My Story! Title:Sweet Angel

[Coco_Dinosaur]

One sunny afternoon, Akia awoke from a nap. She turned on the t.v. then she relized, Oh duh the t.v. needs to be repaired. So she went on a walk to the super store to get some carrots and juice. Her Mom is at work so shes the only one home.
She came apon the super store and when she was purchasing them she had a strange though someone was watching her. Then when she was walking home she heard a voice going, "Akia, Akia, Akia." She started to run home to see if her Mom got home. She was. So she ranin to say hi. "Hi Mom!" said Akia. "I am so happy to see you!".
"Oh hey you! You got the carrots and juice." said Haylee, Akia's Mom.
"Yeah, I was bored so I went to the store, but when I was heading home a strange voice kept going..Akia Akia Akia. So I ran back here."said Akia so fast her breath was out.
"Hey why don't you go see if Stacy wants to hang out with you?" said Haylee.
"Okay."said Akia.

She started walking to her house it was only a few blocks away. Then a mist body came apon her. "Hi!"said the mist body. Akia screamed. "Who are you?!"yelled Akia.
"Oh me I am just Silver Mist the princess of the Sweet Angels!"Silver Mist said in a cheery voice."I have come with no harm.
"Why did you follow me?!"said Akia.
"I was lost from my home and I saw you and wanted to ask if you've seen the Silver Sweet Island!" she said.
"Wait whats the Silver Sweet Island?" asked Akia in a frightned voice.
"It's the most cutest island you could ever see there is Candy!" said Silver Mist.
"Wait, so you are a what? asked Akia.
"Sweet Angel." said Silver Mist.
This is going to be a long day thought Akia.



I am going to be putting more chapters on every day so if you want to check in each day be my guest. This is my first chapter.

[Disjointed Paperdoll]

Wrong forum.

[Aereian]

This belongs in the Original Stories/Prose forum, dear. :]

[Eyeliner_Saint]

Wrong forum. Also, you switch tenses, and your story has no hook, or anything that would keep somebody reading. It's very random and pointless, and so far lacks any hint of a plot. It's also sickeningly cutesy(sp?). Keep working and revising, and maybe you could make it readable.

[OneXMuerte]

Susisonikai

One sunny afternoon, Akia awoke from a nap. She turned on the t.v. then she relized, Oh duh the t.v. needs to be repaired. So she went on a walk to the super store to get some carrots and juice. Her Mom is at work so shes the only one home.
She came apon the super store and when she was purchasing them she had a strange though someone was watching her. Then when she was walking home she heard a voice going, "Akia, Akia, Akia." She started to run home to see if her Mom got home. She was. So she ranin to say hi. "Hi Mom!" said Akia. "I am so happy to see you!".
"Oh hey you! You got the carrots and juice." said Haylee, Akia's Mom.
"Yeah, I was bored so I went to the store, but when I was heading home a strange voice kept going..Akia Akia Akia. So I ran back here."said Akia so fast her breath was out.
"Hey why don't you go see if Stacy wants to hang out with you?" said Haylee.
"Okay."said Akia.

She started walking to her house it was only a few blocks away. Then a mist body came apon her. "Hi!"said the mist body. Akia screamed. "Who are you?!"yelled Akia.
"Oh me I am just Silver Mist the princess of the Sweet Angels!"Silver Mist said in a cheery voice."I have come with no harm.
"Why did you follow me?!"said Akia.
"I was lost from my home and I saw you and wanted to ask if you've seen the Silver Sweet Island!" she said.
"Wait whats the Silver Sweet Island?" asked Akia in a frightned voice.
"It's the most cutest island you could ever see there is Candy!" said Silver Mist.
"Wait, so you are a what? asked Akia.
"Sweet Angel." said Silver Mist.
This is going to be a long day thought Akia.



I am going to be putting more chapters on every day so if you want to check in each day be my guest. This is my first chapter.

What? What? What? The first three sentences are like what? Seriously, you need to work on your writing.

[xX queen angel muffins Xx]

luved it

[Zechs Merquise]

Read the first paragraph and went, "huh?" I have too many questions I shouldn't have at this point.

Slow it down. Cool your jets. Describe what is going on. Smells, how things feel, you know, details. What is going on in her head?

As it is the first few lines are very telly. I don't feel like I'm in this person's head. Look up a short story in a magazine, see how they work. While you are at it, pick up a copy of The Elements of Style. It always comes in handy.

[Fay_Ink]

It doesn't really read like a story. Too much happens in too short a period of time. You haven't included any information, like Akia and Haylee's personalities, what they look like, and other things that happened to them during the day.
As for the sudden and random introduction of Silver Mist, there needed to be more of a buildup. What does the mist look like? How fast does it move? What was Akia thinking when she saw it?
It's a cute story, but I reccomend making it longer, more descriptive, and not quite so random.
By the way, I like the names Akia and Haylee. They're pretty.

[Arkangelstar1]

heart I am the Real Angel Princess 4laugh , the Princess of all Angels heart , and the first person in Gaia to do the FIRST EVER MISS GAIA BEAUTY PAGEANT heart

It is almost semi-original if this book of mine didn`t exist!!!!!!!!! >> arrow http://www.allbookstores.com/book/9781430327769/Kritzia_Arroyo/Angel_Princess_Star.html mrgreen rolleyes heart I am the Real Angel Princess 4laugh , the Princess of all Angels heart , and the first person in Gaia to do the FIRST EVER MISS GAIA BEAUTY PAGEANT heart