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Oh my Goddess... School. >.< |
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Well ********, it's that time again. Excuse the language, but I'm not entirely looking forward to having to wake up at five in the morning. I've rather gotten used to waking up after two in the afternoon, actually. Not a particularly healthy habit, perhaps, but a normal one. Oh, and here's the kicker--I'm going to be a Senior. Can you imagine that? Me, about to graduate High School. I didn't think I was going to make it this far without a psychotic episode of some kind. (Well, ok, so I had a minor mental breakdown a few days ago, but I managed to pull myself together... somewhat...)
The sad thing is... I really, really don't want to graduate. (Although, this won't really be an issue if I don't finish this damn internet class to get my PE creds, but that's beside the point.) I'm kinda having a problem imagining myself loose in the world. I will be at college shortly after, assuming I get accepted anywhere, but... I'll be an adult. I'll be out of my parent's house (something I've been dreaming about for years, but now that the prospect is actually here, it's actually kind of scary), I'll have to make my own money, take care of myself... I wonder, are we ever really ready to be let loose like this? It occurs to me that we probably won't be ready to be adults until we're about forty--that would explain why young adults screw up so much. Some people gradually ween themselves off of parental dependency, or get weened, but some people (*cough*like me*cough*) get coddled by one parent or the other until the last minute. This would perhaps explain why I'm so anxious about being cut off; it really is frightening, trying to imagine myself on my own, without parents to turn to for money or metaphorical bail. Or maybe it's just me?
I know that there are some people who are ready to leave the house practically the day they're born. (An exaggeration, perhaps, but you get the point.) There are probably some people who would call me crazy for dreading the coming Senior year and graduation like I do, although most who would are too young to understand how I feel. Hell, Juniors this year are too young to understand--you really don't get it, until it's looming over you like it is now for me, three days away... I feel like I've got three minutes to get ready for my 'coming out into life' party, and I'm just barely getting out of bed. Ok, so my euphemisms are horrible, bare with me, this is a crisis after all.
Of course, there is another reason why I don't want to graduate, something more people will be able to identify with--friends. Last year, when I was a Junior, I had a whole group of friends who were Seniors, and I don't think school will be the same with them gone. This year, it's going to be me who's doing the leaving, not only of my Senior friends, but all the Junior (and Sophomore) friends I have, which is no small number, considering that up until the second semester of my Freshman year I had all of three close friends, one of whom turned out to be a backstabbing b***h... but that's a rant for another day. XD Things are changing, in my life, my family's lives, school... and not all the changes are good. I guess part of it is that, throughout everything that has changed and happened in my life, school, as much as I professed to hate it, has always been there every year, where I could go to forget my life for six hours every day. Of course, at home I tend to forget school, and don't usually do homework... but that's beside the point, and now I'm rambling. Anyway, the point is this--I don't really want to go back, and yet I really do. It's equal parts anxiety, depression, and anticipation. Who knows, maybe this year I'll make some truly wonderful memories to carry with me after High School.
 Minakimonirika · Fri Aug 08, 2008 @ 05:59pm · 0 Comments |
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