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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
illusory, or not, stalemate
I saw him yesterday while running, I think. The glint off of his glasses and the fact that he wore the same outfit that he had on when he sent me the videos of him was kinda a dead giveaway. I didn't look directly at him though, you know, there's just so much that I can't say to him. I can't tell him all the feelings I have for him because it's immoral to do so when I'm with someone. It was wonderful half seeing him though. I thought about it the rest of my run, thinking perhaps he will appear again, biking if not running a second time in the same direction. I admit, besides the fact that it was a great path to run because of the lack of city traffic, I also knew that this was a path that I was likely to catch him on because it's so extended and there's only one paved path directly from his apartment to that road. Particularly, the fact that we once ran together to the beginning of this path before he ran out of steam (he was beginning to run again) that I knew which path he was most likely to take). Anyway, I kept my head down, he perhaps would've recognized me by my body type because, although it was a day in the 50's I was running fast enough to stay warm with a tank top and shorts. I don't know, I could have blindsided him with my hair since it's so drastically different. I kinda half wish that all the black dye wasn't burned out of my hair by the need to straighten it (probably not the best option, but all that I could afford right now. I'm very happy, you can probably tell. Best of all, I can do that without arousing any suspicion to any ulterior motives because I already used a similar path to get to the main running path before taking the other route with him. He was running back rather late compared to the time that I expect him to leave from his apartment. I would've expected him to be done by the time that I left for my workout, but it looks like, much like I'm lifting weights, he is running long distances. From my peripheral vision, it didn't look like he was taking it hard. On the other hand, how many people run with glasses? I'm pretty blind (as in I need to sit in the front row to see the board at all and I need to sit in the middle because even then I might not see what is being written on the opposite side of the board) but I can run without glasses and enjoy myself just as much, I also know that he didn't run with glasses last time, so it was a peculiar choice and I'm curious whether it was because he was trying to find someone. Perhaps, it could also be that he wears contacts usually and has lost them or is getting them replaced. I wouldn't venture to guess or conclusively decide that it's one way or another, but I'm really happy that I saw him. I hope he saw whatever difference I made on my body from about 2-3 weeks worth of lifting even though I know it's not much past a few extra defining lines, larger biceps, and a shapelier waist. I don't know, I'm sending out a message and I hope he's getting it loud and clear, that he was someone very important to me. Then there's the thought that the person that I encountered may have been shorter than I remember him, but after running for a long time, my back also becomes hunched and tired. Whatever it really was, I am happy that it happened or that I think it happened. I don't really care if it's a sign of moving on, I can live with that. I'm content with the memories he gave me. I haven't decided whether I'd be ok seeing him around with his girlfriend, but I think even if I'm disappointed, I'd pull through because I'll remember the moral framework that landed us in the position we are now. It's a very comfortable way to remember everything without stepping over any boundaries. I wouldn't mind letting things fade like that, if they would fade anyway. He was a very unusual person to fall in love with and I have rational reasons for being in love. I really don't hate a single aspect of him because I think we're on the same page. Of course, this stalemate game of chess could be a delusion, but I'm happy to foster it because I have clues that the way I see things could be the way that things are. The way he told me that he knows that I still respect him in the last few messages was rather out of character for someone that was supposed to be hurt and sounds more like a calculated response to make things easier. If he's thinking about things the way I think he is, then perhaps I do.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
  • [07/29/14 05:29am]
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