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| Does this contest suck? |
| Yes? |
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18% |
[ 17 ] |
| No? |
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37% |
[ 34 ] |
| Your giving out gold so who cares? |
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43% |
[ 40 ] |
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| Total Votes : 91 |
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 Posted: Sun Dec 12, 2010 4:51 pm
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Posted: Sun Dec 12, 2010 7:21 pm
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Posted: Sun Dec 12, 2010 8:48 pm
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Posted: Mon Dec 13, 2010 9:41 pm
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I have a few jokes
There were once three chinese men named Bu, Chu and Fu. They came to America and decided to Americanize their names. Bu became Buck, Chu became Chuck, and Fu went back to china.
A lady once had a small daughter named Elizabeth. Often because Elizabeth was so young her mom spoke to her like "pwetty pwincess" instead of "pretty princess". When she took her older toddlers to the store to get Elizabeth a necklace, she found one and asked to her kids behind her "Isn't dis perrfect for da pwetty pwincess?" She then noticed it wasn't her kids who she talked to but another adult shopper who just stared at her!
Things to do at a Hotel
1. In a crowded elevator, stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting bigger!"
2. At the hotels pool, start splashing around and screaming "PIRANHAS!!"
3. In a different elevator, pull your gum out slowly in long strings.
Things to do at a Mall
1. At the candy store, search for your "lost contacts" in a bucket of mints.
2. Mourn the death of your best friend in a Christian shop while shouting death proverbs from every religion except Christianity.
3. Say "trick or treat" at random kids on Halloween.
4. Sell some cheaper food at the food corner. Used food should be cheaper, right?
Santa Claus is a *****. Otherwise why would he watch the kids always, even when they're getting dressed??
OK I suck with comedy but I hope I made you laugh a little at least
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Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2010 4:23 am
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Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2010 2:27 pm
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Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2010 2:37 pm
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Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2010 3:42 pm
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Posted: Wed Dec 15, 2010 2:10 pm
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Posted: Wed Dec 15, 2010 4:22 pm
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redpandalvr99 Okay, there is a big brother and a little brother, and they have bunk-beds. The little brother on bottom, older on top. One night, the older brother has his girlfriend in his bunk and they're "having fun" They don't want the little brother to know what they're doing so when he asked, they said "making a sandwich" Lettuce = slower Tomato = faster so the girlfriend is saying "Tomato! Tomato!" And the little brother says: "Stop splashing mayonayse on my face!"
xD thats cruddy |
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Posted: Wed Dec 15, 2010 4:23 pm
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Posted: Fri Dec 17, 2010 1:53 pm
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HaruKiller Uh lets see how do i introuduce myself well im Haru first of all
I like giving out gold so ill have monthly competitions and well i just started so i think ill start averagely smallContest: I enjoy laughing so whoever can make me laugh the most before the hm......... Christmas wins 50k gold runner up gets 20k and 3rd place 10k biggrin Oh and remeber be nice everyone biggrin
i did'nt know if this'll gonna be fun
At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn’t know gave me anything. I said "Even the people I know don’t give me anything".
Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.
Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
Two thieves break into a bank in the middle of the night and open a safe. There is only some yogurt, but no money. They taste the yogurt. It's tainted.
The men open the next safe. There is some yogurt too, it tastes much better but again - no money.
The thieves take on another safe. And there's yogurt again.
"John, why don't you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!" says one to the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and nutritious this time.
A couple of minutes later in comes John.
"It is definitely a bank!"
"What exactly did the sign say?"
"The Sperm Bank of Ohio!""
Little Boy returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
BOY: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6."
Father: "But that's right!"
BOY: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'"
Father:"What's the ******** difference?" asks the father.
BOY: "That's what I said!"
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin.
Why It's Important to Listen Carefully
Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.
"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."
Thick Walls Make Good Neighbors
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? How's it work?"
"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"
Q: How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
Bob couldn't believe it -- he'd made it to the last round of his favorite game show. "Congratulations, Bob," said the emcee. "Answer correctly and you go home with five million dollars!
"This is a two-part question on American history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?"
Bob figured he'd play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first."
The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation.
"Okay, Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
(did someone get it??)
Do you know about the two TV antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.
Business Opportunities
What will people do for $5? Quite a bit, according to posts on fiverr.com.
I will make up your mind for you for $5.
I will be your Internet boyfriend for a week for $5.
I will clean my room for $5.
I will listen to your side of the story for $5.
I will tell you if you look fat in those jeans for $5.
I will say anything for you in a nearly perfect Gollum (Lord of the Rings) voice for $5.
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "A Baker??"
a stranger was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" he didn’t know what to say. So he said yes. he stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
juans sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine????????????? ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Two dinners!
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...
Sid was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now."
A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?"
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the lette
I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking."
I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves
Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on.
Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport.
In football you wear a helmet; in baseball you wear a cap. Football is concerned with downs; baseball is concerned with ups. In football you receive a penalty; in baseball you make an error. In football the specialist comes in to kick; in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
sorry if it's not funny but.... thank you for reading! |
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Posted: Fri Dec 17, 2010 6:05 pm
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Posted: Sat Dec 18, 2010 6:04 pm
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Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 5:46 am
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