Epiphany, 380 B.C. [FIZZ'S, STILL LOOKING FOR FEEDBACK!]

[Tahrillo]

Hello everyone, this is my first adventure into the OP/L subforum. I plan to enter this poem into Fizzlestick's poetry editing contest, so I'll value any imput that you guys can give me! Go on, rip it apart. We'll sew the pieces back together and create the ultimate Frankenstein monster.

I'm curious to see if you guys can tell what it's about without me telling you (Hill #1). So, without further ado...

Edit #3

380 B.C.

On the day of
the epiphany
you
ventured from
the civil den.

you
felt the earth gnaw
holes like
famished glass beneath
your naked palms

the palms

that wrung the captive
metal from your wrists
and the fire
like golden fractions from
your eyes

the eyes

that saw the mouth
above,
that heard the boulder crack
and the darkness
rush like marrow from
your bones

the marrow

that draws you upward
but still pools against
your stomach as you
ascend


In this the solar moment
the day on the tip
and teeth
of time,
the air is unconquerable

and
seeing this
your tongue becomes a bird.

The poem is supposed to be a poetic rendering of Plato's "Allegory of the Cave." You can read about it here. I tried to incorporate Plato's rhetoric of sun = knowledge, darkness = ignorance (more or less), and make allusions to things such as fire, shadows, and chains. This is the story of the man who first leaves the cave and steps into the sun.

Thanks for reading, guys! Here's a link to Fizzy's contest, to anyone that's interested.

And here are my previous edits (teeny-weeny idea courtesy of 2pound):

Edit #2

Epiphany, 380 B.C.


On the day of
the epiphany, you

felt the earth
like glass
beneath your naked
palms

the palms that

wrung the fire from
your wrists
and the metal
like golden fractions from
your eyes

the eyes that

heard the boulder
crack
and the darkness
rush like marrow from
your bones

the bones that

felt the gravity
pool against your stomach
as you ascend


In this the solar moment
the day on the tip
and teeth
of time,
the air is unconquerable

and
seeing this
your tongue becomes a bird.


Edit #1

[Title pending]


You

ventured from
the civil den


wrung the fire from
your wrists
and
the metal
like golden fractions from
your eyes

felt the earth
like glass
against your naked
palms

heard the boulder
crack
and the darkness
rush like marrow from
your bones.


In this the
solarmoment
the day
on the tip
and the teeth
of time
the air is unconquerable

and
seeing this
your tongue becomes a bird.



Epiphany, 380 B.C.

You
ventured from
the
civil den

felt the earth
like glass
against your naked
palms

wrung the fire from
your wrists
and
the metal
like golden fractions from
your eyes

felt the boulder
crack
and the darkness
rush like marrow from
your bones.


In this the
solarmoment
the day
on the tip
and the teeth
of time
the air is unconquerable

and
seeing this
your tongue becomes a bird.

[fizznomore]

Tahrillo

Epiphany, 380 B.C.

You
ventured from
the
civil den [Brave line breaks! "You" might be okay, but does "the" have enough to deserve its own line?]


felt the earth
like glass
against your naked
palms [I like how you draw sensuality out of the palms.]

wrung the fire from
your wrists
and
the metal
like golden fractions from
your eyes [I don't really know what's going on, but it sounds good.]

felt the boulder
crack
and the darkness
rush like marrow from
your bones.


In this the
solarmoment [Is this meant to be one word or two?]
the day
on the tip
and the teeth
of time
the air is unconquerable [without punctuation to guide me, I got a bit lost in this stanza]

and
seeing this
your tongue becomes a bird. <3
]

I'm not 100% clear on meaning, but I like it. I think I need to let it sit for a while, and then return.

[Tahrillo]

Thanks, Fizzle! The first stanza is the one that bothers me the most; I agree, I should probably fiddle around with the line breaks and perhaps consider a bit of rephrasing.

"Solarmoment" was intentional, but I'm not married to it at all. Do you have any suggestions for punctuation? The poem as a whole currently only has two periods, but I use the line breaks in some places as atrifical commas. (The last stanza, for instance, was originally one line: "The air is unconquerable: and, seeing this, your tongue becomes a bird." )

I'm not opposed to adding punctuation, reworking line breaks, or anything of the sort. I look forward to your return!

Also, I've changed my mind. I'm going to edit the first post and identify the poem's purpose at the bottom. It'll be easier for the reader that way, and I'll get more specialized suggestions. Then we can really dig into which images are working and which ones aren't.

[im probably highh]

This is really cool, but I have no idea what it's about. I like the way you write though. Super descriptive 4laugh

[Tahrillo]

iiMusicAddict

This is really cool, but I have no idea what it's about. I like the way you write though. Super descriptive 4laugh

Haha, no worries. Is there any particular part that confuses you? It's no good if no one can understand it!

And aw, gracias. ^_^

[im probably highh]

Tahrillo

The whole thing.. I don't get the meaning o:

[fizznomore]

Tahrillo

The poem is supposed to be a poetic rendering of Plato's "Allegory of the Cave." You can read about it here. I tried to incorporate Plato's rhetoric of sun = knowledge, darkness = ignorance (more or less), and make allusions to things such as fire, shadows, and chains. This is the story of the man who first leaves the cave and steps into the sun.

Interesting. I know the story, but I don't think I would've gotten that from the poem even if I'd spent a lot of time with it. If you want to maintain the connection, you'd probably need a stronger hint or reference—perhaps in the title.

[Tahrillo]

iiMusicAddict

Tahrillo

The whole thing.. I don't get the meaning o:

Hmm...

Are you familiar with the Allegory of the Cave? This video explains it really well.

That's what I'm trying to write about...that one prisoner who escapes. I used to have Plato in the title, but I took it out because I thought it made the reference too obvious...would it help if I put it back, or is the poem still too obtuse? ^_^;;

[Tahrillo]

Fizzlesticks

Tahrillo

The poem is supposed to be a poetic rendering of Plato's "Allegory of the Cave." You can read about it here. I tried to incorporate Plato's rhetoric of sun = knowledge, darkness = ignorance (more or less), and make allusions to things such as fire, shadows, and chains. This is the story of the man who first leaves the cave and steps into the sun.

Interesting. I know the story, but I don't think I would've gotten that from the poem even if I'd spent a lot of time with it. If you want to maintain the connection, you'd probably need a stronger hint or reference—perhaps in the title.

Heh, funny you should say that...my original title was " 'Cause That's What Plato Was Getting At."

Maybe not that exact title, but I'm thinking that I agree. "Epiphany, 380 B.C." is technically a hint, but I'm afraid it might be too thin. So I'll get to work on making my intention more clear from the beginning!

So, if you knew from the beginning what the piece is about...are there still things within the body of the poem that need to be made clearer?

[fizznomore]

Tahrillo

Fizzlesticks

Tahrillo

The poem is supposed to be a poetic rendering of Plato's "Allegory of the Cave." You can read about it here. I tried to incorporate Plato's rhetoric of sun = knowledge, darkness = ignorance (more or less), and make allusions to things such as fire, shadows, and chains. This is the story of the man who first leaves the cave and steps into the sun.

Interesting. I know the story, but I don't think I would've gotten that from the poem even if I'd spent a lot of time with it. If you want to maintain the connection, you'd probably need a stronger hint or reference—perhaps in the title.

Heh, funny you should say that...my original title was " 'Cause That's What Plato Was Getting At."

Maybe not that exact title, but I'm thinking that I agree. "Epiphany, 380 B.C." is technically a hint, but I'm afraid it might be too thin. So I'll get to work on making my intention more clear from the beginning!

So, if you knew from the beginning what the piece is about...are there still things within the body of the poem that need to be made clearer?

I'm too tired and crampy at present to be able to say anything useful. razz

[Tahrillo]

Fizzlesticks

Tahrillo

Fizzlesticks

Tahrillo

The poem is supposed to be a poetic rendering of Plato's "Allegory of the Cave." You can read about it here. I tried to incorporate Plato's rhetoric of sun = knowledge, darkness = ignorance (more or less), and make allusions to things such as fire, shadows, and chains. This is the story of the man who first leaves the cave and steps into the sun.

Interesting. I know the story, but I don't think I would've gotten that from the poem even if I'd spent a lot of time with it. If you want to maintain the connection, you'd probably need a stronger hint or reference—perhaps in the title.

Heh, funny you should say that...my original title was " 'Cause That's What Plato Was Getting At."

Maybe not that exact title, but I'm thinking that I agree. "Epiphany, 380 B.C." is technically a hint, but I'm afraid it might be too thin. So I'll get to work on making my intention more clear from the beginning!

So, if you knew from the beginning what the piece is about...are there still things within the body of the poem that need to be made clearer?

I'm too tired and crampy at present to be able to say anything useful. razz

Spoken like a true soldier. I release you from my chokehold of incessant questions! biggrin

[fizznomore]

Tahrillo

Fizzlesticks

Tahrillo

Fizzlesticks

Tahrillo

The poem is supposed to be a poetic rendering of Plato's "Allegory of the Cave." You can read about it here. I tried to incorporate Plato's rhetoric of sun = knowledge, darkness = ignorance (more or less), and make allusions to things such as fire, shadows, and chains. This is the story of the man who first leaves the cave and steps into the sun.

Interesting. I know the story, but I don't think I would've gotten that from the poem even if I'd spent a lot of time with it. If you want to maintain the connection, you'd probably need a stronger hint or reference—perhaps in the title.

Heh, funny you should say that...my original title was " 'Cause That's What Plato Was Getting At."

Maybe not that exact title, but I'm thinking that I agree. "Epiphany, 380 B.C." is technically a hint, but I'm afraid it might be too thin. So I'll get to work on making my intention more clear from the beginning!

So, if you knew from the beginning what the piece is about...are there still things within the body of the poem that need to be made clearer?

I'm too tired and crampy at present to be able to say anything useful. razz

Spoken like a true soldier. I release you from my chokehold of incessant questions! biggrin

Teehee. Bless. I'll be back.

[Tahrillo]

Alright, here's an edit based on what I've gotten so far:

Quote:

[Title pending, see below]


You

ventured from
the civil den


wrung the fire from
your wrists
and
the metal
like golden fractions from
your eyes

felt the earth
like glass
against your naked
palms

heard the boulder
crack
and the darkness
rush like marrow from
your bones.


In this the
solarmoment
the day
on the tip
and the teeth
of time
the air is unconquerable

and
seeing this
your tongue becomes a bird.

I didn't do much. I took Fizzy's advice and removed "the" from the line of its own, then placed "You" as its own stanza; I think it communicates with the rest better that way. I changed "felt the boulder crack" to "heard the boulder crack" in order to utilize a wider range of senses.

I messed with the chronology a bit. Logically, the man would have to break free of his chains before he can feel his palms against the earth. It makes more sense, but the order doesn't sound quite as good to my ears...but that's to be edited later, if you guys think this is a good change.

My question to you, though: the places that seem baffling, where the imagery is confusing or the wording/punctuation isn't clear...can anyone put their finger on what's bothering them, exactly? I'd love to fix these things, but I need to know where the leak is before I start poking around inside my patient's body.

At the moment I'm struggling to find a title. I need something that will say to the reader, "Hey, this poem is about Plato's Allegory of the Cave!" but I'm not sure how obvious or not obvious it should be. I'd like people to know what the poem is about purely from clues in the text, without me having to tell them. A few possibilities I've come up with so far (in descending order of obviousness):

"Plato's Allegory of the Cave"
"The Allegory of the Cave"
"The Cave"
"The Allegory"
" 'Cause That's What Plato was Getting At" (<--This was the title in a previous edit. It's a bit cheeky.)
"Epiphany, 380 B.C."

What do you guys think? Or maybe someone has a better suggestion?

[fizznomore]

Tahrillo

[Title pending] [Plato's Cavern?]


You

ventured from
the civil den


wrung the fire from
your wrists
and metal [suggestion for rhythm]
like golden fractions from
your eyes

felt the earth
like glass
against your naked
palms

heard the boulder
crack
and the darkness
rush like marrow from
your bones. [I always feel really awkward about using full stops in poems, but no commas etc. I know the line breaks are doing that job, partially, but it feels weird! I'd go one way or the other.]


In this the
solarmoment [I'm not sold on the compound word. It feels like of forced.]
the day
on the tip
and the teeth
of time [this feels like one of those moments where we *really* need the comma]
the air is unconquerable

and
seeing this
your tongue becomes a bird. heart

It is quite a splendid thing.