- The sand was beginning to itch against his fur and skin, it'd obviously worked it's way past his thick pelt and had stuck there well enough. It did not feel sticky, exactly, just uncomfortable and itchy. But it wasn't like he hadn't seen this coming, he'd been laying on his side for the better part of the whole day and it didn't seem as though he'd be getting up any time soon either. Over and over again he tried to tell himself that it didn't matter, that he needed to move on and just... do something different with himself. It was hard to pull yourself out of the comforts of self pity though, so quickly it became a comfortable and familiar feeling. It seemed like the only thing he could do in the world to hold onto the memory was make it something unhappy, to feel worthless and blame himself for the whole ordeal.
Chandran had never been a positive force amongst his siblings or his pride. He'd always had doubts and insecurities, but it seemed as if the older lioness had raked her claws along his very soul and has spilled each and every one to the surface. He had no one to speak to about this, as he'd realized many times before. Not his mother, not his father... his friends did not even believe the lioness he kept bringing up was real. So he'd stopped bringing Niyati up to them all together. In fact, he'd stopped speaking to almost everyone. Not the sort of lion you really wanted to hang out with, and he knew it. He didn't even care that Niyati didn't even like him a tiny bit, he still just... just wanted to see her! If he could just maybe follow her at a distance... or if she was just somewhere nearby so that maybe he could just have a look at her every once in a while... even that would be enough!
His eyes, one dark and one light in color, seemed glossed over as he stared off into the distance. If only he had someone to snap him out of his misery, if he had a fellow who was in a similar situation! Or had been in one very like his own, at least! But his friends had all proved to be father shallow... didn't he have any deep and meaningful relationships outside of his family? And he wasn't even extremely close to said family, was he? You had to like your family. It was like some sort of rule for existing...
He wondered if maybe he should be trying to work or learn or help his pride out in some way... No. He knew he should be doing such, but it was hard to get himself to actually do anything. He half shut his glassy gaze and after a moment fully closed his eyes. Sleep made all of these horrible thoughts go away. Sleep was the cure for his upset stomach, for his unstable heart that sometimes hurt him so much he thought he might die and at other times pounded so hard against his chest he thought it might burst.
If he'd known that falling in love would cause you to become such a mess than he would have wished a thousand times over that he never fell in love. He found himself chuckling lightly, and if other lions had been passing by at the moment they probably would have given him odd looks. He didn't care, he had picked a spot where he was all alone and wasn't likely to be disturbed.
At some point he must have fallen asleep, though he wasn't sure how long he'd slept. Only that the great sun was finally sinking past the horizon, beginning it's decent into the unknown. Sooner than he would have liked the moon would make his appearance, the dark and inky blackness would settle in over the world, and the glittering little gems that were known as stars would peak out of that inky darkness one by one. Stars, though more accurately relatable to his family's pelt, reminded him strongly of Niyati. He didn't even need anything to remind him of the beautiful lioness, she was always in his thoughts.
But those dreams... the dreams that must have come while he'd just been sleeping for the day... something about them tugged at his mind. He felt bothered, and for whatever reason it was a more welcome feeling than all of the self hate he'd been blanketing on himself layer by layer. What had he dreamed of? He sat up slowly and frowned. Arusi? His mother? Or had it been... had it? Surely she could at least leave his dreams alone!
But he'd gotten some vague sense of... of being tired of being himself? Yes, even though it did not make much sense to him. He just had this feeling that... that he should stop thinking about Niyati. No matter how hard that was, no matter how much he despised the idea... it was clear to him that she would not be coming back. She wasn't going to be hanging around the borders, waiting for him to show and she certainly did not get the same excitement as he did on fantasizing their next meeting.
He took a deep breath and nodded, realizing what he must do. If he wanted to impress her... well, wallowing in pity and hate was not likely to do that! So he could change, couldn't he? Yes! That was exactly what he would do! For Niyati! He did not think about what would happen if she rejected him again... he felt determined, and it was a welcome relief from all that he'd been feeling the past few weeks.
He looked once more to the sky and nodded again, confirming his decision before getting up and stretching out his limbs. His heart still ached, and his mind still insisted he was a complete and utter fool... but the ache was duller now and his thoughts seemed not as harsh as they had been before.
He would get through this!