought that some murderer was living inside the house. There was a more believable theory that the place was haunted. Then, there were the idiots that believe that sparkling vampires lived inside of it, only coming out at night to go and feast on animals blood. Ridiculous.
There were three kids standing in front of the house, staring at it. This sight scared me - a lot. The only time anyone stood in front of that house, was if they saw someone go inside. Anyone who's gone in, hasn't come back out. As I edged closer to them, The sight scared me even more. I knew these kids very well, they were my best friends - Jake, Katie, and Cylie. What scared me even more, is the fact that Ryan - my other friend - was ALWAYS with them. He wasn't now. That could only mean one thing: He went into the house.
As I came closer, I saw that Katie and Cylie had books in their hands, flipping through them at a fast rate. I bent down to read the title of the book: Twilight. Ugh, naturally. These two were with the ones who believe vampires live in the house. My hand came to my forehead with a sudden smack that made the three of the jump.
'Oh,' Jake sighed. 'It's just you Taylor.' After he said this, the other two went back to looking through their books.
'What in the name of God are you two doing?' I asked.
Cylie was the first to answer, 'We're seeing if it's ever mentioned in the book what to do in this situation.'
'Ryan went into the house, if you didn't already know,' Katie muttered, flipping through her book even faster.
I turned to Jake. 'Do you have an idea?'
Jake shook his head, and turned to stare at the house again, as if that would magically make Ryan come back out.
'We can't just stand here doing nothing!' I shouted. Katie started to open her mouth, but I quickly said before her, 'Those books have nothing that will help you. There are no such things as vampires!'
'Says you,' Cylie said under her breath.
I ignored her, looking at the house. My best friend was in that house, I had to do something. And, before I could realize what I was doing, I was walking up the pathway to the door. My mind registered the shouts from my friends behind me, but I ignored them. I stepped up onto the porch, and laid my hand on the handle and turned it.
I stepped into the house, and looked around, not really liking what I saw...

[Gaya Pirate]

Very nice. o_o

[acheron beach]

It's a bit difficult to read when it's centre-justified and pink. My only suggestion is to read through it and cut out anything unnecessary - i.e. the paragraph about her hair flipping around. Try to be more direct, as well. The house was 3 and 1/2 stories. No need to talk about 3 or 4. Over-large - as large as Buckingham palace? A mansion? A house too big for the lot it sat on?

I appreciated the care you took in proofreading. I'm interested in reading more.

[Megs784]

Less than three.

@Gaya Pirate: Thank you!
@acheron beach: Okay, I'll remind myself not to use my usual posting style when I post chapters. Yeah, that is a bit unnecessary, I was really only trying to give some description of what she looked like. Over-large as in, it just on the limits of the edge of the lots.
I helps that I have Firefox, so major spelling errors are caught.

I'm going to make those edits to the story...

Less than three.

[IXXiceXXI]

Nice, ur good, mayb better than me. Check out my work plz n thx

Here the link;

http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/original-stories-prose/pariah-kinght/t.66142637/

[Lirael]

I like where this seems to be going. It has the funny (kids flipping through a vampire novel as if it would offer solutions) and also the scary (what is inside the house? You also have a good grasp of verb usage - best verb for best effect.

What I'd like to see from this piece is a little more fluidity and progression in the writing. Read the story out loud to yourself, and as you read, imagine each word as a step. Sometimes, when sentences end on a funny note, you stumble. This is what I encountered with the first sentence:

"I reached the end of the street I was currently walking on, and turned the corner."

It's mainly in the first clause: currently walking on. Well, of course you are walking on a street. I would guess that unless you told me you were flying or gliding. Try to rework the sentence to flow a little better. Maybe add in where you were coming from?

This brings me to the other point: the beginning. It's where you start. It's where you draw readers in and make them want to continue reading. The description of the house is a great start, but your first sentence should also be a big grabber. Think of every good ghost story:

"Everyone avoided the Blackburne House."

Yeah. I don't know. I couldn't think of any actual ghost stories. My point is, the reader immediate questions "Well, why? Is there a rational reason for it?". And then you've got them. whee

And, finally, in addition to the rhythm thing - it works for you too. When you talk about your friends that are usually all together, you really emphasize that they're always together.

And Ryan isn't there.

That's a BIG thing, even without saying he'd gone into the house. By leaving out the definite narration that he'd gone in (which you cover later in dialogue), the reader has a lovely little moment of "Oh, no..."

That's all I can think of for now. Have fun! 3nodding

[Megs784]

Less than three.

@Lirael: Yeah, I couldn't think of a way to add that she was coming from school into the begging. My mind is currently working on different ways I can write that.
Thanks for all the complements!

I've figured out what's coming next, it's just where to stop for the end of a chapter that's bothering me.

Less than three.

[Megs784]

Chapter 2:

As I looked around the room, I saw the walls were covered in slime, doors were hanging by hinges, and small holes covered the walls. I looked behind me and saw my friends staring, a look of disbelief on their faces. I gave them a small wave and shut the door. I glanced at my watch. It said it was 3:30. I needed to keep track of how long I was in here.
I walked up to the nearest door that wasn't hanging by its hinges, and opened it. I was looking into a dimly lit hallway, five or six doors on each side of it, and one on the end. Unlike in the front room, these doors were still intact.
I stepped into the hallway and shut the door. I took a piece of paper out of my backpack. I dug around for something to pin it to the door - to make sure I didn't get lost. I had to settle with chewing a piece of gum, so it would stick to the door.
I went through the first door on my right. In it was a hair, a few books, a solitary candle stub lighting the room. A door was was directly across from me. I shut the door I had just came through, and went through the other. This door was hard to open, and snapped shut as soon as I stepped away from it.
This room was a small guest room - I assumed it was a guest room, because there was just a small cot for a bed - lighted by a lamp in the corner, and boarded up windows. There was yet another door on the other side of the room.
And so it went on like that. I went through bedrooms, TV rooms, once what seemed like a library, and I finally came to a stop in a small bathroom. The door shut on its own as I looked around. The mirror was cracked, the toilet was in the corner, smashed, and there was something red on the floor. As I bent down to investigate, my stomach lurched. The red stuff was blood.
I had to get out of here.
I flung the door open, expecting to see the bedroom I'd just come out of. But instead, it was a small sitting room, with a window that wasn't boarded up. I walked over to the window, and saw a strange sight. I was looking down from the third floor, though I hadn't gone up any stairs. Strange. My friends also seemed to have ditched me. I'd talk to them later.
I suddenly looked down at my watch, curious of the time. And - though I hadn't been in there more than a half-hour - my watch said it was 9:00 AM. That couldn't be. No way had I been in here seventeen and a half hours.
Something really strange was going on. I really need to get out of here. NOW.
I sprinted out of the room, and into - not that bathroom - but that first hallway I was in. I was on the other side of the hallway, and I ran towards the marked door. I through it open, expecting to see the front room, but instead came to yet another hallway.
I looked at my watch again. No more than five minutes could have passed, yet, my watch flashed 11:00 AM.
I broke down right then, and cried as I had never cried before. I was never getting out. I was stuck here, forever.
As I cried, I heard a deep laugh, echoing out from the depths of the house...

[JosiGenki]

Wow, that's really good, and very suspensful! Way to lead up to a nice mystery!

It does feel a bit too fast-paced to me, an the chapters are pretty short, but other than that, you're doing a good job.

(Nice job with the Twilight novels as reference books -- I'm glad someone else notices that that's what people see them as nowadays. xD )

[Megs784]

Less than three.

@Josi: Yeah, it feels face-paced to me, too. Yet, I didn't know what I could do to slow it down. I'm trying to work on that. Longer chapters I am not so great with. I feel like something long when I write it down, then it's so short on here. :/

Less than three.

[wisp-o-willow]

VERY NICE. Could you possibly read mine?

http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/original-stories-prose/a-nightmare-s-playground-prologue-critique-please/t.66502599/


thank you =]

[The Silver Paradox]

I think I've figured out the plot, I like how the story goes though. The way you tell it is praiseworthy.

[Megs784]

Less than three.

@wisp-o-willow: Thanks! I will when I have time.
@TVW: ORLY? PM me and I'll tell you if you have it right. I'm guessing you don't though.

Less than three.

[Ghisteslwchlohm]

I agree with Lirael, it's good, but it you need to work a bit on verb usage (in Ch.1 you use the wrong tense in your 2nd sentence, for example), and I think if you fix it and mix up your word choice a bit (esp. speaking verbs) the entire piece will flow a lot better and overall become even stronger. Overall, I like idea.

[Megs784]

Less than three.

I agree with you completely. I think I had better verb usage in Ch. 2 though. Yeah, I like this idea, too. It's actually a new version of an older idea I had.

Less than three.