Fantasy Story--Please Critique! (Its Only the Beginning)

How would you rank my story so far?

Amazing! The best beginning of a novel I've read on Gaia!	0.0%	[ 0 ]
It's Pretty good. Keep up the good work and keep updating the story.	50.0%	[ 8 ]
Its average.	31.2%	[ 5 ]
I don't really care for it that much.	18.8%	[ 3 ]
Worst story I've read in a while!	0.0%	[ 0 ]
Total Votes:			[ 16 ]

[JeSuisMustapha]

You don't have too read the whole thing, but if you could give any feedback, that would be great. I started writing this a while ago (im a huge procrastinator), so i was looking for ides, comments, or any thing to make it better so far. if you're curious, i have the rest of this book planned out, but i need to be a lot more discriptive, or else at the rate i'm going, i will finish the book in less than 100 pages. Sad, i know.

Here is my map for the first book. (I know I like reading books and flipping back and forth to the map, but that may just be me.)


Well they're not exactly chapters, but you get the point.

Chapter 1
Chapter 2

**that's all i have so far. if you've read any of it, thank you. please comment!

[ded account12]

I hate to be the one to say it, but your story is almost exactly like Eragon. Only without the dragons and a few details twisted.

The beginning is the same, the plot is nearly the same, and even a few things your main character does is the same.

Not only that, but your plot moves /way/ too fast. One second he's in the desert and the next it's a week later and he's out of it. You need to learn to slow down and smell the roses, put in description, like you said at the beginning.

[JeSuisMustapha]

I completely thank you for your honesty. You sound exactly like my cousin. Ive been talking with her a lot. My plot changes a lot later in the story (well i think it does, but maybe i need to change it more). As for that though, I'm really trying to diverge it away from eragon. (i think i might have subconsciously taken pieces from it though, i started writing shortly after reading eragon, and through eldest) besides that, does it seem good for a start. oh, btw, i know i'm terrible at slowing things down, i need to work on that too ^^

[ded account12]

Well, other than changing a few pieces because no one wants to be accused of plagerism, I would suggest reading over your work repeatedly. That's usually what I do, and I find all of the places that could use some more detail or adjustment.

You need to introduce your character more. Who he is, what he likes, what are his quirks... etc. Right now, you're going too fast, and during his first interaction with the 'stranger' it seems to move ridiculously fast and Felkin is acting far too familiar with him. Instead of snapping at him, he should be wary and careful.

You should also consider when your characters would slow down, talk, eat, think about the future. What are they going to eat, how are they going to introduce themselves? Also, about their food, seeing as they're travelling, I would suggest they take something that doesn't rot really quickly like oranges and other fruit. Bread is more acceptable, cheese... sometimes, meat from hunting.

The 'stranger' is also acting far too familiar with Felkin. If you want him to be sleek and sophisticated with a hint of humor (as most usually do), don't make him immediately jump into knowing your main character. Make them witty, but not too personal. I don't know if I'm explaining too well, but the 'stranger' should be somewhat wary of telling some information, like he is, but he shouldn't force him companionship on Felkin.

"You should trust me because you have no other choice. The next city is at least a weeks ride away, so we will need to travel together if we want to live."

That part is what completely threw me off. You should find another reason why he would have to travel with him. And for the trust issue, he should avoid the issue to bring more mystery to him. Make Felkin realize that too.

The interaction between the characters is kind of... wonky. It's unstable and keeps shaking. Look around you and look at how people talk. I used to have that problem too, but if you start listening to how people talk, and the slangs they use, and rarely even accents, that'll strengthen your interaction.

Overall, it's a good basis of a story, just a few grammatical mistakes that we all have and some sentence structure problems, but you're definitely getting there. ^__^

[JeSuisMustapha]

i need to re-write their meeting. its peculiar the way altus comes in and how felkin reacts (im bad at judging actions ^^) i just want altus to be mysterious for now though. later we find out that he already knows felkin (well, sort of) and he isnt telling felkin the whole story...hes connected to the kidnapping (again... sort of). its a little confusing to explain, but if you're interested, i can elaborate on some details you want cleared up. i am working on getting "into" the story more, so it will be more realistic.

[ded account12]

Well all I can say for judging actions is, what would you do in that situation? If you were Felkin and you just met a mysterious stranger, would you act snappish and familiar, or would you act curious and wary. I mean, he's just been on the road for a while, I'm guessing, and suddenly he meets someone out of nowhere.

As for Altus, I'm guessing he doesn't want Felkin to know that he knows him yet, so he'd have to act less familiar, and more evasive to certain questions.

I get what you're trying to say, lol. He's keeping things from him until he really needs to know.

A tip on getting 'into' the story more would be to get to know your characters to a deep level. You need to know how they would react to anything that would happen. From your story, I don't really get much of their personal level, other than Felkin just seems like an angry kid sometimes and is the 'hero'. You need to develop him more from the beginning, and also branch away from Eragon.

I'd actually prefer to see it as you write it. If you'd post up your chapters on gaia as you go along, I'd love to read it and see your improvements and plot. ^__^

[JeSuisMustapha]

thanks for all the feedback. ill try to really develop the characters more (at least for me to know them more). i have a lot more background info, at least on the plot, if not so much on the characters. im hoping to write a series, so i have abit of future stuff worked out already, though not as much as i would like. do you have an e-mail? i could send you map pics and stuff to help understand the geography if you want.

[ded account12]

Alright. ^__^ It's a lot of work to write a series, let alone a novel, and you've got to have lots planned. =3

Sure, I'll send my e-mail through a pm. ^__^

[JeSuisMustapha]

ok. umm yeah, like i said... ive got some stuff planned ^^.also like i said... i wish i had more planned. i mentioned earlier that i have a sever case of procrastination. i was born that way unfortunately.

[ded account12]

Heh, procrastination is my middle name. XD I know I should keep on writing, but I'm just too damn lazy.. and I get distracted easily. X3

[Mt Ocean]

You just need to take one weekend or whatever, sit down, with no distractions or other tasks, and simply work on your story. Whether it be background information on your names, lifestlyes, description-filled pictures to help you, or working on your plot, or the story itself. That's my advice to you.

Remember, NO distractions. Eating is out of the question until it's done. ^^

[JeSuisMustapha]

why thank you milissa. ill remember that *no food, must write* like that will happen. If any one else has real comments, i would love them.

[Mt Ocean]

Gee, thanks. Glad my opinions matter.

[JeSuisMustapha]

they matter. but they aren't very helpful. you personaly know that food comes first for me.

[JeSuisMustapha]

((Chapter 2 link moved to first post))