Gender: Female
Birthday: 12/26/1991
70 
| Code: |
| REMOVE THE CREDIT BELOW AND COOLPRESETS WILL BAN YOU! |
“I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the ******** would make their plants hard to reach?! I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they invent a product before you shrivel and die. And they said, you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to see a product that was available for three easy payments, and one ********' complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a b***h: the mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamps will be in the wrong denomination... Good luck f*cker! The last payment must be made in wompum!” Mitch Hedberg
“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D."'” Mitch Hedberg
“Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.” Mitch Hedberg
“I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.” Mitch Hedberg
“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.” Mitch Hedberg
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” Jack Handey
“If you can't convince them, confuse them.” Harry S Truman
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.” Emo Philips
Yay! Nis peepl!!
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