Until Death Do Us Part
“I do. Do you?”
written by my friend @theholymarilag


You picture yourself in front of a church. You are standing there with a long white gown that is especially fit for you, designed with the prettiest gems a man can ever see in this world. Walking as fabulously as a princess to be crowned as a queen, you slowly approach your king who is standing there clothed with a suit made out of the finest silk. As you enter the door, you can see that everyone’s attention is directed to you. In the background, you hear a melody that soothes the nervousness in your soul. All your relatives and your friends gathered to see one of the most important events that will ever happen in your life. After walking halfway down the aisle, you see him smiling at you; you can clearly see the aura of happiness filling the atmosphere around you.

When you reached the front dais, he stretched his hand to reach you. You then stretched your hand to grab his. Slowly drifting towards each other… Then BANG! He was shot. Pierced through his body is a bullet. You tried to clasp his hand but it was too late. He fell down the floor. Red marks start to surround his suit. His scarlet blood drips down slowly to the red carpet. Everyone in the church is shocked – some stood, some covered their eyes, some screamed.

While looking at his corpse, you feel the tears slowly dripping down your face. His mother who immediately went to him shook his body as if to wake him up. His father, trying to stop his mother, also starts crying with his sister. You’re just there. Not knowing what to do, you ran out of the church hoping that you will still see the gunman but out the church, you see nothing but with light.

What cruelty does world hold to stop two people from loving each other? Shouldn’t be weddings end up with a happy ending or should they really ruin one’s life? In a white-veil occasion, is something like this supposed to happen? I am the bride and my groom died. It was the time forever turned to never. Here I cry in dement in a room full of rose petals, smelling the scent of the aromatic incense while drinking the champagne of lament. I am mourning for a death that my supposed husband doesn’t deserve. I still remember what happened before sadness and grief entered our world.

I still remember the time when love was the only option. Wait, it’s not an option – it’s a choice. It was our choice. It all just come like echoes in my mind, repeating every word said to each other. It all just come like flashbacks. Reminiscing back our own personal collection of memories; like how you remember events when you flip pages in an old album. It was you and me until I remember that starting from now, it’ll be without you and just me.

As I look at the wall, I see your face. I try to read book, I still see his face. I cover my eyes, it’s still his face. In everything I do, I see his face. His sweet disposition is slowly killing me inside. I still remember everything… oh, everything! How I miss him already, I would do everything to see him again. I would do everything just to hold his hand again, hug him again, kiss him again; I would do everything for it to happen all over again! O heavens, let this pain end. O heaven, make my suffering gone. Why must I live through a world where I am alone in a dark room in space without anything?

I grabbed a knife. I looked at it and it was sharp as new. I cleaned it gently running my fingers through the blade without knowing that my skin is already cut. The crystal clear water flowing in the sink is slowly turning to pale red then to red yet I still can’t feel anything but the pain of not having him by my side to prevent me from doing this. He’s not here to get the knife away from me and lift me bare hands to cure it. Where is the man who is supposed to comfort me in pain? Where!? He’s nowhere but in the hospital laying in his death bed while his body is fully covered with a blanket.

Why, o why? I am expected to be there crying before him yet here I am trying to escape the chains of grief and sadness. Now with this chain, I shall cut my skin. I shall cut it slowly ‘til death will come and get my soul. I want to see him again. I want to see him again. Let the reaper with the scythe get my pitiful soul and I shall go with him without a single complain. If this is the only way then I shall do it. Call me desperate, call me dumb, call me whatever you want for sooner or later I won’t hear ‘em anymore.

Dirge fills my ear, elegy permeates the atmosphere. I started to cut my skin. First slice, no blood. Second slice, still no blood. Third slice, drops blood started to show. I observed it closely. It appeared like berries away from a tree, it appeared like I wouldn’t be get you close to me. I felt nothing from the cuts, all I can feel is the pain of being away from you. No pain can be compared with this but death and only death. I continued cutting my skin. I continued cutting until I reached the point where I am already near my wrist. Blood, blood, blood, and even more blood but still no pain from it. No sign of that flawless and smooth and white skin. All you can see is sliced and slashed and red skin. I start to feel my lungs contracting. I start to feel like air is starting to get thin. I start to see… no. I can’t see anything now but void. I still have the energy to have my last cut. One last cut and I’ll make sure I’ll slice one of my arteries. Yes. I did it.

Will the world remember me? I don’t care. Am I still going to live? I don’t know. Am I dead? I could hope so. I’ll see you now my dear. We’ll meet again. We’ll love again. We’ll be together again. Now, I’ll grab your hand and now, I’ll say “Yes”.


Memento Mori
"I do, but where did you go?"
written by me


Picture yourself inside a church. Standing on the isle with velvet carpet laying on it. You watch as your beautiful bride slowly walks toward you; the smile on your bride's beautiful face and her gorgeous white gown fades into view. She walked as if she had owned the place. You feel an aura of grace and fabulousness from her. You can hear the sound of the piano, playing a tune you have always heard. You don't prefer the tune, but for some reason, it felt magical. Both of your relatives quietly and intently watch the event unfold.

Both of you reached the front dais. You stretched out your hand, waiting for your bride to take it.

BANG!

You fell to the floor. Your ears are ringing. Your vision is blurred. Everything felt so light. You felt your bride's embrace, her tears were soaking your silk suit. Thoughts came in like a raging flood. Memories flashed like a movie on fast forward. Your vision darkened even more. A tear fell down from your eye. You felt calm in the midst of chaos. Everything became silent, and darkness finally came.

Is this Hell? Is the world really this cruel? Do happy endings really happen? I ponder about this as I laid still. I was lucky that I didn't die, but did my love knew about this? I can't imagine her in deep despair, crying just because of me. I want to die, but at the same time I don't. I want to rest indefinitely, but I don't want her sad.

I remembered when I was with her. I loved her. I chose to love her. Despite the ups and downs, we chose to carry on. Despite this empty void, I can still remember her. I remembered her smile, her voice, her actions, her interests, her fears, her everything. If only I knew, then I could have told her my last "I love you."

I'm not even sure how long it will take before I wake up, or how long until they decide to give up on me. I felt even more guilty as time passes. Sometimes, I wonder if she's still alright. In the back of my mind, I wish she had moved on and forgotten about me.

I felt completely hopeless. I couldn't move my body, and my only companions were my own thoughts. I wanted everything to end. The silence is deafening. The darkness is blinding me. I could hear them, but they can't hear me. I could now hear the sound of the IV.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP...

My senses finally worked. I could feel my own breathing.

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale...

Maybe I'm waking up? Oh God, why did You not kill me?

Maybe this are my last moments? I "wake up" then finally die after a few hours? Maybe this was an opportunity to fix everything. Maybe this is so that I can tell her how much I love her. Or maybe the world is just teasing me.

My eyes shot open. Light flooded my vision for a while, then my eyes adjusted, revealing the stark white ceiling.

I have woken up. My heart raced, and so did the IV. I hastily looked for the buzzer on the hospital bed. My hands felt the button. I grasped it for a few seconds, contemplating on whether to press it or not. Finally, I pushed it.

After a few seconds, a couple of nurses rushed into the room. They did a couple of tests on me. They somewhat interrogated me, asking me if I was "alright".

I was annoyed. I don't want to be bombarded with questions. I just wanted to see her. The nurses noticed this, so they decided to check up on me later. I reached for my phone as it laid on the table beside the bed. I instantly called her the moment I laid hands on it.

It kept ringing, but there was no answer. I kept calling, but there was no answer. Her work starts at nine. It was 7; she couldn't have left for work yet.

Where is she? Is she alright? What is happening? Why isn't she answering her calls?

I get more worried every call. My hands started to shake. No, this couldn't be happening. This couldn't be happening. I know she's a strong woman. She can't do this. No, no, no, nonononono...

Everything is going to be fine, right?

She's fine, right? She could have just left really early, right? She could be still sleeping, right? She might have slept over in one of her friend's houses, right?

The final ring echoed inside the almost empty room. I sat there, completely silent. My hands suddenly stopped shaking. The only sound left in the room was my own breathing.

For the second time I wonder to myself, am I in Hell? Not only was I taken away from my love, but even life is taking her away from me. Will this ever end? Oh, how I wish it already did. If she had ended her life just because of me, it would be dumb not to do the same. Oh, how I wish all of this never happened.

Tears formed in my eyes. My teeth were clenched, and my body was tense. I wanted to break down, shout, and cry all at the same time. This is dragging on for too long. I wanted everything to be better again. If only I did this, if only I did that. All of these intentions, but my motions are restricted, and I am forced to stay in this maddening white room.

The 'beeps' from the IV got quicker and more frequent. My heart is pounding. I wanted to go back. I wanted to go back and rest. This is tiring. I wanted to go back into the void of my own thoughts. I wanted things to stop for a second. Instead, more thoughts came in.

Panic. I was panicking. The 'beeps' from the IV became even quicker. My breathing became shallow. I felt like drowning. More worried thoughts entered my mind, obscuring my reasoning. I curled up into a ball and cried. I cried and cried. I can't take this anymore.