The Story This Far...
CHAPTER ONE (The Consultation)
PART ONE (set-up now, sex later)
The boat landed at nightfall. Edward sauntered down the gangplank, Jacob trailing after him like the dog that he was. The moon was black, but the stars gave enough light to see by. He heard Jacob curse as he stubbed his toe on a large crate. Edward smiled sardonically. There was nothing quite as amusing as Jacob’s pain.
“Next time warn me, you bloody blood-sucker,” Jacob snarled.
Edward smirked. “I didn’t know you were British, Dog.” He continued walking down the dock, leaving Jacob fuming behind him. Not that he cared or anything remotely like that. Besides, it was the dog’s own fault for taking the job.
A month ago, Alice had decided that she would put her “talents” to good use and start a psychic consultation business. Well, more like she had a vision of it happening. And with Renesmee going into college soon, Bella’s job at Burger King would no longer be sufficient to pay the expenses. Bella refused to find a better paying job, so Edward had taken a position at Alice’s company as an envoy. Basically, Alice would see the future, and Edward would relay it to the client.
Everything was going well until Jacob got it into his head that he should get a job too. He felt that, as her fiance, he should help pay for Renesmee’s college expenses. And Alice suggested that he might have a job at her company. Jacob gratefully excepted, of course.
Well, for the first few weeks, they had no customers, so Edward hardly had to actually work with Jacob, aside from fetching thing for Alice (she thought that so long as they were there, they might as well be useful). But then they got a letter. Some Firelord Zuko wanting to know if his country would survive post-war trauma. Alice apparently thought the job required two people, so she sent Edward and Jacob, her lap dog.
Edward stopped beneath an old shack to wait for the mysterious client (who was only mysterious because it is kinder to say than “barking mad”). Pfft, Zuko. What a dumb name. Almost as dumb as Jacob.
He heard Jacob stumble in the dark (because he lacked awesome night vision) and curse loud enough to wake the dead. “Jacob, would you shut up? We don’t know anything about this client, or this place, and don’t want to attract any-”
“Hello, gentlemen.” A hooded and cloaked figure stepped out of the shadows. Jacob bowed instinctively, but Edward stood as straight as a flagpole. He bowed to no man (or vampire).
“So,” Jacob ventured, “Would you mind telling me why you decided to meet us here of all places?” Edward, of course, knew the answer, but then Jacob lacked awesome skillz (such as mind reading).
“Jacob, this is our client, Firelord Zuko. He wanted to meet us here so we wouldn’t raise... Suspicions.”
Zuko gave him an appraising look. “It would seem you’ve done your research.”
“No, I just read minds.”
“Right.” The Firelord said it sarcastically. “Anyway, do you have my, ah, consultation?”
“Of course we do.” Edward pulled an envelope from the deep folds of his khaki trench coat. “But, you have to pay first.”
Zuko handed him a bag that jingled when he shook it. Edward handed him the envelope. Zuko nodded, and started to walk away, but turned back. “If you’re not planning on leaving now, we could go get some drinks.”
Jacob whooped. He loved partying. Which was the reason Edward disliked it. But if he left Jacob here, Alice would kill him.
“I guess I could have a few,” he said cautiously.
“Well, come on then.” Zuko walked around the shack, Jacob trailing after him like a... Well, a dog. Edward stood alone, musing. Should I go? If I don’t, Jacob will surely get himself into some kind of trouble, since he lacks awesome skillz. Plus, he wanted to see what this Zuko fellow was like. He ran at his super-fast inhuman pace and caught up with the other two easily.
They walked a few blocks down the road, which was teeming with people even at this late hour. Zuko led them down alleys and twisty back streets, to avoid being followed (Edward read his mind again).
PART TWO (build up to t3h sex0rz)
They left the bar in good spirits, laughing and joking and insinuating things. Then Zuko suddenly suggested, "Hey, we should go to a hotel."
Jacob stared at him blankly, for the alcohol had slowed his wits, but Edward was quick to grasp the situation (because he could read minds). He knew very well what Zuko intended. And he wasn't the least bit surprised. After all, no one could resist his sexy, sparkly body.
Edward nodded his head. "Yes, I think that might be best... We will have trouble getting back to our ship in our current states." Well, he wouldn't, of course, because he was a vampire, but Jacob was thoroughly drunk. Hearing a thump behind him, Edward turned to see Jacob sprawled on the ground. He inclined his eyebrow at Zuko in a very sexy manner, and they grabbed Jacob by his arms and dragged him bodily to the hotel.
PART THREE (srry, no sex0rz yet)
They checked into the hotel in the middle of the night. The clerk gave them odd looks, wondering why a scintillating guy and the Firelord would be dragging an unconscious man up to a hotel room in the middle of the night (Edward actually didn't read his mind this time. The clerk plainly asked, "Why would a scintillating guy and the Firelord be dragging an unconscious man up to a hotel room in the middle of the night?" ). As he handed them the key, the clerk told them not to break anything, and if they got anything on the carpet there was oxyclean under the sink in the bathroom. Their room was on the fifth floor, so they took the elevator.
In the elevator, they met a LOL (little old lady), and the LOL (Lord of Laundry). The Little Old Lady asked if they were having a pleasant time, to which Zuko replied, "Not yet." The Lord of Laundry gave them a queer look, and Edward resisted the urge to read his mind, because he was sure he already knew what the LOL was thinking. Damn, that scintillating guy is so ******** sexy.I WANT. He smirked to himself. It was a cocky smirk, but if anyone had the right to be cocky it was him. I mean, come on, he was ********]
PART FOUR (god dammit, still no sex0rz? what the hell are you reading this for?)
They managed to get Jacob up to the room without any further interruptions. Edward dumped Jacob unceremoniously onto the floor while Zuko got some drinks out of the mini bar. Edward smirked at that (again). "Why are getting drinks out? Don't you want to remember tonight?" He raised one eyebrow in a very sexy manner (wait, didn't I write this already?) as Zuko's face turned a bright red.
"Touche," he said, turned to put the drinks back in the fridge. Before he had taken two steps, however, Edward grabbed him by the arm, spun him around, and kissed him full on the mouth (well, he moves really, really fast, okay?). Zuko stuggled a bit, albeit feebly. Edward might have lost his head then, but he was a vampire, and vampires never loose their heads.
After a full minute, Edward let Zuko go (Edward might not need to breathe, but he had heard that his kisses left normal humans breathless).
"DO. NOT. WANT." Zuko said through clenched teeth, but his thoughts belied his words (we've been over this, Edward can read minds).
Edward wrapped his arms around the Firelord. "Oh come on, I can read minds."
At that moment, Jacob stirred. He opened his eyes and looked around, his feeble werewolf mind obviously confused. When he saw Edward and Zuko, however, he was quick to grasp the situation (god dammit, I need some new terms). "What are you two doing?"
"What does it look like we're doing, Dog (dog as in canine, not the ghetto "Dawg" )? We're about to make passionate love." Edward said in a scathing manner.
Zuko jumped. "What? You didn't tell me that's what we were doing!"
"Why should I? You'll go along with it easily enough. I foresaw it.(whoops, that's Alice's power) You won't be able to resist my sexyness anyway."
PART FIVE (sex0rz!)
Jacob laughed. It was a barking sound, not at all sexy like Edward's laughs. Then he took off his pants and transformed into his werewolf form.
Zuko's eyes went wide. "You can't possibly think that we're going to ******** us in that form, do you?"
"Yeah, seriously Jacob, change back or leave." Jacob gave a little whine, but changed back.
"You guys are dicks," he muttered.
Edward shrugged out of his shirt in a sexy manner, then took off his pants in a sexy manner. Then he started removing Zuko's ridiculous robes, which looked more like a wedding dress, but who cared since he wouldn't be wearing them much longer anyway?
-----[page break]-----
At the sight of Zuko's nude form, Edward might have gone hard, if his whole body wasn't already that way permanently. Jacob for gotten, he pushed Zuko down on the bed and slid his package into Zuko's back door. The firelord shivered, possibly because Edward's body temperature was lower than 50 degrees F at the moment.
A hand grabbed his shoulder. Edward turned around to see Jacob, who he had forgotten about, standing behind him. "It's my turn, old man."
"I'll have you know that I am NOT old."
"Whatever. It's still my turn, and you're still over 100 years old."
"Ew, you didn't tell me you were OLD!" Zuko's voice was muffled by a pillow, but Edward heard him with his super vampire hearing.
Then Jacob transformed again. Edward didn't kill him like he threatened, he actually just nodded. So Jacob mounted him and started pumping away at his arse (which was sparkling, even though the sun was down). Jacob shivered, becasue Edward's body temperature was ridiculously low, like, freezing low. It was like ******** a block of cold marble, well, more like a godly statue of cold marble.
And then Jacob said "OMG, I just came ;D" And pulled out of Edward and transformed back into his human form.
Then the phone one the side table rang. Jacob picked it up, seeing as he was the only one who was finished. "Hello?" he said.
"WHERE ARE YOU GUYS YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE BACK AN HOUR AGO ROAR!"
"Oh, hi Alice. Uh, Edward's kind of busy..."
"I DUN CARE, JUST COME BACK RIGHT AWAY. BELLA'S BEEN FIRED FROM HER JOB AND SHE IS DISTRAUGHT!"
"Okay, we'll be right there." Jacob hung up the phone and looked pointedly at Edward.
"Yes, yes, I know. I'll finish right up then we can leave," Edward said with a grunt.
CHAPTER TWO (The Journey to M.O.D. Jail)
PART SIX (The Prophecy Partly Revealed)
Edward slapped Bella, a hard back-handed blow to her left cheek. "You stupid WHORE! I can't believe you got fired from Burger King!"
Bella's eyes glistened with tears. "I-I'm s-sorry but-"
"No BUTS!" Edward slapped her again, harder this time. The force of the blow brought Bella to her knees. "You better get a better job, or next time I'll divorce you!"
Bella's body convulsed, though she didn't cry out. "I promise I'll do better next time," she whispered. She pushed herself to her feet and fled the room.
"Edward, you really shouldn't beat your wife. She is very important to the prophecy." Carlisle lounged sexily against the door frame.
Edward scoffed. "I thought my whore of a daughter was the Promised One." He kicked at the rug.
"Well, she actually might not be."
Edward glared at Carlisle. "What? You mean to tell me your wizard was wrong? I find THAT hard to believe." The last he said sarcastically, as if he very well could believe it.
Carlisle laid a hand on Edward's shoulder, though it was clear by the look on his face that he would rather hit him. "Well, yes, and no. You see, my wizard had some new information. She says that Renesmee will be the mother of the Promised One."
"And who would the father be?" Edward asked, though he was already pretty sure he knew the answer, even though Carlisle didn't.
PART SEVEN (Carlisle the Unicorn)
Edward glowered. "Hey Dad, where's Jacob?" he snarled. Why he should be getting so protective over his daughter's virtue NOW, instead of when she had first became a whore at Mr. Moarbucks' (he has moar bucks than you) behest, was beyond him. Maybe it was just the idea of Jacob violating his daughter.
Carlisle gave Edward a suspicious glance. "He's not here."
"Don't lie to me Carlisle."
"I'm not. He's really not here." Carlisle sat down on one of the several posh armchairs that were scattered around the room. He motioned for Edward to do the same. "You might want to sit for this."
Edward sat. "Now, would you mind telling me where Jacob is?"
"He was arrested by the M.O.D Squad, for crimes against humanity. And also for raping children."
"Oh, well, good riddance." Edward stood and started walking out the door.
"You know," Carlisle called after him, "We are going to have to go get him."
"Oh yeah? Well, what if I don't want to?" And he left.
-----[page break]-----
Carlisle remained sitting, and put his feet up on the coffee table. Esme would yell at him, for sure, but he didn't really care. They were drifting apart as it was, what was another senseless fight?
"Helloooooo, NURSE!" came an exubrant cry from the door way. Carlisle looked up, and saw his First Wife, who was really just the most important of all his other concubines. She walked into the room, wearing an absurd robe and a pointy hat with stars embroidered on it.
"Are the fangirls secure?" he asked when she was standing in front of him.
"Of course they are. I even wizard-locked the door so they can't get into your underwear drawer again."
Carlsile scoffed (it was a sexier scoff than Edward's had been). "You are always talking about all these spells, but I've never actually seen you perform one."
First Wife pouted. "What's the matter? You don't believe me?"
"No, not really."
First Wife took her wand out of her sleeve and waved it around. "Well then, I'll prove it!" She chanted an incantation, and hit him on the head with her wand. A puff of sparkly dust surrounded Carlisle and cut off his vision. When the dust cleared, First Wife was snickering.
"What is so funny?" he asked sternly, and whinnied. Huh. That was odd. He had never whinnied before. First Wife pointed to a mirror that also happened to be in the same room. Carlisle looked in the mirror, and saw a unicorn looking back at him.
PART EIGHT (I'm the Map!)
"Carlisle, you are a unicorn."
Carlisle tossed his mane. "You always were quick to grasp the situation, Edward. Was it the extra legs that gave it away, or the horn?" He whinnied impatiently. "Anyway, I have found a map."
"A map?"
"A map, Edward! To M.O.D. Jail! We're going to M.O.D. Jail, Edward!"
"Uh. Yeah. Right. You DO know that there is no M.O.D. Jail, right?"
"No, it's as real as this horn on my head." Carlisle poked Edward with the horn, just to make sure he got the POINT!
Edward pushed the horn away. "Anyway, do you mind telling me how you got the map?"
Carlisle nodded. "I just chanted 'I'm the map' several times. Be warned, we will have to do that when ever we want to look at the map."
"So can we look at the map now?" Edward was getting exasperated.
Carlisle snorted. "Of course. But you have to chant with me. I'm the map."
"I'm the map."
"I'M the map."
"I'm the map."
"For the love of Stephanie, Edward, put some FEELING into it! Where's your 'umph?'" Carlisle tossed his mane for what I fear might not be the last time.
"Probably in my room where I left it."
"What ever. Carry on then. I'M the MAP!"
"I'm THE map!"
"I'm the MAP!"
"I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the MAP!" Map materialized before them, finishing the chant himself. "Where do you want to go?"
Carlisle opened his mouth, but Edward was the first to speak. "We need to get to the M.O.D. Jail."
"Oh, I know how to get to the M.O.D. Jail! Do YOU know how to get to the M.O.D. Jail?"
This time Carlisle spoke up. "No, we don't, or we wouldn't need to ask."
"No need to get snippy with me! I can't stand scissors!" (ba dum hissss)
PART NINE (Edward finds his 'umph')
Carlisle tossed his mane and snorted. "So, Map, how do we get to the M.O.D. Jail?"
"Oh, that's easy!" Map unrolled himself in mid air and alighted upon the table. "First, you go through the Spooky Forest." An illustration of a forest lit up, and a blipping sound was heard in the background. "Then, you have to go over the Troll Bridge." A picture of a bridge lit up, and some trolls appeared around it. "And THAT'S how you get to the M.O.D. Jail!" Map rolled up again, and disappeared.
Edward shrugged. "That seems simple enough. First we go through the Spooky Forest. Then we go over the Troll Bridge. And that's how we get to M.O.D. Jail. Come on Carlisle, vamos!" Edward walked out the door.
Carlisle paused only to grab a purple backpack, then hurried out the door after Edward.
Needless to say, they made quite a sight. Imagine for a minute that you are walking down the road on sunny afternoon. As you turn the corner, you see a sparkling youth being followed by a unicorn with a talking backpack. You would probably be so surprised you wouldn't be able to move until they were well away from you.
Well, what you have just hypothetically experienced actually happened to one poor girl. She was so surprised she dropped her ice cream cone. She forgot she was in the middle of the street, and was hit and killed by a passing car. Carlisle used his unicorn powers to heal her while no one was looking.
PART TEN (Spooky Forest, home of the Chatterboxites)
After walking down the road a while, the two were suddenly in the Spooky Forest. Carlisle looked around. "Edward, we should be careful. We don't know..." Carlisle paused and looked down at a sudden beeping noise. A red piece of plastic had appeared in his hoof. It flashed once, then went to a view of the forest.
"The Spooky Forest," it said in a robotic voice, "is full of unsavory creatures, such as chatterboxites." It flashed to a new screen, displaying a pair of dentures. "Chatterboxites reside in the Spooky Forest. They prey on small bugs and twigs, but have been known to swarm hikers in large groups. Their call is quite distinct," the plastic toy thing then played a recording, "bumpbumpbumpbump," and flashed off.
"Well," said Carlisle, "I guess we know what we are up against now."
"How are you holding that?" Edward asked, meaning the red toy.
"I don't know, Edward."
"You don't even have thumbs."
"I stopped questioning things five paragraphs ago," Carlisle said, and shrugged. "Well, I suppose we had better get going before-" He was cut off by a high pitched noised.
"Bumpbumpbumpbumpbump..."
Edward looked around, trying to figure out where it was coming from. "Oh no..."
"Bumpbumpbumpbumpbump..."
"Hurry Edward, jump on my back and I'll fly you to safety!"
"But, you aren't a pegasus, you're a unicorn."
"I'm hoping that maybe I'll grow wings as a plot device, now hop on!" Edward did, and Carlisle galloped and jumped.
Well, he didn't grow wings, but Edward had gotten so scared of the chatterboxites that he lost his lunch. Which had been converted into fairy dust by his digestive system. Carlisle whinnied in disgust, but hey, he was flying, so he wasn't going to complain too much.
Below them, the chatterboxites swarmed over the trees, eating them bare. From up high, they looked like those little gummy dentures you sometimes get on Halloween.
PART ELEVEN (Edward Needs Some Lotion for His 3rd Degree Burn)
Well, after flying for a few minutes, Edward spotted the Troll Bridge. "Hey Carlisle, I've just spotted the Troll Bridge," he said. He pointed to a rickety wood-and-rope bridge strung across a deep gorge.
Carlisle looked at it in disdain. He would rather not walk on it, but Edward's fairy-dust-barf was wearing off, and he was loosing altitude quickly. He landed on the ground just in front of the bridge.
Edward climbed off his back and jumped on the bridge. It swayed and shook, but held up all right. "Come on!" he said, and started across it.
Carlisle walked onto the bridge slowly. He was nearly halfway across when Edward stopped.
"Carlisle," Edward said. "Caaaarlisle."
"What do you want?" Carlisle snapped.
"We're on a bridge!"
Carlisle snorted and speared Edward on his horn. Edward squirmed and gagged a bit, then stopped moving. Carlisle shook him off impatiently and continued across the bridge.
Edward stood up and healed himself. He scratched his head and caught up with Carlisle, who was almost over the bridge. "Hey Carlisle," he said, "Why is this called the Troll Bridge? I haven't seen any trolls."
Carlisle shook his head. "They only come out if there is something to flame."
"Oh." Edward opened his mouth.
"Hey, I know what you are thinking, and don't do it."
"Wait, I'M the one who can read minds."
"Yes, yes, anyway, don't do it. You don't want to be flamed, I can tell you."
"Oh pooh. I can take on a few trolls." Edward cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, "TWILIGHT IS THE AWESOMEST BOOK EVER! ANYONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE IT IS A N00B f**!"
All of a sudden, thousands of trolls swarmed up the sides of the gorge and flooded onto the bridge. They were all short, and armed with flame-throwers. One of them, who appeared to be the leader, stepped forward.
"Twilight is a horrible piece of garbage, and all of the copies should be burned." She raised her flame-thrower and burned Edward.
Carlisle hissed in sympathy. "I told you so." Edward didn't reply, as he was applying lotion to his 3rd degree burn.
Another one of the trolls shouted, "Twilight is the sexual fantasy of a deprived Mormon woman!" His flame singed Carlisle's luxurious mane.
Carlisle stamped his hoof impatiently. "Okay, you win, have any of you seen a wolf-man running around, or possibly locked up?"
A little troll stepped forward. "Ya, I saw him. Obvious ***** was obvious. We flamed him good, and blamed the forest fire on him, too. Smoky the Bear locked 'im up."
"Oh no, not Smoky," Carlisle gasped.
Edward looked at him quizzically. "What's so bad about him? Doesn't he save the forest or whatever?"
"Yes, but if Smoky is running the M.O.D. Jail, then it will basically be a furry harem."
Edward's eyes widened. "Oh. That would be bad."
Carlisle rolled his eyes. "Don't fake it, everyone knows you are a closet furfag."
Edward had no reply to that, so he just shoved through the trolls to the other side of the bridge. Carlisle was close behind him. "So, let's go get Jacob, kay?"
PART TWELVE (Smokey the Bear Hits on Carlisle the Unicorn)
The closer they got to M.O.D. Jail, the more nervous Carlisle grew. He was not looking forward to meeting Smokey the Bear. He had heard a lot about the warden's fetishes, and he knew that his gorgeous unicorn form would be irresistible to the bear. As M.O.D. Jail loomed ahead of them, he shivered.
Edward, on the other hand, was eager to get to the jail. Though he would never admit it to anyone (least of all Carlisle), he was secretly a furfag. He was looking forward to get to what Carlisle had described as a "furry harem".
As they neared the door to the jail, a large bear walked out to meet them. It was Smokey, a fact made obvious by the name tag. Carlisle inclined his head politely while Edward salivated.
Smokey gave Edward an odd look, shrugged, and turned to look at Carlisle. Carlisle shivered at the look he saw in Smokey's eyes. "Hello, Mr. Warden," he said, "We are looking to bail out a friend of ours. We understand that you locked him up here, but we would like him back now."
Smokey rubbed his chin, pondering Carlisle's words. "Well, I would be more than happy to give him to you, but I'm afraid that may be impossible."
"What?" Edward asked, aghast.
"Well, the hax0r found a way out. But he wasn't too successful, if I do say so myself."
"What do you mean? He got out of your furfag hell," Carlisle asked, confused.
"Well, the cheat code backfired, and turned him into a her."
"Oh. That is unfortunate."
"Well, I guess I'll send you on your way now," Smokey said, "Unless, of course, you want to stay?"
Carlisle, who the question was directed at, shivered. "No thank you, we'll be fine."
"Very well. Good day." The bear lumbered bak into his furry fortress. Carlisle sighed in relief, though Edward looked a bit disappointed.
PART THIRTEEN (Bella is Icky)
Before stepping onto the Troll Bridge, Carlisle made sure to tape Edward's mouth shut with some duct-tape he found lying around M.O.D. Jail. Edward protested the rough treatment, but Carlisle ignored him. What could a p***y fairy do to a manly vampire unicorn, anyway?
They crossed the bridge in silence, unhindered by trolls. Carlisle prodded Edward along with the tip of his horn, making the fairy squeak in an amusing way. Just as they were about to reach hte edge, a form struggled over the side of the bridge and stood in front of them.
The girl looked familiar, though Carlisle was sure he would remember someone as sexy as the shapely woman standing before him. She looked to be of Native American descent, with long dark hair and dark skin.
While Carlisle was distracted, Edward ripped the tape off of his face. "Jacob!" he shouted. "Why do you have bewbs?!"
Jacob squeezed his new assets, grinning. "Well, when I haxed the M.O.D. Jail system, I added this nifty code that would change my gender!"
Edward reached forward. "Can I touch them?"
"Sure!"
Carlisle was disgusted that he had been daydreaming about this tranny, and also that Edward had outwitted him. He snorted and shoved past the two onto stable land. "Come on, homos, we've got to get back. Bella's already been left to her own devices for a couple of hours, only Smeyer knows WHAT she's done."
Edward and Jacob composed themselves and followed Carlisle into the spooky forest. The chatterboxites were sleeping in their dens, so the journey was safe.
"Why is Carlisle a unicorn?" Jacob's feminine voice was disturbing. It sent shivers down Carlisle's spine.
"His wife turned him into one."
"Esme?"
"No, the other one."
"Which other one?"
"Do you think I can tell them apart?"
"Would you guys shut up?" Carlisle yelled over his shoulder. He instantly regretted it. The chatterboxites were irate about being woken up, and they swarmed the trio. Edward jumped onto Carlisle's back, helping Jacob up behind him.
"Edward, do that fairy-dust-barf thing!" Carlisle yelled.
Edward was already on it, thinking of all kinds of disgusting scenarios. It didn't work. Edward then visualized Bella in his mind.
Needless to say, it sufficed. Edward spewed fairy dust all over Carlisle, who rose into the air. They flew over the Spooky Forest, back to their house in Forks.
CHAPTER THREE (Oh, Dear God...)
PART FOURTEEN (The Package)
“So, Jacob.”
Jacob sighed. “What is it, Edward?” She brushed her long, silky black hair out of her face and batted her eyes.
“Well, Jacob, I was thinking... No, it's stupid.” Edward looked away. He would be blushing, but since he was a vampire, he couldn't. So instead he just sparkled.
Jacob chuckled. “What is it? You're sparkling.”
“Yeah, well, uh, this is just really embarrassing for me.”
“Aw, come on,” Jacob purred, which Edward thought was oddly out of character, considering the fact that Jacob was a werewolf.
He sighed, giving in. “Alright, alright. Well, I was just thinking, that since Bella and I divorced, and you're a girl and all, well... I was wondering if you would, uh, marry me?” The last part was barely audible, a mere squeak, but Jacob heard it anyway.
“Oh, Edward, of course I will!” She jumped up off the couch and hugged him.
Edward was just about to kiss her, but then he heard a knock at the door. He got up and opened it. Carlisle, who was still a unicorn, was standing in the doorway. “Hey, Edward, there's a package for you outside.”
Edward groaned. “It's not a box full of fangirls, is it? I thought we stopped that when we set the last box on fire.”
“I don't think so. There was no squealing.”
Well, that was good enough for Edward. He ran to the front door and pushed the package inside. It was small, but really, really heavy. He opened it up and...
We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do i
A full commitments what Im thinking of
You wouldnt get this from any other guy
I just wanna tell you how Im feeling
Gotta make you und-
Edward slammed the box shut and threw it out the door. Then he walked back inside. “Guys, we've been Rickrolled!”
Carlisle poked his head out of the living room. “Shut up, brat, I'm watching House. Wait, did you say we've been Rickrolled?” He shot out of the living room. “This is horrible! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?”
“WE'VE BEEN RICKROLLED?!” Jacob ran out of the bedroom, half in her dog form for some reason. Edward decided not to ask.
“Hey, you two weirdos, get in here,” Carlisle hollered from the kitchen. Edward and Jacob joined him around the bubbling caldron. “Ah, glad you could join me. Now, to find out the hidden meaning behind this Rickroll...”
PART FIFTEEN (Platypi?)
Carlisle peered into the bubbling depths of the caldron. Edward looked over his shoulder. “So, Carlisle, do you know what-”
“Shut up! I need to concentrate.”
“But Carlisle-”
“Jacob, could you shut him up please?” Jacob nodded, and duct taped Edward's mouth shut.
“Good. Now, I'm getting a vision... A-a man, yes, he's kind of tall... And pale... Oh, with red eyes...” Jacob looked at Edward, who shrugged.
“Oh my Stephanie, it's Voldemort!” Carlisle backed away from the caldron, panting. Jacob untaped Edward's mouth since Carlisle was done.
Edward actually looked a bit wary, which normally didn't happen, considering that he was, you know, Edward Cullen, among other things. “Voldemort Rickrolled us? But, that means he knows where we are! He'll kill us all for sure!” Voldemort had killed Edward's slightly less attractive wizard cousin, Cedric Diggory, so Edward knew all about the evil wizard and his murderous ways.
Jacob gasped. “You mean the same evil wizard who killed your slightly less attractive wizard cousin, Cedric Diggory?”
Carlisle gasped. “Voldemort killed your slightly less attractive wizard cousin, Cedric Diggory?”
Edward nodded. Jacob screamed and fainted. Carlisle groaned. “Edward, what are we going to do? This is bad. He's like, the most evily evil wizard in the history of evil wizards!”
“Yeah, yeah, I've got it handled. We'll just have to call the Power Rangers.” Edward grinned.
Carlisle didn't feel any better. “Edward, the last time you had the Power Rangers over, you all just got drunk and did things I can't bear to mention.”
Edward sparkled in embarrassment. “Well, I, uh, I guess we could move, or something.”
Carlisle shook his head, his mane swishing. “No, I have a better idea. We'll call Perry the Platypus!”
“Huh, I heard they don't do much, those platypuses,” Jacob said. It appeared she had woken up.
Edward grinned. “Actually, they fight crime.”
“And for a reasonable price,” Carlisle added. “And besides, I think it's 'platypi'.”
Edward shook his head. “No, definitely 'platypuses'.”
“Oh, so when were you a biologist?” Carlisle demanded, giving Edward a fearsome glare.
“You wanna go, old nag?”
“Oh, it's on, fairy-boy!” Carlisle and Edward stepped outside to settle their differences.
PART SIXTEEN (Blatant Parody)
“Now, Carlisle, prepare to feel the wrath of my sparkly skin!” Edward shouted after the two had taken their positions on either side of the front yard.
“Psh. Your sparkly skin is no match for my sexiness,” Carlisle retorted.
Edward growled, and shuffled his deck. Carlisle copied him.
Jacob poked her head out the door. “Guys, what are you doing?” she asked, looking at them as if they were insane.
Edward grinned. “I'm about to defeat Carlisle in a children's card game,” he boasted, “And then I will steal all his fangirls!”
“Hah, Edward, you don't even know where I keep my fangirls!” Carlise laughed.
“They're in your basement.”
“How did you know?”
“Because, every time I open the door I hear them squeeing.”
Carlisle cursed. “Damn, I knew I should have gotten the basement sound-proofed.”
“Shut up and duel me.”
Edward and Carlisle each drew their first cards. Edward held his up. “I summon-”
All of a sudden, a loud bang sounded from the house. Edward and Carlisle dropped their cards and rushed inside, fearing the worst. And, sure enough, they opened the door just in time to be trampled by a tsunami of escaped fangirls.
“What has happened? All my fangirls, running away!”
Jacob helped Edward and Carlisle up. She had scratches on her face. “I'm sorry, I tried to keep them contained,” she said.
“What happened?” Carlisle demanded. “I had that basement under the highest security! How could they have escaped? And why would they even want to?”
“Well, you know that new Star Trek movie that came out a while ago?”
Edward and Carlisle nodded. They had.
“Well, they were on Youtube, and they watched some clips from it and...” She paused. “Are you guys sure you want to hear this?”
Carlisle nodded. “Just give me the truth, no matter how painful.”
“Well, alright. It appears that the new Spock was just too much for their feeble fangirl brains to handle. As soon as they saw him, they started squeeing and rushed the door. I tried to hold them back, but their raging fangirl hormones were too powerful for me.” She reached up to fix her hair. “Luckily, I am immune to fangirl syndrome, since I'm actually a male. Oh yeah, that reminds me. Carlisle, do you think you can use your witch doctor magic to change me back? I'm getting tired of carrying these boobs around. They're heavy.”
As Jacob had been recounting the terrifying tale of the fangirls' escape, Edward had walked to the basement and was examining the computer. He saw that Gmail was open, with a link to the evil video that had turned the fangirls against them. It was from an address he wasn't familiar with. “Oh no. Someone sent the fangirls this video.” He muttered, fearful. “That means they know we are nothing without them.” Though it was difficult and terrifying to believe, there was someone out there who wanted to do harm to his sparkly person. And now that they were powerless to stop them... “I have to warn the other vampires.”
PART SEVENTEEN (A Most Horrifying Proposition)
All of the vampires from every corner of the world (excluding Carlisle, who was changing Jacob) were gathered in the Cullens' living room. It was almost like that time when they had all banded together to save Renesme from the head vamps, only this time the danger was to all of them. Even vampires who didn't worship Stephanie Meyer had attended. Edward stood in the middle of the group, hands clasped behind his back. “Welcome, fellow vampires,” he said. “Now, I know the messages I sent you were very cryptic. That was necessary. We are all in great danger.”
He watched as the other vampires jumped in their seats, and then continued. “Earlier today, our fangirls fled. I suspect many of you have had the same problem.” Acknowledging nods from the assembled vampires. So, his suspicions were correct. “I have reason to believe that trickery is involved. Upon examining the basement, I noticed someone had emailed them a link to a promotional video of that Star Trek movie. You know the one. The fangirls watched it, and soon stampeded. Our werewolf tried to stop them, but, in his own words, he was no match for their raging fangirl hormones.” The vampires' eyes widened in fear. Edward suspected none of them had bothered to investigate the reason behind their fangirls' flight. Things like this had happened before. Why, Carlisle's own fangirls had used to pledge their loyalty to the Pirates of the Caribbean fanbase.
Dracula raised his hand. “So, what do you propose we do? Obviously, this person wishes us to be powerless. Our fangirls will not be so easy to reclaim.”
“Yeah,” this was another vampire, probably one of the Alucards. “How are we supposed to get them back? I was barely holding on to them as it was.”
“Oh, I think it's obvious,” Nosferatu whispered.
“No! You can't mean-”
“Yes. Fanservice.”
The assembled crowd let out a gasp. Fanservice was something the lowlier sorts had to resort to. A vampire had never had to sink so low.
“But, how?” asked another Alucard. “We've never had to resort to that before. How many of us actually know how to execute fanservice?”
Edward stood on the table. “We need to contact the masters of fanservice. The Ouran High School Host Club.”
