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 Posted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 1:25 pm
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Well before starting this I would like to say that this is all true and if you don't want to believe it then fine. But its true and please do not call me a liar.
January 4, 1994, 3:34am I was born. My parents weren't married, mom was 17. She would turn 18 in eight days. For the first 8 days of my life I lived in my grandma who I refer to as Gooma's house. Gooma is my mom's mother. She is a b***h. After that my mother moved in with my father at his parents house. They lived in Fort Myers, Florida. We lived there for three months before my parents got married. Mama and Papa, my father's parents did everything to help them out. Around age three my parents moved out and moved to Tampa where we bounced from house to house from apartment to apartment. When I was about 5 I started school as always. I couldn't read at all. I had to go to extra classes to learn. My mom started working out of town. It was just Dad and I. He was upset that I was so stupid. We lived in one house from age 5 till 8 which was the longest I had ever stayed in one place at the time. I had two friends, all I remember of them, one's name was Jack and he was black (not to be raciest but its all I remember), the other was Alexandrea, and she had a really well off family. She got me into cheerleading, but I was horrible. When I was 7, right when first grade ended. We moved across country to Dayton, Nevada.
I had very few friends, was made fun of, and on my 8th birthday, with my mom still out of town for work, she would leave monday morning and get home saturday night, I became the woman of the house. I cooked, I cleaned, I did the laundry, I cleaned up after the cats, I cleaned up after my dad, I did the dishes, I took care of the 5 cats and the fish and our one dog. With mother gone my father started to drink. As he got drunk his sense of what is what disappeared. When I was 8 and 3 months he beat me for the first time. It became regular. I got use to it. I'd just patch myself up and wait for him to pass out, then I'd put a pillow under his head and a blanket on his body. I loved my father even though he beat me. He called me names, ugly, gross, stupid, b*****d, ********, and things that I can not put on here, but I still loved him. When I was almost done with third grade I had a friend, Phillip Cerbony, Him and I would play during the day before father got home. The rule was I had to be inside when dad got home, on weekends I could go out until dark. One day I was out playing with him and his brother showed up. His brother whispered something in his ear. Phillip was older than I by a couple of years. They held me down and raped me. I screamed and cried. No one came to my rescue. They just kept doing it. They hit me, they cut me, and they took away my innocence. I was able to get in a few hits. When Phillip had finished I noticed he was crying. That was the last thing that was clear. I grabbed a rock and when his brother who's name I can't remember, I blocked it out of my mind, went to go again I slammed the rock into his balls crushing them, they bled. I got up and with the last of my strength I ran. I ran home. I got back after dark, when I got there my mom was home. They yelled at me. Mom left that night to go visit her friend, dad beat me worse than ever before. It was the worst night of my life. I told my mom what had happened but she said I was making stuff up. No one would do that to a innocent youth third grader she said. No one would hurt their own child she said. I got grounded for lying, and for being late. From then on I was a bomb exploding when someone would hit my buttons. The bullies laughed and my friends were worried. My non-blood sister Michelle was scared but she knew she was only allowed over if my mother was home.
Over the next few years I grew violent lashing out at anything that I could. My anger for my father and my disappointment in my life grew rapidly. In 7th grade my best friend Michelle left me to be with a guy who didn't like me. She just gave me a note that said I wasn't cool enough to be her friend anymore and her and I haven't talked since. Towards the end of 6th grade my father started getting high and he was worse when he was high. I knew what was going on but he wouldn't tell me he was doing drugs and my mother, who was still out of town most of the time, tried to hide it. When he was high he got horny and I was just starting to develop so guess who he took it out on. He had his friends over at the house. They would laugh and make fun of me. One night over the weekend when mom was home dad and her went out for their anniversary. They had their friend watch me. Following after what my father did he knocked me up. I miss carried the child later on. Mother never knew. Dad found out and got it taken care of. I still have nightmares.
I found out that mom had been cheating on dad with this man Scott. Scott was nice to me. After Michelle I had made new friends. Amanda and Sarah. Sarah understood my pain because something similar was happening with her step-dad and Amanda understood being alone. Her father had committed suicide when she was three.
My misery didn't end there. One day mother told me she was leaving my father and we would be leaving my home. I was 14. I finally had startedto have friends and deal with my endless anger.
I moved to this god awful place called Wilton. I have lived here with Gooma ever since. Her and I fight constantly. Mom and I have now realized that since we've been finally able to spend time together that we don't like eachother. I visit my dad twice a year and I've finally connected with my father. When he's sober I like him a lot. I've learned I'm a lot alike him and that scares me to no end. I've strayed away from drugs and alcoholic things because I saw what it did to my Dad. I'm a natural blonde but I dye my hair. I'm tall standing at 5'11''. I'm starting to fill out my body. I've got a big build. My mom is engaged to Scott and he still lives in California, he comes to visit once a month. I like him. Most of my friends don't know any of what I've said. I still consider myself a virgin and when people ask I say I am because it wasn't ever consented. I have mulitiple personalities that I've made to help deal with the pain. Like the voices in my head... Some say I'm crazy... I draw a lot. I normally draw them when I draw. Don't ask me how I know what they look like. I just know. They grow and develop as I do. THey change their look as often as I do too.
that is me. I know most of you probally won't read it or will think I'm lying. but whatever. its me
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Posted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 10:54 pm
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Much of what you said is powerful stuff, I, myself, believe every word of it. I can't believe that after you were raped, that your parents yelled at you for being late, I wonder how they didn't notice... I don't know how you ever forgave your dad, but I guess I forgave my mom countless times, I just gave up on forgiving. As for your multiple personalities, its a normal thing I think to have been through all that... Through the stuff I've been through I grew one too.
Nyx Johnson, a criminally insane thug. It's something I've made up, I believe, because I left that life behind, and I'm starting new.
Why do you and your grandma AKA "gooma" not get along so well
Don't worry, your not alone, I care.
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Posted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 11:51 pm
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Beautus Much of what you said is powerful stuff, I, myself, believe every word of it. I can't believe that after you were raped, that your parents yelled at you for being late, I wonder how they didn't notice... I don't know how you ever forgave your dad, but I guess I forgave my mom countless times, I just gave up on forgiving. As for your multiple personalities, its a normal thing I think to have been through all that... Through the stuff I've been through I grew one too. Nyx Johnson, a criminally insane thug. It's something I've made up, I believe, because I left that life behind, and I'm starting new. Why do you and your grandma AKA "gooma" not get along so well Don't worry, your not alone, I care.
Gooma and I got along for awhile... I would visit her everysummer. don't know why but I flew to stay with her every summer.one summer it was different though... she just... wasn't the same. well... I was 10... I don't know if it was that she wasn't the same or if it was that i just saw stuff differently. i guess it was both. i was never the same after the rape. i haven't been able to see the walls that people hide behind, i see things as they are, i see through the mask, i see clearly. and she wants to live this lie like everything is perfect and if its not perfect in her way then she just wants it to be gone. |
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Posted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 11:59 pm
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Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Much of what you said is powerful stuff, I, myself, believe every word of it. I can't believe that after you were raped, that your parents yelled at you for being late, I wonder how they didn't notice... I don't know how you ever forgave your dad, but I guess I forgave my mom countless times, I just gave up on forgiving. As for your multiple personalities, its a normal thing I think to have been through all that... Through the stuff I've been through I grew one too. Nyx Johnson, a criminally insane thug. It's something I've made up, I believe, because I left that life behind, and I'm starting new. Why do you and your grandma AKA "gooma" not get along so well Don't worry, your not alone, I care. Gooma and I got along for awhile... I would visit her everysummer. don't know why but I flew to stay with her every summer.one summer it was different though... she just... wasn't the same. well... I was 10... I don't know if it was that she wasn't the same or if it was that i just saw stuff differently. i guess it was both. i was never the same after the rape. i haven't been able to see the walls that people hide behind, i see things as they are, i see through the mask, i see clearly. and she wants to live this lie like everything is perfect and if its not perfect in her way then she just wants it to be gone.
Life changing experience sometimes suck, but you grow from them... Just looking on the up side. |
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Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 12:02 am
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Beautus Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Much of what you said is powerful stuff, I, myself, believe every word of it. I can't believe that after you were raped, that your parents yelled at you for being late, I wonder how they didn't notice... I don't know how you ever forgave your dad, but I guess I forgave my mom countless times, I just gave up on forgiving. As for your multiple personalities, its a normal thing I think to have been through all that... Through the stuff I've been through I grew one too. Nyx Johnson, a criminally insane thug. It's something I've made up, I believe, because I left that life behind, and I'm starting new. Why do you and your grandma AKA "gooma" not get along so well Don't worry, your not alone, I care. Gooma and I got along for awhile... I would visit her everysummer. don't know why but I flew to stay with her every summer.one summer it was different though... she just... wasn't the same. well... I was 10... I don't know if it was that she wasn't the same or if it was that i just saw stuff differently. i guess it was both. i was never the same after the rape. i haven't been able to see the walls that people hide behind, i see things as they are, i see through the mask, i see clearly. and she wants to live this lie like everything is perfect and if its not perfect in her way then she just wants it to be gone. Life changing experience sometimes suck, but you grow from them... Just looking on the up side.
yeah... there's a silver lining everywhere i guess... i just haven't found mine yet |
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Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 11:30 am
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Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Much of what you said is powerful stuff, I, myself, believe every word of it. I can't believe that after you were raped, that your parents yelled at you for being late, I wonder how they didn't notice... I don't know how you ever forgave your dad, but I guess I forgave my mom countless times, I just gave up on forgiving. As for your multiple personalities, its a normal thing I think to have been through all that... Through the stuff I've been through I grew one too. Nyx Johnson, a criminally insane thug. It's something I've made up, I believe, because I left that life behind, and I'm starting new. Why do you and your grandma AKA "gooma" not get along so well Don't worry, your not alone, I care. Gooma and I got along for awhile... I would visit her everysummer. don't know why but I flew to stay with her every summer.one summer it was different though... she just... wasn't the same. well... I was 10... I don't know if it was that she wasn't the same or if it was that i just saw stuff differently. i guess it was both. i was never the same after the rape. i haven't been able to see the walls that people hide behind, i see things as they are, i see through the mask, i see clearly. and she wants to live this lie like everything is perfect and if its not perfect in her way then she just wants it to be gone. Life changing experience sometimes suck, but you grow from them... Just looking on the up side. yeah... there's a silver lining everywhere i guess... i just haven't found mine yet
maybe its that you can see through people? I can do the same pretty much... Like half my family is scared of me (the side I don't talk to any more) whenever I see them, it seems like the only one who's not afraid of me is my aunt. The rest of them seem to be scared, and awkward around me, when they try to act happy.
Other than that I fear nothing now
(I don't know it that's a good thing or a bad thing)
The only thing I fear is hurting the ones I love...
Other than that I used to be afraid of heights, and death...
I embraced death, because that's where I found comfort in my dark times, and every other fear seemed to go away, until I became a fearless survivalist. |
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Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 2:54 pm
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Beautus Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Much of what you said is powerful stuff, I, myself, believe every word of it. I can't believe that after you were raped, that your parents yelled at you for being late, I wonder how they didn't notice... I don't know how you ever forgave your dad, but I guess I forgave my mom countless times, I just gave up on forgiving. As for your multiple personalities, its a normal thing I think to have been through all that... Through the stuff I've been through I grew one too. Nyx Johnson, a criminally insane thug. It's something I've made up, I believe, because I left that life behind, and I'm starting new. Why do you and your grandma AKA "gooma" not get along so well Don't worry, your not alone, I care. Gooma and I got along for awhile... I would visit her everysummer. don't know why but I flew to stay with her every summer.one summer it was different though... she just... wasn't the same. well... I was 10... I don't know if it was that she wasn't the same or if it was that i just saw stuff differently. i guess it was both. i was never the same after the rape. i haven't been able to see the walls that people hide behind, i see things as they are, i see through the mask, i see clearly. and she wants to live this lie like everything is perfect and if its not perfect in her way then she just wants it to be gone. Life changing experience sometimes suck, but you grow from them... Just looking on the up side. yeah... there's a silver lining everywhere i guess... i just haven't found mine yet maybe its that you can see through people? I can do the same pretty much... Like half my family is scared of me (the side I don't talk to any more) whenever I see them, it seems like the only one who's not afraid of me is my aunt. The rest of them seem to be scared, and awkward around me, when they try to act happy. Other than that I fear nothing now (I don't know it that's a good thing or a bad thing) The only thing I fear is hurting the ones I love... Other than that I used to be afraid of heights, and death... I embraced death, because that's where I found comfort in my dark times, and every other fear seemed to go away, until I became a fearless survivalist.
I understand. people fear me because they don't understand me, but when you have prayed for death and danced with it many times at such a tender age you no longer fear it. i was in nyc with a few of my friends here and a mugger walked up and he put a knife to my throat and threatened them, i was not afraid, i put my hand on his and i cut my neck, not deep enough to kill me, but enough where it was bleeding and scared him away. they asked me later how i knew how deep to cut it to make it bleed but not hurt me. well honestly I didn't. |
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Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 3:25 pm
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Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Much of what you said is powerful stuff, I, myself, believe every word of it. I can't believe that after you were raped, that your parents yelled at you for being late, I wonder how they didn't notice... I don't know how you ever forgave your dad, but I guess I forgave my mom countless times, I just gave up on forgiving. As for your multiple personalities, its a normal thing I think to have been through all that... Through the stuff I've been through I grew one too. Nyx Johnson, a criminally insane thug. It's something I've made up, I believe, because I left that life behind, and I'm starting new. Why do you and your grandma AKA "gooma" not get along so well Don't worry, your not alone, I care. Gooma and I got along for awhile... I would visit her everysummer. don't know why but I flew to stay with her every summer.one summer it was different though... she just... wasn't the same. well... I was 10... I don't know if it was that she wasn't the same or if it was that i just saw stuff differently. i guess it was both. i was never the same after the rape. i haven't been able to see the walls that people hide behind, i see things as they are, i see through the mask, i see clearly. and she wants to live this lie like everything is perfect and if its not perfect in her way then she just wants it to be gone. Life changing experience sometimes suck, but you grow from them... Just looking on the up side. yeah... there's a silver lining everywhere i guess... i just haven't found mine yet maybe its that you can see through people? I can do the same pretty much... Like half my family is scared of me (the side I don't talk to any more) whenever I see them, it seems like the only one who's not afraid of me is my aunt. The rest of them seem to be scared, and awkward around me, when they try to act happy. Other than that I fear nothing now (I don't know it that's a good thing or a bad thing) The only thing I fear is hurting the ones I love... Other than that I used to be afraid of heights, and death... I embraced death, because that's where I found comfort in my dark times, and every other fear seemed to go away, until I became a fearless survivalist. I understand. people fear me because they don't understand me, but when you have prayed for death and danced with it many times at such a tender age you no longer fear it. i was in nyc with a few of my friends here and a mugger walked up and he put a knife to my throat and threatened them, i was not afraid, i put my hand on his and i cut my neck, not deep enough to kill me, but enough where it was bleeding and scared him away. they asked me later how i knew how deep to cut it to make it bleed but not hurt me. well honestly I didn't.
I wish something like that would happen to me... I'm 6"2' athletic built, I would crush him... XD
but yeah, people don't fear me necessarily, well, most do when first meeting me, but they warm up to me... because I've been told I'm not that bad of a guy. |
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Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 3:27 pm
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Beautus Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Life changing experience sometimes suck, but you grow from them... Just looking on the up side. yeah... there's a silver lining everywhere i guess... i just haven't found mine yet maybe its that you can see through people? I can do the same pretty much... Like half my family is scared of me (the side I don't talk to any more) whenever I see them, it seems like the only one who's not afraid of me is my aunt. The rest of them seem to be scared, and awkward around me, when they try to act happy. Other than that I fear nothing now (I don't know it that's a good thing or a bad thing) The only thing I fear is hurting the ones I love... Other than that I used to be afraid of heights, and death... I embraced death, because that's where I found comfort in my dark times, and every other fear seemed to go away, until I became a fearless survivalist. I understand. people fear me because they don't understand me, but when you have prayed for death and danced with it many times at such a tender age you no longer fear it. i was in nyc with a few of my friends here and a mugger walked up and he put a knife to my throat and threatened them, i was not afraid, i put my hand on his and i cut my neck, not deep enough to kill me, but enough where it was bleeding and scared him away. they asked me later how i knew how deep to cut it to make it bleed but not hurt me. well honestly I didn't. I wish something like that would happen to me... I'm 6"2' athletic built, I would crush him... XD but yeah, people don't fear me necessarily, well, most do when first meeting me, but they warm up to me... because I've been told I'm not that bad of a guy.
I'm really shy and not strong and I trip on a smooth flat surface (major clutz)
I'm not really athletic built
I'm not really pretty either though i argue with a couple friends about that cause they hate the fact that I'm okay with being plain
i can draw really good though |
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Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 3:41 pm
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Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Life changing experience sometimes suck, but you grow from them... Just looking on the up side. yeah... there's a silver lining everywhere i guess... i just haven't found mine yet maybe its that you can see through people? I can do the same pretty much... Like half my family is scared of me (the side I don't talk to any more) whenever I see them, it seems like the only one who's not afraid of me is my aunt. The rest of them seem to be scared, and awkward around me, when they try to act happy. Other than that I fear nothing now (I don't know it that's a good thing or a bad thing) The only thing I fear is hurting the ones I love... Other than that I used to be afraid of heights, and death... I embraced death, because that's where I found comfort in my dark times, and every other fear seemed to go away, until I became a fearless survivalist. I understand. people fear me because they don't understand me, but when you have prayed for death and danced with it many times at such a tender age you no longer fear it. i was in nyc with a few of my friends here and a mugger walked up and he put a knife to my throat and threatened them, i was not afraid, i put my hand on his and i cut my neck, not deep enough to kill me, but enough where it was bleeding and scared him away. they asked me later how i knew how deep to cut it to make it bleed but not hurt me. well honestly I didn't. I wish something like that would happen to me... I'm 6"2' athletic built, I would crush him... XD but yeah, people don't fear me necessarily, well, most do when first meeting me, but they warm up to me... because I've been told I'm not that bad of a guy. I'm really shy and not strong and I trip on a smooth flat surface (major clutz) I'm not really athletic built I'm not really pretty either though i argue with a couple friends about that cause they hate the fact that I'm okay with being plain i can draw really good though
Im fail at drawing... |
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Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 3:57 pm
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Beautus Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus maybe its that you can see through people? I can do the same pretty much... Like half my family is scared of me (the side I don't talk to any more) whenever I see them, it seems like the only one who's not afraid of me is my aunt. The rest of them seem to be scared, and awkward around me, when they try to act happy. Other than that I fear nothing now (I don't know it that's a good thing or a bad thing) The only thing I fear is hurting the ones I love... Other than that I used to be afraid of heights, and death... I embraced death, because that's where I found comfort in my dark times, and every other fear seemed to go away, until I became a fearless survivalist. I understand. people fear me because they don't understand me, but when you have prayed for death and danced with it many times at such a tender age you no longer fear it. i was in nyc with a few of my friends here and a mugger walked up and he put a knife to my throat and threatened them, i was not afraid, i put my hand on his and i cut my neck, not deep enough to kill me, but enough where it was bleeding and scared him away. they asked me later how i knew how deep to cut it to make it bleed but not hurt me. well honestly I didn't. I wish something like that would happen to me... I'm 6"2' athletic built, I would crush him... XD but yeah, people don't fear me necessarily, well, most do when first meeting me, but they warm up to me... because I've been told I'm not that bad of a guy. I'm really shy and not strong and I trip on a smooth flat surface (major clutz) I'm not really athletic built I'm not really pretty either though i argue with a couple friends about that cause they hate the fact that I'm okay with being plain i can draw really good though Im fail at drawing...
its one of the few things I'm really good at |
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Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 5:55 pm
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Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus maybe its that you can see through people? I can do the same pretty much... Like half my family is scared of me (the side I don't talk to any more) whenever I see them, it seems like the only one who's not afraid of me is my aunt. The rest of them seem to be scared, and awkward around me, when they try to act happy. Other than that I fear nothing now (I don't know it that's a good thing or a bad thing) The only thing I fear is hurting the ones I love... Other than that I used to be afraid of heights, and death... I embraced death, because that's where I found comfort in my dark times, and every other fear seemed to go away, until I became a fearless survivalist. I understand. people fear me because they don't understand me, but when you have prayed for death and danced with it many times at such a tender age you no longer fear it. i was in nyc with a few of my friends here and a mugger walked up and he put a knife to my throat and threatened them, i was not afraid, i put my hand on his and i cut my neck, not deep enough to kill me, but enough where it was bleeding and scared him away. they asked me later how i knew how deep to cut it to make it bleed but not hurt me. well honestly I didn't. I wish something like that would happen to me... I'm 6"2' athletic built, I would crush him... XD but yeah, people don't fear me necessarily, well, most do when first meeting me, but they warm up to me... because I've been told I'm not that bad of a guy. I'm really shy and not strong and I trip on a smooth flat surface (major clutz) I'm not really athletic built I'm not really pretty either though i argue with a couple friends about that cause they hate the fact that I'm okay with being plain i can draw really good though Im fail at drawing... its one of the few things I'm really good at
I'm a jack of all trades.
I'm trying to learn how to pick lock this week...
I need to get a lock picking set and a tension wrench. |
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Posted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 9:57 am
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Beautus Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus I wish something like that would happen to me... I'm 6"2' athletic built, I would crush him... XD but yeah, people don't fear me necessarily, well, most do when first meeting me, but they warm up to me... because I've been told I'm not that bad of a guy. I'm really shy and not strong and I trip on a smooth flat surface (major clutz) I'm not really athletic built I'm not really pretty either though i argue with a couple friends about that cause they hate the fact that I'm okay with being plain i can draw really good though Im fail at drawing... its one of the few things I'm really good at I'm a jack of all trades. I'm trying to learn how to pick lock this week... I need to get a lock picking set and a tension wrench.
nice, i'd learn that but I'm kinda scared of getitng caught by mom, she'd skin me alive |
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Posted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 10:13 am
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Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus Mis kit the kitty girl Beautus I wish something like that would happen to me... I'm 6"2' athletic built, I would crush him... XD but yeah, people don't fear me necessarily, well, most do when first meeting me, but they warm up to me... because I've been told I'm not that bad of a guy. I'm really shy and not strong and I trip on a smooth flat surface (major clutz) I'm not really athletic built I'm not really pretty either though i argue with a couple friends about that cause they hate the fact that I'm okay with being plain i can draw really good though Im fail at drawing... its one of the few things I'm really good at I'm a jack of all trades. I'm trying to learn how to pick lock this week... I need to get a lock picking set and a tension wrench. nice, i'd learn that but I'm kinda scared of getitng caught by mom, she'd skin me alive
my dad encourages me learning illegal stuff. |
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Posted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 12:47 pm
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