|
|
|
OK, so this is my first entry, I never really had much to write, but latly Ive had a lot happen. So I decided to wrtie a little.So this will be the first.
Last night I was lying on my bed. I didntt have any music on, nor tv, nothing. I was just sitting there. And Ive tried meditating before, but Ive never done anything. My mind is generally to full to just clear my mind.
But last night I did it. My mind was clear, and I got serouse thinking done. Iwas just sitting there in the dark, thinking about every thing that has happened in my life. But it was almost like some one else was thinking it, like it was not my life.
And at the moment I wasnt really sure about anything. I wasnt sure if I was christian or aithiest, straight or gay, beleived in democracy or anarchy. I didnt know any thing. Because at the moment I wasnt me. I wasnt really any one.
I know that doesnt really make much sence, but thats the best I can describe it. But the more I sat there, the more I lost all the thoughts on what I believed.
But personally, if there is a heaven, then I guess thats what it feels like. I felt at peace. I felt calm. Its as if nothing out there mattered, and I really got to think about what I believed. Not the stuff my parents have passed on to me, not what my friends have passed on to me, but just what I felt. Because in reality, we do take things from our parents and friends, and thats what makes us in a way.
I think it was some time towards the middle that I was tired of that, that I was tired of the fact that my beliefs are based on what I have heard from friends and family. That my beliefs werent mine.And then I started to think of what I did beleive in, but didnt get anything.
I started to try to think of specifics, but only got more questions. So Im still not truely sure what I believe, or if I really beleive in anything any more. Maiby Ive just become so numb from all the s**t I go through. My parents are divorced, I live with a step-mom that I hate, and prety much hates me, I cant be with the girl I love.
But I think that now I understand what people mean by they need to "find themselves." I understand why they do it. But above all, I think I learned that maiby this world is more complicated than it seems. And until I find myself, I wont know what to beleive, or what to feel.
 As-Apathy-Settles-In · Fri Aug 03, 2007 @ 04:19am · 3 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
