I don't think I'm meant to have what I want. I still want it, I just don't think it's meant to be is all. There's a lot of signs in my life telling me that I'm supposed to just watch everything from behind a metaphorical glass window. I'm supposed to just watch everyone around me getting to have the life I'd hoped for and just grin and be happy for them. I scroll through Facebook and it's a constant stream of weddings, anniversaries and modern childhoods... and I just heart the posts or comment things like "Congrats! smile " and "OMG ADORABLE!!". I talk to friends and family and quickly realize that any fandom based news I have is nothing compared to weddings, birthdays and graduations. I speak to one of my BFFs from SA just to hear her (born a him though) talk about finding yet another guy and she is completely unaware that I ever had feelings for her because I just can't tell her. I hang out with my one real Gaia friend and he likes me alot but having lost his wife of more than seven years (more than us), he doesn't know when or if he'll ever be ready to date again and we have been talking regularly now for a few years although I've known him since before you left.
I just went to Hooper's for the first time and took Cain with me... and I posted the photos of our trip in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre fan groups... only to see a bunch of guys go up there in the following weeks, at different times, with their girlfriends... When I already had to be a bit of a third wheel to my mom and stepdad and had to be just myself and little Cain... and the only men biting are men I don't really like... One I don't have anything in common with, two actually got to date me and found some way to hurt me/be assholes so I called it off and another one was just being a sexual creep...
And every day that goes by, I can't help thinking that I would never have been in this hell if I hadn't messed up ten years ago and made you leave... ._. And the knowledge that there is now nothing at all I can ever do to fix it... doesn't help. I can't just go running back to you because you've found someone else... and I have no one else to run to, to chase away my fears and light me up again. Myself... Self love... It's great but... it's not enough. There's only so much that taking care of myself and indulging in the things I enjoy can do for me. I miss being held and rocked... I miss corny puns... I miss laughing with someone... I miss the general feeling of protection... I miss having someone understand me completely... and no one will be able to replace my memories of growing up with you... I'm convinced that I was meant to live my life with you but because that didn't go to plan, now I'm going to be alone... Don't get me wrong, that won't stop me from looking for someone new. But it just feels like it so much. I still wake up facing the empty side of the bed nearly every day, as if you had been sleeping beside me all night. And when I open my eyes, I have this odd feeling that you're still there only to fully open them and see that you're not. Sometimes too, I dream about you and it feels so real- I can touch you, hear you, see you, smell you... and you always hug me tight now and tell me that you hope I can find happiness again with someone else with sadness in your face and voice. But the awful part is that I never want to let you go in those dreams. I don't disagree with your words but I usually just can't bring myself to leave the hug- you usually have to gently push me away and as soon as you do, you fade away... and then I wake up feeling like you're beside me. Every time.
But enough about that, I know that that's just you letting me know that you aren't coming back. My problem is less that and more that I just wish I wasn't in the predicament I'm in now. I've felt like I was being hunted and attacked by wolves since the day you left. I'm tired of fighting them off after ten years. Heck, I was tired of fighting them off after only ONE year. Do I wish I could have just stayed with you and dodged all of this? Yes. But we didn't stick together obviously and am I aware you aren't coming back? Also yes. Is that okay? Yeah, I mean I just have to force myself to be fine with it because I have no say-so, no control. Nor do I have any real control over my own love life. I can't just [POOF!] the perfect guy for me into my life. I only get to see what bites and what's biting is unfortunately so far from what I miss having. sad
I am getting to the point that being happy for everyone else is becoming harder to show... I want to be happy for them but... it's so difficult when my heart feels like it's breaking all over again every time I see them posting statuses that I often wish I could be posting... I don't know if you've heard of the anime, "Life Lessons With Uramichi Oniisan" but I think I'm going down the same emotional and mental route as Utano Tadano. Except for the fact that she has an abusive/toxic boyfriend in the series, she does and says a lot of the same things that I do now... In that image actually, she was scrolling a social media app, looking at her friends' wedding statuses, wishing she could just feel joy and happiness for them still. ._. I almost cried the first time she was shown doing this... and I cried nearly every time she broke down throughout the anime in regards to not having the right soulmate to marry. She's 32 years old in the series, I think. Not much older than I am.
This might seem off topic but... my mom is always pointing out to me now how lucky I am because my Reborns aren't alive and don't behave like real babies. She's not wrong. But... I feel it might also be an attempt by her to help ease the pain I have from not having a real family of my own. I love my boys... but sometimes I look at them and think to myself that this is probably as close as I'm going to get to what I had wanted with my adult life. And that both makes me feel glad and heartbroken at the same time. Heartbroken because when I pictured myself being a mom as an adult when I was a kid, I never pictured dolls. I pictured myself, a house, a husband and a real child. But there is a feeling of gladness too when I think about how my autism and anxiety often require me to behave and how most real children kick, scream, cry, soil themselves, etc... My need to be alone to recharge or to solve an attack... those times would just not be conducive, especially if the kid is doing any of those behaviors that might require my immediate attention. So it's kind of a blessing that I just have cute dolls instead. But still... even highlighting the positives for myself feels like I'm just trying to put a bandaid on a gaping wound in my heart... ._.
This really isn't fair. This isn't fair at all. I'm just meant to stand here and watch everyone else go on past me, unable to join in. There's a metaphorical glass wall between me and what I wanted...
