Sophist's Critique Shack (retired)

[Bastemhet]

THIS IS THE OLD VERSION. VISIT THE NEW THREAD HERE.




The shack is back, for a limited time only. Hell, I'm not even sure I'll continue this past a week.

Anyway, I'll introduce myself. Some who have been here a long time will vaguely recognize me. For the most part I've probably been here longer than them (with vacations, of course). I consider myself practiced in the art of critiquing and writing poetry. If you don't believe me, check out my journal for examples of critique, as well as this post. My old poetry can be found here.

What Kind of Critique I Give

I usually give detailed critique, sometimes line by line, most often paragraphs exploring the ideas behind the poems, as well as technical aspects of the poem. I may be brutally honest, but that does not mean I will ever attack your personal character. I am only interested in the poetry.

Who I want to Critique

I am interested in reading the poetry of those who have been writing poetry but want to get past the next plateau, or those who are new who have a drive for the english language and intelligent potential.

This means if you don't spellcheck your posts, are only writing a poem for a homework assignment, or have knowledge of published poetry limited to that which teachers force upon you at school, you are not welcome here. If you're not sure, you might as well try.

I do not critique song lyrics.

READ THE RULES:

*I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE SERVICE TO ANYONE.

*If I think you're not on the level to be critiqued yet, I will probably recommend that you read more poetry and not critique the poem.

*For those who know how to read rules, post the word femur in the introduction of your post, or your poem will be ignored.

*The following should be in the post: What you wanted to say or accomplish within the poem, where you felt you succeeded, where you need help, and any other details you think I should know. This does not include an explanation to the poem's meaning. Please don't give me one. On with the critiques!

Disclaimer

I don't pretend to be a genius. If you don't think my critique was what you needed, you don't have to follow my advice. I take time out of my busy college schedule to help you. So at the very least you can give a quick thank you, if nothing more.

If you want a second opinion I recommend the C.R.U.E.L. critique thread.

[Bastemhet]

Note: Be prepared to wait. As it stands, I don't even use the computer Monday through Wednesday due to classes.

How the Quota system works:

* I will have a quota of 3 poems at a time.

* Anyone who posts when the quota is filled will not be added to a wait list. They will be ignored. That means first come, first served. Unless gold is involved, of course. In that case you are the priority.

*If I have no people in the quota when I go offline and come back again, whoever posted after my last critique will get first place in line.

*If I have 1-3 people in the quota, whoever posts after my last critique will get a place in the quota. This can either be those who already posted their poem and is reposting the link to the poem again to get a place, or those posting for the first time.

*If you want me to look at your poem that you posted while the quota was full, please wait until there's an empty spot and post a link to the poem
.
*I'm only one person, so this system is inherently imperfect. While some parts may seem unfair, I'm just doing whatever's easier for me.

Quota

1.
2.
3.

Poems Critiqued:

"summertime blues induced by a melting sky" by the hots
"Lunar Musings for the Cliched Mind" by Punctuated Paradoxes
"Cracks '2 out of 23'" by Skyhawk the 2nd
"fours years later, you were still eighteen" by Gred and Forge
"Oceanographer's Net"by Stolen Breath
"I. The Kingdom of the Dead" by Moppeh

[spock rockah]

edit: femur >0 missed that one, don't ignore meeee

summertime blues induced by a melting sky,
like left-out sherbet dripping into the horizon.
our skins were the only reminder that warmth was ever there,
fully evaporated for the day;
and the streets would hold out for a few hours after,
but eventually they died too.
and when that happened:

soggy cement soaked up all we had to say
'til we were both on mute,
staring nakedly as our hands tied
tighter than our tongues had ever been.

[kakteed]

Quote:

Green lawns
Trees, gardens, houses pointed
At red-light zones
You gotta watch for children playing in—

Blue skies and barbecues
Playground fences
Low enough to hop
Low enough to jump
They split the jungle gyms and soccer fields
Baseball fields and tennis courts
The basketball courts are…somewhere
The skaters section is unusually empty again.

They don’t let you stay outside
Unless you play some kind of sport
Because you’re laden with a 20 lb. backpack at least
Along with some kind of instrument
Playing or otherwise
Every
Day

Delinquents here don’t match up to the worst
Or,
They’re nice enough, so let’s just assume
That if they’re quiet, they haven’t killed anyone yet
And if they get counseling—
If they got counseling for everything that’s wrong with them—
Its not blood on our hands if they die.

It is now
With the sun blaring hard against
The blast of the stereo
Sung along to in mini-vans and
Jeeps

It is now
Less than 32 degrees Fahrenheit
I wait for the bus-stop
Covered in snow from the hands
Of this kid I never got to know

And later,
“You want a ride?”
Sure, who are you?
“I’m the mother of the cousin of that kid you know,
You know, the one who pelts you with snowballs at the bus-stop.”
So another ride declined
With the grin of that kid burning in my mind

And when it’s
Pouring from the sky
Umbrellas are grabbed, but are only used
Until parental vision is cut off
And they can’t see you hold it aside
Getting drenched in hopes of cleansing
Of developing illness enough
To get out of school
To get out of life

no one's really commenting on my board so...

[Bastemhet]

the hots

edit: femur >0 missed that one, don't ignore meeee

summertime blues induced by a melting sky,
like left-out sherbet dripping into the horizon.
our skins were the only reminder that warmth was ever there,
fully evaporated for the day;
and the streets would hold out for a few hours after,
but eventually they died too.
and when that happened:

soggy cement soaked up all we had to say
'til we were both on mute,
staring nakedly as our hands tied
tighter than our tongues had ever been.

1st stanza: blues ARE induced. Yes this is poetry, but not an excuse to ignore grammar unless it's necessary to the meaning of the poem and the rest of the poem follows suit.

I really like the dripping imagery.

I'm wondering where "there" is referring to. If you meant the day, "here" would be more appropriate. But this is confusing because in summer the nights aren't cold, they're usually warm. I live in California though, so that might be different for you.

Line 4 is a fragment, unless you're referring to the warmth, but this is obscured by the subject of "our skins." This is minor, but anything that snags the attention away from the momentum of the narrative is detrimental.

You used the semicolon improperly, because of the conjunction. I think it would be better as seperate clauses.

Streets dying would be an interesting metaphor, but I think you should develop it more because the context is not enough to explain what that comparison is. Streets dying is to ____ _____.

Stanza 2: Soggy cement makes me think it rained. Did it? We're missing information.

I like the way you used "nakedly," it describes the frankness between the subject and who he/she's with, and also gives you a hint of what's to come.

I also really like the intimacy of the "hands being tied tighter than tongues." It's sweet in its innocence. I have to admit the first time I read it I mistook the line for the tongues being tied together physically rather than the muteness, and that abrupt carnality was kind of a problem, but that was my accident. Still it's possible that if others don't read closely they'd make the same assumption and it would give a very different meaning to the poem.

All in all, I think it's a great poem about summer love. I'd advise you, though, to read Eats, Shoots and Leaves by Lynne Truss. It's a humorous diatribe by a grammar nazi that might give you a little insight as to how important a tool grammar can be.

[Follow My Lied]

Quote:

The following should be in the post: What you wanted to say or accomplish within the poem, where you felt you succeeded, where you need help

If I knew any of that, I wouldn't be here. gonk

At the Intersection

The traffic light hangs like a pendulum
from a skeleton finger
bent securely at the knuckle.
We queue up before it,
a flock of the shaken faithful
stopping a moment on our pilgrimage
for a sign that we should continue.

The sleepy red eye is blank, perhaps in thought,
and seems to ignore us all
in its concentration. We can only wait
and send out our silent pulses
Consider me!
Remember Me!

And we receive our confirmation, always green,
a tender bud poking through the old hard frost
of our endless doubt.

In the second between the go
and the body's acceptance of it,
the minds race, renewed, down the road.
Our feet are slow to follow.

[spock rockah]

exactly what i was looking for! thanks sophist wink

[Bastemhet]

the hots

exactly what i was looking for! thanks sophist wink

You're welcome! Thank you for reading the rules. It's the only thing I ask as compensation, really.

[Bastemhet]

bump

[Astaire]

Eeee! You're linking us. heart

Shall I put a link to your thread under "affiliates"? I know you say the thread is only back for a limited time, but I always feel like when someone else advertises for us, I should return the favor. 4laugh

[Bastemhet]

Astaire

Eeee! You're linking us. heart

Shall I put a link to your thread under "affiliates"? I know you say the thread is only back for a limited time, but I always feel like when someone else advertises for us, I should return the favor. 4laugh

If you like.

Nice guild invite, by the way. Made me laugh. 4laugh

[Poetical Science]

Damn shame nobody reads your rules. sad

[Aphrodite f l y t r a p]

Poetical Science

Damn shame nobody reads your rules. sad

Sure is. I read the rules, but I can't find a poem that I think is good enough to be critiqued, and she already did one of mine in my thread, so...Whatever.

I'll keep drifting in and out of here to see the percentage of people who do/do not read rules.

[Bastemhet]

Poetical Science

Damn shame nobody reads your rules. sad

I know, right? It would take, like, 2 minutes. I typically spend a minimum of 15 minutes on each critique so I don't think it's too much to ask.

*whine*

[Aphrodite f l y t r a p]

Know what? I want this critiqued anyway...I know it's pretty dang cliche... sweatdrop
And....femur.

Lunar Musings for the Cliched Mind

A seeming beauty,
beheld in
light from the moon,
shimmers softly.

An iridescent reflection
held weakly by
rippling water.

A moment there,
and then gone,
and then back again.

Much like a love
found and lost,
and found again
only to be lost.

The romantic moon
and its perpetual dreams,
kept in a secret silence
beneath an ever-present
blanket of stars.

They are always there,
never caring,
until you look at them
and find a meaning
that doesn’t really exist.

Only then do you realize…
beauty can never
have a meaning