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 Posted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 2:23 pm
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Luna Estella Stokes "LUNESSTA"
●Hero alias: Lunessta
●Real name:Luna Estella Stokes
Named after the moon since she was born on a harvest moon
●From:
She is from the Continent Tasea.
●General backstory: Luna was born on the island of Tasea. Born to her asian mother Mai and Caucasian father Jeremy who were both in buisness. She has a little brother Thomas around the age of eight and he is mostly her responsibility since her parents are very busy at work. In her mothers family it is tradition for the mother to name their daughter and mother to name their son. Her mom chose the name Luna since she was born on a harvest moon. Her mother never seemed to understand her, and why she was so interested in the moon and the space. Her father on the other hand was her best friend always the one who knew and understood her. When she was fourteen her father fell from a twelve foot ladder trying to get her cat. She blames herself for the tragedy of her father who may never use his legs again due to a back injury in the fall. Luna had been the hospitals for a long time seeing everyone watching each other. Nurses watching, paying close attention to her father and her. There was never a time when she felt completely alone with him to tell him anything. That's when she began to harden up inside and become careful what she told others since know one knew of her power. She never told anyone except her father one night but he was asleep. Her childhood was hard, with her mom worrying about her making friends and her being to smart. Her father in the hospital a lot and not there to help, her to save her. She never seemed to fit in with regular kids since she tended to excel in her studies, but did fit in with dorks but she was to honest and the friend number lowered to two. She only had two friends because she was to focused in her school work and learning about the moon, and she wasn't always the nicest. She took an afternoon job at the old observatory where she started out basically and assistant getting coffee, printing,making copies,and sending faxes. It was only when she went into a room she wasn't supposed to go since she wasn't authorized that they say her true potential for astronomy. She had correctly predicted the moons phase change for the month, as well as it's rotational pattern, and showing how the tides and currents will change and when. That's when she noticed she had a real thing with the moon a connection she could feel. The people rather than punishing her were quite impressed by her talent and hard work.
●Age upon entering academy:
Age of Seventeen, She only found out about her power when she was Sixteen and waited a year since she was afraid they were going to put her in a lab and test her. As well as she had to make sure her dad and brother would be ok since her mom is gone so often. Also since she had felt watched for several years of going in and out of the hospitals that felt like asylums.
●Powers/abilities: Her powers is Lunarkinesis or Lunar Manipulation-
The ability to manipulate the power of the moon. A sub-power of Cosmic Manipulation. Her power allows her to control and use the Moons energy for her own advantage. So far her power allows her to manipulate the moons light and energy as well.
Direct/Bend moonlight-she can bend the moonlight itself as a way to blind people and shine light in dark area's.
Create smaller (energy) versions of the moon- she can create mini versions of the moon using its energy which she uses as a kind of force when fighting .*ex. creating these little orbs and throwing them at others.
Lunar Energy Manipulation- She can manipulate the moons energy and place it in the mini moons when creating it.
●Origin of powers: Mutation
Luna wasn't born with her power like others were she wasn't given anything either. She was at a very young age around fifteen when she first got them it, not to long after her birthday. She never noticed them though since her power wasn't to noticeable. She had left her father in the hospital to go to the observatory where she liked to go and look at their museum, particularly the moon exhibit. She was very interested in the moon, She was told because she was born on a harvest moon but she didn't believe it. After a long time spent there studying, she being the curious creature she was went into a room behind the exhibit. The sign on the door ' Caution Hazardous Chemicals used'. She saw a moon rock a beautiful moon rock but it had sometime of green and purple chemicals all over it. Luna who wasn't thinking at the moment had picked it up and was studying it. She quickly felt a stabbing pain in her fingers as she dropped the rock. She was still curious about what it was though and continued to hold it in her hands unaware, That the rock was being tested with different hazardous chemicals. It was being tested to trying and find out it's age, what patterns or sequences the moon made, as well as if they could find any energy source or take a deeper look at its energy. The whole time she held it her sense and knowledge of the moon increased. She also gained a weird silver like tint to her dark black hair. The chemicals used where seeping into her skin, and since she was still touching the rock it gave her a keen sense about the moon and powers to manipulate the moons energy.
●Motivation for entering academy:
She never knew she had a power, she only knew she had a thing for the moon and was quite good at her job. She became a big help at the observatory being the only one with accurate results all the time. She never did feel normal but never strange. She did however find out her powers later that year closer to her Sixteenth birthday when she received a letter from the 'Sidekick Academy'. She wasn't sure what it was, or if it was a joke or not. She read up on it though through the letter wondering how they knew she had a power when she didn't know it her self. So one night she was up in bed watching the moon as it moved across the sky. Suddenly her light went out and the moons beam was no where near her. She then made a quick 'come here' movement to the moon as if she were trying to tell it to move to her window. That's when the beam started to move slowly and then stop. She tried it again and it continued to come to her. She jumped out of bed and went down stairs and read the letter again. Though she knew she couldn't leave with her father in critical condition who just came home, her brother still young, and the fear of it all being a lie to take her away and use her. after she turned sixteen she was still thinking of the academy but trying not to with all the problems at home with her father just coming home and brother. She for weeks had went out in the night playing with her powers eventually seeing all she could do. So one night she went to her father who was still up and asked him, if there was a special school for teens like me who were special do you think it is right for me to go. Her father unaware of her power only thought of special as 'very knowledgeable on the moon and space'. He told her not to worry about out it and to try it out because it could only make her better. So after her seventeenth birth day when everyone was sleeping she packed her bags and left a note. So she hoped on a boat to the island and arrived very curious,scared, and powerful.
●Personality:
Blunt- She is very honest because sometimes its better to tell the truth than lie to someones face knowing it can only hurt them more. Sometimes people need to hear the truth. She can get in trouble though with being to honest but it works for he. She usually is quiet and keeps to her self when she is hard at work and quite serious when it comes to Astronomy.Protective- Once she gets to know someone she tends to get quite protective of them. She doesn't like for others to get hurt who she may potentially have feelings for friend. Sweet/charming- She has a way of getting things she wants. She has a way of being subtle and sweet when she wants but hard when she needs. That's not always good cause it makes her seem hard like a rock or soft like pudding.Cautious- Ever since she got this power she always felt she was being watched or different. Since all the time she spent in the hospital. She isn't sure if people like her for her or want to exploit her. She was very hesitant and cautious when they first asked her to join the academy since she had family at home who needed her.helpless romantic- She every now and then she finds her self paying to much attention to boys and not her powers or astronomy. She tends to only hit that stage when she gets to know others and her hard blunt self starts to melt. You can see how thats a bad thing because once she gets close to others they become the villains targets. So she tends to hide her emotions and show know interest only because she's scared.Confident- She is very confident when it comes to her powers and certain situations. She especially confident and proud when it comes to her work. She feel special when talking about it.
●Strengths:
۰Her power makes her a great at her job since they have enhanced her knowledge of the moon and help her to make more accurate predictions, so at the observatory she studies the moon and she is able to make mini moons and use its energy.
۰She is an expert on the subject of space.
۰She is very truthful and honest making lying almost impossible so at least others know they can't be hurt by lies.
۰ She is great with math since she spends so much time calculating the patterns of the moon and other moons.
۰She is good with making predictions, ones that mostly involve the moon and space.
●Weaknesses:
۰ She has a type of paranoia since she hates to be wrong.
۰she is very hesitant and cautious when trusting and meeting new people.
۰her power isn't to Effective during the day.
۰Her blunt personality at times gets her into trouble since she can be to honest.
●Looks department:
Luna is very tall standing at 5'11 and still growing because of the rock that had hit her. She is lean and fit weighing an average of 120lb and hoping not to grow anymore. She has baby blue eyes that change color in the morning they are baby blue then a bright green then at night an ash color. The changing eye's help to keep her true identity a secret. She has long black silky hair with gray tips at the end and slightly wavy. Though she wears it many different ways(Styles 1,2,3,5,6,8,9) Her skin is in between fair and olive since there is a greenish orange tint in her skin but still kind of pale. she always wears a harvest moon necklace which stores the moons energy so she can use it during the day. She usually wears a red blouse with black shorts and knee high brown socks with red boots(outfit).
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Posted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 3:40 pm
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Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2011 12:56 am
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alright I have a LOT of nitpicks, please bear with me * v*;;
Language
Is English your first language? You seem to express yourself well enough but your lack of punctuation can be really... jarring. I'm not sure if you simply can't be bothered or you don't know where they're supposed to go. If its the former, PLEASE put in some punctuation okay...... its very distracting when I'm trying to read it for crit and instead I end up concentrating on your missing commas and fullstops
Backstory
Just out of curiosity, what does she do at the observatory? Paper work? Rocket science?
Delaying entry til age 17
If she was so afraid to enter when she was 16, then what exactly made her change her mind a year later? You're going to have to elaborate or keep it below 16 because our rules did say 16 was the max.
Powers
Too many at this stage. I know Lunarkinesis was listed in the powerlisting wikia with LOTS of abilities but as a rookie, she CANNOT have so many of them. You'll need to remove two or three, but preferably stick to just one. The moon orbs one to send people flying is a bit too overpowered.
Origins
I'm going to sound really crass for saying this, but the occurrence is far too fairytale, and slightly ridiculous. Of course we all usually come up with the strangest origins, but you listed yours as a MUTATION, which usually indicates something science-y happening. A rainbow moon and falling "stars" has about zero scientific backing, especially since we're talking about THE moon (which is really a giant rock in the sky).
The one way you could explain this away is of course, using a god/goddess as a reason things are turning rainbow, but that's off limits. Otherwise, you're going to have to find some way to explain WHY the moon is suddenly rainbow. And stars in the sky are actually gigantic planet sized objects that are lightyears away from Megapolis. Maybe what you were trying to say was a meteor? Also the changes that the meteor/star, uh... bestowed upon her, like extra development and stuff, is there a reason why you decided this needs to happen?
Motivations
I am really confused by what you wrote. At 16, she's utterly terrified of going to the school when they asked her because she thought they might do tests and whatnot on her, and then suddenly one year later, she still goes anyway still thinking they will do tests on her? Where did her fear disappear to? Also, you said companies might want to exploit her for her powers. So... just how many people know she has powers already? Her immediate family? Her town? The whole city??? And how do they know she has powers? Was it in the news?
So from what I can gather, her motivation is like a mix between "I can't stand my parents (her father too?)", "I want to be special", "I want to use my powers in the open", and "I wanna kick butts". All of this isn't bad, but it still cannot explain away why her fear that SA might do tests on her, and the initial reason for her one year delay, is suddenly gone.
Personality
idk about you, but her solemness is kind of at odds with the sweet/charming trait for me.
She also hates when people are honest to her or others since she feels its not their job but hers.
Okay woah is she a hypocrite? She believes its better to tell the truth, but she hates it when people tell the truth? Please try not to make a character like this because she'll only be disliked. Unless universal dislike for her is what you were after in the first place.
Cautious. Ever since she got this power she always felt she was being watched or different. Felt like if she told they would disown her or take her away.
Again, how many people know about her powers exactly??? On one hand you're writing as though her powers are a secret only she knows, and yet there seem to be people who know about it? Or is she just extremely paranoid after she got her powers lol.......
Strengths
Her power makes her a great at her job at the observatory because she has studied the moon and space very hard and now she is able to control it
Careful, she doesn't actually control THE moon. Also what exactly do her newfound powers have to do with helping her at work?
She is very truthful attracting people to and from her
What? I don't understand this
۰She can predict wave patterns
Tidal wave patterns right?
as well as give and have great sleep
... so she can put people to sleep too?
Overall
Her powers are really cool so far, almost like a direct opposite with sunny boy Straffe actually! You have some ideas going there but you have a lot of kinks you need to work out. Her origins is the most problematic because really, mutation is more like... Spiderman style origins, or the Hulk, yanno? I hope I was more useful than rambly and GL with your quest! * U*b
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Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2011 8:47 am
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Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2011 7:52 pm
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When you put things in tiny font and don't break them up into paragraphs, it becomes hard to read. I'm going to warn you of that right off the bat.
Okay, so she is scared of people watching her? Any reason why? It sounds like she knows she has her powers before she does. Or she just has a paranoid personality, which is pretty unhealthy. As for the ability to predict moon cycles and the such...aren't those pretty standard? I'm just guessing, but since I have a calendar that was printed last year for next year, and they have the moon cycles included into it. I imagine it's a pretty standard 20-something day cycle.
You can't be seventeen. You haven't given a convincing reason why we should bend the rules. We already have teachers that are only 18. So you're going to have to push back the time frame where she gets her powers-->discovers she has them-->convinces herself to go. But we need a good reason, not just because that's the age you want to be. 15 isn't a very young age at all, though that's what you say when she gets the powers. Maybe give her the powers when she's 10 or something.
I don't think the moon is bright enough to blind people. Ever. So even if she can bend it into someone's eyes, it's not going to be any worse for someone's night vision than if they had stared right into a full moon--which has never blinded me yet. In general, her powers have a lacking sense of believability. Orbs with moon powers...she manipulating light and gravity. If you want her to manipulate moon light, perhaps have her be able to concentrate the light given off from the moon (even though, itself is a reflection of light shown on it) into moon orbs that are merely super concentrated light. Maybe they can still hurt the way an energy blast can. But if she was my character, I think I'd give her this power:
Light refraction. She can direct light, but only from the moon. With a lot of concentration, she can trap them into energy balls, but it wears her out. (Otherwise, she's too powerful.)
Maybe come the next stage, she can amplify it or something.
But as far as I know, we weren't contributing any mystic powers to the moon. So while something like that could work in Sailor Moon...not so much here. From her power origins, maybe her hands gain a physical mutation to reflect light (which is all the moon does, too). And it's in later stages she can do more than just bend the light where she wants it to go. She can still have her "sense" about the moon, I suppose.
Also, the SA isn't Hogwarts. We don't know you have a power if you don't. Or don't show it in more than having a good sense of things.
Her body mass index isn't lean, it's severely underweight. Please do better research on this.
She also has a necklace that stores moonlight? Please pick one source of power. That seems like a tack on to cancel out her weakness.
Personally, unless you want it to be more like Monsters vs. Aliens (where she was hit with a radioactive meteorite and only had the power of being huge), I might suggest picking a different theme for her. The moon can be a cool motif (like Zax, my character, has a bit of a genie motif, even if it has nothing to do with his origin), but it's lacking in credibility as an origin. My best guess is you want the powers of energy orbs to blast people with, not light reflection/refraction. So she can still call her amulet a moon rock, but perhaps she needs to have been blasted with radioactive energy from space.
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Posted: Thu Dec 29, 2011 8:08 pm
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Quote: Okay, so she is scared of people watching her? Any reason why? It sounds like she knows she has her powers before she does. Or she just has a paranoid personality, which is pretty unhealthy. As for the ability to predict moon cycles and the such...aren't those pretty standard? I'm just guessing, but since I have a calendar that was printed last year for next year, and they have the moon cycles included into it. I imagine it's a pretty standard 20-something day cycle.
well she was in the hospital for a long time in and out seeing her father and so they had him being watched by nurses 24/7 so she always knew to be careful what to say since you have people around you watching you to make sure her father was alright but it bugged her even more because she had gotten her powers and with so many people around she is hoping they aren't suspicious thats what i mean't not . I mean at the time she didn't know she had powers but once she got them and all after being in an environment where people were watching her father she felt that people could be watching her too. If that even makes sense
Quote: You can't be seventeen. You haven't given a convincing reason why we should bend the rules. Maybe give her the powers when she's 10 or something.
ok well with out convincing you could she have entered at a young age but be a certain age now? like entered at 10 but be 17 or 16?. and now with some convincing- ok well her mom is very busy with work and she isn't home a lot and doesn't seem to care much about her family. So over the years luna has felt the need to step up and kind of be that motherly figure for her mom and be the care taker for her brother and since her brother is young and father at home still recovering from his injury she kind of has stepped up and now that she has been asked to go to the academy she is kind of torn between her family and kind of this want or need to face the fact that she is special and can go great things. Also she kind of has this special connection with her dad so leaving him is quite hard for her, and her dad is the one to encourage her to go(i that part wasn't clearer earlier).
Quote: perhaps have her be able to concentrate the light given off from the moon (even though, itself is a reflection of light shown on it) into moon orbs that are merely super concentrated light. Maybe they can still hurt the way an energy blast can. But if she was my character, I think I'd give her this power: Light refraction. She can direct light, but only from the moon. With a lot of concentration, she can trap them into energy balls, but it wears her out. (Otherwise, she's too powerful.) Maybe come the next stage, she can amplify it or something.
ok that actually sounds cool um i do know that the whole blinding people thing is not believable. So her light refraction thing i understand so during the day time would she still be able to use the light of is that good just at night cause i think just at night, and she would only be able to make mini moons and maybe maybe use lunar energy but she will have to train in close combat. Also when she becomes a hero would it be best to add maybe one or two more abilities?
Quote: From her power origins, maybe her hands gain a physical mutation to reflect light (which is all the moon does, too). And it's in later stages she can do more than just bend the light where she wants it to go. She can still have her "sense" about the moon, I suppose.
ok thank you though for the Critique i found it very helpful
She also has a necklace that stores moonlight? Please pick one source of power. That seems like a tack on to cancel out her weakness. |
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Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2011 5:21 am
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16, tops. That's the rule. Your reason for being older doesn't add to the character, it's just reasoning you've presented. She can have entered at 16, but that's the oldest. So she can have discovered her powers at 15 and decided to wait a year, but since you have her so old, you may regret it later. The reason we try to keep the characters young in the rookie stage is so they can grow as both characters and heroes in the next few "years" of RP. She'll need to chalk up experience.
I still don't understand why she's paranoid. Is she paranoid of everyone with authority? Not just nurses, but teachers, police, etc?
As for everything else you said...um, I'm not trying to be rude. But I can't follow what you're saying. So I can't figure out if you're agreeing with me or countering with me. You need to slow down and make sure you're using the right words so that others can follow. Sometimes I feel you mean "wouldn't" when you've said "would" and stuff like that. Since it's two very different meanings, I don't want to comment.
Also, I'm not letting that weight issue go. Please add some weight onto her frame.
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