[PRP] Ex Mix (Harrison + Rep)

[Baneful]

"You kind of..are...though." Rep hazarded, even while feeling he was walking on Dangerous Ground. "I mean like, you say what you say but you don't say like. All the stuff that's going on like...under." And he moved to kiss Harrison's chest over the heart. "In there, you know? You are like ******** people are the ******** worst, but at the same time you ..sort of hope people will prove you wrong. You are ******** complicated, even more than most people. Most people have like - they are able to explain their quirks and s**t. You don't even see yours, you just are and that's what you are and people just need to get that right."

"I sort of know what you mean I guess, about the like. Endurance. Thing. He doesn't have like. Strong. Opinions. He's agreeable like, he'll fold if you push him hard enough, he'll only stand his ground on some really important moral things. But some people like that too, you know? They like someone who folds when pushed because they want to feel good about it and not frustrated. You don't push so obviously you get irritated when someone folds. Me? Well I like to push people, you know that. I can't push you, but I could push him, it was like a game, like the mazes, and sometimes he'd surprise me. Sometimes he'd stand up for something when I expected him to give in."

He raised a brow. "Though he did try, a lot to please us. A lot a lot. And endured like, horseman torture and all sorts of s**t. He's no weak. He's wily and sneaky and savvy and he was really ******** committed to us, even if it wasn't in a like, walk beside us kind of way. Blue Kingdom had it right, they had him like, public face, smiling and friendly, moving on his own but coming back for the things he needed. He's less like a sword you carry around and more like a boomerang I guess."

Rep shook his head, feeling like he was talking nonsense in his effort to explain how he felt about Jordan. "He's just naturally agreeable. And we are naturally dicks, we value our own opinions and s**t we feel strongly about over other people's tender assholes. He doesn't, he considers like, himself and his opinions worthy of sacrifice for acceptance. I guess you just also like, see that as a liability? Cause what if it's /your/ a** on the sacrificing block because he couldn't say no."

 

[Toshihiko Two]

Harrison softened at the kiss. It wasn't too Dangerous. "I know," he acknowledged. "that dumb, sappy, shitty side of me that's not so smart." He pushed back Rep's hair. "Sometimes it works out anyhow."

There had just been a lot of times it hasn't.

He knew the good s**t about Jordan. Jordan did try. And he was smart. And in Blue Kingdom they all fit, a functional and established power structure. Jordan and Rep nipped at each other's heels, but he had the reigns, loyalties were clear, and there were never any struggles that went too far. The Boss didn't allow for it.

"Not if," Harrison said, his mood heating up to a slow boil at the last turn of phrase, "It was my a** on the sacrificing block. I can let a lot of s**t go, but not that s**t. I was so ******** mad about it for so long. There's been other times- but all it takes is one time. I just don't forgive easy with that s**t. I couldn't sleep with the ******** again until that was ironed out. And he just denied it, like I'm blind-"  

[Baneful]

There was something of the Boss in Harrison, something of Duty in the way he could hold onto a slight and never ever let go. Rep didn't mention it, simply looked thoughtfully at him. He'd witnessed first hand how much it had hurt Harrison and didn't want to offend him by implying it was unreasonable that he held it so dearly. "Yeah I know, and he'd never admit it outright because that in itself is a confrontation. I mean he might even have managed to convince himself he was in the right, I mean from his perspective he probably was. He made the mistake of having him being right be worth more than your feelings I guess, without realizing it. At the same time it would probably have been lying if he'd been like - yeah it happened and I'm sorry it happened and it won't happen again. If he didn't think it did."

He shrugged. "I guess what it boils down to is like. An easygoing person wouldn't mind that stuff, they'd like the laid back devotion, the good intentions and stuff without like, getting too nitpicky about it. But you aren't easygoing. You are...kind of high maintenance. Like there aren't many maintenance required but like. I don't know like, I wouldn't call a dam low maintenance if its fine like eighty percent of the time but that percentage it isn't could mean YOU FLOOD A WHOLE CITY if you don't close it."

 

[Toshihiko Two]

"Easy going my a**. What kind of person doesn't mind that s**t? I don't got a complicated list." Harrison held up his fingers, ticking them as if considering and in the end just holding up one, "Don't ******** me over. Solitary item. You want to break it up-" he busted out more fingers, "Trying to kill me. Trying to take all my money and kill me. Leaving me for dead. Doing any s**t that I have clearly outlined will end in my death, and that I have specifically asked you not to do for that reason. ...With trust, I guess it's stricter. Then it's reciprocity. I don't trust a lot of folks. And if I do s**t for them, I don't expect them to appreciate it, or to notice when I'm in trouble- it's the expecting that ******** me up. I don't want to expect it. I don't have to. And then I get emotional over this s**t for months if somebody tells me, I can expect it, and I ******** believe them, and I need them, and then they don't follow through. And Jordan, he's like, you can trust me, because he thinks it's what I want to hear. And then when I need him, sometimes he's there. And sometimes he ******** off."

Harrison rubbed his face, side-eyeing Rep.

"What about you? If he's so laid-back-devotions with a heart of gold," Which Harrison did not entirely buy, "why'd you tell him to ******** off?"  

[Baneful]

Rep gave Harrison a long very innocent sort of stare, it was the kind of stare that tried very hard to conceal the fact that he did not buy the simplicity of Harrison's list one bit. It was one thing to say that you shouldn't try and kill someone, but it was quite another when it came to the Moon hunter. "Aye well but, like you say don't do something that will end in my death. To you that could be as simple as like, not respond perfectly correctly in a dangerous situation, like reacting in a way that looks to you like you aren't the person's first priority. That ends up being "attempting to kill you", rather than some actual attempt on your life. And to be fair to Jordan, it was probably ******** hard to be a first responder on anything because I was always ******** competing for that spot and my reflexes as far as you go have always been like naturally good for whatever reason." He slumped his face against Harrison in a sigh again. "And to some people it's not possible to have a relationship without one hundred percent trust. I know it's the case for me and I think Jordan took the loss of trust as a leaky and rapidly emptying bucket too. I guess you know now anyway what he's like, he's a different kind of person from me, I don't know if its like a bad thing though."

Turning the conversation to why he chased Jordan off obviously made Rep squirm, enough that he physically squirmed against Harrison and wouldn't actually meet his gaze.

"Part of it was I didn't... something went wrong with the physicality, some like...wires got crossed about consent. I started to doubt s**t for whatever reason and it meant I had to test every ******** inch of him all over again, to make sure I could even let him close to me. And he didn't understand and failed some of those like..tests I guess." he grimaced.

"And the other part is mostly I wanted to see if he WOULD ******** off if I told him to. I'd spent like, all that time feeling like I was second class, like, that I was the "extra guy" and I guess I wanted final and absolute proof to make myself feel better, to get myself back on track in a place where I didn't feel like I was just sort of being used. And er. It like, worked. I didn't think it would, and if it did I just..expected it to be a time out. I expected him to come back constantly and to like..tell on me to you I guess. But he didn't. He left."

 

[Toshihiko Two]

"It's not vague. I said to you, I said, Rep. If you kill this guy, then you and me are dead. You just shadow-sucked his weapon into a ******** tablet. He did live, not for lack of trying. You asked for another chance, and I said I would trust you. If it happened again. And I will. Maybe I'll be in a situation where I got to-"

Harrison was rolling off into melancholy again.

"But you...got all that I got, my heart and trust, everything that's important to me, so- you haven't let me down before. When you said s**t like that. You make it...as important to you, as it is to me."

He snorted at Rep saying Jordan was different. Different was good, just...

"So. According to you, he studied real hard. Took both our tests. Didn't do great. And the class is pass/fail."

Harrison stopped short of asking Rep what he wanted to do about it.

"You said you needed my help. Stopping you. From ******** him up."  

[Baneful]

"It's still vague sometimes. It wasn't then, and I ******** up and I accept that I ******** up, no matter what the contributing factors were and influences, I shouldn't have swung and put us both on the line. I haven't done anything like it again and I don't intend to ever do so again. I was too ******** retarded to make that leap from like, hurting myself tying into hurting you. Sometimes when you resent yourself as much as I resent myself its hard to imagine anyone else's anything relying on you."

"I'm no making excuses though, like I said, I learned a lesson." He couldn't say if Jordan had learned lessons or not, or even if the lessons he'd had to learn were fair or would mean he'd be happy abiding by them for ever.

"And that's about the long and the short of it, he tried and didn't pass."

His casual tone seemed to stop dead at the mention of his request and there was a moment where he felt like his own words were strangled by his darker nature. He wanted to say let it happen, lets try again, lets make a go of it and see. But that part felt like the selfish part, the part that wanted to test and see what "it will end badly" really ******** meant to Jordan if it happened. If it didn't so much the better. But it still felt wrong.

He opened his mouth and nothing happened. He closed it again and then spoke. "I don't know man. I don't know if my hesitance on this is like, just normal fear that I'll hurt Jordan again or if its like a sense that I kind of in a subconscious way just like.. want to use him and get someone else to look after us, after you. To stop him running off with someone else, even if it means like, him being not the same species of priority as you. And I'm like what if I stop this and stop myself from doing anything, what if we cut him off and like..what if it could have worked. I see every night like, a world where it worked and I think like is it all my fault is it on my shoulders that its over if it is?"

He rubbed his temples with the thumb and forefinger of one hand. "I just keep thinking back to that Christmas man, everyone was like, happy and comfortable and it felt like it worked. Things were ok until I ******** it up, it all stemmed from me, like I feel like all this blackness, all this twisting words and meaning and intentions like. I did it. You two just wanted to be fair and happy. I wanted everything, I wanted it all and you became the thing I wanted all of."

"Just what like, what if he doesn't move on? What if he ends up in an even shittier place than with us? We won't have done the right thing or the good thing, we won't have set him free, we'll still have to see him on missions, there's no real escape here. I'm not qualified for these kind of decisions man."
 

[Toshihiko Two]

"What if he wants to get ******** up?" Harrison asked. "I think he'd let you ******** him over, so long as you didn't tell him to go away again. Maybe it's not my place to say. I never understood either of you. But I'm not getting into this s**t out of pity. We can't go on waxing about doing what's best for him, it's ******** condescending. He wants back. He knows how you treated him. It's not like you're going to change, he acknowledged that. Hell, he knows how I treated him..."

Harrison shifted uncomfortably.

"Anyhow. We can't do it on what's best for the ********. I'm not gonna make any more stipulations. This is about what we want to do."  

[Baneful]

"What we want to do?" Rep said slowly, mulling over the idea. "I know what I would want to do. If it was just me I'd go for it, everything in my life is like why the ******** not? Act now, pick up the pieces later. I wouldn't get hurt by it, not really. All I'd get is like, some sex and some combat backup, some spars and whatever. It's you I'm worried about. I don't want to get tangled up in something that hurts you and you got hurt last time."

"I guess what I'm saying is, is it worth it to shake s**t up then? If what's best for Jordan doesn't matter?" It was difficult because on some levels he felt like what was best for Jordan did matter, he would still be uncomfortable watching the other hunter's solitude and distance. "For the sake of what? Another person who is like, as self concious and needy as I am when you don't really have the er...toolset to manage that level of self loathing? What I want and what we might want are two separate things."


 

[Toshihiko Two]

"What do you mean, tools? It's not like- people having emotional needs is a big red flag for me in relationships. All that's fine. You mean- I couldn't take care of him?"

Harrison sighed. Maybe he couldn't.

"Yeah," Harrison rubbed the back of his neck, "I got the same concern. About getting hurt or attached or whatever again. Jordan told you he wouldn't do s**t with you without like, an emotional commitment. What was your plan there? Just talk him around it? ...It's us as in both. You, me, us."  

[Baneful]

"I don't know so much like, taking care of him, I mean you did just fine while the relationship was going, better than me anyway. Though he picked up the wrong end of the stick and thought that you didn't like him at the end when you were doing your best to keep him happy so. I don't know, you seemed to be ticking all his boxes to me too. But it wasn't? And he says it like wasn't just because of me that he left? That he'd have left you too? That I admittedly don't understand, like, you were stretching yourself thin and running yourself ragged trying to keep both of us happy." he raised a brow uncertainly. "There's s**t you don't understand like, about emotional bullshit, but you still do your best and you don't want people to suffer and stuff. I understand emotional s**t but I kind of ..use it. You are less scary, or should be. I don't get it."

Once again though he found himself uncomfortable and confronted with the darker inclinations of his nature. He didn't like having those instincts addressed directly and if it had been anyone else, even those who presumed to know him, he'd have wheedled and bullshitted out of it. But this was Harrison, and discomfort or no he told the other man everything.

"My plan was just I don't know, aye I guess. Talk him round, talk him into giving it another go, maybe even put a bit of effort myself in to give it another go. Put a lot of stress I guess on getting right back into the swing of physical s**t Take advantage of all the good things that come with having him back again. And I was just going to not think about the like, future and whatever else that might go wrong or come after. That's what my plan was. I wouldn't get like, emotional fallout the same way you would and if it fell apart like before I wouldn't really get hurt or attached either."

He sighed. "It's a lot of ******** hoops, but I guess like, it's also entertainment when this island is ******** boring as all hell. I forget its a game you have a stake in."

 

[Toshihiko Two]

That probably got done closer to the heart of it.

"You can't just play checkers with the guy?"

Harrison sighed.

"And yeah. I get...caught up in it. Like I said before, I don't know if I want to go back to it. I know he's been miserable. I been pretty happy, relationship-wise." He reached back to tangle his fingers up in Rep's skin again.

"But it's like you said. I got the same memories, of when it was us and it was good. And there's...dreaming. I know it's not us, but I-"  

[Baneful]

"I can't?" he said, without too much snark. He got his weapon sealed for playing physical games with people, but when it came to the mental, well no one really cared. Besides, he was of the opinion that he was not the entirely guilty party in this respect, Jordan had played him more than a few times, he'd just gotten the upper hand in the last round. "He always seemed the type to enjoy a good game or two, maybe he just lost his touch."

Harrison got a very soft-eyed look and Rep leaned into the contact the way he always did. "I've been happy too. Real happy. I just feel bad for him yeah. But if you don't want to get back into it, we can like, give him an answer properly"

He still hesitated. "But I do know what you mean. It did work. But maybe it only worked because no one was talking about the s**t that bothered them. I mean, I say all this, but I don't think I could go back to sharing you. He never ever once tried to hurt me in anything he did but like, I'd hurt myself. I couldn't like, help but get like...competitive in bed and s**t. And when I couldn't I'd like freak out and back off and get upset. I can't give one hundred percent of me to two people. And you have the hundred, he'd still...he'd probably still get zero, or close, in the long run. I don't think he deserves that."