Worthy?

[Razsminion]

It never ceases to amaze, every time I read some of these topics how much faith and lve that you all have from the Creater. How much blessing that you all have. I must admite that I am jealous. Years ago I lost a lover one to Alcohol poisoning and I still feel the cold sting from it. That was a while ago and I was foolish back then. In a rage after his death I blasphemied: I spit on my oath to God, desicrated the bible and made a dark pact with those that would hear my call. Back then I thought that Satan was the only true answer, in his dark words I saw a humanity that wasn't worth such blessings. Murders, rappest, wife beaters.... they were all I saw in my dispair and I followed Satan down a dark path believing more and more that the Trinity was my real reason for suffering. I started caring less and less about others and turned my fists and rage on those that sought to harm me when I should have turned the other cheek... instead I felt something inside me I have never felt before and have never felt sence. To this day I have no idea what it was. All I know is that it scared me, and yet at the time it felt so right. After a year I descovered my folly.

It has been two years now and I still can't bring myslef back to the church I use to go to or the new one in the city I moved to. Honesty, why would a Creater like that give me a second chance when I so ruthlessly cast the first one away. I have yet to go to a church and ask for gods forgivness. How can I? When I read all this advice given here I almost feel dispair for myself. You make it all seem so easy to do; to ask the Creater for forgivness. I remember reading in the bible: "Those that do not know love are sons of Cain, and there fore not welcomed into the kingdom of god"

I have never felt loved/love, I never felt joy and very seldomly do I feel happiness. To me these are just made up emotions, I know hatred and rage. Though I have tamed these emotions I still lack the feelings of love and joy that so many praise about. Perhaps I am not worthy of such gifts, perhaps I wasn't ment to have these blessings.

I need advice from those who know the texts, teachings and whatnot from the Creater. Is there salvation for one who feels no love or joy or does Cain's blood flow too thick through my veins?  

[retrouvailles]

Dear, I know how you feel, and can sympathize.

But I believe that if you don't start walking towards the direction of joy and love, how can you reach it? Everyone is worthy. The trials and obstacles that you have to overcome make it all more worth it when you reach it. You've already gone half way- you admit it to yourself and to the world.

Everyone has second chances. I know former drug addicts, people who spent years in jail, people who have felt the way you have. It's not always easy asking for forgiveness, but try. You're half way there, and coming closer.

Prayer always helps.. I'll pray for you for as long as you need, and then some.. (it's always good.) I wish I could bring you to my church, but .. that's probably on the other side of the country.

God bless..  

[DeanWinchester]

Hey. Okay, you are always worthy. No matter what. I have done things to myself that I really don't want to talk about. Lets just say I had a long standing aquaintance with a razor last year.

I really hated myself for a long time. And not one of my christian friends who knew, said anything. those that didn't know didn't even notice anythign was wrong.

I figured it was God's way of punishing me that no one noticed how badly I was hurting. (yes, i have been told I sound too girly to be a guy.)

But, I came through it. My faith will never be as strong as it was before last year, but it will always be there. As long as you believe you are worthy. So, don't ever ever give up. And...yes, lordy, it hurts to ask for forgivenss, because that is truly the final way of saying you give up and realize you are wrong.

If you ever want to be right with God again, you have to ask for forgiveness, no matter how hard a blow to your pride.

I can pray for you, but you have to help yourself...otherwise all the prayers in the world mean nothing if you never take action.