Laying beneath one of the many trees in the theme park, Zen found himself thinking - as he often did, when he wasn't on the move. It was part of why he didn't like being idle; thinking had never really seemed to do him any favors.Even so, his mind turned, and inexorably, he found himself in scrutiny of himself. Had he grown in the past few months? Was he a better Phony today than he was yesterday? Was he giving it his all, his best, selflessly? Zen sighed. He thought he always gave his all, his best, selflessly, but still, he questioned himself. No one had ever questioned him, and yet, he found that he wasn't so sure of himself these days. For a babben, he had an intense sense of weight on his shoulders, that his family and siblings might expect of him something he couldn't give. All his interests and hobbies had gone hoof in hoof with them, and he'd been happy with it! But he never quite fit in to his elegant and entertainment-minded family.
His talk with Ikebana often repeated itself in his head during these moments of thought, the golden stallion clear in his head. "Disappointing others is not in your future," said Ikebana simply. "Nor your nature."
Zen smiled to himself a little. Ikebana knew best, and he certainly wouldn't doubt his brother...which meant he had to stop doubting himself. Why, surely, he'd not disappointed those in his travels! Right? ....right?
The first Phonybab he'd met, Mossflower, he'd done good by her, he was certain! She was so grateful for his help, and that rabbit had healed to bounce another day! Granted, he hadn't done any of the healing, but he'd done everything he could to help her. Her smile had stuck with him even to this day - and for a moment, he thought to himself, she might give him a good what-for if she knew he was questioning himself. That meant he hadn't disappointed her, but...maybe he would if he kept thinking that way. Chuffed, he moved on through his memories, to someone less bright and more...broody. Even when his help hadn't necessarily been wanted, Zen had helped the gruff pirate anyway, and he was certain that despite his stoic disposition, the salt-water sailor had, in fact, appreciated him there. There'd been a stretch that he was sure the one-eyed male was going to kick him into the sea, but...he'd been proven wrong, in the gesture of their destination after all. The babben thought that that the pirate's gratitude might be a stretch...but he'd learned a great deal from that encounter alone. He never got the stallion's name, but he'd never forget him, either. The only disappointment he might have given the other is that he hadn't given up -- and in the end, that had worked out to both their favor.
But what about those he hadn't really helped? Like the Phony at the music store, Acid Beat? Zen huffed softly, and then broke into giggles. Gosh, the two of them had actually quarreled over who should take a CD! Recalling the Phony's invitation to listen to the music and work together, he thought...maybe he had done something for the other. Maybe he had helped him in a way he himself hadn't quite understood. Was that possible? The way he kept smiling and chuckling about the memory, the warmth in his chest, told him so.
Even though he had thoughts of disappointing his family...well, he'd met some extended family and a rather eccentric aunt and in both situations, even though he'd been rowdy in one and uncertain with the other, they always seemed supportive of him. Maybe he was thinking about things too much? Yeah...if anything, Shrill X certainly had taught him the meaning of being true, both to his friends and himself.
So...what was he so worried about? He couldn't be disappointing his family and friends when each time he saw them, they left with a smile and kind words. More than that, helping them and strangers - like the three times he'd tried to play in those LARP things, and even meeting his new friend Cremebunny - taught him the value of participating, of encouraging those he met to do what made them happiest. And somehow, seeing them achieve their goals - be it helping helpless critters, donating to the less fortunate, listening to music together or sharing an experience - it made him feel happy. It made him feel full and warm and like he was on the right path.
Was he giving it his all? 110%! Was he doing his best? Yes! Was he being selfless? Well...not always; he was learning, even there beneath that tree in his own thoughts, that he liked to help others because it gave him a sense of direction - a purpose. A Purpose.
Smiling brightly to himself, the babben clambered to his hooves and lifted his head, looking out over the Phonyscape. Yeah, he wasn't doing too bad at all! Comforted by his brother's words and reassured by the memories he'd made, Zen trotted out from the shade of the tree to find a new adventure, unaware of the cutie mark that now adorned his flank.