|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2012 9:34 pm
 |
|
|
 |
So a while back here in the HTC I mentioned I was having some troubles with my relationship, and I was wished good luck with fixing things, well sadly thats not how things work and here my story.
Back in 08 I met a girl in a puzzle room here on gaia. We became the very best of friends, and through that slowly began a relationship. She was the first person ive ever had feelings for and any sort of attraction. I have always been head over heels for her.
Well after about a year or so being in a relationship with each other we planned a visit. I lived in England at the time and she lives in Ontario Canada. I payed for the visit with savings I had made, and it cost over $1000 to do it, but we both desperately wanted it. We had become closer, more open, and more honest to each other than we had ever become with anyone in our lives before. I have told her everything I know, everything about me, and to this day she knows 99% about me, more than anyone else in the known universe.
Anyways, the visit comes around and I get off my plane and we hug in our first meeting. I meet her parents there on the spot as well. We didn't say a whole lot because we were both feeling terribly shy. And it took about a week for us to even hold hands. She was shy, I was shy and feeling a flood of feelings and emotion I had never experienced before, and I never felt more alive. Once we broke the ice I was constantly cuddling, hugging, holding hands, and just enjoy every bit of physical contact I could get with her. We wanted the visit to be 2 months long but sadly both our parents decided that one month would be best so we had to go with what we had got.
This month was the single best month I had ever had in my life, I enjoyed every measurable bit of time with her as physically possible. We went shopping, we went to movies, we would have meals just the 2 of us, we would rent movies and watch them together under a blanket. We went to Niagara falls together, a place I had never been before and enjoyed the whole thing with her. We swam in one of the Great Lakes. We did so damn much in that month. But sadly it all went by far to fast. It came time for me to leave. We sat In the airport waiting for my time to go. I was getting ready to step into the waiting line waiting to go through security, and we hugged, she was crying her eyes out which made me cry my eyes out. That's when my first kiss and unknowingly only real kiss with her happened. I kissed her tenderly on the lips and moved some hair out of her eyes and told her word for word. "Ill be back, I promise". And then after more crying left and made my way to my flight.
What she did not yet know was I left something behind for her. Days before I had hand written a letter, and had a teddy bear holding a heat that said "I love you" on it. I folded the note and pit it in his arms and left it on her bed pillows. She said when she got home and saw the bear she just started crying much harder and did all that night.
First thing I did when I got back to England was let her know that I made it home safely and already missed her so much. And she said thank you for the bear and we continued to talk.
We remained in deep love after that and started trying to plan our next visit. Sadly the visit never happened out of her parents being stubborn and things just not working the way we needed to. We started planning for her to visit me, and we really thought it was going to happen. But we got orders from the military saying that we were moving, and the date was just after when had planned our visit. I regrettably called off the visit, she took forever to get her passport, she was afraid of flying and traveling from home, I was being told by my parents that it wasn't a good time, and under all of it I caved and called it off (to this day I really wish I hadn't.
Somewhere between when i called off the visit and when I moved a distance had grown between us. I had fallen into a hole of self loathing and personal crap which I shouldn't have even thought about, I had just dug myself into a self center hole and this drew the distance between us. I didn't play xbox live with her, I never bothered to call, we started talking less and less, and I started to clam up and feel less open. I was only a bit aware of what I was doing and didn't see that it was a big problem. I never loved her any less and didn't think she did either and felt safe because I really didn't think she would leave, and that if there was a problem in our relationship that she would tell me.
Anyways, we finally move (back into the US (east coast)) and the only thing im really excited and happy about is that i was living closer to her than I had ever been before, barely 500 miles. I was looking forward to being able to drive and see her whenever I wanted when I finally got a car. But this dream would not become realized, because shortly after moving it happened...
One cool morning I awoke as I normally do and got online to check my emails, facebook, gaia, etc... And that's when I saw it. There was a Facebook message from her, it was really long and before I even read it my heart stopped because I could sense what was coming and happening. She said she was breaking up with me and gave me a long list of problems she had with me, all simple things that could have been easily fixed. At the end of it she said she didnt want me to contact her or her family in any way shape or form, and had blocked me on facebook. I turned off my computer and took a long bath while I lightly cried. After I got out I decided to tell my mother, to where the heavy crying really started.
After a few days of crying and feeling a pain of which I have never experienced before (and ive been through 3rd degree road rash) I started thinking to myself, "I cant let things end this way, I haven't come this far for nothing, ill ignore her request for no contact and reach out to her." So I asked a few friends, most just told me to get the ******** over her, but my closest friends said to do it and try the best I could. I told my mother what I was planning on doing and she asked me one thing in return. She asked me "Do you feel that she's worth fighting for?" and I instantly said yes, so she told me to go for it. And I did, I plead my heart and soul out in a 2 page paper, I kept it somewhat short as I was just trying to get her attention. I told her to message me, call or text me on my mothers phone, anything she wanted. And I sent it to every account I could think of that she had, her gaia, her gaia mule, her email, everything. And I just sat and waited.
The day after the next my mom got a text on her phone. It said "How can you still love me after I hurt you like that?" And I explained that she can hurt me but it doesn't mean I don't love her, and will always lover her no matter what and etc. So we started texting, thousands of texts over the course of a few weeks. I then started asking when I could come for another visit, I had promised her before that i would be back and I meant it with every fiber of my being.
She finally gave me a date. Its was to be October 1-17. She chose this time because there was 2 festivals going on in this time and she said she would like to take me to them. I agreed and we started looking for tickets. I ended up getting a train ticket there and then a greyhound bus for the rest of the trip, roughly 20-21 hours in total going one way. cost about $330 of less than 600 that I had in my bank account, but money was no object for this, I felt I needed to be there to really fix things in person.
The day finally comes and I feel so very excited, nervous, and just ready to be there. So 20+ hours and no sleep later im finally there. I get off my bus and I hug her as soon as I see her. Seeing her again just puts me into full shy mode because just being in her presence makes me feel like ive taken in a deep breath and forgot to let it out. So the car ride back to her place was pretty quite, due to shyness and sleep deprivation.
But this car ride was when I started to notice something different. She just kept on texting someone on her phone the whole way back, and did so more than trying to make an effort to talk to me. I had a very good feeling as to who she was texting aswell. When we started texting back she had told me about someone who i previously dident know about. She had made this friend online (we'll call her J) and said she was outside of me, the best friend ever, and that she loved her, but not in the same way as me, and that she wanted to be that person that is always their for her and has a shoulder to lean on. She also said the J had recently gone through a breakup with her fiancee. She said that J had admitted to having feelings for her and that she kinda had them back. She told me that she had found herself in the kink life and that J was the one who introduced it to her. She said that she wanted to have a sexual encounter with J and that it was up to me but if I didn't want her to that that would be fine with her. I had told her I don't know what I feel about that and that I would need time to get used to the idea and that I wanted to be her first before it happens (we are both virgins..). And I was positive this is who she was texting in the car. And I didn't think anything of it.
Well the days go by and she seems kinda distant, not cuddling or hugging me and just seems to be keeping her space. All while she is constantly texting on her phone. But I still treasure every second I have with her. But then my worst fear is realized.
On my 3rd day of my visit she asks me if I want to go on a walk with her as we had planned before the trip. We sit down on a on a swing set in a park and she says she needs to talk to me about something. My heart just stops and I go compleatly cold. She says she no longer feels for me and that she cant force herself to feel anything, and that she wants me to leave the next day if possible as she doesn't feel it fair for me to stay there when i feel things that she no longer does. Out of complete shock and just not knowing what to do I end up making it easier for her to say and then start rescheduling for my return trip. They tell me the closest they can get me out is Saturday, 3 days away... But its the closest and I say yes, even though I now feel I should have done otherwise.
The next days are just an emotionally crushing experience. She stops talking to me and seems to strait up ignore me. I finally get to to do some things with me like mailing old things I left behind on the first visit, and going to the corner store with me. But it dident matter, she could be there right next to me but it felt like she was on the other side of the galaxy, it felt so lonely, and I could no longer express myself to her because she just wouldn't feel anything...
On my last night there I text her from another room as we were staying in different rooms in her house. I tell her I have some questions to ask her and some things I need to say, and if she would prefer to do it face to face, texting or phone call, or through something like facebook. She said facebook. But as I was texting her this she sent me a text and it finally struck me and I had started to figure it out.
In the middle of asking her how she would like to do it she accentedly sent me a text meant for J. It read this "yay! I love my J <3".
NOTHING hurt as bad as that did, it was like grabbing a knife inside me and dragging it all over the place. But that text, that's what really lead me onto the path of figuring out what happened.
Day comes for me to leave. She still doesn't say much to me and I don't speak out of feeling physically ill for the past couple of days and as usual shes texting J. And finally the bus pulls up for me to leave. And I go stand in line after giving her and her mom a hug goodbye. But In line I just feel so full of distress and I wave for her to come to me. She walks up and I get close to her and in the most gargled voice I barely managed to say "I just wanted to tell you one last time in person that I love you..." And she finally gave me a half decent hug for a few seconds as I just about physically collapsed under everything, but I someone managed to keep myself together, and I don't cry. She walks back to her moms side, still stone cold faced and I wave goodbye on the bus.
After I get home and a day or two later I decide to start asking her my questions. I ask things like what happened, why did she leave again and stuff. She told me it was for all the reasons from before even though I had changed them, and she said sense that first text to me she still didnt feel. After a few questions she asks me to stop, and she says she has no intention of getting back together if that's what I was hoping for and that she had a change of heart and fell in love with someone else and is in a relationship with them. She also said that said person was not happy that she was still talking to me (i soon learned this person was J, talk about lack of respect from them..). So I said I would leave my last few words in the morning. I never did, and ended up doing somthing else.
What later happened was that I decided that if she wasn't going to answer my questions and that she was going to be that way that I was going to say everything I wanted to and needed to. She later unfriended me on facebook (which is really for the better...). But what I did was start writing. and a month later I had 6 pages of single spaced writing amounting to over 6000 words. I sent it to her through facebook, I sent it exactly one month after we sat down on that swing set. In it were a few simple questions, like terms of contact and such. I never got a reply to any of the simplest of questions..
She had cheated on me with J, led me on, hid things from me, became secretive, and deceiving. She said she never wanted to loose me for anything and yet she didn't do a damn thing to stop it. She never told me about the problems or make an effort to talk about them and try to work things out in the slightest. She didn't even bother to let me say anything on the first message of the breakup, just wanted me to never speak to her again. She even said that's not how she wanted it to be but in the end just doing it anyways. The things she did was wrong. So after so much I decided that I did indeed need to let go because thinking that I could have changed things or that things would have been different had I done things differently in the past is only going to bring me so much more pain. Just thinking about her is a mass of pain.
What im doing is hand writing her a letter, to which im going to send her with a final small present, a gumball which has much significance to us, and ill be explaining in said letter that im letting go, that she knows what she did was wrong, and a few other choice words.
It wasn't completely her fault, it wasn't completely mine. I failed my part as her boyfriend in alot of areas, but she was the one that made the FATAL mistakes. I was willing to to try and better myself and fix things but she didn't bother to try herself. I had blamed it all on me for the longest time but it wasn't my fault, and I have to keep telling myself that. But I sill feel crushed under the weight of my guild and regret.
I hurt everyday, still have moments and mornings of feeling physically sick from it, I still cry, I still feel confused about so much. She was what made me feel the best ive ever felt in my life, but also whats made me feel the lowest, lower than ive ever gone before. I loved her unconditionally and would give my life for her. I still feel that way and would give my life for just another minute to be with her out of love and have it returned.
I come here asking for a bit of help, where I am trying to get over her and forget, its a very hard thing to do and I have very little idea of what im doing and could use some advice. Also any feedback regarding my situation would be very nice.
Also I would just like to say to anyone here who is currently in a relationship. If you really love the someone, do your very best to make sure things a good well and happy, and iron out even the smallest of kinks you may find. Loosing someone you love that much brings nothing but unbreakable pain. Hold them close and don't let them go or stray. I failed my relationship, and I dont want any of you to.
Also if anyone wants even more details dont hesitate to ask.
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 5:23 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 5:27 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 5:30 pm
|
|
|
|
AstraMorningstar Hogosha neko AstraMorningstar I have been in a smiliar situation and it still hurts to this day and taught me that no matter how much one thinks they know another...they really do not know them at all.. One can only hope to know as much as they can. So true! It's just a shock when the one you thought loved you as much as you did them cheats and then is so distant so quick. So hard to get over as well.
Indeed.
A few weeks after posting that things got pretty...interesting I guess is the best way to put it. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 5:48 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 5:55 pm
|
|
|
|
Hogosha neko AstraMorningstar Did you two get back together? confused No, but she did try talking to me again. The person she left me for did not want her to and i asked her why exactly she randomly started talking to me again and this is her response. "Yeah, long story about that.. I've been told not to talk to you But, I'm doing it anyways. Why? Because I want to." and when asked why she wanted to I got this "I'm sick of acting like a.child." She also told me what she plans for the future, which involves moving in with this new person where their business is and inheriting half of it. Same eith me. The person that hurt me doesn't understand how I can still be hurting and why I can no longer trust easily. They, too try to be friends and can not understand why I am :distant: and not my :normal: self. I'm not who I used to be anymore and if this person really cared they would try and understand how I am feeling. It is confusing when they text as you wonder what is this about and what do they want, only to get" Just wanted to see how you are" Freaking crushed and broken....thas what I want to say but I'm all //"fine and you?" <.< Ive also received texts. Which is fairly annoying because its just poking me where it hurts. Its like she doesn't understand that im still greatly in pain about it....which I guess is to be assumed. =/ |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 6:01 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 6:05 pm
|
|
|
|
AstraMorningstar Hogosha neko AstraMorningstar Did you two get back together? confused No, I wish, but no. she tryed talking to me again. The person she left me for did not want her to and i asked her why exactly she randomly started talking to me again and this is her response. "Yeah, long story about that.. I've been told not to talk to you But, I'm doing it anyways. Why? Because I want to." and when asked why she wanted to I got this "I'm sick of acting like a.child." She also told me what she plans for the future, which involves moving in with this new person where their business is and inheriting half of it. Ive also received texts. Which is fairly annoying because its just poking me where it hurts. Its like she doesn't understand that im still greatly in pain about it....which I guess is to be assumed. =/ Same eith me. The person that hurt me doesn't understand how I can still be hurting and why I can no longer trust easily. They, too try to be friends and can not understand why I am :distant: and not my :normal: self. I'm not who I used to be anymore and if this person really cared they would try and understand how I am feeling. It is confusing when they text as you wonder what is this about and what do they want, only to get" Just wanted to see how you are" Freaking crushed and broken....thas what I want to say but I'm all //"fine and you?" <.<
Yeah. In those situations, or whenever she does try talking to me, I end it with some excuse as soon as i can. A part of me dearly wants to talk to her, but the logical side of me knows I cant and that im supost to be cutting as much communication with her as I can. I've been working on a letter that will hopefully solve the issue once and for all. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 6:07 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 6:07 pm
|
|
|
|
Hogosha neko AstraMorningstar Hogosha neko AstraMorningstar Did you two get back together? confused No, I wish, but no. she tryed talking to me again. The person she left me for did not want her to and i asked her why exactly she randomly started talking to me again and this is her response. "Yeah, long story about that.. I've been told not to talk to you But, I'm doing it anyways. Why? Because I want to." and when asked why she wanted to I got this "I'm sick of acting like a.child." She also told me what she plans for the future, which involves moving in with this new person where their business is and inheriting half of it. Ive also received texts. Which is fairly annoying because its just poking me where it hurts. Its like she doesn't understand that im still greatly in pain about it....which I guess is to be assumed. =/ Same eith me. The person that hurt me doesn't understand how I can still be hurting and why I can no longer trust easily. They, too try to be friends and can not understand why I am :distant: and not my :normal: self. I'm not who I used to be anymore and if this person really cared they would try and understand how I am feeling. It is confusing when they text as you wonder what is this about and what do they want, only to get" Just wanted to see how you are" Freaking crushed and broken....thas what I want to say but I'm all //"fine and you?" <.< Yeah. In those situations, or whenever she does try talking to me, I end it with some excuse as soon as i can. A part of me dearly wants to talk to her, but the logical side of me knows I cant and that im supost to be cutting as much communication with her as I can. I've been working on a letter that will hopefully solve the issue once and for all.
I hope that helps. It is tough when someone you have ffelings for just won't get out of your life and stay out. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 6:09 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 6:11 pm
|
|
|
|
AstraMorningstar Hogosha neko AstraMorningstar Hogosha neko AstraMorningstar Did you two get back together? confused No, I wish, but no. she tryed talking to me again. The person she left me for did not want her to and i asked her why exactly she randomly started talking to me again and this is her response. "Yeah, long story about that.. I've been told not to talk to you But, I'm doing it anyways. Why? Because I want to." and when asked why she wanted to I got this "I'm sick of acting like a.child." She also told me what she plans for the future, which involves moving in with this new person where their business is and inheriting half of it. Ive also received texts. Which is fairly annoying because its just poking me where it hurts. Its like she doesn't understand that im still greatly in pain about it....which I guess is to be assumed. =/ Same eith me. The person that hurt me doesn't understand how I can still be hurting and why I can no longer trust easily. They, too try to be friends and can not understand why I am :distant: and not my :normal: self. I'm not who I used to be anymore and if this person really cared they would try and understand how I am feeling. It is confusing when they text as you wonder what is this about and what do they want, only to get" Just wanted to see how you are" Freaking crushed and broken....thas what I want to say but I'm all //"fine and you?" <.< Yeah. In those situations, or whenever she does try talking to me, I end it with some excuse as soon as i can. A part of me dearly wants to talk to her, but the logical side of me knows I cant and that im supost to be cutting as much communication with her as I can. I've been working on a letter that will hopefully solve the issue once and for all. I hope that helps. It is tough when someone you have ffelings for just won't get out of your life and stay out.
Yes, for quite a while I didn't want them to leave, but when I finally came to the realization that I was ready to let go and push it as far away from me as possible is exactly when they start trying to seemingly work they way back in a bit. Funny how that works huh? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 6:19 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
