I've been feeling really good since he's been back. I honestly missed him a lot, I feel like everything is better now. I believe we ended up getting really comfortable with each other and we weren't happy because we got use to each other too much. That's what my mum says, or well thinks. I could believe it though, we'd fight constantly. We're moving forward though, and together; that's what matters to me the most.
I noticed I'd listen to a lot of country while he was gone, it's not that I like it but, country music would have the perfect songs for the pain I was feeling. They'd make everything feel numb to, though I've got to admit.. It doesn't bring this rush of relief I feel when I listen to modern rock/ alternative. Is that weird? To get these feelings that will come over you just by listening to a certain song.. I don't think so but, I could be wrong. Music help me get through a lot, I remember I'd play songs over and over again because, I wanted to feel something other then being in pain.
I drank a lot of alcohol, and smoked a lot of 'the herb' while he was gone too. I'd drink a lot until I got tired, until I'd lose myself just so I could forget, and sleep. I'd smoke way more then I'd normally do, everyday I had to have two blunts or go to Jon boys house so, I could hit his bong a few times. Me, and Jon boy would talk a lot, he'd help me vent but, I also hated being there because it reminded me of his Jon. He was with another guy at the time, and I knew it. Even though they were friends, he was venting to someone other then me. Someone was helping him but, me because I couldn't help him. I'd be depress a lot of the time, couldn't eat, or sleep. I didn't want to, I remember I wouldn't eat for a whole day but, as soon as I got done smoking and had the munchies.. I'd eat until I ended up feeling sick and sometimes throw up. I remember I didn't eat for three days, and I threw up but it was just this gross yellow fluid.
I wanted to cut too but, I promised you even after everything I wanted to hold on to our promises. I've been 'self harm sober' for 2 - 3 months. I remember you telling me that it hurt you when I'd hurt myself. I'd always tell you when I'd do it to because, I couldn't lie to you. I wanted to hold on to everything, I remember telling Daniel about how I saved all our messages because I couldn't let go of that just yet. I didn't want too, they meant too much to me. I'd re-read all of our messages, and I'd dwell on the last time that you had told me you loved me until I ended up crying my eyes out. I'd surround myself with my friends because, I didn't want to be alone. When I'm alone, I think, and when I think I get depressed but you know this already. You'd stay up with me, or wake up when I needed you the most, and I've got to admit out of everything those memories, and those times meant the most to me.
I also told myself that I meant nothing to you, you were over me, and so badly did I want to hate you. I told myself, my friends that I hated you, you were gone and there was nothing I could do but move on.. I'd only lie to them, and myself because I felt like if I kept on lying to myself I'd eventually believe it but, I didn't. I couldn't, I don't think I ever could really hate you. I'd dream about you a lot too, in my dreams we'd actually be together again, and this time we were happier then ever. Or, I'd see you with someone else, and that really upset me. I remember waking up, and I'd go take a shower just so I could cry/think for a good 30 - 45 minutes. I'd always come back out 'fine'.
I'll always love you, I'll always care for you, I'll always want you. You mean everything to me, you are my everything. You're the first thought in the morning to my last at night. I'm so very happy you're back in my arms again, I was literally going mad without you. I NEED you more then anyone in the whole entire world. I've told you so many times before, that I don't know what I'd do with out you, and I meant it. I was a wreck without you just barely getting by, I'm not with you just for my sake but for yours as well. For our love, for us, for our happiness, for everything we mean to each other. I don't give a flying flippin' ******** about what others say, I am madly, truly in love with you and you only. It's about us baby, no one else because no one else matters. I deserve you just as much as you deserve me. We deserve to be together, and I am proud to call you mine, and for me to be yours. I don't care if it's us against the world, we will always find away to make it out alright in the end, and for everything to be okay. We have a love so true, that I am sure most people would hate us for it. As long as I got you, and we're together we'll be just fine. Trust me baby boy, we got this. <3
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