|
Entry from my Real Life journal |
|
|
|
|
|
|
~: heart :~ May 17, 2006. Day of the awards assembly. whoo. As I slip, or rather slump, angrily into my chair, slamming my music book on the table and kick my bag under my chair, Tomi greets me happily. I make a miniscule effort to smile and shrug. Soon J-kun and Sama-san join the table, shortly followed by Chan-sama. All point hte obvious indications that I'm a little off and not feeling well today. Samma, J-kun and I all get lunch early. After we sit down Ma-chan and Dono-Sempai join. Dan sits at a table near by, as per usual. Dono-kun sits at yet another table. Most of lunch hour drags on, slowly, painfully and angrily. Everyone is in a foul mood. Till Dono-Sempai, I believe, convinces Dono-kun to cheer us, or at least Ma-chan, up. He and Dan tell joeks, making us all laugh, one by one. As Maggie smiles, Lindsey laughs, Rachel puts her book down, Tomi chuckles and Stacy merely watches us all, smiling brightly as always. Slowly as the table grows happier, I do as well. As I smile I feel that refreshing bubble surround me. This protective aura that shields us from the rest of the world, blocking out bad felings and locking in the good. We're all smiling and laughing and having a good time. We've left reality behind and hidden inside our bubble, enjoying our own little world. I'm happy once again. It's almost as if I'm out in the rain, playing in my own world. I'm higher than the sky, soaring above the clouds. But even as I laugh at Devon, my smile fades, if only slightly so, as I realize that eventually it will end. And end it does.
The bell rings, ripping a hole in our bubble and popping it loudly. Depression and frustration sink back in, worse than before and I'm left to wade through the sorrow and anger of my life on my own once again. Sometimes I refuse to let the bad get me down and I hold strong and I trudge through it like absolutely nothing's wrong. But other days, I feel as if I'm trying to swim in jello or pudding with a broken leg. Those are the times I wish I would just drown and end all the pain...Today is one of those days...But it's also one of the good days at the same time...I wish I would just die already, and yet I still refuse to let it pull me down. I feel like I'm drowing, my lungs filled with black think pudding-water that is my sins, my anger, my negative side. And even as I feel myself sinking under the tide, inhaling another lungful, I struggle to get my head above the surface. I fight to stay sane, alive and myself.
But how long can I hold on? How long until I lose it? How long until I give up?
NO! I refuse, I refuse, I REFUSE to give in! I will prevail. I will win this war.
But how long will that last? What happens when I don't want to fight the tide anymore? What if I have nothing left to hang on to?
We have Chris. Hang tight to him.
But what if--
and devon and maggie and stacy and lindsey and johnathan and thom and mother and all your other family and friend.
But your right. My grip is on Chris already. Some time ago Maggie and Rachels' grips on me were lost and I floated onmy own for what seemed like forever. Then out of the blue, Chris came along and scooped me up and handed me back to Maggie and Rachel. They held tight to me, but I let go. I wanted to drown. I wanted to be eaten alive by my own self pity. Once again, Chris came along and grabbed me, holding my head above the evil lake. But every time I leave his company, his grip on me slips and I fall further away in the water. One day I'll be too far away to reach. Or maybe he just won't come for me. Be it because he can't, or won't, or doesn't realize he's lost me. And I'll continue to drift on my own until I drown or get eaten by something......
I don't even know why we bother arguing with you when you're like this.....I never get anywhere...I give up...C'mon....Lets go.
See. That's exactly my point. You give up before the fight even begins. And to think our lives may just depend on you.
I won't give up. I will momentarily retreat to rethink my strategy. Then try again. I will not give up. I will stand tall and strong for what I believe and that is that.
~: heart :~
blu_sour_skittle · Tue May 23, 2006 @ 02:50am · 2 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|