Mr.. I'm supposed to be writing a Practice Exam, but I really don't want to.. So I'm just kind of sitting here on the computer, staring at the screen and thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. You know, my thoughts just sort of hovering from thing to thing, not really in depth on anything beacause in all honesty, I really don't care. I am cold, though. I -HATE- being cold when I'm indoors.
We're humans, we rule the earth, and with all our fancy technology-bullshit you'd think we could keep the temperature inside a school to at least a COMFORTABLE level. Seriously.
...I HATE being cold. D<
I find it funny in a sad way, the way I respond to being upset. It takes the most raw, pure depression to make me act the way the emotion implies. I express a large chunk of happiness through complaining offhandedly and being energetic, loud. But still bitching about all the little bad things I can find. Maybe because I know bitching about it then won't destroy my mood..?
When I'm sorry, when I know I've done wrong.. I apologize, apologize, then turn on myself. Either I whimper my own lack of worth, or I get angry at my own mistakes. At my failures, and this anger sparks and smoulders. Then my anger makes me bitter, shreds my mood and usually upsets the person I happen to be with. And then I see that they are upset. Why did I have to say what I said? The fire flares out of frustration with myself, and then the hate comes. The fire, the all-consuming rage at the part of me I Hate, and the part that I blame for everything. It turns into a brutal downward spiral of hate, twisting me around because I am not only the cause, but the fuel as well. And I don't know how to stop it.
I don't know how to get rid of this terrible anger aimed at myself, and even this frustrates me.
If I could instantly master something about myself, these sessions of hate would be it. Without a doubt, it is what's killing me. The part I can't live with.
When I'm sad, I usually express it through being angry or aggressive. Nervousness is through panic that shows through hesitation and fierce defensiveness. I feel vulnerable, so I raise my sheild and run, refusing to accept the challenge before me..
Until recently, that is. He has certainly changed my view on things...
On the things I can do, on my abilities. My confidence has gone up so much because of Him, because He's slowly taught me - whether He realizes it or not - That if I truly try, I -CAN-. There is a lot more thought before I claim I can't by deciding I won't, and that thought allows for consideration and evaluation of the challenge before me.
Is this what all these tests have been? Even if not the focus, it has been a lesson learned. This independance I've craved, and the fear of myself.. This terror of the unexperienced is fading, the fear of getting it wrong. Eventually I will stand tall and proud, and I will have overcome these foolish ghouls that hover over ever thought that flutters through my mind. I will stand on my own feet and without a pitiful form of shelter over my head to hide behind, and will take His hand and walk with Him. Like an angel, He is. The mortal savior, guiding me in my own personal struggles, me who is meaningless to the greater picture of life.
And when I learn to walk, I shall dance. Dance at the simplicity, the complexity, at everythign and anything.
This torture, these torments, what have they done?
Through force, they have taught me. Taught me things I failed to learn on my own. And I appreciate it. Fate, faith. Of my own definition.
I define my beliefs, I'll judge what is right and what is wrong to me.
After all of this, how can I not believe in these things? How can I not believe in future and Fate, in past, present, balance, and faith?
♥
Whispers of Malice Community Member 
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