My Mate

[ShadowCatSoul]

I love my mate dearly, he's great to me, but he always seems so tormented. He says it's because of the path he follows, but he doesn't usually go into detail about it. Part of it is because he can't find the words to articulate it correctly and part is because he's been so hurt throughout life that he doesn't know if he can trust me with too much information. Idk what to do. Well, ok, I guess the obvious answer is to just stop asking, but it's frustrating. Frustrating to see that he's always in pain and there's nothing I, or anyone else can do about it. The only thing I know about his path is that he says he follows a goddess of death and that he seems to feel that it's responsibility to take care of the few people he actually cares about in life. I'm mated to a business man who's a geek and seems to have multiple personalities and follows a goddess of death. He gets periods when he goes so cold it's like I can't find him anywhere inside, even when I look in his eyes. Like he's not there anymore, it's something else entirely. This can last anywhere from a few moments to a few days. Then it's like he's the greatest man in the world. Is he crazy or am I just thinking too much about it? Grr, I'm having trouble articulating my own thoughts right now. Sorry if a lot of this doesn't make sense.  

[maenad nuri]

If you feel that there is a problem emotionally or what have you, encourage him to seek out therapy, if this is possible for him.

When you say he "goes cold", what do you really mean by that? Is a temper thing? Do you get scared? etc.  

[AniMajor]

It sounds a lot like an anger issue, like he's not dealing with his anger properly.  

[ShadowCatSoul]

I don't fear for my life and I don't think he's really crazy or anything. I believe that he has a seperate set of beliefs than I do but isn't sure how to discuss it with me and I do believe that he has issues from his past that he has problems dealing with to this day. When he "goes cold" he's like a different person all together. It's like he has no emotion, no care for anyone or anything. I know he wouldn't hurt me, but in those periods I'm afraid that if I say or do the wrong thing it might mean the end of our relationship. He's more precise, more literal, quick tempered in that state. He has like 2 or 3 sides to him and he goes through those "changes" so fast sometimes it's like whiplash trying to sort them out and determine which one's which and how to handle each seperate one. I love him and I love being with him, but I've never been in a relationship with a man like this before and it takes some getting used to. I don't think suggesting mental help would be healthy for the relationship. Especially since he was forced into a mental hospital when he was only 15. He has problems with his hair being pulled and bondage because of it. Not that I think he needs it anyway. I feel bad for him sometimes.  

[Brass Bell Doll]

I feel that both of you should seek counseling. When you are feeling hurt because of the condition of the relationship, expecting him to change in order to provide relief isn't treating him as his own person with his own boundaries- but since his expectations of you are harming you, then he needs guidance as well.

Whatever the issues are in your relationship- they need to be explored and solutions need to be found.

I also do not feel that the role of deities would justify the hallmarks of emotional abuse you describe. Some of my dearest friends are Death Midwives- people who serve the pagan community by fostering rites of passage for those departing. They are joyful well adjusted people who serve their gods well. After all, even the god of Wicca is a god of death- and having spent time doing shots at festivals with some Alexandrians, I can honestly say this has not caused them to be cold.  

[ShadowCatSoul]

Brass Bell Doll

I feel that both of you should seek counseling. When you are feeling hurt because of the condition of the relationship, expecting him to change in order to provide relief isn't treating him as his own person with his own boundaries- but since his expectations of you are harming you, then he needs guidance as well.

Whatever the issues are in your relationship- they need to be explored and solutions need to be found.

I also do not feel that the role of deities would justify the hallmarks of emotional abuse you describe. Some of my dearest friends are Death Midwives- people who serve the pagan community by fostering rites of passage for those departing. They are joyful well adjusted people who serve their gods well. After all, even the god of Wicca is a god of death- and having spent time doing shots at festivals with some Alexandrians, I can honestly say this has not caused them to be cold.

Neither of us are looking to seek counseling. Anyway, I'm not sure I understand the first part of your post.  

[Brass Bell Doll]

ShadowCatSoul

I don't fear for my life and I don't think he's really crazy or anything.

If there is no concern for mental illness, would you be willing to avoid hyperbole that degrades those who do suffer out of respect please?

ShadowCatSoul

I believe that he has a seperate set of beliefs than I do but isn't sure how to discuss it with me and I do believe that he has issues from his past that he has problems dealing with to this day. When he "goes cold" he's like a different person all together. It's like he has no emotion, no care for anyone or anything. I know he wouldn't hurt me, but in those periods I'm afraid that if I say or do the wrong thing it might mean the end of our relationship.

Please understand, my observations aren't a diagnosis, but it sounds a great deal like either disassociation or emotional withholding. Perhaps even a combination of the two.

ShadowCatSoul

He's more precise, more literal, quick tempered in that state. He has like 2 or 3 sides to him and he goes through those "changes" so fast sometimes it's like whiplash trying to sort them out and determine which one's which and how to handle each seperate one. I love him and I love being with him, but I've never been in a relationship with a man like this before and it takes some getting used to. I don't think suggesting mental help would be healthy for the relationship. Especially since he was forced into a mental hospital when he was only 15. He has problems with his hair being pulled and bondage because of it. Not that I think he needs it anyway. I feel bad for him sometimes.

Unfortunately, while people can suffer bad experiences upon being institutionalized, that does not mean that therapy isn't a valid and even necessary form of treatment- and part of a healthy relationship is the commitment from both parties to do what is needed to maintain it. If action isn't taken, those frustrations you feel are going to fester until the emotional backlash from both of you destroys the relationship at best- at worst, someone could be seriously injured.  

[Brass Bell Doll]

ShadowCatSoul

Neither of us are looking to seek counseling.

I am afraid I do not see this resolving if you are both unwilling to do what it would take to be in a relationship free of the problems which pain you.

ShadowCatSoul

Anyway, I'm not sure I understand the first part of your post.

Within relationship psychology, one of the foundations is Expectations. What we expect from our loved ones comes from previous personal experiences, social roles and personal ideals. Abusive relationships develop when hurt feelings arise because expectations are not being met and the lack of them being fulfilled isn't explored or satisfied.  

[ShadowCatSoul]

Brass Bell Doll

ShadowCatSoul

I don't fear for my life and I don't think he's really crazy or anything.

If there is no concern for mental illness, would you be willing to avoid hyperbole that degrades those who do suffer out of respect please?

ShadowCatSoul

I believe that he has a seperate set of beliefs than I do but isn't sure how to discuss it with me and I do believe that he has issues from his past that he has problems dealing with to this day. When he "goes cold" he's like a different person all together. It's like he has no emotion, no care for anyone or anything. I know he wouldn't hurt me, but in those periods I'm afraid that if I say or do the wrong thing it might mean the end of our relationship.

Please understand, my observations aren't a diagnosis, but it sounds a great deal like either disassociation or emotional withholding. Perhaps even a combination of the two.

ShadowCatSoul

He's more precise, more literal, quick tempered in that state. He has like 2 or 3 sides to him and he goes through those "changes" so fast sometimes it's like whiplash trying to sort them out and determine which one's which and how to handle each seperate one. I love him and I love being with him, but I've never been in a relationship with a man like this before and it takes some getting used to. I don't think suggesting mental help would be healthy for the relationship. Especially since he was forced into a mental hospital when he was only 15. He has problems with his hair being pulled and bondage because of it. Not that I think he needs it anyway. I feel bad for him sometimes.

Unfortunately, while people can suffer bad experiences upon being institutionalized, that does not mean that therapy isn't a valid and even necessary form of treatment- and part of a healthy relationship is the commitment from both parties to do what is needed to maintain it. If action isn't taken, those frustrations you feel are going to fester until the emotional backlash from both of you destroys the relationship at best- at worst, someone could be seriously injured.

There's no risk for anyone being seriously injured, he has too much self control and techniques for that. I believe that counseling would be an insult to him because of his past, and in any case I'm against it anyway. I'm not worried for myself, I'm worried about how to better communicate with him. I want to know how I can get him to open up better to me.  

[Brass Bell Doll]

ShadowCatSoul

There's no risk for anyone being seriously injured, he has too much self control and techniques for that.

I feel that there is always a risk when people maintain unhealthy situations- if nothing else the stress can build up and create psychotic breaks. Otherwise calm, collected people have their limits broken and their mind goes elsewhere while their body lashes out at the source of their stress- sometimes it is an inanimate object which takes the place of the people in their lives- sometimes not.

Please understand this is not a judgment of character. This is not about someone being a "good" person or a "bad" person. This is about what happens when people have more thrust upon them than they have the ability to cope with. If you're already seeing a pattern of coping mechanisms where his personality shifts and those actions are hurting you- then you are already a target of an unhealthy coping mechanism. It needs to be replaced with a healthy one.

ShadowCatSoul

I believe that counseling would be an insult to him because of his past, and in any case I'm against it anyway. I'm not worried for myself, I'm worried about how to better communicate with him. I want to know how I can get him to open up better to me.

Couples Counseling and Anger Management courses teach these things. I feel that there is too much emotion being invested in the source- and as a result, you are calling out for the very thing I and others have recommended, but because of the emotional associations with words like therapy, you're turning away from the very thing you asked for.

If that is your choice, I can understand it, and I'll pray that the title of the aid does not prevent you both from getting the help you need.  

[Bastemhet]

Have you tried telling him exactly what you said in the first post yourself?  

[ShadowCatSoul]

Bastemhet

Have you tried telling him exactly what you said in the first post yourself?

I don't know if any of you have ever noticed or not, but I'm not exactly the most articulate person around. And he's very big on articulation and politeness and etc. I'm afraid what I want to say will come out wrong and he'll take it offensively or as judgemental or whatever. I don't want to lose him. I'm being extremely careful since we're still in the early stages of our relationship.  

[Brass Bell Doll]

ShadowCatSoul

Bastemhet

Have you tried telling him exactly what you said in the first post yourself?

I don't know if any of you have ever noticed or not, but I'm not exactly the most articulate person around. And he's very big on articulation and politeness and etc. I'm afraid what I want to say will come out wrong and he'll take it offensively or as judgemental or whatever. I don't want to lose him. I'm being extremely careful since we're still in the early stages of our relationship.

I feel it is worth noting that the threat of withholding affection over a miscommunication made while trying to resolve a problem is a form of emotional abuse.  

[Bastemhet]

ShadowCatSoul

Bastemhet

Have you tried telling him exactly what you said in the first post yourself?

I don't know if any of you have ever noticed or not, but I'm not exactly the most articulate person around. And he's very big on articulation and politeness and etc. I'm afraid what I want to say will come out wrong and he'll take it offensively or as judgemental or whatever. I don't want to lose him. I'm being extremely careful since we're still in the early stages of our relationship.

I think it's very important that you be able to truthfully communicate with each other, no matter what point of the relationship you're at. He won't know if he's hurting your feelings or bothering you if you don't tell him. Being willing to communicate is part of what makes a healthy relationship. I recommend you figure out what it is you are being bothered by, and figure out what you need him to do in order for you two to have your personal needs fulfilled and have a good relationship. I would also invite him to tell you his piece as well, because it's both your responsibility to make the relationship work. You should note that there is a difference between personality traits, and modifiable behavior. If he simply refuses to modify some behaviors that bother you, I would think about whether you see this relationship being healthy for your emotional well being in the long run. Here are some good tips on how to communicate.

My boyfriend and I have gotten along really well for the past four years. We do have some arguments but part of what makes us strong is that we understand that even though sometimes we make each other angry, that doesn't mean we will abandon each other. It's simply part of human relationships. It is unhealthy to expect that we will never argue or have disagreements. The important thing is that we always have respect for each other, which includes hearing each other out if we have some complaints, and never raising our voice or name calling. We also try to figure out solutions that work for both of us. Does that sound like something you two could do?  

[AniMajor]

ShadowCatSoul

I don't know if any of you have ever noticed or not, but I'm not exactly the most articulate person around. And he's very big on articulation and politeness and etc. I'm afraid what I want to say will come out wrong and he'll take it offensively or as judgemental or whatever. I don't want to lose him. I'm being extremely careful since we're still in the early stages of our relationship.

You could always write it down and go over it until you're satisfied that you're clear and articulate, and you're sure it's not going to be taken the wrong way. Then you either give him what you've written, or you memorize the key points so that you'll know what you're saying when you talk to him.