Another chaotic battle survived, another day to think. Where was his life headed at this point? Was he simply fodder now? A soldier not allowed their own thoughts or feelings? What were these feelings and thoughts anyway? So many memories of a time and place that never existed. He was happy there. He wanted to go back and stay forever but he knew it wasn't real.

It's been so long since he paid Rep a visit. Would he be mad when he finally comes back? Did it even matter if he was? Maybe then he'd be freed, his choice taken away. Why was it so hard to choose? On one hand there is the here and now. He felt safe and cared for. Someone important cared about what he did and that in itself was pretty amazing. They looked out for him and wanted him safe and to be smart. They were so powerful he never questioned their reasoning or abilities.

But.

With the safety and protection came a great loss of freedoms. The only one he had to fear was the protector and this was an ever-present fear. It hung heavily on him. It drained him of his individuality and independence. It wasn't their fault, it was Al's. He was too scared to push, to see what slack he had at all if any. He was a dog on a 10 foot chain, too cowardly to go past 3.

Even with someone there at 4 calling to him, holding out a treat.

Oh how he wanted that treat. He ran his fingers through his hair with a frustrated grunt. He wanted to have his own. His own power, his own lovers - perhaps not plural. He wanted to break free and fight his own fights and become stronger and lead the way rather than be led. He wanted to feel loved and desired and not be afraid to have that for himself.


He stared at his invisible chain. Counted the links over and over in his mind. Each one was formed of his own fears and self-inflicted restrictions. He contemplated severing them. He lowered his head. He wanted to so much. He wanted it a lot. But he just couldn't do it. Not without the command.