deleted

[UmWhat]

deleted - sorry

[alice_loves_hatter]

Starts off well, but I almost stopped reading at "she had dark goth like makeup"


NO.

Don't wanna be harsh but that's what I immediately thought.
You broke your tone. You've got some lovely description going on, I like the ankles and calves description, but this was like *facepalm* in the middle of something good. What are you trying to say? Smokey eyes? Dark lipstick?
Don't be lazy about it, it will cost you readers.

Shall be back to comment more in a little while, I'm reading your other work and writing my own as we speak...

x.S.x

[polgara adara]

l like it and definatly want more smile .
I'm a seriousl complusive reader, I liked it but I agree with alice... the dark goth like makeup did strike a wrong note.
I look forward to the next insert

[Bottom_ Of_Pandora]

I love it, i know what you mean by the goth make up comment so no worries there. I hope to hear more from the plot!Im betting Yvette will crush him though!lol sorry she reminds me of me...except a few years older...hope you continue the story!

Kistana

[princessfafa]

Umm...okay. I've read better, but sounds pretty average and boring, WHICH IS WHAT I LOVE. EVERYONE THINKS THAT WRITING NEEDS TO BE AMAZING, BUT sometimes just average can be pretty good too.
Totally gotta 'gree bout the goth like makeup thing. TOTALLY OFFENSIVE. My best friend happens to be goth, and she doesn't wear a lick of makeup.
This has great potential.

MayMay

[Jezus on Acid]

princessfafa

Umm...okay. I've read better, but sounds pretty average and boring, WHICH IS WHAT I LOVE. EVERYONE THINKS THAT WRITING NEEDS TO BE AMAZING, BUT sometimes just average can be pretty good too.
Totally gotta 'gree bout the goth like makeup thing. TOTALLY OFFENSIVE. My best friend happens to be goth, and she doesn't wear a lick of makeup.
This has great potential.

MayMay

This

[polgara adara]

Loved the next two sections, I really like the gaming bit but that may be because I'm a bit of a fanatasy freak and I like rpg games. Can't wait for the next bit. smile

[iLuvElectronics]

It's fabulous. ;]

[Ai Kinomoto]

Pretty good. It kept me interested, at least. The one thing I might change is some of the description. It seems false, and doesn't fit in with the rest of your narration, especially since you have to fit in with your first person voice. It's kind of like you're over-using a thesaurus or something.

[UmWhat]

Ai Kinomoto

Pretty good. It kept me interested, at least. The one thing I might change is some of the description. It seems false, and doesn't fit in with the rest of your narration, especially since you have to fit in with your first person voice. It's kind of like you're over-using a thesaurus or something.

Thx for the comment. Could you give me some specific examples of what you mean by "sounding false." It's hard for me to see it as I'm so immersed in the writing. I actually didn't even use the Thesaurus once, must just be my style of prose. Perhaps I need to dumb it down? xp