A naruto fanfic

[kamika3]

Okay hopefully i've gotten better at this. if not please explain problems

The sun awoke. This sun was different. This sun was the brightest sun in days.
sakura awoke from her bed yawning. she looked out her window.

"This must be the day, the day that Naruto comes back" said sakura.

Sakura quickly dressed into a red sleeveless shirt, black shorts with a pink cut skirt ontop, and long boots made for speacial ninjas.

As Sakura walked out the door she saw hinata.

"Hey hinata i think today's the day-" Hinata interrupted

"The day he comes back?" said Hinata.

"Yeah..." said Sakura.

As soon as they finished their conversation Konohamaru ran past them.

"Hey Konohamaru. What's the rush?" said Sakura.

"Well, NARUTO IS BACK HE'S AT THE FRONT GATE!!!" Konohamaru yelled.

"What?" both girls said.

"Well c'mon let's go!" said Konohamru.

"Yeah!" they said while they all ran off.

As they reached the gate sakura saw yellow hair.

"NARUTO!!" they all yelled.

"Huh?" Naruto turned his head to face Hinata, Sakura, and Konohamaru stampeding towards him.

"Huh, eh? Wait you guys slow down! You're going smas me!" said naruto.

"We missed you a lot naruto!" said Sakura

"Yeah Naruto-kun!" said Hinata.

"Hey Hinata I Like your hair-do with those chopsticks in your hair!" said naruto.

"Thanks though i gew it out! take a look" said Hinata

Hinata's hair fell to her waist.

"Wow [KAWAII .. pervert] your hair is so pretty!

"And Sakura you are so Mature!" said Naruto.

"Remember I was taller than you!" said Sakura.

to be continued

[acute encephalitis]

Correct capitalization, pleases.

Quote:

This sun was different. This sun was the brightest sun in days.

Try combining those sentences.

Quote:

"This must be the day, the day that Naruto comes back" said sakura.

Punctuation after 'back'?

Quote:

"Huh, eh? Wait you guys slow down! You're going smas me!" said naruto.

Did you mean 'smash'?

Quote:

"Wow [KAWAII .. pervert] your hair is so pretty!

Please don't insert the '[Kawaii .. pervert]' in there. Aslo, closing quotation marks, please.

Quote:

"Well c'mon let's go!" said Konohamru.

-Comma after 'well'.
-Comma after 'c'mon'.
-Konohamaru spelt wrong.

Quote:

"Hey Hinata I Like your hair-do with those chopsticks in your hair!" said naruto.

-Comma after 'hey' and 'Hinata'.

Quote:

"And Sakura you are so Mature!" said Naruto.

M in 'mature' lowercase, not upper.


Last advice? Add more detail and don't explain something/someone right way. Explain it through action or dialogue. Also, a bit less dialogue.

[PadawanCyn]

I don't know what to say, except that this is not how 16 year-olds talk. Try to put some more thought into your dialogues. Also, where's the plot? Nothing actually happened here...

Despite it's shortness, there were loads of spelling and grammatical mistakes. Mind your capitalization, punctuation and try to make sentences more complex than a subject-verb-object formula. Tip: read your text aloud and see if it sounds like something you'd normally say. You'll see what I'm talking about right away.

It needs a lot of work. Try maybe getting a beta-reader, or someone you trust to help you go over these things in detail? Might be more helpful to you than this kind of generic review.

Good luck!

[milila]

since CommanderShipper Kaida took care of the grammar, I guess I will give some constructive criticism. I am going to try not to say anything that hasn't already been said.

Don't be afraid to expand on actions, or the characters thought. Tell us how Sakura feels as she sees Naruto for example. Your fanfic just seems to be stating events rather then actually telling us a story. When describing Sakura's outfit, try to make the description flow better.

when writing dialog describe how a characters says something. Much of your dialog seems to be "he said" or "she said". Don't use random Japanese phrases or words, like "Kawaii". I am going to try to squash this before it gets any worse. It does not make your story any better, in fact it is probably a quick way to lose some people.

good luck and try to improve in the future.

[kamika3]

thankies for the helpies everyone!!! i like critics cuz they tell me stuff that i can do to fix my problemos

[Pupppz]

Nice fanfic biggrin

[Chlerys]

Pupppz

Nice fanfic biggrin

*headdesk*

[kitty_cats33]

BUMP