Thank you for leaving me.
That sounds so strange, so very much of place and awkward, but I mean it. Thank you for leaving me. And on the day that you did. The Friday that you left me was the worst day of my life, but it was also the very best night.
If you hadn't left, then I wouldn't have texted Kyle telling him that I absolutely needed him, right then.
If I hadn't texted Kyle saying that I absolutely needed him, he never would have come and picked me up.
If he hadn't picked me up, he never would have brought me to MKG in an attempt to cheer me up.
If he hadn't brought me to MKG to cheer me up, I never would have become a part of the most fantastic group of people alive.
If I had never become a part of the most fantastic group of people alive, I would still be utterly miserable.
This is fate. It has to be. To have you leave me on the very day that they decided last minute to hold MKG is just...it's too perfect. Kyle never would have brought me along had I not desperately needed him that night. I think, to some extent, he was afraid of what would happen if he left me alone. To be honest, so am I.
You know that old analogy I used to use, back in 2011? The whole 'resetting the bone' thing that you despised so much? It held true for me this time.
I needed to be broken again. I needed to have my entire world shatter around me before I could ever hope to get better.
And, you know...I am better. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm better. I'm smiling a lot more now. I don't think of you so much anymore. And.....I think maybe I'm starting to move on.
I'm not sure, honestly. It feels like it. Kyle and Sarah are telling me that it's a crush. But, I guess it's just been so long, I wouldn't remember what it feels like.
Because, honestly, I think the love I held for you and Kyle was the same love. Two sides of the same coin.
I don't know. I've been doing a lot of thinking about it lately, but that's all I've got.
I guess I'm just tired of waiting for you to come back. It isn't going to happen; sitting around and praying for some change won't make it better. It was so stupid of me to think that you drunkenly speaking about me meant something. But, even that, is all just part of the cause. Because it allowed me see that there is no point holding on.
Or....rather, it showed me that there wasn't anything left to hold onto you.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I said my goodbye. I guess I just....maybe if, one day, you decide that maybe you'll check up on my old account, you'll see this. For all I know, you're still subscribed to the journal. I know you read the others, but that was before you unfriended me.
If you ever do read this, I guess I just want you to know that I'm....I'm doing alright. I still miss you, but not in the same sense. It's like how it was with Eric, all those years ago; it only hurts when I rip open the wounds.
And I truly, sincerely hope that you are doing just as well as you told me you were in November.
Oh, and one more big thank you:
Thank you for the time you spent with me. Thank you for spending that summer with me, for getting online every night to IM me. Thank you for introducing me to Alex, who in turn introduced me to Kyle. Thank you all the times you held me while I cried into your shoulder. Thank you for being the best friend that I needed, and thank you for loving me. Thank you for showing me that life isn't just black and white, and that a person like me can love and be loved, too.
But, still, most importantly...
Thank you for leaving.
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