She had waited exactly five sunsets for Vigo's return. With each passing night she found herself having less and less hope for his return. In place of that hope came many different emotions. On the first two nights came worry, stress and anxiety. What if he'd been hurt? Should she go out looking for him? What if it was something even worse than getting hurt? On the third day, though her worry remained, she began to have another feeling all together. It was a sick little feeling of despair and anger, wheedling it's way right into the center of her heart. He'd left... he'd gone on without her! She'd done something wrong or not enough... she hadn't been right for him. The next day came shame and anger at herself, for letting herself become so involved. Hadn't she learned her lesson with Takuma?
The last day she decided to accept the inevitable; Vigo was not coming back. No way, no how. He'd either gotten hurt, lost or killed and it was a loss to mourn... or he'd decided on his own that what they'd just started was not right, so he'd taken it upon himself to leave her side and go do his own thing. She was trying hard to accept it on positive terms... but as things were? She could only feel angry about it. Lastly she had to think of what to do about... her situation. She was now stuck in the rogue lands with only a vague idea of how to get back to the Kusini. She should go back. She knew that... her family was their... her support... but now she would be going back with a broken, angry, shamed heart... had she not left the pride to mend her broken heart? To find a new way of life?
A bitter laugh passed her maw and the sound seemed even to surprise her, causing her to stop with wide eyes. No, no, no! That sound was not right at all! Laughter was happy and playful and it gave all around you good feelings of joy. She sighed deeply, hanging her head. She did not want to feel like this, not again. She'd spent the last five nights crying... out of anger, out of shame... often she thought maybe even out of hysteria for having been so foolish.
Had Vigo been leading her on this whole time... bringing her out in the rogue lands as some sort of game? She frowned and shook her head. Of course not... she'd sort of been the one to initiate... well anyways she knew in her heart that he'd been a gentlelion up until that night, he'd been nothing but kind and generous and helpful. For whatever reasons he'd decided to leave... well it would take a long time not to blame him for it. But she would not deny herself allowing to feel like everything before that morning was good... nay, wonderful!
Now she had to be a grown lioness about this and march herself straight back home. She had family there... gods above, she had children there! Children that she'd not been ready to care for. Children whom were born, not out of any sort of loving arrangement, but instead lust. She growled slightly, shaking her head once again. "Mng'Kari don't you dare start giving yourself more reasons to feel like a terrible lion!" In times like these she found the easiest way to change her own thinking was just to command it of herself. Hearing the words out loud were often a lot easier to accept than actually just going over them time and time again in your mind.
- - -
It hadn't taken her many days to find herself back on the edge of her homelands. The thick forest often seemed imitating to rogues... and even now she felt a little shy about entering past the border. It didn't matter that she'd grown up here and spent her entire life here... the stories of the forest were spooky even to members. Still... she suspected most lions and lionesses and other species of the pride grew out of their fears when they realized that most of the stories were made up exactly for scaring cubs. Mng wasn't so sure though... they could still be true, couldn't they?
Really, now was not the time to be thinking of the forest spirits. More so she should be thinking about her father... her sons and daughters... how much had they grown? Had she truly been away for that long? She swallowed hard trying to back track and count all of the moons that had passed. Would they hate her? Think her a terrible mother? She had been a terrible mother... hadn't she? Her mother never would have left them alone in the lands at such a young age...
Her mother, of course, had disappeared once they were a little older but... she still didn't know the true nature of that disappearance. She leaned against one of the old trees, laughing softly. The laugh, again, was not joyful or full of much humor. It was quite and slightly sad as she thought of all the lions and lionesses who left her. And she in turn had left her cubs... was it just in their nature these days?
"But I'm back now." She whispered softly, a reassurance mostly to herself. Her thoughts were quick to rebel, quick to point out that the only reason she was back was because Vigo had gone missing or left her and now she had no one. So she crawled back with her tail between her legs, so to speak, and would hope to find her place in the pride undisturbed.
She shut her eyes and sniffed, remaining like that for quite a while and tried to build up her strength and her courage. Everything would be okay... wouldn't it? Things happened for a reason. She had to often remind herself like that... because for all the times Mng was a happy, generous and playful soul... well it made the hard times all that much harder to deal with. Her emotions were just too strong... but she could not change that in herself and really didn't want to in any case.
She would face the days to come, she would face her stranger-children's questions... she would face her father and the rest of her pride. Things would work out. They had to work out... because if they didn't, what would happen?
She finally slipped into the woods, holding her head high.