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*Mature Content, Readers discretion advised.


The Harry Potter books according to Draco Malfoy...
1. Draco Malfoy and the Rejected Handshake
2. Draco Malfoy and the Better-than-Potter’s Broomstick
3. Draco Malfoy and Hagrid’s Bloody Chicken
4. Draco Malfoy and the Year His Father Would Hear About
5. Draco Malfoy and the Inquisitorial Squad
6. Draco Malfoy and the Vanishing Cabinet
7. Draco Malfoy and the Year He Realized He Had Been a Douchebag


The Harry Potter Books according to Hermione Granger...
1. Hermione Granger and the Levi-OH-sa.
2. Hermione Granger and the turning into a cat then getting petrified.
3. Hermione Granger and the art of overachieving.
4. Hermione Granger and the fact that boys suddenly love her.
5. Hermione Granger and bickering with Ron.
6. Hermione Granger and the b***h named Lavender Brown.
7. Hermione Granger and the reluctant falling for Ron Weasley.


The Harry Potter Books according to Sirius Black...
1. Sirius Black and the prison fun.
2. Sirius Black and the prison fun.
3. Sirius Black and the reunited with my werewolf boyfriend.
4. Sirius Black and the playtime fun with my werewolf boyfriend.
5. Sirius Black and the who is this girl hitting on my werewolf boyfriend I should. kill her but I die have fun with my werewolf boyfriend you b***h.
6. Sirius Black and the I am dead.


The Harry Potter Books according to Severus Snape...
1. Severus Snape and the year I had to keep that little kid from getting killed by Quirrel .
2. Severus Snape and the year I had to keep that little kid from getting killed by a book.
3. Severus Snape and the year I had to keep that little kid from getting killed by a ******** dog.
4. Severus Snape and the year I had to keep that little kid from getting killed by the former rat.
5. Severus Snape and the year I had to keep that little kid from getting killed by Umbridge.
6. Severus Snape and the year I had to keep that little kid from getting killed by the other death eaters.
7. Severus Snape and the year I died trying to keep that little kid safe.


The Harry Potter Books according to Ron Weasley...
1. Ron Weasley and the ******** Three Headed Dog.
2. Ron Weasley and the Possessed Sister.
3. Ron Weasley and the Rat That Isn’t A Rat.
4. Ron Weasley and the Green Monster of Jealousy.
5. Ron Weasley and the Year of Quidditch.
6. Ron Weasley and the Girl Drama.
7. Ron Weasley and the Wooing of Hermione Granger.


The Harry Potter Books according to Voldemort...
1. Lord Voldemort and that time I picked the wrong head to chill on.
2. Lord Voldemort and that time he killed my snake.
3. Lord Voldemort and the time I was not around.
4. Lord Voldemort and that time I killed some spare.
5. Lord Voldemort and the time I hung out in the Ministry.
6. Lord Voldemort and that time that I wasn’t there but Snape Killed Dumbledore.
7. Lord Voldemort and the time he and his friends kicked my a**.


The Harry Potter Books according to Dumbledore...
1. Dumbledore and the Oh s**t He’s at Hogwarts Now.
2. Dumbledore and the Oh s**t Tom Riddle’s at it Again.
3. Dumbledore and the I Am Totally Allowing Two Teenagers To Save A Convicted Murderer Even Though I Don’t Know For Sure He’s Innocent.
4. Dumbledore and the DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIYAH?
5. Dumbledore and the Harry’s Angsty, Time to Leave Him Alone.
6. Dumbledore and the I’ll Have Secret Lessons with Harry While I Wait for My Cursed Hand to Kill Me.
7. Dumbledore and the Wait, You Guys Aren’t Supposed to Know About My Past.