Confessional

[M00nbat]

Oral Steering Wheel

I find that what I want out of life is comfort. Call it bad luck, bad karma in a past life, or just terrible coincidences, but I feel like I've never been given a break. But I look at it closer, and I see that it's just my own doing, having been so screwed out of everything I could have had. Recognition is good; but that's not what I want though. I want to be able to do things just to say "I did that." and be proud of my accomplishments. Long ago, my first ever ambition, was to run my own business. A coffee shop or a bakery, or both if I could have it. Then I turned towards psychology, wanting to know about how people worked. Now, I aspire to be a journalist of some kind, writing to inform and to entertain. I've achieved none of these goals. Success to me is having done the deeds you say you want to do. Not acting on your desires and leaving things to sit make me feel useless.

Learning comes from mistakes; but it comes from doing things right, too. If the only thing you make is mistakes, you get comfortable with it. At least, that's how it feels to me. I've become complacent with my mistakes, and though I try to learn from them, I always make another, somehow. I want to break free of it, I'd love to do something right. But it's not the sort of thing that feels right to me anymore.

I find that I have no special talents. But that doesn't stop me from trying to find what I am good at. I do some things well, I do some poorly; but there's nothing that just clicks with me, nothing that holds up and just goes. At least, nothing I have found yet. I was never comfortable with being average.

I think I may be veering off course, though. I can't tell.

I think that maybe, what I'm trying to get across, is that I've never really been ready to face things as they are. I find solace in trying, but I've never found success because I'm too comfortable with simply trying. I try, and I let it fall because I made the attempt.

Admittedly, it may also be a good idea to take this lengthy debate elsewhere.

If you would like to start a personal thread or move to PM that is fine, but people are welcome to discuss in the "Confessional" and "Soapbox" threads if they feel comfortable. Sometimes it helps to get it all out in the open. That's why I will drop a short message in here from time to time, but more often I use my personal thread for day to day stuff.  

[Whiskey Sunshine]

Saew

If you would like to start a personal thread or move to PM that is fine, but people are welcome to discuss in the "Confessional" and "Soapbox" threads if they feel comfortable. Sometimes it helps to get it all out in the open. That's why I will drop a short message in here from time to time, but more often I use my personal thread for day to day stuff.

I'm fine with discussing this in the open. In fact, I feel more comfortable having people see it and know about me. I've had a weird, terrible life, and I've hidden away too many times already. I'd like to be known for a change.  

[M00nbat]

Oral Steering Wheel

I'm fine with discussing this in the open. In fact, I feel more comfortable having people see it and know about me. I've had a weird, terrible life, and I've hidden away too many times already. I'd like to be known for a change.

That's the lovely thing about the internet, you'll eventually find a group of people who accept you. Not saying that this little guild is a circus. In fact, it can be rather quiet. When it does get busy, I think I'm half of what's causing the ruckus sweatdrop Yet, Mame still lets me help out around here from time to time.

So, jumping back a couple posts to get back on the train of thought you had before. It sounds like you had many different vocations you wanted to try your hand at, but never got around to actually applying yourself. What is stopping you now? Aside from the obvious need to be in a hospital stare  

[Whiskey Sunshine]

Saew

That's the lovely thing about the internet, you'll eventually find a group of people who accept you. Not saying that this little guild is a circus. In fact, it can be rather quiet. When it does get busy, I think I'm half of what's causing the ruckus sweatdrop Yet, Mame still lets me help out around here from time to time.

So, jumping back a couple posts to get back on the train of thought you had before. It sounds like you had many different vocations you wanted to try your hand at, but never got around to actually applying yourself. What is stopping you now? Aside from the obvious need to be in a hospital stare

I try and justify not doing anything by telling myself and others that I don't have the time, I don't have the energy, I don't have the motivation, I'm already doing something else. Usually, it's true, but sometimes I'm just too content to wallow in my own misery to do anything. Though a few things, such as taking up playing the bass, taking up photography, things like that require both time and money, and I really am lacking in both departments.

The things I have tried, as I said, I was simply happy to try; I never really applied myself to reach the pinnacle of whatever I was doing.  

[M00nbat]

Oral Steering Wheel

I try and justify not doing anything by telling myself and others that I don't have the time, I don't have the energy, I don't have the motivation, I'm already doing something else. Usually, it's true, but sometimes I'm just too content to wallow in my own misery to do anything. Though a few things, such as taking up playing the bass, taking up photography, things like that require both time and money, and I really am lacking in both departments.

The things I have tried, as I said, I was simply happy to try; I never really applied myself to reach the pinnacle of whatever I was doing.

Very few ever do reach a point of expertise in any subject. I have a fair working knowledge across a pretty broad array of things. Deeper in a few spots, and unfortunately, most of those don't have much practical application, but that is what caught my interest so I ran with it. You need to find something that you feel you can apply your as much as you seem to be missing in these other fields. I take it that music has been on your mind a lot lately?  

[Whiskey Sunshine]

Saew

Oral Steering Wheel

I try and justify not doing anything by telling myself and others that I don't have the time, I don't have the energy, I don't have the motivation, I'm already doing something else. Usually, it's true, but sometimes I'm just too content to wallow in my own misery to do anything. Though a few things, such as taking up playing the bass, taking up photography, things like that require both time and money, and I really am lacking in both departments.

The things I have tried, as I said, I was simply happy to try; I never really applied myself to reach the pinnacle of whatever I was doing.

Very few ever do reach a point of expertise in any subject. I have a fair working knowledge across a pretty broad array of things. Deeper in a few spots, and unfortunately, most of those don't have much practical application, but that is what caught my interest so I ran with it. You need to find something that you feel you can apply your as much as you seem to be missing in these other fields. I take it that music has been on your mind a lot lately?

Backstory time. Back when I had still been going to see a psychiatrist for any reason at all, we decided to run a few tests. I had mentioned that music was as much a part of living as food and water. We devised how to test it, including deprivation and total inclusion. It turns out, that if I go without any form of music for more than 24 hours, I begin to grow irritable, lethargic, and unfriendly. After four days, I reach anti-social, paranoid and potentially violent. At the other end, music constantly, no matter the situation, I perform better in anything I do, I'm more open, friendly, and energetic. To me, music is a psychological addiction, and it's actually pretty dangerous to leave me without it. Running with that, though, since I listen to so much music all the time, I'm always seeking new things to listen to. My musical library grows and morphs of it's own accord depending on what I've just discovered. I listen to my mp3 player every chance I get at work, I listen to it on the commute, and I run winamp constantly linked to my TV so I can get audio properly. No speakers, you see. At least, when I'm not browsing youtube for something new.

I have a list. A pretty big list. A list that grows every time I discover or hear of something. It's a list of all the bands that I want to listen to, to see if I like them or not. This list is over a thousand items strong and it grows nearly every week. I add bands that I like and know, and very rarely do I ever have to erase a band simply because it's not something I like. In less than a month, since I had lost my old MP3 Player and my old library, my library has grown in a completely different direction, encompassing another 20 bands that I hadn't listened to before. I love them all, too.

Personally, I've always wanted to take up playing bass as a hobby, or even taking it further into a career of sorts. I don't know why I prefer bass over guitar, or anything else for that matter. I can sing, but I've never really had much practice, so my tone will jump ranges sometimes. But... I don't know. I like the fact that some bands can take what too many people take for granted as a way to keep rhythm and make it the leading tune for a song. Turn it into a strong lead and run with it. And despite the fact that it seems simpler, it's just as complex and intricate as any guitar. That, and the tones you can get from a good tune and the right filters, it's like audio gold.  

[M00nbat]

Oral Steering Wheel

Well, how about asking this question, if you had the bass and all the gear that goes with it, would you be able to make the time to learn it?  

[Whiskey Sunshine]

Saew

Oral Steering Wheel

Well, how about asking this question, if you had the bass and all the gear that goes with it, would you be able to make the time to learn it?

Absolutely. It's one of the few things I have been intent on for as long as I could remember. At least, from the point when I was intent on doing typical kid stuff before high school. It's something that I am so set on, nothing can change my opinion. I have varied, yes, sometimes thinking of perhaps a contra bass, or a five-string bass, but for the most part, my ultimate side-goal is to learn bass and possibly, in the long of things, play in a band, and make some music.  

[M00nbat]

Oral Steering Wheel

Absolutely. It's one of the few things I have been intent on for as long as I could remember. At least, from the point when I was intent on doing typical kid stuff before high school. It's something that I am so set on, nothing can change my opinion. I have varied, yes, sometimes thinking of perhaps a contra bass, or a five-string bass, but for the most part, my ultimate side-goal is to learn bass and possibly, in the long of things, play in a band, and make some music.

Well, if you figure out how much you need, you can set up an account with Goalmine, then kick a bit in from each check. Friends and family can donate to it directly too if you give them the number. Or, if I remember right, they can order a gift card to load into it, essentially the same thing. I heard of people setting them up for buying cars and houses, learning to play bass shouldn't be a huge problem.  

[Whiskey Sunshine]

Saew

Well, if you figure out how much you need, you can set up an account with Goalmine, then kick a bit in from each check. Friends and family can donate to it directly too if you give them the number. Or, if I remember right, they can order a gift card to load into it, essentially the same thing. I heard of people setting them up for buying cars and houses, learning to play bass shouldn't be a huge problem.

$200 for a good used bass, maybe an extra $20 for a used 20 watt amp, and getting a good bass pedal for the right kind of sound will run me around another $70-$100 brand new. So, I'm looking at the contents of 2/3 of one paycheck. I've been trying to set aside money here and there, but things keep coming up. Such as having to drop another $80 to replace my old player, another $15 on new earphones, and just now getting sick again and losing more hours. It might be a bit before I really get anything.  

[M00nbat]

Oral Steering Wheel

$200 for a good used bass, maybe an extra $20 for a used 20 watt amp, and getting a good bass pedal for the right kind of sound will run me around another $70-$100 brand new. So, I'm looking at the contents of 2/3 of one paycheck. I've been trying to set aside money here and there, but things keep coming up. Such as having to drop another $80 to replace my old player, another $15 on new earphones, and just now getting sick again and losing more hours. It might be a bit before I really get anything.

Just wanted to point out something that might help you get on the road to that bass.  

[Whiskey Sunshine]

I realized just now what I am spectacularly good at, and there's actually nothing I can do about it right now other than look at books and churn out text.

I can't believe I actually kept forgetting how much I loved DnD 3.5 And the fact that I have a folio with over 40 new and variant monsters, 6 extra races, dozens of magical items and new spells, maps at local, dungeon, and regional levels, plot lines, about twenty common use NPCs and just about everything else under the sun related to DnD. Looking at it again, I realize that I am basically a god of game rules. It's amazingly easy for me to play the balance of the game and put out something appropriate and useable immediately. The fact that it only took me two hours to put out the simple rules for the Ponies is hint enough, especially since the descriptions took the longest of it. Recalling facts from the show, doing the discourse, and doing up the samples were the easiest parts.

And I know why I totally let it fall to ruin. There's no one locally I can just get together with and start up a campaign with. And it's surprisingly difficult online, since it's time constraints for everyone.

I'd actually use MapTool, but that's a little bit complex to use to set up properly, though it is more than worth it when you have a well-designed map and tile set.

Oh well. Carry on.